Talk Feeleez

Pace, Pressure, Praise

We don't use praise at our house. On the surface I know that may seem a bit scrooge-like. When our kids do something fantastic we don't squeal "GOOD JOB!" or say how proud we are of them. We don't. (And its taken a lot of practice to get there.) What we do do is watch, celebrate when they are celebrating, commiserate when they aren't, stay with them wherever they are emotionally. It's not like we don't do anything, we do a lot, but we don't interject our opinions on their achievements.

Why? 

A million reasons. Alfie Kohn lays out the most convincing arguments ever seen in print for leaving both praise and punishment behind. Nathan and I read his Unconditional Parenting book and his logic combined well with what we had intuitively already figured. It seems like praise would feel good, would be encouraging, would show a child that you are on the same team as them and are rooting for their success. It also seems like praise would encourage actions the parents desire, thereby cutting down on actions they do not. It all seems this way but actually praise backfires. It muddies the waters so to speak. When a child is praised for doing something at first the praise seems to work, but then not only does it stop working but it actually backfires and inspires the cessation of said activity. Read Unconditional Parenting because Alfie does a better job than I do of describing the ill-effects.

What stands out for me is that praise takes away a child's personal motivation and dilutes it with the element of mom or dad's pleasure. The child quickly switches from "I'm doing this because it's fun" to "when I do this mom likes me more". Ack. And mom's approval is so strongly desired that the child often will stop doing the activity to avoid risking any displeasure. I've seen this very thing in our home when momentarily I forgot myself and whooped out a "Good Job!". I am not kidding, Xideka immediately halted the very activity I was lauding.

Without praise our kids are free to follow their own interests and learn new skills because of their own personal drive, not because we will reward them (or punish them) with our own emotional response.

Which brings us to swimming. And to pace and pressure.

We got a family membership to the YMCA and have been jumping in their chlorinated pool several times a week for the last three weeks. We like it because we get the exercise of treading water and the girls like it because kids, in general, go ape-shit for pools. When we first started Echo was just polishing off her dog-paddle. She tentatively left the pool's edge and swam carefully to my close-by arms. I'd hold her a bit and then send her back to the wall. 

Now Echo, from an outside perspective anyway, is a slow-mover. She emphatically moves at her own pace and that pace could be considered slow. One day while she was at the top of a slide she said: "Mom, I noticed something, whenever someone tries to convince me to do something I don't want to do it." Ain't that the truth. The girl does not like to be pressured, even in the slightest "You can do it!" sort of way. What does this require on the part of mama and papa?

A truckload of patience.

So that was/is my tactic in the pool. Even though I knew she could put her face in the water, or jump from the side, or kick better, or whatever, I didn't say a word. I caught her mid-dog-paddle, hugged her, turned her around, and sent her off. A bajillion times. Day after day.

And then one day she said "Mom! Look I can do the backstroke!" And she could. And it wasn't as if I wasn't watching. Dog-paddle, catch, turn. My eyes were on her. But she was right. She had perfected a back stroke. In her wiggly, squirmy, dog-paddling she was working on things. She was developing. She was learning in a completely invisible way to the outside eye. What looked like a stand-still, or snail-slow pace to me was actually a skipping-right-along.

Okay. So there was a backstroke out of the blue. I wanted to squeal in delight and praise the bejeezus out of her. But I didn't. I said: "Look at that! A backstroke. You can do a backstroke now huh?" And she grinned, pleased as punch with herself and moving on (invisibly) toward her next milestone.

No praise, allowing her pace to proceed as it will, and patience. In other words GET OUT OF THE WAY and the little pipsqueak will astound.

So more days of dog-paddle, turn, backstroke, turn, dog-paddle, hug, turn, backstroke, turn. Again and again and again. 

Then one day the lifeguard sees Echo swimming and says "You know hon you'll swim a lot faster if you put your face in the water! Want me to get you some goggles? If I get mom some goggles she can go under too and you can wave at each other. Want to try?!" Echo smiled awkwardly and looked at me. I said I was willing if she wanted me to, but I felt myself wanting her to want to. I found myself suddenly, and (secretly, repulsively) wanting to please this lifeguard I didn't even know. Wanting her to think of Echo as a good swimmer or something. Echo agreed. We got goggles. She gave it a half-second attempt and then burst into tears. I held her while she cried for thirty-five minutes.

We went from blissful, swimming-on-her-own-terms to sobbing, miserable child in the blink of an eye. She cried because she didn't know if she could do it and she wanted to be able to do it. She cried because suddenly adults she admired were moving her a few stepping stones ahead before she knew herself to be ready. She cried until the moment became hers again, until enough time had passed and the terms were her own.

Then she slid from my arms, adjusted the goggles and put her face in the water. For two seconds. Then she flung them off and went back to dog-paddle, turn, backstroke, turn.

Lesson learned. Pressure doesn't help. GET OUT OF THE WAY.

All of the days of invisible development started to add up to confident swimming, spinning in circles mid-pool, and bactstroking all over the place. Her mind and body were working overtime yet still without many outward signs. Then yesterday she said: "Mom I'm going to practice my backstroke and them I'm going to take the swim test."

The swim test???

At the YMCA kids have to pass a swim test in order to go into the deep end. Echo and I heard of this our first day and I never gave it another thought. I figured, based on our pace, the deep end would happen for us in a couple of years. Days would go by, other kids would exhibit their skills for the lifeguard and splash off into the dark blue depths, but Echo and I contentedly paddled away well within the five-foot mark.

I was utterly shocked by Echo's new goal but I didn't say anything. And sure enough: "Okay I'm ready mom!" We paddled over to the lifeguard, Xi coming along too, emboldened by her little sister's gumption, to take the test herself. The guard stood, clad in official red, towering over Echo's tiny pinto-bean head. "You know what to do sweetheart?" But Echo was already off. She paddled all the way out to the middle of the pool, touched the center lane line, gracefully laid back and backstroked her way all the way back to the guard. Cool as a cucumber. 

She passed.

She felt good. She was stoked to explore the deep blue. And her victory was all hers.

When I saw her tiny slick head confidently making her way across that aquamarine I finally got it. Her pace is her own. Don't pressure, don't praise. She's reaching for the stars and succeeding.

Is It Even Possible?

