Talk Feeleez

Recess Empathy

Man, a lot happens at recess. Well, probably a lot happens throughout the school day but I'm only there for drop-offs, pick-ups and recess so my view is skewed. But holy moly, it is by far the longest hour and a half I've ever experienced. And it isn't awful, not by any means. I love kids and being around them reminds me of the wonders of the world and how great everything is. Difficulty isn't what makes it seem so long, it's all that happens emotionally!

About a thousand hearts rip up and patch up during that little time span.

I've been continuing my Secret (but not so secret) Agent skills. I find that everywhere I turn there is an opportunity to stretch my empathy wings and though it isn't the norm to use empathy instead of consequences and logic in the school setting, it's certainly been working. What I'm finding is relief all the way around - for teachers as they see an upset child calm quickly and find resolution, for kids as they discover an emotional ally on the playing field, and for me because offering empathy is like giving myself a face massage, I can't help but feel relaxed by it.

Some examples:

(all names have been changed)

GAME CHANGE

Amanda: (crying loudly and largely) "SIDNEY WON'T PLAY MAMA AND BABY WITH ME AND I WANT TO PLAY WITH HER!!!!!!!!!!"

Sidney: "Well... I... changed my mind."

Amanda: "WAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

Temptation: The temptation here is to use logic. "Well honey, people change their minds. You change your mind about some things right? It makes sense that someone else would change their mind too right?" The idea is that if we can convince them that it doesn't make sense to be upset then they will cease to be upset. Have you ever experienced someone trying to talk you out of your feelings? It doesn't work.

Empathy response: "Oh darn Amanda. You were really looking forward to playing with Sidney huh? Are you bummed?"

Amanda: "Yes! Because she said she would play and now she's not!"

Me: "Right. You like playing with her so much."

Sidney: "Well I just changed my mind because I started playing this and it's really fun, so then I didn't want to play that other game."

Me: "Right. You got involved in something else and changed your mind."

(This is when that magical thing happens in response to empathy. The line between the two parties dissolves and they are no longer opponents. The adult, by not responding in a further polarizing manner, paves the way for something different to happen.)

Sidney: "I know! Amanda we could play mama and baby while I am still on the swings! That's a great idea!"

MISSING MOM

I've worked the recess circuit long enough now that I know that when the kids are called to line up Octavia will start missing her mom.

Me: "Octavia they called for us to line up. Get your mittens, it's time! Let's go!"

Octavia: "I can't. I just miss my mama."

She hunkers down, slumped in her coat, legs sprawled in the sand and showing no sign of going anywhere.

Temptation: The temptation here is to repeat myself ("it's time to line up, let's go, everyone is waiting, get your mittens...") and repeat the rules ("when they call out we have to line up, that's how this works). And the official teachers have something they do that involves counting to three. I don't know what happens after three. But what I have noticed is that these things often don't work. Octavia still sits in the sand longer that anyone wants, or Octavia reluctantly gets up and shuffles and groans slowly to line and drops her mittens two thousand times and refuses to hold her partner's hand and a million other irritating acts that slow down the entire process even further.

Empathy response: "Is it that time of day where you miss your mom?"

Octavia: "Yeah."

Me: "Darn it. You just love her so much don't ya. Recess ends and you think of her and then you just feel sad huh?"

Octavia: "Yeah."

Me: "She must be pretty great."

Octavia: "Yes! Her name is Jessica and she's brown-haired!"

While we are talking I am helping Octavia to her feet and she finds her mittens and she gets in line. By this time she is skipping as she tells me all about Jessica and her brown hair and why she's so nice.

MISSING OUT

At least one day a week after recess the older kids stay in the park and do P.E. There are a couple of younger kids that yearn to be part of this group.

Evie: "Do I get to be in P.E. today????"

Me: "Nope. I don't think so."

Evie: "Why not? I turned five!"

Temptation: The temptation here is to make up some good reasons why she isn't in P.E. (even though I don't really know why) and hope that if she's armed with some reasonable explanation she will no longer be upset.

Empathy response: "I know you turned five. You're all big now, and strong, it seems like you would be a perfect match for P.E. right?"

Evie:"Yeah. I want to do that. I don't want to get in line I want to stay for P.E."

Me: "Right. You definitely aren't in the P.E. group today. But I know you want to be. You really want to be, right? It looks really fun doesn't it."

Evie: "Yeah. I can run like that."

Me: "Yes you can. Bummer, huh?"

