Talk Feeleez

The Basics Still Pop Up

F*** PRAISE

At the soccer games some kids have parents on the sidelines that give them advice and praise when they do things "well" or "right", and these kids look to the sidelines constantly. When they miss a goal? Glance to the parents. When they kick or do something praise worthy? Glance to the parents. From where I stand the kids' game experience is filtered through the lens of the approving or disapproving parents.

This isn't what I want for my kids.

Our girl is like a mexican jumping bean, leaping from one thrill to another all over the field. Sometimes she's stoked because her teammate hugged her after a goal. Other times she's just simply pumped because soccer is crazy fun! When she looks at us we mimic her spastic enthusiasm - for no reason other than that she's silly-happy. At the game on sunday Echo had some technically successful moves and her coach bellowed out GOOD JOB ECHO!!! Our girl, who never hears these words, lapped it up. Her spastic joy movements spiked. But she didn't look at us. She just started running crazy again, all over the field, not even necessarily trying to repeat the great thing she was praised for. That praise she received seems to have nothing to do with how she feels about herself, or about soccer in general.

That's what I want for my kids.

Heck, that's what I want for myself. I want to write in spastic joy, not because my last post got thousands of shares and I want to repeat that, but because it's fun and feels good. I want to draw or sculpt, not because my last photo on Facebook got several "likes" but because it stirs my spirit to make things. Unfortunately praising children for the "good" they do has been the parenting ideal for decades and decades. My very make-up has been shaped by this tenant and it's hard to shake.

Here's to the next generation.

 

ATTACHMENT ISN'T JUST FOR BABIES

In other news...

Echo now sleeps in her mini bed next to ours. It seems like a personal challenge she has taken on and she's simply determined that this is how things will be from now on. I like it that she is making a choice free from parental or societal pressures. It feels like her personal flower is blooming at the precise pace that makes sense for her. And somehow for me this translates into a knowledge that she is becoming herself, a marvelous dynamic interesting self all her own.

I'd say four out of five nights she joins us in our bed sometime in the early hours. The other night she found me in the bathroom brushing my teeth before my own bedtime and she wanted me to help her fall back asleep. I was thinking we should just get in the parents bed because I was looking forward to some serious zzz's and the short nature of Echo's bed means that I can't actually sprawl out and pass out. 

But my girl wanted to "sleep in her own bed" and was hoping I would help her, then get up and get in my own bed. How I resisted! How this sounded a lot like postponing sleep! I tried to talk her out of it, but I was also totally aware of how stupid that was in the middle of the night with a half-conscious child. I inwardly railed against my circumstances. Then I remembered how long I nursed this girl. I remembered how long I carried this girl. I remembered how far I have pushed my strength in order to escort this being through this world in a way that felt good to us both.

Hell, my body and will can do anything for this child.

Suddenly my complaint of bent knees in a too-small bed seemed so paltry. If I was able to do all that I have been able to do - physically, emotionally, and psychologically in order to meet my own parenting goals in the past, I certainly can sleep (or not sleep) in a too-small bed for twenty minutes until my girl drifts back to dreamland.

 

EMPATHY, WHY DO I FORGET YOU SOMETIMES

I have a personal quirk that is sometimes difficult to manage. I like to walk the dog early in the day. It sounds like I simply have a preference for this time period but really it's more than that. As the day goes on, if I haven't taken a dog walk yet I feel anxious. I say it's because of the needs of the dog but it's also for me. Taking a walk is a need of mine. Also, once the walk is imminent and my mind is turned in that direction I am super impatient. Super. Impatient.

Yesterday, by the time we did tasks, picked up snacks for soccer, attended the Wild Walk Parade, and finished the soccer game itself I was ready for the dog walk, but Echo wouldn't go.

She had caught whiff of some possible computer time and in kid logic I think it seemed to her if she refused to go that possible computer time would happen and happen soon. My adult logic was like: Are you f-ing kidding me? Kid, your PARENTS ARE LEAVING. We aren't leaving you here, you aren't having computer time, and I will pick your ass up and manhandle you into the stroller. But I kept my cool. I swept the floor to still my impatience. Nathan and I got curious about Echo's stance. She gripped the chair she was sitting in, refused to elaborate and repeated that she. was. not. going.

Stalemate.