I've had an email from a sweet mama yearning to find connection with her children. She parented the first in an empathetic style with wildly positive results for all. But now that there are two kids... well it doesn't seem to come as easily. She feels she's just going through the motions and coming up short. She described a typical interaction at her house:

Ella is building some amazing elaborate lego house. Harper sees this, thinks it looks so cool and heads over to touch it and taste it and figure it out. Ella screams and cries when her building gets touched. 

Me: Ella! I know that's so disappointing...
Ella: No! Don't talk to me about that right now!
Me: But I want to talk about what you're feeling!
Ella: Harper touched my building! Make him stop! Fix it!

At this point, Harper starts climbing on me, pushing Ella out of the way, pulling down my shirt to nurse and also starts screaming. She amps up her screaming because she's just been pushed off my lap. I'm so so sad and exasperated at this point that the next part of the conversation goes like this:

Me (yelling, now): Ella, I told you if you want to build stuff Harper can't touch, you have to put it up high! He's curious! 
Ella: Mom! That's not fair! Much more crying and screaming.

Then I hand Harper a toy and start cleaning the kitchen or something just to get my mind off how sad I am that I don't have unlimited time with either of them. I've been trying so hard to keep things even. To give Harper all the things we gave to Ella when she was his age and to treat Ella the same as we did before Harper was born. It's not working though. I'm exhausted when I wake up and I feel as though both kids are left at the end of the day wanting more of me. 

Crap. That's my first reaction because I can just hear the emotions behind the words.

• Sadness.
• Loss of hope.
• Self-criticism.
• Sorrow. 

The scenario sounds hard, so very hard. But my second reaction is one of optimism. It is possible to parent two children (or three or four) with empathy, and to find, and relish, connection with each. So where to start?

Specific Practicalities

Let's start here with the "what do I do?" part of the scenario.

1. Still the panic.

When the tower crumbles get to the scene as quick as possible. Stop the "offender" from further changing the structure, not because he is wrong for exploring the tower but because you want Ella to be able to hear you, to sort out her feelings and to find a solution, and she will not be able to do any of that while in a state of panic about the tower.

2. Communicate to Harper.

Use words and sign language (the sign for "talk" is a wide open hand turned sideways and tapped on your chin) to explain why you are restraining him from touching the tower. "I'm going to hold you a moment and talk with Ella about the legos."

3. Communicate to Ella.

Use a loving face and explain to Ella that if Harper wants to nurse you're going to let him because that will give the two of you an opportunity to talk things through. Restrain Harper from kicking her. "I love you and I'm going to help you. Let's let Harper nurse because that will distract him from the tower and give me a chance to work this out with you. Here, let's make room right next to me so I can put my arm around you."

4. Self-Empathy.

Talk yourself down from panicking (as the two voices are raised and things are looking bad) by using self-empathy. "Shit this is hard. I'm ready to lose my top. I'm so frustrated." Let these words create a smidgen of emotional space for yourself so that you don't end up lending your own raised voice and haggard emotions to the pile.

5. Listen.

Play dumb. Act as though you don't know what the problem is so that Ella can tell you all about how hard she worked on the tower and how sad she is that it has changed shape and how tired she is of Harper touching the stuff she's working on. If the conversation goes there let her describe how sucky it is to have a little brother. Don't judge. Just listen.

6. Provide Information.

"It's important to you to build safely, but it doesn't seem as though the tower is safe down here. Harper sees a really cool, colorful thing and he wants to check it out. He's so little that right now the way he checks things out is with his hands and that changes the shape of your tower."

7. Ask.

"What do we do?"

8. Wait.

After empathy and with the perspective that you are all on the same team (no one is wrong or right), children find solutions quite easily. Wait to see what they come up with. Once completely heard through empathy Ella may not be attached to the tower at all. She may come up with a new idea. She may even want to find a game that includes her brother.

Larger Scope

1. Look for opportunity.

Instead of getting things done while both children are happy use that time to amp up connection with one of the children. Even if Ella is happily reading a book and doesn't need you, and if Harper is asleep or doing something else, use that moment to connect with Ella. Sit with her, read to her, listen to her, just tune-in completely. 

When my kids are occupied I like to scurry around and clean things and try to get out from under the always growing pile, and it is really hard not to do this. But it sounds like connection is at the top of the wish list, so perhaps the to-do list should take a back seat. It might help to keep in mind the time frame. For the next two years or so your children will need you to be very hands-on, which definitely sounds like an eternity, but in the spectrum of their lives it is quite short. So for two more years you will have a messier house and life than you like, but you will also have a lot of connection. And no regrets.

2. Set reasonable goals.

Keeping a lego tower completely intact? Not reasonable.

Maintaining connection even though the tower tumbles? Definitely within reason.

Giving Harper all the things you gave to Ella when she was his age and treating Ella the same as you did before Harper was born? Not reasonable.

Giving Harper and Ella an incredible amount of love and connection in a variety of ways? Absolutely reasonable.

3. Set an intention.

Set an intention for the day without getting too tight about how that intention is going to come to life. It seems that some of your sadness is that the ways you are able to connect with your two children don't match the way that you were able to connect with Ella when she was a solo child. Perhaps it makes more sense to intend to connect and gratefully accept the ways that connection pops up instead of deciding that it only counts if it comes in a certain package.

Decide to make the purpose of the day about connection and watch as opportunities to connect rise up. If connection is your intention then you are lucky because any instance is an opportunity; spilled milk, scratched knee, funny jokes, or surprise rain. 

4. Build trust with Ella.

Responding with empathy, choosing a same team stance, refraining from blame, and everything else mentioned above will build trust with Ella. She needs to know that she's important and loved, that she's just as important and loved as Harper even though you don't hold her and nurse her to the same degree. She will come to know that she is loved and important because you care about her thoughts and feelings, her towers and ideas. 

When she wants you to be in one place doing one thing and Harper wants you to be in a different place doing a different thing, go back to "What do we do?". This will drive home the point that they both are important, their desires are important, and that together as a team you will find a way to meet everyone's needs. 

Even Larger Scope

1. Check your level of guilt.

Really. Forgive yourself. You are not harming either child by having birthed the other. You have plenty of love to go around and with each day it grows bigger. 

2. Rewrite your story.

The current story is as you described above. Two children simply cannot be parented with a satisfying level of empathy and connection. You do not want this to be true. The more you tell this story to your neighbors, friends, husband, and to yourself the deeper it will sink into your reality and the more true it will become for you. You have a different story in mind as to how you'd like your family to unfold and if you want it to become more of your reality you'll have to start noticing it now. You already have a huge jump start. The final part of your letter said this:

The whole reason this style of parenting appealed to me was because of the connection it seemed to foster. I see it "working" in lots of other ways; the kids don't fight often and are really sweet to one another, they are both kind to other kids and communicate their needs really clearly, they are both so sensitive to others' feelings. But...

