"I have a question...what do you do and say when your girls do something you don't like? So for example, my daughter gets in these moods where she just goes around the house and drops things on the floor, like water, or cut oranges, or anything, but it creates a mess and I have to clean it up. And she knows it. How do I express my frustration and displeasure, without making her feel bad about herself. I want to be able to express my feelings, and let her know the affect her actions have on me. And yet, I don't want her to feel bad about herself or feel ashamed of herself."
Well there are some obvious things to avoid with this one, like reactions that involve disparaging comments about her as a person. Such as "naughty girl" or "bad girl". What you are objecting to is her actions, not her as a person. That is a line I would keep very very clear, both in your mind and heart and in your response to what she is doing.
That being said you do not have to like her actions, pretend to like her actions, avoid addressing her actions, or suppress your own natural reaction. It is fair to feel bothered. It's also fair and helpful to her as she processes the ways of the world and the spectrum of human emotion, to express that irritation.
"I don't like that. I don't want you to drop oranges on the floor. They are juicy and leave stickiness on the floor. I like it when the food stays on the table where it's available to eat and stays clean. I like it when the floor is clean and I'd rather spend time playing or reading than mopping. Will you help me keep the floor clean by making sure the water and the oranges stay on the table?".
I would say all of the above to a six month old and above. It is never too early to give information and a rational explanation. I would also be sure to highlight what I want to happen rather that what I don't want to happen. The request above talks about leaving the oranges on the table.
I would also be very careful with the phrase have to. The concept of martyrdom or victimhood does not play well with children. In your daughter's mind oranges are fine staying on the floor forever. No one has to do anything about that at all. So pointing out the fact that when she drops oranges you have to clean it up isn't exactly helpful. You would certainly rather not. That's fine. But the clear logical reasons, like stickiness and a preference for doing other things, will make a lot more sense to a child.
BUT. All of the above is fine and dandy until we get to the part where you say that your daughter "knows" you have to clean up the mess she makes. What I am reading into that is that your daughter has some reason for wanting to bother you. Now this may be true and it may not. You will have to be the judge in this scenario and I caution you to assume the best. Our children rise to our assumptions of them. If you spend your day assuming that her actions are carried out in order to bother you you will find exactly that occurring, more and more and more. So again, choose your words carefully. Instead of saying, "Oh come on! Why do you have to make a mess like that? You know that only makes more work for me! I am not your maid. I swear that you are only doing this just to get a reaction out of me.", opt for better assumptions and empathy: "Are you having fun dropping that on the floor? The oranges make a nice flopping sound, huh? Well, will you keep them on the table instead? I like the floor and the oranges to stay clean. Are you done with the water and oranges? Would you like to pour water on the sidewalk or in the sink? Do you want something else to experiment with so that the floor stays clean?"
BUT. She may indeed be doing what she's doing in order to get a reaction out of you. If this is the case then you can talk until you are blue in the face about juiciness and clean floors and SHE WILL NOT STOP, or she'll find a different bothersome action. Until you discover and meet her specific need in that moment, all your talk will be for naught. Is she angry? Is she wanting your attention? Is she looking for fun? Is she wanting you to stop what you are doing and focus on her? If you can get outside of your own personal dislike of her actions for a moment, you can give her empathy for her feelings, meet her need, and then discuss the particulars of oranges and water. Until she is heard and understood she will not hear and understand you. Discover her motivation, offer empathy for her feelings, offer a different way to meet her need, and then talk about oranges.
"Are you mad? You didn't like it that I said no about that huh. Can I hold you?"
"Are you wanting me to see you? I see you. You're dropping those oranges huh. Do you want me to take a break from this and do something with you instead? We can do that. Let's pick up these oranges. I don't want them on the floor where they get stepped on and yucky. Next time will you just ask me for attention, or ask me to take a break? I feel irritated by the food on the floor."
"Is it fun pouring out that water? Pretty splashy. This floor isn't the best place to try that out. Let's get you set up in the bath with cups instead huh? When you pour it on the floor it leaves a puddle and I prefer the carpet stay dry."
Loving, informative, non-judgemental, honest.
If you want her to have empathy for you and your housecleaning duties you must start with empathy for her and her interests and needs. If you show her what empathy feels like she will naturally find it for you and the others in her life, throughout her life. And that's the whole point of this parenting gig anyway isn't it? To raise children that are kind, respectful, considerate adults.
Hope this helps.