I swept for a long time. Then I finally asked if I could hold Echo. She consented to a hug. But the hug turned into holding. The holding turned into connection and empathy. Going for a walk just doesn't sound good huh? You're tired from your game and it sounds delicious to curl up and watch Planet Earth huh? That DOES sound good. I love Planet Earth. Now that we were on the same team I gave her some more information about my perspective - how I like to take good care of our dog, how I think of the dog walk as a task to complete, how I would be more open to Planet Earth after the walk because I will feel more relaxed and willing to let it last longer because I wouldn't be hurrying that part. Nathan and I also offered to walk the same loop but at a quick pace.  

And somehow it all worked out. Empathy is invisible but powerful. Even with a time lapse camera you wouldn't be able to see it actually doing it's thing, but you certainly can feel it taking affect. 

 

Invisible empathy in action.

 

*********

(No) praise, attachment, empathy. The basics still pop up.

 

 

Ideally I Would Have Skipped the Persuasion Part Altogether

From now on all of my posts will be about soccer.

Just kidding. 

But really those soccer games! I tell you it's like a whole parenting universe shrunk down to a bite-size and potent chunk. There are other kids doing things and I have thoughts about those things. And there are other parents doing things, and by god I certainly have thoughts about those things. And then there are MY KIDS!

Xi came to the soccer game this time and as we were arriving she was getting Echo psyched about her opponent, a local Orthodontics team in green jerseys. She was pretty sure Echo's team would win. And there it is that competition thing, the part I have been cringing about, the part I was worried other people would impose on my family, and the first time it reared up was in our own van. I ended up saying: "Well win or lose it doesn't really matter because you still get to do all the fun parts either way. You still get to run and cheer and kick and all that good stuff."

Then I crossed my fingers that mere words could land in the hearts of my girls and make a difference.

Then, unrelated to this conversation, Echo wouldn't play the game. 

Our worst nightmare! Okay, now that I read those lines it sounds a bit dramatic. The other night I woke up and Echo was nowhere to be found. Not in bed! In the middle of the night! I went into complete shock but before I FREAKED out and died of fear and sorrow that our littlest was taken in the night I went pee. In stumbled Echo - returning from (irrationally) having gone downstairs to find me - alive and well. Phew. So, a child disappearing is our worst nightmare, but in the world of sports, having the kid that simply won't go onto the field even though the game is starting is at the very least, nerve wracking. 

She was nervous. Too nervous and she wanted to go home.

Nathan and I pulled out all of the logic we could.

• - her team needed her to be the fifth player
• - her team needed her to help them protect the goal and get the ball
• - she had chosen to play soccer and this is what "playing soccer" means
• - they built the team with the notion that Echo would be the fifth player and it isn't really fair now to not be that fifth player
• - she was nervous last time and remember how much fun it was?
• - it would feel better after she started, perhaps she should just get out there and give it a shot
• - Xi is here to see the game and she really wants to see her sister play
• - we're asking you to trust us. We think this is really something you can do.
• - You can look to make your own fun, you can look for opportunities to have as much fun as possible.

But Echo was serious. She. Wasn't. Playing. Meanwhile the coach was calling for her and the game had actually started. We poured on the empathy. 

• You're cold.
• You're nervous.
• Oh man. That's hard.

Nathan and I were exchanging OH SHIT! glances as all of our words just rained down on the resolute girl.

Because here is the truth folks. You can't make kids do anything.

I wanted her to join her teammates. I also wanted her to have fun. I wanted her to want to play. But she didn't want to and even if I dragged her out there I couldn't make her actually play. Even if we threatened her with punishment we couldn't make her have fun or like soccer or do anything different than what she was doing. And of course I wasn't going to punish or threaten. Of course I am only ever going to use empathy and information because my relationship with my girl is more important than all of the drama possible at a kindergarten soccer game. 

Still I wanted her feet to move.

In the midst of it all I was able to slip in some self-empathy. I noticed I was embarrassed. And I was panicked. I wanted to run away to our van and get out of there. 

And then for no discernible reason Echo hugged each of us in turn, fiercely, with her eyes pinched closed. She ran out onto the field and had the time of her life. She was feisty and involved in every play. She was running and grinning and narrating her every move: "Uh uh uh...", she said to the ball, "Not so fast! You can't get away from me!!!" She had the time of her life.