The more you notice and appreciate and languish in thoughts like this, the more your family vision will come to life. The only part I would edit is the "but" there at the end. A good rule of thumb would be to stop short any time you are about to add a "but" to your sentences. For instance: "The kids had a really great day, laughing and playing together. It was so fun to see but I just wish every day could more like that instead of the squabbling we usually see." Stop your thoughts and words before you get to the "but". Notice what you like and turn your thoughts from that which you do not.

3. Trust.

Go ahead and trust that everything you want is possible.

***************

Mid-Term Review

Just kidding. There will be no test. But I wanted to give some very basic bullet points on the very basic topics of this blog. Lately I've been asked for that sort of thing and this blog, is well, a bit more chatty than that. Here's my best try at simplification. If there are questions check the "Categories" section to the right, and/or leave a comment and I will respond.

 

Empathy:

Definition:

Empathy is the capability to share another being's emotions and feelings.

Not to be confused with sympathy: Sympathy is the feeling of compassion, concern and/or pity for another, the wish to see them better off or happier. 

Example:

Xi (7) comes to me after an argument with Bella.

Me: Hi honey. Are you sad? You look sad. What happened?
Xi: Bella and I got in a fight.
Me: Oh darn.
Xi: I didn't want to give her this shell because I already gave her two shells. And then she kicked me.
Me: Oh. Pretty scary huh?
Xi: Yeah.
Me: You don't like it when Bella is mad at you do you.
Xi: No. And she kicked me right in the back and I ran away.
Me: Oh man. Ouch. Is it still hurting?
Xi: No, not really.
Me: Are you still sad about it? (Rubbing her back)
Xi: Yeah.
Me: Shoot.

Things to remember:

1. Empathy is not the tool for getting a child to do something they don't want to do. 

2. Empathy doesn't work alongside punishment.

3. What are the child's underlying feelings and needs?

 

Punishment:

Leave this out of the parenting equation. Don't believe me? Read Alfie Kohn's Unconditional Parenting to see why punishment doesn't work.

What to do instead?

- ***Be the leader of your family team. You are in charge. If your role is clear your children will follow your lead. (Take our parenting course Parenting on the Same Team for more information on this topic.)

-  Demote obedience in the hierarchy of child behaviors and instead relish the moments when your children challenge your ideas, ask questions, and assert themselves. These are desired qualities that will serve our children in the long run as they become adults and are given the opportunity to make their own decisions.

-  Ditch some rules. It seems counterintuitive but to have more control you must let go of control. With fewer rules to resist, children resist less. 

- Use NO sparingly. This word is most potent when used only in critical moments, such as immediate safety situations. Watering it down by automatically using it at every turn renders it useless.

- Use empathy as a way to teach empathy. "Good" behavior or obedience, can be achieved by encouraging empathic behavior. A child that can recognize feelings as they occur for others automatically considers how their choices are contributing to those feelings. Offer empathy when things don't go as your child wants. Hold them in their upset, but do not change your mind.

- Offer information as to why you are making that particular parenting but do not attempt to convince them to agree. Offer as much information as possible. Disobedience is often due to a lack of understanding, something easily remedied when the parent is willing to take time to explain.

- Look for the underlying need behind the action. If you can address the need you can circumvent the disagreeable action-punishment altogether.

 

Praise: 

Leave this out of your parenting completely, both as a measure to get your child to do something and as a way to express love. Need convincing? Read Alfie Kohn's book Unconditional Parenting.

What to say instead of "Good Job!"?

"I see you!"

"You climbed all the way up there!"

"I see you walking all by yourself. You seem pretty happy about that!"

"I saw you stack those toys up. Yeah. Then they fell down."

It feels silly at first, but all most children want is for you to see them and be with them. They aren't wondering if you deem their actions "good" (Good walking! Good sharing! Good jumping!).

What is important when observing, is to match your observations to their reactions. Let your face mirror theirs. If they are excited about walking all by themselves, then go ahead and get excited. If they are disappointed, then let them know you see that too. ("Oh. You didn't want those blocks to fall", instead of, "It's okay! You built that tower really high. Good job! Good building!")

Asking her questions is a great way to let her know you see what she is doing without forcing an opinion on her.

"You are wiping your hands. How do you like that? Do you like it when your hands are clean?"

"How is that for you?"

"Do you like that?"

"Is that fun?"

"Is that okay with you?"

 

Modeling:

There is mounting evidence that the primary way children learn is through mirroring those they see around them. The brain is actually set up for this with neurons called mirror neurons. If you want your child to behave in a particular way or say particular things, behave that way yourself, say those words yourself.

 

Making an Emotionally Safe Home:

- Stop saying, you're okay! It's okay. It's going to be okay.

- Stop prompting your child as to how they should feel.

- Stop saying: ssssshhhhhhh, sssssshhhhhhhh to help a child stop crying.

- Do not give your child names for expressing their emotions no matter how annoying, to you, these expressions may be, or even if the names are "harmless" or cute.

-  Stop lauding. If you value one emotion over another, your child will quickly understand that some feelings are worthy of praise and others should be avoided.

- Watch for subtle clues you give that show judgement.

- Do not hide what you are feeling.

 

Self Empathy:

When you feel yourself getting emotional you can give yourself self-empathy. This is an internal little note to yourself, something like: "wow, I am super pissed right now" that allows for just the teeniest bit of emotional space. The extra space gives you room to wiggle around a bit and choose a different response.

 

Jedi Mindtricks:

Whatever you’re thinking about is literally like planning a future event. When you’re worrying, you are planning. When you’re appreciating you are planning . . . 

Thought creates reality, so if you want a better family life, kids that get along, a closer connection with your spouse, then those are the thoughts you must have speeding around in your brain. A simple formula is this.

-Tell the story you want.

-Look for a happier thought.

-Be happy and the rest of what you want will come.

You can make yourself crazy following every thought as it zings about, but the good news is that feelings follow thoughts. If you are feeling good then your thoughts are in line with what you really want. So perhaps a better formula is:

- Look for things that make you happy.

- Let these thoughts form your story.