It's counter-intuitive, in a sense, to dive into the topic of something that is forbidden to the child. It seems like it would be even torturous to discuss P.E. and how fun it looks, but I find the child receives relief by looking into the topic deeply. Evie and I discussed all the thrilling-looking aspects of P.E. and why she'd be good at those things. Our conversation gave her a place to put her feelings, an outlet for her excitement and disappointment. She got in line, and though bummed to be missing out on an activity, she soon was chattering away excitedly about all of her mad physical skills.  

COATROOM SHOVING

When we make it back to school there is the coatroom chaos of many children taking off many many layers of puffy clothing.

Octavia: "Natalie? Allison pushed me!"

Temptation: The temptation here, of course, is to find the other allegedly offending kid and sort things out.

Empathy response: (I didn't see any pushing because I wasn't looking at the two of them, but luckily I don't have to be watching in order to give empathy for the feelings someone experiences when they believe they have been pushed.) "Oh shoot! You didn't like that feeling huh?"

Octavia: "No! I didn't!"

Then, relieved of her burden, she made her way to her coat hook and got down to the business of undressing. I thought the "incident" was over but when I turned around there was Allison, one little lump of puffiness in her full-body snowsuit, with a grave look on her face.

Allison: "Natalie?"

Me: "Yeah?"

Allison: "I didn't push Octavia."

Me: "Right. I was helping her with her feelings because she felt like she had been pushed, and that isn't a good feeling. But I was never upset with you. I understand that you didn't push her."

And she lit up with a huge smile, turned and went to her hook.

 

Can you imagine just how many emotional interactions a child has in a single school day? I can. And I can also imagine that most "behavior problems" are simply emotional responses to those interactions that go unaddressed and pop up later. Of course, these "behavioral problems" are typically handled,  in many schools, with consequences that match the behavior, but not as often with empathy that matches the feelings behind the behavior. There just aren't enough teachers, time, or room in the program to be able to offer empathy as much as the teachers might like or as much as the children might need.

Xi's school is pretty awesome and her teachers seem tuned-in to the emotional side of their students' worlds. But it's no wonder that so many kids get home from school and literally meltdown, or blow up, at the slightest upset. After-all they have just spent a minimum of eight hours experiencing challenging emotional interactions with little outlet for their resulting feelings.

 

Anyway... one step at a time. One little recess heartbreak at a time.

 

The Blue Ball

We have one of those yoga balls at our house. It's not as big as the one in this photo but its big enough for the girls to push it in front of them as they run, or sit on it and bounce, or launch themselves onto and off of it cowabunga style. They love the blue ball and when we have to be inside for months on end it's pretty awesome for them to have something like it to get out their physical energy. My sister and I had a similar ball at gramma's house when we were younger. It was a giant beach ball that we could use to transport ourselves from room to room in her single story house by laying on top of the huge thing and pushing along the walls. We loved our big ball too.

But as the parent? Sometimes I think I hate the blue ball. That sucker is at the epicenter of soooooo many fights. At night as a self-preservation method I hide it in the guest bedroom or deep in the girls' closet. But they're on to me now and when they get that blue ball hankering they go to the guest room to get the blue ball out of what I guess has become it's official storage spot. This morning, before the sun was up and with the clock counting down to the time we had to bundle up and get Xi to school- that period of maternal high-stress greater than that found in any board room in the country I'm sure, Echo grabbed the blue ball. 

I was like uh-uh.

If you read this blog you know I am empathy's biggest fan and use it as my main parenting technique. I crouch down, I discover underlying feelings and needs, I summon patience and wait. But all of that only works because Nathan and I have also established ourselves as captains of this family team. And sometimes, as captains and "the ones officially in charge" the answer to blue ball requests at 745am is hell-fucking-no. I didn't say it that way of course, although I would under certain circumstances, I instead explained that I didn't want the blue ball in the mix before school because I wanted them to focus on eating breakfast since we only had a little time before departing. But it wasn't a discussion, it was just how things were gonna be. Then Xi came downstairs and without any hesitation went straight into the guest room for the blue ball and I had to repeat myself.

Then after breakfast, with thirty seconds left on the before-school clock they went for the ball again and I added that breakfast priorities weren't the only reason blue ball was blacklisted, but that I also (maybe mostly) didn't want to take the time for fights and discussions at that juncture. Back into the guest room it went (guess I'll have to find a new hiding spot).