We asked her about it later. Away from the epicenter of pure emotion she was able to break it down for us. The opposing team was a new one and that made her nervous. The field was new too. And there was an additional kid on her team too. All of this made her more nervous than before. The thought that inspired her to play though is that she remembered how much fun she had at the last game and she wouldn't even have a chance to have that kind of fun if she didn't play. And then once she was in the game she made a point of looking for all the fun she could find, and this literary girl knows very well that telling the story of playing the game while playing the game is a guaranteed source.

Ideally I would have skipped the persuasion part altogether. It didn't feel good at the time and it also didn't feel effective. And as it turns out there is a reason for this. When kids are in the throes of intense emotion they aren't able to process in the same way. Echo couldn't hear us about "fifth players" and "commitment" because she was deathly nervous. We said the words anyway because we were panicked and felt short of time (The coach was calling! The game was starting!) but if I had it to do over again I think I might go for empathy first and just suck it up and wait for a bit while that empathy sunk in.

Apparently, a person is actually incapable of complex thought when dealing with intense emotions. It's part of the human survival design. When confronted with a raging lion or anything else terrifying and life-threatening (like a soccer game) the part of the brain that deals with complex processing shuts down. It shuts down and boots up the reptilian brain. Your brain doesn't want you to have complex thought in these situations, it wants you to charge up your self-defense skills, like running away really fast or charging headlong - whatever it takes to stay alive. It doesn't want you weighing the odds or thinking about it too much. 

Only after the threat has passed, only after the emotions have been processed, does the rest of the brain turn back on. This is why explaining to your children about the rules and consequences of hitting while the child is in an enraged, flailing state is like throwing words into the wind. They don't stick. 

Empathy. (Time passing). Information. 

Oh but that part in parentheses can take forever! Waiting for emotions to shift enough for the complex brain to take back over is the most trying part of parenthood.

 

S.O.S - Update

Are you wondering how my little beastie is doing?

She's feeling better.

In fact this morning, after making a fort in our bed with the clothes that I, ahem, leave piled up at the foot of our bed, Echo got up on her own, picked out an outfit for me and laid it on the bed, got dressed, fed all of the animals, and then made us both toast. I ate that kinda cold, poorly buttered toast in my "stylish" outfit of fleece pants and a sexy-mama sweater-shirt with shoulder cut outs. Her aim was cozy and special and she definitely hit the target. In fact I was feeling so cozy and peaceful that I forgot all about the dark days we have just emerged from.

During those days Echo would have argued irrationally and eloquently with me, explaining with fiery urgency why today was NOT a day in which it made sense for me to snuggle with papa before getting up. Then she would have shrieked at me as I made my way to the bathroom, sure that I was going to snatch away her right to pee on the toilet first. She'd do the same with the stairs. Then she'd spot something her sister was doing and launch into a full-blown red-in-the-face tirade about whatever it was that Xi was doing. She'd flail on the floor and demand my presence and argue, argue, argue about the injustice of it all.

So what's the difference?

• Nothing.
• Time passing.
• Empathy.
• Homeopathy.

Basically in that order.

NOTHING: Sometimes kids are just fucking crazy. Then time passes and they are different. So I was waiting for this. Hoping that the transition was coming. Trying not to count the days. Going into emergency mode - scheduling as little as possible, making sure food levels remained high, maintaining an early bedtime, ensuring that my physical body and interest were available for crafting, hugging, and talking, and avoiding getting myself involved in challenging things like trouble-shooting a new idea in Adobe Illustrator. 

TIME PASSING: See above. Also, with time comes perspective. The first time Echo flung her body at Xi for using the stools Echo wasn't using but was going to use I was absolutely blindsided. I spent a lot of time explaining how her view of things was baldly incorrect and therefore she shouldn't be upset. Stupid me! But like I said I wasn't prepared. After the tenth time, when Echo perceived an injustice no one else could see I didn't linger over the discussion as long. 

EMPATHY - Of course. Because even folks, or especially, folks that are not feeling quite right, that are super upset (even irrationally) need empathy. And I'm not saying this was easy to give. I am cerebral before emotional so it's tough for me to become empathetic when I see there is no cause for the set of emotions I am supposed to empathize with. 

When Echo warned Xi that she was using the fort and Xi veered away from the staked claim to find a seat on the pink chair instead and Echo still got upset about Xi using something that she was "just about to use", I've got to admit that I didn't have easy access to empathy. My mind wasn't ready with "Oh honey. You're so mad. You were using the pink chair huh? Shoot. Are you so mad that Xi is in your way?" because my mind was too busy playing "WTF?" on repeat. And I really can't leave my mind behind as much as I want to sometimes. If I could have crawled into the fort with just my heart to soothe my girl I would have.