 

Unhappiness:

- Self-empathy. When you feel yourself getting emotional you can give yourself self-empathy. This is an internal little note to yourself, something like: "wow, I am super pissed right now" that allows for just the teeniest bit of emotional space. The extra space gives you room to wiggle around a bit and choose a different response.

- Stall. When someone says or does something upsetting, just watch your thoughts and feelings but say nothing for a beat. 

- Go ahead and say something out loud. Something very simple. "I am so frustrated right now!" Just start there. Say it and wait. Let others know, but own it for yourself. 

- Feel the feeling and then stop. Do not make up a story about anything.

- Make a conscious decision to choose thoughts (and therefore feelings) that feel good.

 

Wanting someone to be different than who/how they are:

- Find empathy for them and express it. A funny thing happens, when a person has no need to defend themselves they lose resistance. As soon as you empathize with them for their position they will most likely immediately loosen that position.

- Choose the perspective from which you see that person. Make an intention to notice what you like and "lower the volume" on the parts that are bugging you. 

- When you are away from them imagine them as you would like them to be. Do this frequently, when falling asleep, when running errands, anytime. Do this WITHOUT listing the parts you don't like, just imagine what you'd prefer.

 

Fighting:

To stay out of a fight:

-spend time each day in positive manifestation, amping up the good vibes, so to speak, so that you are not already down the rabbit hole. If you come across the tantrum situation from a centered stance it's got to be easier to stay out of the fray.

-make a choice to respond with empathy instead of defensive statements, counterattacks, or fix-it solutions

- take a macroview of the person that is thrashing and flailing so that you see them not as someone who is tossing out personal insults or making up unsavory assumptions or exaggerating the truth, but as a human being that is upset. In other words you don't take any of what they are saying personally.

- you listen, almost exclusively.

- you remember that by offering empathy and listening purposely it does not mean that you are agreeing with them (which makes it easier to remain neutral)

If in a fight:

-remembering what the initial issue was and why it was important to you. For example if the fight was about money you can look at your strong feelings and discover that you have strong preferences in that department, ie: security. In this way you can come back around with the person and make a request that is in line with this preference, ie: "Bottom line is that it feels really good to me when our check book is balanced. That way I don't get surprised. I feel anxious about monetary surprises."

-forgive yourself and the other person for the "low blows" that occurred in the fight. Choose to make the important focus the initial issue.

- apologize for your part.

-find empathy for their position and feelings (going through the stages above: choosing to respond with empathy, taking a macroview, listening exclusively, remembering that empathy isn't agreement)

- choose to be a bigger person, not as a victim ("Why do I always have to take the high road when he never does?? It isn't fair!) but because you want a better life and moving toward the bigger version of yourself creates a better life.

 

Well I'm sure there's more, but this is a good start. Maybe I'll keep adding as we go. Enjoy! Ask questions! Call me! Sign up for our class (coming soon)!

xo

 

Just Me and You

I am up early, before anyone else, before the sun. Doing my preparations for Saturday Market that I described here. This morning I even left some extra time to shower and as I type that now I can feel that you know the luxuriousness of a morning shower, undisturbed, hot, and refreshing. But what prompted me to sit down and type these words is that I was not feeling the deliciousness.

To my great dismay, part of yesterday and today I was noticing all of the not delicious parts. I noticed the bath oil was running low and my mental commentary didn't like that. I noticed the box of tea was running low and I added that to the list of Oh Brother. Verizon Wireless called to let me know they are ready for my payment, double oh brother. 

Yesterday Xi told me there were six days left until her birthday and my Oh Brother list grew longer as I added to it the cost of what she was wanting and the mounting tasks that fall into a mama's lap. Later the batteries ran out in the computer mouse and we didn't have any spare. I let out such a sigh of woe.

This morning I caught myself sighing again and actually got angry.

F-you! I mentally said. All of this "not enough" mental talk is bullshit. You ASSHOLE.

Okay, normally I don't talk to myself that way. I don't even use the third person because it doesn't feel friendly. But today I was so glad for that trash talking because it aroused a bit of a wake up. 

I have a home with sleeping happy children.

One of those children is celebrating her eighth birthday and I get a chance to show her how important she is.

I have a shower with bath oil (and shampoo and soap and conditioner and other specific-to-particular-body parts products).

I have all the makings I need for tea and a beautiful kitchen of my very own to make that tea in.

I have a cell phone and live on a planet with humans of such high intelligence and ingenuity that that tiny box I carry around works all over the world and lets me call people I love. I get to pay some money and use that wonder without even thinking about it.

My world is chock full of wonders and blessings and not only am I am idiot for not noticing BUT by giving my attention to all of those little parts I do not enjoy I am making those things more my reality than anything else, no matter how beautiful any other things may be. Have you ever noticed that when you have decided you are having a "bad day" that many events and occurrences rush to you and by the end of that day you've got a whopping good story of woe to tell your husband/roommate/girlfriend? I have.

So this morning I am switching back to glass half full, even thanking myself for cursing myself earlier. I want a beautiful life of abundance. I want that so badly that catching myself doing/saying/thinking/feeling things that lead me in the exact opposite direction is alarming and, well, basically unacceptable.

Here's to a day where I notice all that I love, admire, and like. I wish one upon you as well.

Not Feeling It?

Let's face it, sometimes it is really really hard to find empathy for others. Sometimes we simply disagree with their perspective and thus have nothing to offer in terms of help with the feelings that accompany that perspective. Thoughts lead to feelings and if we have a different set of thoughts then understanding for our loved one's feelings is hard to drum up. In the real world this looks like: 

Child's thoughts: She ALWAYS gets more than I do! It isn't fair! She gets everything she wants and I don't! 

Child's feelings as a result: Devastation. Anger. Sadness. Indignation.

As the mother, one that of course is bending over freaking backward in the making-everything-fair-game, we disagree. Completely and totally disagree that one child always gets more and that there is anything remotely unequal in the situation. Because of this differing of thoughts empathy can feel miles and miles away. Sometimes almost impossible.

Sometimes I fake empathy. (Gasp!) But not for long. I make my mouth say the words, and then as soon as I hear myself saying them I actually feel more empathetic. The soothing sound of my voice not only soothes the child but soothes me right out of my I-TOTALLY-DISAGREE stance. I am lulled into seeking understanding. 

The second and more powerful move I make is to get curious. Really curious. Without sounding the least bit rhetorical, I ask questions.

What is it about the amount in the other bowl that seems bigger? 

Is the bowl itself bigger?

