This is my girl today. Eyes ablaze, striking first, screaming second, pissed.
My logical, solution-seeking brain wants to know why? I scan through the last twenty-four hours. Did she get enough sleep? Food? What the bleep is wrong? Eventually I come to my senses, it doesn't matter. I feed her all the time and we strive for as much sleep as possible. There aren't days where I let sleep slide, or forget to offer nutrients, so even if I found a culprit to blame there still wouldn't be anything to do differently in terms of physical needs.
After flailing about in this direction, I remember that I can still address emotional needs and quickly pull out empathy and information.
Empathy: Oh Echo. I see you're really upset, really mad.
Information: When you scream at Bella like that she turns away from you and doesn't want to play. Can I help you talk to her and figure out a solution?
I use my face to show understanding, I make myself physically available in case a hug or snuggle is desired, and I keep listening, searching for deeper feelings that can be empathized with. This is our formula and it works. It is time-consuming, at least in the moment, (although I'd argue that time-outs, threats and bribes take more time out of your life in the long-term), and quite verbal, but our children thrive under this system.
That being said, I'm not sure I've ever mentioned the fact that I also use physical restraint. Today, empathy is reaching Echo's ears, but not before she lands a few blows. Once I caught wind of her fierce temperament this morning I have been quick to slide my body between hers and her adversary. When the safety of others is involved I follow the same formula, while gently but firmly holding Echo in my arms.
Empathy: Oh Echo. You're really mad. You want to hit her, huh? Oh you're sad too? You wanted to play with that toy and she picked it up before you had a chance.
Information: You want me to let you go so that you can hit her and scratch her? Well, I think I'm going to continue holding you so that your sister stays safe. When you hit her she feels mad and probably won't give you the toy. Do you want help figuring something else out?
It's a safety clause but you have to be very mindful when you use it. It's tempting to convince yourself that you are keeping others safe when in reality you are looking for ways to justify controlling your child's movements. It's better for your relationship to assume the best and be mistaken than to continuously and thoughtlessly jump in and use restraint. In addition, blocking a blow to spare another child harm is very different from grabbing an arm as an expression of your own anger. Empathic restraint is a short-term, temporary measure to protect others, the real, effective work is being done by your words, expression, and empathy.