So I plowed through the irrational "facts". I rationally explained while she irrationally explained. And that got us no where, for sure, but all the while I was holding her and giving her my full face and care. Eventually we broke through to the other side, into the grassy plain where Echo finally slackened and said: "I just don't feel right! And I just really want the pink chair. And I'm just really mad." PRAISE THE HEAVENS - that is a state of being for which  I can have mountains of empathy.

HOMEOPATHY - Get some.

No really, empathy and time passing and a simplified life is all great but it is SO MUCH EASIER and effective when the set of feelings are true. When things are just insane, when one of our children is acting loony, when empathy helps but doesn't prevent the exact same scenario from popping up again, Nathan and I know that there must be something more going on. We do our best to treat the girls with homeopathy because when they are in imbalance the things they are feeling, at least some of them, are due to the imbalance more than any particular set of circumstances. A child suffering imbalance isn't as receptive to good parenting.

For instance, when Xi is "off" she cries easily. And when I say easily I mean that she cries even before there is something to be upset about, even before she asks for help with a possibly, slightly, troubling situation. Like if I ask her to move her homework off the counter she'll start crying because the buckle on the backpack is hard to un-click. I can give her empathy for those feelings, and I do, but I also go straight for the cabinet and give her her homeopathic remedy. After the remedy is in place she is still Xi, but she is a Xi that is dealing with "true" emotions, not emotions derived from imbalance.

Xi is consistent in what remedy she needs. She has benefited from the same remedy (in different potencies) for six years or more. With Echo we use a couple different ones depending on what's going on with her. This is why it's great to have a homeopath because they keep it all straight in their database and also because they can see your child more objectively. I am partially masked by fatigue and love so it takes me a few days to clearly see any usable symptoms.

But it was the pink chair/fort incident that finally illustrated some useful (in terms of selecting the proper remedy) symptoms. I explained to Echo that I wasn't going to make Xi get off the chair, that we don't do that in our house... When something is available for play anyone can play with it.... etc.

Echo: Yeah well she's NOT playing with it! She's just sitting there!

Me: She's pretending it's a house. She's sitting in the house.

Echo: Well it's NOT a house! It's just a chair! So if it's not a house then she's not playing with it! SO THERE! You have to get her off of it and give it back to me!

Me: She is playing with it honey. I'm not taking it away from her.

Echo: Well what she's NOT doing is giving it to me! And that's not fair!

 

An eloquent, irrational lawyer.

 

That's when it struck me, the pattern of all these outbursts. After Echo had settled I hopped up and went to the computer. When we don't want the expense of calling our homeopath we use a site called abchomeopathy.com. I entered these terms in the search box:

perceived injustice, irrational, antagonistic,

After answering several questions and winding my way through the database I landed on one of Echo's tried and true remedies. A quick trip to our cabinet and within an hour Echo was smoothed out.

Yes, she still gets mad at Xi. Yes, she still prefers to be the first one to pee in the morning. But the veneer of imbalance has been removed. Now I am just dealing with my daughter, not my daughter in imbalance. And that is about a bajillion times easier.

So there it is. A little more peace, a little less crazy.

 

ps. Our course in parenting with empathy starts tomorrow! Join in!

Related articles

Parenting With Empathy Course!

S.O.S

The sun is out!

The birds are chirping!

The grass is green-ing!

But inside? The five-year old is a raging beast of provocation and irrationality.

I went to let the chickens out and thought about just staying out there, in my jammies, waiting for the day to be over. 

Here's an example of recent issues: 

Xi is at the counter doing homework and playfully sitting on two stools. Echo rears her head from her play and sees this. She flies into a rage and shoves Xi off the stools ranting about how "she can't snatch that stool away from me!". She screams, cries, and rages.

or,

I'm practicing yoga and Echo circles. She asks me to clip a barrette into her hair and when I am done I go back to my pose. She has curled her toes under the mat and is now F-ING MAD that I am keeping her from using the mat the way she wants to. She screams, cries, and rages.

And you'd think that with this kind of madness the big sister would steer clear right? Would give the demon operating her little sister a wide berth, yes? NOPE. That Xi is right in there trying to use what Echo's using, trying to play a game with Echo that Echo doesn't want to play, trying to insert herself into the eye of the storm by any means necessary.