Is your portion kind of more spread out?

Was there another time today when things didn't turn out as you wanted?

Are you worried because you really like the yogurt and you want to make sure that you get a whole lot of it?

The answers are often enlightening. Perhaps the other bowl is bigger so the portion seems bigger. Maybe the saucer-like nature of the one makes the yogurt spread thin and look measly. Maybe earlier the child wanted to use the red towel and I passed that one to the sister instead (without knowing). Maybe there is concern about how much yogurt there is in the house, and whether or not there will be seconds. 

Once I get specific reasoning behind the feelings, instead of gross generalizations that I disagree with, I can offer information about yogurt quantities and not knowing about the red towel. I can explain how the shape of vessels changes the shape of their contents. I can reassure that I am making very strong efforts in the direction of equality. I can find empathy for a deep love of a particular food. 

Things work out.

The other day Echo wanted me to lift her up from the table, carry her to the bathroom, get her situated on the toilet and stand in one particular spot while she pooped. My thoughts were: What is this controlling bullshit? No way. I am not a slave and I have my own personal rights. So I was having a really difficult time finding empathy for her desperation and tears as I explained that I would come back for wiping help but that I wasn't going to just hang around the bathroom. Instead of looking for empathy I just wanted her to stop crying so that I could leave the bathroom! 

So I got curious. I stepped into neutral mode and asked what her reasoning was. She eventually said: I feel lonesome today. It feels safe and good when you are close to me.

Lonesome. How my heart leaped out of my chest for that dear girl. Lonesome is quite different from controlling. I can get behind lonesome, I can certainly linger two minutes in the bathroom for lonesome. 

Sometimes the reasons behind certain feelings are flabbergasting and simple to solve. One time one of the girls wanted a particular doll and after extensive questions it turned out that she wanted it because it had a sticker on it she liked. We relocated the sticker and peace reigned. Another time Xi was leaving lots of clothes all over the room and I was angry about it. I figured that she figured I would come along and put them all away for her, which was not a thought that led to empathy for her reluctance. After I got curious with her about her reasons she told me she could stand on her tiptoes and kind of shake clothes off of the hangers but couldn't reach well enough to hang clothes back up. We got her a stool.

Sometimes kids don't think to explain and we make assumptions. Generally false assumptions don't lead to great empathy or productive solutions.

The even greater thing? Getting curious doesn't work solely with children. The next time you disagree with an adult in your life, get curious about their reasoning. Not the "What the fuck were you thinking???!!!" kind of curious but something gentle and trustworthy. It is almost impossible to disagree with someone entirely once you catch a glimpse of their internal dialog. They get the opportunity to be heard in a non-judgemental manner, without having to defend themselves. You get insight and the overwhelming rush of relief when you realize that their motivations are (commonly) fear, self-loathing, and anxiety, instead of disregard for others, particularly you. 

I recently heard a talk about The Tao, a little excerpt that talked about being as flexible as the palm tree. Tall and swaying, not rigid in thought or understanding of others, or even of yourself. There are so many applications for this of course, but my thoughts turned to motherhood. To be flexible in human relations, in parenting in particular, is to truly listen, to stand in the hallway in the crunch time between toothbrushing and sleep, and actually find out why the spider on the ceiling is so darn scary. Asking questions and actually considering the answers is far more revealing and helpful than my usual: It's more afraid of you than you are of him! and a gentle shove toward the pillow.

They are fascinating creatures these children, and almost never irrational. Their tears come from a real place and if we bother to ask we'll find out where that is. If we know the location, we can find in ourselves the capacity to hold, and murmur, and feel true empathy.

The Best Way to Love a Girl

Your kids are so cute. Our kids are so cute. Sometimes they are so goddamn darling that we want to literally rip them to pieces and consume every last crumb. Sometimes the twirling ballerina is so breathtaking that our breath actually does leave our bodies. Their eyes so wide, so bright, so gorgeous that the angels sing. 

At times like these, as loving, adoring parents the words come tumbling out, showering their downy heads,You are so beautiful! Cute! Awesome! Incredible! Pretty pretty pretty! It's true they are, and it feels not only natural to let them know, to shout to the heavens our regard and esteem, but also good for them.

But the thing is, it's not.

Alfie Kohn's book talks about praise, and after reading it I felt like punching myself in the stomach for every "Good job!" I ever slung at the park and elsewhere in the years preceding. His argument is rock solid. His argument is inarguable. His argument makes sense, both on a guttural, emotional level, and an academic one. Praise backfires, praise is an arm of conditional love.

"The more we say "Good job!" the worse the child comes to feel about himself, and the more praise he needs." " As a result of praise, children become less able or willing to take pride in their own accomplishments - or to decide what IS an accomplishment. In extreme cases, they can turn into "praise junkies" who, even as adults, continue to rely on other people for validation..."

Statements like these make me want to drop praise like a ton of bricks and walk away forever. You don't have to tell me twice. I want my kids to feel good about themselves, to work and play based on intrinsic motivation not because they are doggedly searching for my approval.

But then there is cuteness. Can't it be excluded from the above? Please? Sadly, I think not. And with girls especially, I think you should quickly cut off your lips before you praise them for their appearance.

Okay that's extreme, but let's look at the material we are working with, let's look at what a young girl/woman is going to face in her lifetime, the magazines, the music videos, the advertisements, her peers. Do we really want to set them up now to look outside themselves for validation for their appearance? A girl's mom says she looks cute and that feels good, so the next morning the girl tries for that again. Do I look pretty and cute in this outfit too Mom? Fast forward only ten years and it's not Mom she's looking to to tell her wether or not she looks pretty anymore. 

And what she looks toward, magazines and videos, will NOT tell her she looks good. They will tell her her boobs are too small and her armpits too smelly. And furthermore, that she should do something about that, change who she is, how she looks, and what she smells like if she wants to come even close to validation.

Yesterday Echo came to me, eyelashes batting, dressed to the nines in a sparkly green tutu, so sun-dappled and precious as to cause suffering, and asked: Do you like what I picked out Mom? and I wanted to say: I think you are the most beautiful human being I have ever seen in my entire life. You are drop dead gorgeous. But instead I said: Oh! You picked the long green shirt and the sparkly green skirt huh? Do you just love it?

I wasn't satisfied. 

But SHE WAS. 