Writing this I remember when our house was smaller, one and a half bedrooms, with awkward doors opening into doors etc. Then there weren't any hiding places as the little house didn't even have a closet, so I wedged the blue ball next to the office/computer/art/homework table. But if it wasn't wedged that sucker would somehow follow a person around. I don't know if it was gravity or electric charge but it was darn creepy to see it inching along after you. It was always there. Boy, this blue ball and I have a history.

Anyway, blue ball winds up emerging from the guest room when I cook dinner. There is a silent bell that tolls that only my children hear and it means it's time for them to get really irritable, physical, and loud. The soundtrack to dinner prep. 

Now one way of handling this time period is to tell a different mental story than that last paragraph. oops. I do that whenever I can, but if I haven't and the irritation rises and the girls come to me with blue ball disputes this is how I handle it.

1. I panic. I forget that I don't have to have an answer and panic as they approach because I don't know who should have a turn or who had the last turn or who was having a turn but only took a break etc. 

2. I remember. I remember that I can listen and empathize and things will sort themselves out.

They approach and say "Mama will you help us?" and I say "Yes" but I don't do or say anything else. Then they loiter and fiddle and start telling me "what happened". Now this part actually isn't important in the end. The point is that they both want the blue ball and neither is happy with how things are going. But I never rush them through this part as it seems to be cathartic for them. I nod my head and say: "Oh yeah, totally!" and paraphrase: "Right you were just taking a break, you weren't finished with your turn. I get it.", making sure to do that with both girls so that the message is no one is "wrong", we're just listening to one another's experience.

3. I summarize. I say some encapsulating thing like: "Okay. So it sounds like you both are really enjoying the blue ball and you both want a turn huh?" They say yes and then they ask me what we should do and I throw it right back and say "yeah, what do we do guys?"

4. The poster. If there isn't any movement toward ideas or resolution at this point I, or one of the girls, will suggest the Feeleez poster. We trundle over and I stand there while each girl points to some characters that describe their feelings. I say "uh huh" a lot. And I just stand there as a witness. They just stand there for a while too.

5. I wait.

6. Poster round two. Often at this point, just seeing one another's feelings in plain view shifts the dynamic so much that one will jump up and down with a good idea, one that I would never have thought feasible, and they race off, back into the game. If this doesn't immediately happen I might ask a question like: "How would you guys rather be feeling?" and they point all over again.

7. Wait, witness, nod. I repeat my part, which really is so minimal that every time I think surely this won't work. And then it does. It does. AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN. They decide to scrap the game entirely, or one decides to give the other the turn, or the other has a brilliant new game idea, and they run off as friends again. There is something about the neutrality of the process and the chance to step into each other's shoes that dissolves the wall of antagonism.

8. I go back to making dinner.

 

It isn't rocket science. It isn't even particularly involved. And let's be honest, if it wasn't the blue ball it would be the magnetic paper doll's sparkly crown, or the yellow beluga. Thank goodness I don't have to know the answers. Just nod, empathize, rinse and repeat.

This Girl

I just wanted to take a moment to talk about this girl. She's eight, our middle girl, and I don't mention her nearly enough because when it's time to talk about struggle and how we handle meltdowns or defiance we talk about our four-year old, not Xi. Because Xi is easy. Easy doesn't make headlines.

But she deserves headlines! 

Or maybe it's the whole middle child thing, not the leading edge oldest or the cute baby, just there being herself in the midst of it all.

But lately I've been noticing this sweet girl and just swelling with love. What I notice is that when she is around things are easier. When she is at playgroup and the chatting mamas hear a scuffle starting in the other room we rest easy because Xi smooths things over all on her own. She's really remarkable. What is most striking is the empathy she can summon for her fellow friends and siblings. When one wants a baby doll that another is holding and tempers flare, she kneels down to their level and checks in with them. She asks them if they are sad or angry about wanting that baby. She says Oh that must be hard wanting that baby so bad huh? She pats their backs and sits with them, thinking over ideas and patiently waiting for the situation to shift.

And of course it works.

Feelings when heard so potently turn into mist. 

Xi can do this even when it's her own sister who is upset and she can even do it when that sister is upset about something Xi herself is doing. Echo will be screaming with rage and frustration and Xi calmly offers empathy. She doesn't defend herself, or get angry at the onslaught. She hears the feelings behind the words, and through this empathy either offers more empathy which alone shifts the situation or finds a way to meet the needs behind those feelings. Finding a way for Echo to be in the game without actually giving over the coveted game piece, for example.