See why early morning frost and chickens sound better?

This is day three of this. When Nathan kissed me goodbye this morning I questioned his love for me, not believing that he would leave me with these two FOR THE WHOLE DAY. 

Why is this happening? 

-Echo is probably fighting a virus.

-Xi's personal make-up and life situation pre-determines an interest in not playing alone, in not being left out even if what she's being left out of is insane raging.

-The seasons are shifting and transitions (even positive ones) throw children off kilter.

-Just because.

 

What am I going to do?

-write a blog post!

-receive empathy graciously

-make sure we are NEVER trying to get somewhere at a certain time

-empty my bladder frequently so I'm not holding my pee

-drink enough water, eat enough food

-try to keep my voice soft

-do what it takes to squeeze in some yoga

-let them fight and/or stop fearing they may fight

-dig out empathy for them, even robotic-ly until I actually feel it

 

Related articles

Parenting With Empathy Course!

Unknown Criteria

Here the girls are on their spring hike fashion shoot.

 

Just kidding.

    

The two are merged in my mind because the hike was a true hike! And fabulous! And because there was a huge crying session beforehand about footwear. 

    

It's looking like spring around here and this family is in hog heaven. We are shucking jackets, riding bikes, swinging on the swing, basically rolling around in the joy of it all. Like pigs in mud, foxes in hen houses, ducks in water, all those sorts of animal phrases that involve serious joy? That's us. So of course we were gung-ho about hiking up our local sunny mountain. The mountain we can see from our bedrooms, from the playground, from our front yard. We are surrounded by these colossal beauties and when the sun shines on them its a serious come-hither.

    

Nathan, Echo, and I were running for it, lured by its siren sound. But Xi? Not so much. The girl doesn't like sudden moves, especially ones in which her family is suddenly doing something she hasn't had much time to think about. I remembered this and slowed down a bit. I drew a map of our route options and she became in charge of not only choosing the route but also holding the map. She was on board!

    

But oops, I spoke too soon. There was still the matter of footwear. Like all mothers everywhere the change of season sends me straight to the giant shoe tub. Much rooting and sorting later I had a variety of options for the girls to choose from. Echo chose some "speedy" running shoes and Xi slunk in misery.

    

Here's where the unknown criteria angle comes in. I am pretty observant as far as people go. I know Echo likes certain pants because they are soft and will never glance again at a shirt that has betrayed her with a scratchy label. And I know aesthetics reign supreme for Xi, but I still CANNOT predict what is going to show up on their bodies and how they make their clothing choices. 

    

None of the shoe options satisfied Xi. Nathan and I empathized until we were empathy-fatigued. Seriously, there were tears like you wouldn't believe. There was troubleshooting and brainstorming and more empathy. By the end there was only empathy because the parents couldn't see anything wrong with the options yet the kid apparently was still drowning in those seemingly invisible problems. Empathy is so great because, quite frankly Xi was going on the hike. She also wasn't happy about the shoes. Not much to do in that situation other than love her, empathize and let her sink into her own solution.

    

She chose fake suede boots with fluffy fur trim, slightly high-heeled and TOTALLY not what I would pick for a hike.

Echo chose neon orange socks, slacks that needed serious rolling, a short-sleeve flippy-style shirt, and blue mittens. Both girls were over the moon about both their outfit choices and the spectacular spring hike. 

    

Maybe the boots fit the image of "nature"? Maybe the neon orange socks seemed imbued with extra speed abilities? This is what I am telling you, I have no idea what the criterion are.

    

And I suppose I don't have to know. It sure is entertaining to see what emerges after all the drawer-ruffling. And maybe it's enough that even if I don't understand the choices I can at least understand the importance of getting to make the choice. 

    

This weekend, after studying India all week in school, Xi spent her days in a DIY silk sari. She taught Echo how to tie one and together they spent days as indian princesses. There was grace and charm but also a lot of map studying. They traced the silk road through China with their fingers, imagining how fabrics reached their castle in India. As they did so I made a mental note that when we homeschool Xi next year to start any geography lesson with that region's fashion choices.

Related articles

Parenting With Empathy Course!

Books and Empathy, Books and Empathy

Echo has this weird illness that is floating around town. The main symptom seems to be that you feel sick, then you feel better, then you feel sick again. Like a roller coaster ride. The good news is that she's not that sick, just a little fever and lethargy. The other good news is that we happen to have a stack of audio stories she is in love with.