She wanted to be seen. She wanted me to notice her delight. That's it. She did not want me to decide for her if it was pretty, she was already sure of that. If I had doled out the "Beautiful!" "So pretty!", she probably would have liked it, but subconsciously my comment would remain with her and the next time she selected her clothes, instead of reaching assuredly for what she knows with certainty is pretty, she might instead wonder "Is this pretty?" A seemingly loving comment is like a little invisible time bomb, an insidious undetectable poison that robs her of her own knowing and supplants it with a guessing and a striving.

There are times when the same question arrives: Do you like this Mom? and the answer is NO! There are times when the outfit selected is completely and utterly heinous - stained pajama pants and an Elmo tank, an outfit that makes me cringe and dread leaving the house. But to watch her is to watch a queen. The Elmo tank feels just right on her shoulders and the pants fill her with warmth thinking of the dear friend that passed those along. She descends the stairs with sparkles dancing about her head, so sure.

So fucking sure of herself.

My need to express my esteem, or my opinion of her cuteness is less important than that. 

Other times Echo drags out the makeup case and paints herself up. When she's done she looks up and says: What do you think? The last time she asked the lipstick was a sparkly lavender line squiggled well above her lip. I said: Uh huh!.

And at night when I wash her face I refrain from: You're such a dirty girl! My goodness you've got the whole park on here! You filthy little monkey! If she objects to my ministrations, I explain that I'd rather get the stuff on her face off so that it doesn't slough off onto the bed. I give her information instead of my opinion. I'd rather she forget she had a face at all other than as a receptacle for kisses and a smooth spot to feel the Spring breeze.

When we are leaving the house for a fancy dinner we tell the girls where we are going and what it's like there. We ask, after receiving that information, if they are satisfied with their attire and appearance. If not they change, if so they remain as they are. It might mean a big swallow for the parents, a need for some self-empathy and a pep talk, in order to enter a restaurant with girls with tangly hair or outfits that involve seventeen layers of floral skirts, but it's worth it.

We are talking about their sense of self. Their whole sense of self. It's worth it.

To be honest, there are times when we speak on impulse and say: Yes, I do like that outfit! and although I think this is a step above the general declaration of beauty or prettiness in that it clarifies that our opinion is just that, an opinion not a decree, we don't feel entirely good about this response. We quickly try to turn it back around, placing the focus back on their own opinion with: Do YOU like it? These qualified statements could perhaps be better looked at as a stepping stone, a way of weaning ourselves from outright praise and toward loving, supportive, neutrality.

I received this email recently:

There's been a lot of discussion in these parts lately about how issues of body image jive with the whole no praise/punishment philosophy...  we like the idea of simply limiting comments about how children look to a minimum, and yet many of us yearned to hear our parents (fathers especially) call us beautiful growing up and never did...

It's true. What our parents say matters. A lot. So, many of us think it best to say lots of good things to our kids. Looking back we would have liked our fathers and mothers to tell us how beautiful they saw us to be, but I want to make the argument that we only think we wanted that, in part because we were taught through conditional parenting to want that. What I think we really wanted, what we all still want, what everyone wants, is to be noticed, to be loved and accepted. And as girls we look for this in the arena of looks, because well, let's face it, that's where women have historically had any hope of getting noticed. 

Imagine for a moment if your dad or your mom, when you got yourself all gussied up for the prom did not say: Oh how beautiful you are darling! (Giving the dress credit for your beauty), or, Oh, Honey, let me get that strap for you. You can't go to the dance with these threads hanging down... (adjusting the details of your appearance so that you, finally, now, are beautiful or acceptable) but instead they said:

You're all ready huh? Let me get a good look at you... Oh how I love you.

My friend Kris and I have a pact not to mention or praise one another's appearance. I have found insane comfort and freedom in this. I am a logical person with high self-esteem, but when someone makes a comment on my appearance (You look fantastic today! Oh wow, have you lost weight? What a cute dress, it's really flattering on you!) at first I am thrilled and then these tiny voices I didn't even know were there pop up. What did I look like yesterday that sets me up to look fantastic today? Was I like totally fat the last time we saw each other?  Flattering? Gosh, I guess that means some of my other outfits are a little less than flattering. I wonder which ones... I think I want praise but then I realize it's the flip side of criticism, it's in the same family, a family I want nothing to do with.

It's been a year since Kris and I made our pact and when I am with her I feel fantastic, and not because I happened to wear an outfit that pleases her, but because she loves me. She sees me. Maybe she does like how I look on most days and I know this, I feel this, because I feel her unconditional love. Unconditional love can make anyone feel drop dead gorgeous.

What if none of us ever mentioned appearance? What would we choose to wear? What would we think about our butts? Would I even notice the lines around my eyes? Would anyone wear skinny jeans?

What if we let our daughters be their own mirrors, how beautiful they would feel.

Want more? Check out Keeping it to Myself

Sand Eating, Sidewalk Licking... Curiosity or Defiance?

Straight from the inbox:

I have been meaning to write and ask for your help on an issue I am having with my daughter. She keeps testing me on certain things and I don't know how to react in an empathetic way. So I will give you a few examples.

1. We are at the park. She loves playing in the sand box. But now she is putting it in her mouth, and showing it to me, as if to show she is doing what she is not supposed to...and what am I going to do about it. So I ask her to stop. And then, I told her if she cannot play without eating the sand, we will have to leave until she is ready to play with the sand again. That felt so uncomfortable for me to do. I hate using consequences.

2. Another example. We are at the park, she lies down and starts to lick the ground. My reaction is the same as above. She stops, but I don't like myself for how I wasn't empathetic. But how can I be empathetic when I want her to stop, when what she is doing is not healthy or safe for her. 

3. Another example. She is running around, her shoe lace gets untied. I stop her and tie it back up. She tries to loosen it again. And we go back and fourth. I don't know how to deal with this since she will fall if her lace is untied. Thankfully we had a distraction that pulled her away from trying to continue untying the shoe (she saw a bird in the air).

What are your thoughts on this? How do you deal with these kind of situations using empathy? Clearly my daughter knows she shouldn't, but she is doing it to test me. I know just because of the way she looks at me when she is doing it. It's like she keeps doing it knowing that I don't want her to. Agh. What to do?

********

I can picture the scenarios that you describe perfectly. They are almost universal I imagine! I can definitely give you my thoughts on these and hopefully you will feel free to use any parts that feel useful to you and your daughter. 