I know she was born a compassionate, incredible human being to begin with, I don't want to undervalue that, but I also think she is able to empathize to such a degree because she has witnessed it in process as we parent her sisters, and she has experienced it herself as we have handled her feelings with care for eight years. 

This may be the best case for parenting with empathy yet. Because Xi has felt and seen the effects of empathy she goes there naturally. What this means is that she doesn't escalate conflict with a large reaction to any one person's actions or feelings, and she doesn't need an authority to take over so has no need to run and tell an adult. She handles it all independently and extraordinarily effectively.

What more could a parent want?

So just a little burst of love for this girl. I'd love her no matter what, but really she is amazing.

 

Toy Grabbing

Read your post from this morning and have a question for you regarding how you handle the sibling rivalry that you were describing.  My kids, 4.5 years and 1.5 years, pretty much fight all day long.  It’s really frustrating.  Basically every single situation plays itself out like this: Ella grabs toy from baby, baby screams bloody murder, I yell at Ella and demand that she gives it back, she cries hysterically and insists that SHE was playing with that toy (or was about to).  I’ve tried explaining a million ways that she just can’t keep snatching anything she wants from him, tried getting her to imagine how this makes him feel (sad, etc), punished her (usually sending her away by herself).  Yet it just KEEPS happening like CONSTANTLY every day.  I know kids fight and there is always sibling rivalry but this is seriously detracting from my enjoyment of being with my kids and makes me want to drive south and keep going until I reach Mexico (by myself, that is). I know you focus on the empathy approach but have you utilized that in a similar scenario and does it work?  I am at my wits end.  Curious to know your thinking on this one.

Yes this kind of thing, days like these when the kids are at each other, seemingly, without stopping, certainly make me want to run for the hills, (or Mexico) too. Fighting energy is hard to be around no matter who is doing the fighting.

To answer the question, yes I do employ empathy in scenarios like this one. Empathy is my main parenting strategy and I try to use it every single time there is any kind of outburst, dispute, or feeling of any kind.

But these are my specific thoughts for this scenario.

1. Empathy is not the tool for getting Ella to give the toy back. 

2. Empathy doesn't work alongside punishment.

3. What are Ella's underlying feelings and needs?

*******

1. Empathy is not a coercion method.

Empathy is not a means to get a child to do something. Very often compliance does happen, after receiving empathy a child loses most of their resistance and happily goes along with a parent's request. But this outcome is a bonus, not a given. Empathy given with the goal of eliciting a particular response is not true empathy. 

When I say empathy is my main strategy I mean that using empathy is the tool that helps me. It helps me find little windows of possibility, it helps me shift my perspective, usually the perspective of: I'm right, this child is wrong, and if they don't do what I want, I will lose my shit. Shifting my perspective allows me to find ways to help them through their tricky spots.

In the case of children fighting, or in this particular case of one child taking a toy from another empathy is perfect. As soon as the "altercation" occurs mom can step in and offer empathy (not request that one child have empathy for the other) for both kids. That's right, both kids. Although it seems there is an actor- the grabber, and a victim- the baby, it does not help matters to see things from this perspective. It is more helpful to see them simply as two people experiencing strong emotions. 

Giving empathy to both parties simultaneously is ideal.

For the baby: You are so sad huh? You weren't done with that toy. You didn't like it that she took that from you. Are you frustrated?

For Ella: Oh wow. You really wanted that toy huh? You wanted it so bad you were willing to just take it huh? Darn it. You're really having a hard time.

With love and kisses all around.

Offering empathy in this environment does two things. It honors the feelings present. This may not seem like a big deal on paper, but let me assure you it is everything. This is what most people want during tough times, more than anything else in the world they want to just simply be heard and recognized. The moment shifts completely when empathy is in place, the "combatants" switch from being antagonists to comrades, two people in pain.

It also models empathy. By showing the baby empathy Ella sees how it works. And by receiving empathy Ella sees how it feels. If this is her model, if this is how her parents handle things, then she will do so as well. 

2. Empathy and punishment.

Unfortunately a child that is wary of punishment coming down the pike will be more concerned with defending her actions, and excusing herself from culpability (and therefore punishment), than connecting with how her younger sibling feels. A child worried about what will happen to them won't even hear empathy, either toward them or the other child, and has no hope of employing it herself in the future.