She is clocking some serious audio story time, breaking her own personal records. We're talking eight to nine hours straight. She even listened to an audio story during the walk to and from the library where we got more audio stories.

Here is our current audio story lineup:

• Charlotte's Web
• Trumpet of the Swan
• Lemony Snicket - Book One
• Lemony Snicket - Book Two
• Lemony Snicket - Book Three
• 68  Rooms
• Riding Freedom
• Olivia Kidney
• Magic Treehouse
• The Meanest Doll from the Runaway Dolls series
• THe Sign of the Beaver

At night falling asleep Echo asks her vocabulary questions. "Mom, what are stakes? As in "high-stakes"?" And I love it that she can recite the exact source sentence so that I don't send her down the wrong explanatory road and confuse her completely. And sometimes I have to go to the dictionary myself. 

But not everyone loves eight straight hours of audio stories. In this home full of work-from-home folks sometimes it simply doesn't work. That's when we pull out the headphones. But sometimes even this doesn't work. Just yesterday morning Xi came to full fed-up-with-audio-stories mode. She didn't want to hear them out loud and she didn't want Echo disappearing behind head phones either. She wanted to play! She missed her sister.

It got pretty snarky, I have to admit. There was lots of "Fine! Don't play with me!" and scowls and feigned indifference poorly hidden through desperate tears. I know some of you simply do not believe me when I say that we use empathy for 80 percent of our parenting, but seriously? We do. 

I didn't even leave my yoga mat, I just paraphrased what I heard in clear feelings-based language. Sure, in my mind I was thinking: "We're screwed! This is going from bad to worse! I don't want to be interrupted! Just get over it girls! Maybe I should just declare that they aren't even allowed to play!" But on the outside I said things like: 

• Sure, you're sick and tired of audio stories huh?
• You miss your sister!
• You're sad that she doesn't want to play.
• You feel lonely and left out huh?
• You love it when you and Echo get a good game going.
• You love playing together.
• You were hoping for a different kind of morning.

And Xi got revved up by my comments, kind of indignant and more sad and angry. But she also stopped arguing her position and arguing the shitty-ness of audio stories. She stopped exaggerating Echo's use of audio stories and her own dislike for them. But also, and maybe more importantly, Echo listened to my empathetic rendition of Xi's position and I could tell from her face that for the first time she actually heard it. Without having to defend herself she could hear Xi's feelings.

To Echo I said:

• You love audio stories.
• It feels good, when you aren't feeling well, to cozy up and be still.
• You'd actually like to play with Xi huh? If you felt better?
• You love it when you and Xi have a fun game going, like "Girl Scouts" or "Wild Cats". 

Echo broke down in tears and said: "I would do anything to play with Xi. I am so tired and bored of feeling sick!" She slumped further in her chair but not in defiance or as part of an argument, she had her eyes on Xi - kind, loving eyes. 

Xi came up with the idea that maybe Echo could listen to audio stories during the time Xi is at her mom's house and then not listen to them at all when Xi returns. I smiled (knowing for sure that wasn't going to happen). And then Echo had an idea as well. She thought maybe she could just rally enough energy to simply stop listening to stories and play.

And that's what they did. 

At least long enough to reaffirm their love and joy in one another.

 

Related articles

Parenting With Empathy Course!

Empathy Delivery

There really is nothing like pure empathy, not sympathy, not "oh that happened to me once", not a pat on the shoulder, but an authentic understanding of your feelings. Empathy can change your emotional state completely, and it frees you to give empathy in return instead of fiercely defending and describing your own situation again and again. Real empathy isn't common, at least not yet, so chances are that a few of us could use some. So here goes,

I hereby declare a large dose of empathy for any and all:

• that have recently traveled with children across time zones
• that are afraid of drowning
• that get attached to characters from movies or tv and then those characters suffer something horrible 
• that keep waiting for their life to begin
• that face tangly hair
• that are tired of going to work
• that have started noticing wrinkles and don't like them
• that fret over summer plans
• that have parents that disapprove
• that want their belly to be trimmer
• that lost important community members this week

Empathy feels good, even (or especially)  when you are doing well and feeling good. Those feelings deserve an audience too.  So here’s to any and all:

• that watched a child ride their bike in the spring sun lately
• that have finally kicked the flu
• that see signs of spring
• that like their jobs
• that eat eggs from their own chickens
• that have a fat cat to sit on their lap
• that feel hopeful

Something missing from the list? Email me (natalie@feeleez.com) and I'll slip it in.