    

What seems to be happening is that there are two teams forming. Mom on one side saying no and implementing consequences, daughter on the other experimenting with sand (which is viewed by mother as "testing" or doing what child knows is wrong). More specifically: 

• You don't want her to eat sand. 
• You don't like it that she is doing it anyway. 
• You are concerned about her health. 
• You feel like she is defying you(?).

My guess is that she:

• Is curious about how different textures taste and feel.
• Is curious about your strong feelings regarding this.

Shifting the perception from "defiance" to "curiosity" will go a long way to ensure that empathy is even possible.

    

Empathy for her means stepping into the shoes of a young child, remembering that her mouth is a very useful tool in discovering things about her world. You can find empathy for simply liking how something feels, for enjoying oneself to the fullest. You can empathize with truly "knowing" a place inside and out, all the way down to how the sidewalk tastes! You can also empathize with her curiosity about your reaction. It must be pretty darn intriguing to her that when she puts sand in her mouth her mom has a big response.

    

This empathy will help you find connection with your daughter, will help you join sides, it will not make her stop eating sand. 

    

I think it will help to set this goal aside.

    

To impose a consequence in this situation, in my opinion is potentially damaging to your relationship (present and future). Your daughter probably does not connect eating sand with having to leave the park because there is no natural connection between these two. What she likely sees is her mother indiscriminately imposing her power. What is probably happening for you is that you are making a decision based on your feelings and reactions and carrying it out, disguised as consequence. 

    

Making her leave the park is a form of punishment and I do not believe that punishment works well for eliminating behaviors or fostering connection. Besides, there are innumerable places with dirt, sand, gravel, and all sorts of other gross things. Controlling her behavior by controlling the environment will prove fruitless in the end. There are consequences that happen naturally when one eats sand and it might be helpful to talk to her about these, or observe them when they are happening, as a way of imparting information.

    

Oh I see. You've put sand in your mouth. How is that? Pretty crunchy? Do you need some water to wash it down/out? Are you looking at me because you know I don't want you to do that? You're right. I am concerned about your belly. Sand isn't something that your body can use, it isn't food so your belly might have a hard time with it. I definitely would prefer you eat some of the snacks we brought.

The more neutral you can be in your response the less motivation she will have to eat sand as a way of witnessing a strong reaction from you. But if she still eats sand, this is where empathy comes in for you. 

(Internal dialog) Oh man. I HATE it when she does that! It feels so gross to me, and I am worried she will get sick, or that people will think I'm a bad mother. I said no and she's still doing it, that really pisses me off.... I get the heebie jeebies when I see that! Ugh. 

My hunch is that if there were not a restriction against putting sand in her mouth your daughter would do it a couple times, maybe more, and then be done with it. Furthermore I do not believe she will actually get sick. In my experience it is really difficult to convince a child of something when I can not convincingly explain why.

    

If she were running into a busy street I think you have full license to pick her up physically. I do not believe sand eating or sidewalk licking falls into this life-threatening category.

    

It might be worth it to look into your thoughts and feelings about your daughter doing something that you told her not to do. It is definitely part of current american culture that parents should "control their children" or when a parent says "no, they mean no!". Our society prizes blind obedience without looking forward to see what that obedience turns into. Let's remember that you want a free-thinking daughter, one that has her own mind and can not be easily influenced by others. You want a daughter that can think for herself, but also one that has natural empathy for others. This means helping her with that now by using/expressing empathy and avoiding unduly controlling her actions.

    

In my world I am careful not to lay down "the law" because my girl will almost always go in that direction, just because she has been told not to, and then I am stuck with the job of enforcing that law in some unsavory manner. If I stay on the same team we can work together to find a solution. 

    

As for the shoelace, you can try using empathy as you reach to tie it: Oh you're having so much fun you don't want to stop running for a second! I'll be super quick, I just want to tie this shoelace so that you stay safe while you are running. If she really doesn't want it tied leave it untied. If she does fall, hold her and kiss her just like you would when she gets hurt in other situations. After that you can mention the shoelace: You know I think this shoelace might have tripped you up a bit. Shall we tie it so that you stay safe?

That really is the rub of parenting, you can't actually make them do anything. You can try, but I think it comes with a great cost to the relationship and to influencing their behavior in the long run. So you will be at the park grimacing as she licks something you'd rather she didn't, and cringing as she runs with a loose shoelace. And that will be hard. But it is worth it.

    

Want more? Here is Nathan's take on making kids do things. And more from me.

Or come visit us. 

Walking My Own Talk

This comment came in yesterday to the post "Parental Witching Hour": 

By the way, what are you supposed to DO or say in this situation? My son almost 4 is sometimes just not interested in talking or empathy and can be very hard on my daughter, me, or his friends.

The short answer is nothing differently, except for the tight grip and the rough set down.

The long answer is that there is a lot more I could have done if I had wanted.

• First, my own headspace. 

When I look back at that day, when Echo had her brow furrowed, fists clenched, and was looking for any opportunity to thwart the play of her friends, even though I went through the motions of empathy, I see that  I was not primarily interested in her perspective. I mostly wanted her to stop. And although I often want this when I am squatting down and attempting to step into her shoes, my desire for her to act differently was crowding out honest empathetic intentions and clarity about her needs.

I wanted folks to have a good time. I wanted to keep sitting on the couch with Romy and Gabe while they paged through pictures of me in junior high. In the back of my mind I knew Echo needed a concentrated dose of me, a long snuggle in private, my attention, my solidarity. And frankly, I didn't want to give it. I wanted to keep doing what I was doing and I wanted everyone else to be able to keep doing what they were doing without being struck or intimidated by my daughter.

But that's the "too bad" of parenting. You can't always get what you want. I can't chat heedlessly with my girlfriends while my daughter builds her feelings into a towering, feisty volcano. To parent this way means that at the very least I look at the world from the same place as her, or try my hardest to do so. My view, from on high with the photo album, down at her with her "bratty behaviors" is what led us to gripped arms and emotional trauma for both (all?).

Perhaps all because a flurry of aggressive motions doesn't usually soothe the crowd of onlookers. When I went to school for dog massage (yes, this did actually happen) the instructor explained that one dog receiving a massage will often relax the entire group of dogs. In fact you can calm an entire shelter full of canines by gently soothing and rubbing down a single candidate. And that's what happens when a parent uses empathy, the entire room lets out a collective sigh. At the grocery store when a mom yanks her screaming child out the door, there is an assumption that the public is grateful to her for "doing something", for "controlling" her child, for not letting the kid "get away" with that kind of behavior. But I am pretty sure that the blood pressure of the public skyrockets, not because there was a child screaming, but because of the mom's reaction to that screaming. Empathy can get a bad name (permissive, hippy-dippy, all talk/no action), but it works better at not only addressing the actions of the child but at caring for the public as well.