Want additional in-depth empathy? Join the Empathy Hotline and receive empathy from beautiful folks around the world.

Want an empathetic team mate to help you hammer out some changes? Grab this life coach.

Want to apply empathy to your family life? Join us for our parenting with empathy course, starting April 8th.

Related articles

Parenting With Empathy Course!

Q&A

Question:

Let's say we have a situation where a child has a strong emotional reaction at the prospect of an impending event - I'll pick going to the dentist (since I remember several of your posts on that topic).

The child doesn't want to go because (s)he is scared at the prospect, and you empathize with them about it - but you're still going. How do you avoid the child getting the impression, okay, she knows how I feel about this, but she's still making me go - ergo she doesn't really care? 

Or, one of the instances of the linked post - Xi not wanting to eat dinner at the store - you empathized with her, and explained your preference, and that was what happened that day (and Xi got on board) - so Xi had her her preference, and you had yours, and that time, you went with yours. So what is like, the 'hierarchy', or order, in which you honour the different preferences? 

Answer:

These are great questions.

I think the first thing to mention, and it's VERY important, is that empathy does not mean giving the child (or anyone for that matter) what they want. That's actually a big misunderstanding about parenting with empathy- that it is just permissiveness in disguise. Empathy is being fully there for the set of emotions - that's all. And quite often this empathy is "enough" to smooth most situations.

When heard completely, with empathy, kids don't feel uncared for even if circumstances don't go in their favor. Quite the contrary. They see and understand that their feelings about things are important EVEN IF events go against their wishes.

Let's say the child wants candy for breakfast. Mom says no. Kid still wants candy and mom still isn't going to give it, but mom CAN be with the child about their feelings. She can listen closely and explore all the depths of those feelings. There is so much connection available even if the candy isn't.

As far as a hierarchy of preferences go there certainly IS a hierarchy although it shifts all over the place depending on circumstances. As far as the eating at the grocery store example... my preference won out for sure. Xi didn't want to eat there and I gave her empathy for that, and explored the reasons why so that perhaps her preference could be tended to in a roundabout way. Specifically she didn't want to eat there because the last time she didn't enjoy her meal. So while I gave her empathy, and while we explored the reasons for her feelings, she naturally came to an idea of something she DID want to eat and thus was on board for the venture.

As the parent I was choosing to eat at the store for a variety of macro-view reasons. Though I cared about Xi's preference and had empathy for her feelings, I was also having some "pre-empathy" or insight into what the family as a whole needed. It was getting late and if we chose to eat at home we'd need to get there, unload the groceries, and prepare food - all of this would put the hour of eating and the hour of bedtime later than usual. I wanted to avoid this because I could see the girls were hungry and tired already. I wanted to avoid tears and sleep deprivation. I wanted to give them time to read stories before bed (something VERY important to them) and make sure they had a gentle transition to sleep. I also had empathy for myself in that I was hungry too and I also knew that eating at the store was the least stressful version of our evening.

So although it looked like a clear cut case of Xi's preference versus mine, my preference actually INCLUDED empathy for Xi as well. It also included empathy for Echo and Nathan too as they would be affected by the sequence of events as well.

In deciding whose preference gets honored these are the things I factor in -the logic of the preference with regard to time, the line-up of other tasks and pre-decided goals already in place, and the amount of stress involved. I also check to see if one preference is more "downstream" than another. Is it more work to move toward one preference or another?

That being said, empathy is a great checks and balance technique. If I settle in to giving my child empathy and through that realize that my preference is simply a preference and there isn't any solid, good reason to thwart the child's preference, then by all means we go with the child's. We use empathy this way constantly! We like to say "yes" as often as possible and empathy for the kids, and ourselves, let's us discern when one of us just needs our feelings recognized or when one preference should be embraced over another.

When one child asks if they can take a bath with their clothes on and my emotional state is screaming "no way!", empathy for my feelings and empathy for the child's feelings leads me, often, to see that there may not be any good reason not to bathe with clothes on, and my resistance is there simply because I am having disagreeable feelings (about something else usually).