In any case, my head was not in the right place to help Echo completely that day.

• Second, forewarning.

I did mention to Echo that we were hosting play group and she did hear about that plan. But I could have/should have done more. She has had trouble at two of the previous play groups. In fact at the last one we ended up opting for strapping her to my back in the Ergo because she needed that much contact and that much closeness, and there she stayed for the duration.

But I didn't talk to her more about it. I told her the plan without discussing last time or any of the feelings that come up for her when her personal home space is filled with other children. Today we are hosting one of those same children again, and having wised up a bit I brought the subject up last night. And again this morning. I told her that our friend needs a place to be for a couple of hours and that together Echo and I can "babysit" (a word that makes her smile). And that we are in love and that will never change, no matter how many other children visit us. And that our friend will eventually go home to her house and Echo will stay because she is my beloved baby. Echo piped up and said: And you will always help me.

So today begins with connection, with a concern for her feelings, and a willingness on my part to stay with her emotionally and physically. I believe that will make a difference.

• Homeopathy

That being said, sometimes none of the above works. At all. When I am shaking my head in bewilderment and I have seriously given it my all I turn to homeopathy. Homeopathy is not just for addressing flus and colds, although it works wonders in this department. Often Echo is not sick, but she is very "off" in temperament. We talk to our homeopath and list every possible "symptom". An example would go something like this:

she wants me to hold her constantly

her cheeks are red

one eye is tearing up

she threatens Xi for no reason at all

she prefers to be home

she craves protein

she is most crabby after 4pm

her clothes are bothering her, too itchy

she wakes in the middle of the night, just to chat

she wont answer direct questions

she doesn't want to be alone

she screams instead of talking things out

Our homeopath uses his expertise and an extensive database and finds a substance that when taken in large quantities causes these same symptoms. Then we give Echo this substance in an extremely diluted form, by way of tiny sugar pellets that have been doused, and her body is inspired to shift. The symptoms go away. It sounds like magic and it is magical. Echo will be struggling through a set of symptoms like those listed above and if we give her the right remedy within an hour she is different, back to center.

Perhaps our parenting strategy should be called empathy, information, and homeopathy because homeopathy is our secret weapon.

If nothing works there is nothing to be done except rinse and repeat. I sound flippant and jokey but seriously doing it all again -empathy, forewarning/information, homeopathy- is the course of action that makes the most sense to me. Although we may not be able to make the kid do what we want in that exact moment we are modeling again and again what we'd like to see, how we'd like our family to operate, and this makes a difference in the child's behavior in the long run. Though there may be a temptation to chuck it all, yank and punish, I believe we are doing a grave disservice to our child, to hopes of using empathy at all, and especially to our relationship. 

ps. Our homeopath is Vital Homeopathic and long distance phone treatment is normal and effective. (406) 721-1632

Stalling Tactics

I've been a little slow on the draw lately. The girls get into a tussle, well to be exact, lately Echo intimidates, threatens, licks, spits on, or pokes Xi, and I can't get my brain or my mouth into action. I stand at the kitchen sink watching the whole thing go down, completely mute and stupid in the head.

I don't know why. Lack of sleep? Time of the month? Thinking about other things (like a tropical island and blue drinks)? Who knows.

I used to think a parent had to pounce at just the right moment, like training a dog (cringe), and say the right thing at just the right moment. I figured the point was to stop the child in their tracks and effect a different outcome than the one they were heading for. Child threatening older sister with a pencil? Bark a command/threat! Child dragging sharp thing across newly refinished hardwood floors? Shout sound of displeasure! Basically I thought that the world would end if I did not jump in at that crux moment. I thought my parenting power depended on quick reflexes.

Well, I was wrong.

I think we can generally agree that the first thing to somersault out of our mouths is not usually a thought-out one. Conditioned responses, usually meaning whatever our mothers said to us, are usually the first in line to pop out when we face stress. And the fact of the matter is that a day with children is peppered with little moments of mini-stress, so if we aren't careful, and allow our auto-pilot minds to shriek the very first conditioned response, we will have spent the entire day saying things our rational, thoughtful, careful mind disagrees with. 

Lately I haven't had a choice, I couldn't be quick to spout out anything even if I wanted to. My mind and mouth are filled with molasses. But I have found that taking the time to dry my hands off, walk slowly toward the scuffle, clear my throat and gather my wits is to our benefit. As it turns out addressing the situation after the older sister has been licked unwillingly by the younger one is still effective, is even more effective. The automatic, conditioned bark/shout/yell/threaten response cause the children to scatter like cockroaches, to scramble and panic and defend. The casual, slow, calm, thought-out response causes none of this. If I am not threatening, they do not feel threatened, and thus can actually hear what it is I'm going to say.

And even after I've stalled and taken my time (relatively speaking) getting to the scene of the crime, I often still don't know what to say. Empathy is a great "go-to" when I've got nothing else up my sleeve. "Crap, you didn't like getting licked. You don't want her to lick you anymore. You feel mad that she licked you even though you said no... Echo she really doesn't want you to lick her. She wants to be able to say what happens to her body and for you to respect that..." And often this is enough. Often this is more than enough to change the situation, to loosen their grip on the argument, to breathe air into the tension. But sometimes afterward, they want something more, and sometimes my muck-filled brain can't think of anything else.

So I stall again. Well it can't really be called stalling because it's more like stopping. I admit to myself and to them, that I don't know what to do. Last night Echo wanted to sit by Xi and Xi wanted to sit alone. I don't know what to do about that kind of thing. There is no precedent or rational reason why one position makes more sense than the other. So after empathy and a good "hearing out" of the scene, Xi said: " So Nallie what do we DO about that?" And I had no idea, so I said: "I don't know what to do about that. What do we do guys?"

They colored and played and revisited the conversation every now and then and without my opening my mouth again they had devised a scheme to sit together while coloring and then separate for dinner. 

Moms don't have to know the answer. 

They also don't have to jump in like a lifeguard, throwing giant threat-stuffed preservers to save the day. A slow, steady amble is fine, and a genuine concern for all feelings involved is more than enough.

Now if only the day would stay saved...

 

We Like Each Other

Kris interviewed me for her blog. You can ckeck it out here.