I suppose the short answer is that empathy itself determines the hierarchy in many ways, and so does the common sense evaluation of the family's set of needs.

 

Want more? Nathan and I are running our parenting with empathy course: Parenting on the Same Team in April. Email me with questions! natalie(at)feeleez(dot)com

Related articles

Parenting With Empathy Course!

Empathy Delivery

There really is nothing like pure empathy, not sympathy, not "oh that happened to me once", not a pat on the shoulder, but an authentic understanding of your feelings. Empathy can change your emotional state completely, and it frees you to give empathy in return instead of fiercely defending and describing your own situation again and again. Real empathy isn't common, at least not yet, so chances are that a few of us could use some. So here goes,

I hereby declare a large dose of empathy for any and all:

• that thinks winter has gone on long enough
• that is wiping up muddy footprints and paw prints
• that misses their mother and father
• that feels their community is smaller than they'd like
• that doesn't know what's for dinner
• that has something "off" in their body
• that has a large stack of bills yet to be paid
• that was woken before their natural awakening 
• that wishes their spouse was different in one way (or several)
• that feels their heart cinching up when they notice their children getting older
• that is still thinking about what they want to be when they grow up
• that worry
• that are waiting for their body to make a baby
• that want to be thinner for their wedding
• that don't feel the way they want to

Empathy feels good, even (or especially)  when you are doing well and feeling good. Those feelings deserve an audience too.  So here’s to any and all:

• that LOVE someone in a real way
• that get to watch children grow
• that still have a grandma
• that feel optimistic
• that have a delicious plan
• that told the truth
• that checked some things off the to-do list that have been there a long time
• that have an animal friend
• that got cute new glasses
• that have a baby 

Something missing from the list? Email me (natalie@feeleez.com) and I'll slip it in.

Want additional in-depth empathy? Join the Empathy Hotline and receive empathy from beautiful folks around the world.

Want an empathetic team mate to help you hammer out some changes? Grab this life coach.

****

I love you all so much.

Surprise Redirection

As usual I accompanied Echo while she selected her outfit today. She reached for the pale blue velvet dress that she adores. The same dress that Xi wore and adored. The same dress that I despise, that every time the child chooses it I wish that I had slipped it into the Goodwill box years ago. It's just drab, and washed out, and makes the girls complexions appear sickly.

Of course I never say so.

Then Echo grabbed a long-sleeved lime green shirt to go under. Gasp. Not the color combo I would have veered toward.

Of course I said nothing.

Then she selected black and grey cheetah-print leggings. Gag.

I said not a word.

For the finishing touch she fished out a grey and green pin striped sweater vest. Woah.

But not a peep out of me. Instead I composed a neutral face and helped her slip it all on. This was not my favorite outfit but high up on my Most Important Rules Ever list is to not comment on my children's appearances. If they want me to celebrate with them as they twirl in delight at their ensemble I cheer right along, but I am not going to impose my own opinions on them, triggering a lifetime of concern over how others think they look.

But Echo had something to say. She admired her get up, smoothing the sweater vest over the velvet adoringly and said: Wow! This looks like an outfit a mama would wear!

Now hold up just a minute. A mama would wear that? Which mama... There is one particular mama that looms large in this child's world. Could she be talking about that mama? 

I immediately thought of the Empathy Hotline. The Feeleez team has assembled an Empathy Hotline group on Facebook so that folks can post a status and receive empathy for it from awesome people around the world. It's rad. My mind ran through some empathy seeking options:

My daughter picked a heinous outfit today. Ugh.

My daughter picked a heinous outfit today and thinks it's something that I would wear. I feel frumpy and unattractive.

My daughter has cute clothes in her drawer and never picks those. So frustrating!

My daughter picked out an outfit I would never wear. I'm feeling so inspired by her free will and personal style. I love it that she chooses what feels good to her.

The thing about seeking empathy is that it really requires you to decipher what it is you are actually feeling. Before I go seeking support for feeling like a frumpy pile of unattractive mom-ness I want to know for sure that that's what I actually feel. Before dear people from around the world sit with me and my feelings and echo them back I want to be sure that what I am hearing in response resonates. In this light the options clicked past fairly quickly and before I knew it I was loving the outfit Echo picked out, loving that her personal style is all her own. It seems that imagining getting empathy helped me land in the best-fitting emotional state.

And I didn't type a single word! I didn't even move toward the computer and already I was reaping the benefits of empathy.