At this young age there is very little separation for a child between what they are feeling and how they express that feeling. For example, feeling angry, and taking a toy are so closely linked in a child's mind that being punished for taking the toy is the same as being punished for being angry. Because of this, instead of learning to express empathy for other people, what is more likely is that a child that feels she has been punished for her feelings will want to punish others for their feelings. In this light a crying baby brother becomes not something to empathize with but to disdain.

There is a time and a place to talk about sharing toys. Giving Ella empathy does not mean that you agree with her methods. In our household all of the toys are shared, meaning no one owns any particular toy, and if a toy is not being used it is available to anyone that might like to play with it. We find this extremely helpful in combating a child's desire to protect what it "theirs" and to keep others from playing with it even if they themselves are playing with something else. This might be a policy worth exploring, but this exploration should take place away from the emotional situation, meaning after empathy and after  a child feels completely heard and understood.

3. Underlying need.

When a child repeatedly does something, especially something that has a negative outcome (ie; crying, punishment, etc.) this is a good sign that there are underlying feelings and needs that are going unaddressed. Ella most likely was not playing with that particular toy nor was she about  to play with that toy. So why then does she want to take it away from her sibling? What motive does she have and what does she get if she does this?

Mothers are the best at figuring out what might be happening emotionally for their children. If we look into ourselves and into the hearts of our dear children we are able to use our insight to figure out these mysteries. Without knowing the particular children in question, I can only guess. Maybe Ella is angry that her brother even exists. Maybe Ella is worried that her mom loves him more, and doesn't have as much time for her. Maybe Ella is concerned that babies aren't careful enough with toys.

There are many possibilities for underlying feelings. Once these are recognized a parent can address the underlying needs that accompany those feelings. Does she need reassurance about how toys are made, and that they are strong enough to withstand drooling babies? Does she need empathy for being an older sibling, for her whole world changing so dramatically? Does she need reminders that moms have enough love for all of their children?

When Ella yanks a toy perhaps mom gives her attention, albeit negative attention, does this give us a clue as to what she might need? When Ella is given time by herself after she yanks a toy she still yanks toys. My guess is that time away from her loved ones is not what she needs, and may even contribute to her doing something else offensive as another attempt to get what she needs.

Until the underlying need is met a parent can talk until they are blue in the face about sharing toys, can give ever more extreme punishments, can even give mountains of empathy about toy sharing, and nothing will happen except more toy yanking.

Empathy for the underlying feelings looks like this:

a. Are you having a hard time having a baby brother? It's different now that he is here isn't it. Are you sad that our family changed? (Need for empathy?)

b. Did you take that toy because you are worried he won't keep it safe? It's special to you isn't it. You want to be sure it stays in one piece. (Need for information?)

c. Are you upset that he is playing with the toys you like to play with? Are you worried that now that he is here and doing the things that you like to do, that I won't have time for you? Are you afraid that I won't have enough arms or love for both of you? (Need for reassurance?)

Addressing the needs behind these feelings looks like this:

a. More empathy: Our family is different now. Is that hard? Do you feel sad about that?

b. Information. I think this toy was built pretty tough. It's made for his age group so I'm pretty sure it will be okay. I'll keep an eye out as he plays with it to see if it looks like it's changing shape or losing any pieces. Let's have another toy ready just in case okay? That way if it looks like it isn't working out with this toy we can offer to trade him for another.

c. Reassurance. Did you know that when a mom has another child that her love grows too? I will never run out of love. I have waaaaay more than enough for both of you. Even if I give him love I still have mountains of love for you. Are you needing some extra loving from me today? 

******

On the surface we are all looking for ways to just make our kids stop fighting. We'd all like a simple phrase, a magic button, anything to just make it stop. But the surface is not where we must start. There is a whole world underneath, and that's where we need to start.

ps. If confounded as to what your child's particular underlying needs might be there is a handy list on the Center for Non-violent Communication's Website.

pps. If you'd like to talk with me and look together at what might be happening for you and your child, I am available.

Ups and Downs, you ask?

I've been asked lately about my relationship with Nathan.

"We'd love to hear more about your relationship with him, how the two of you use empathy with one another and how it differs from how you use it with the little ones and the day-to-day of how your partnership makes parenting easier or harder. We are interested in hearing about how the ups and downs of your adult relationship effects your relationship with your children"

I had to sit on this one for a couple of days and let my thoughts germinate. Nathan and I certainly use empathy, but unlike with the kids where my awareness has become attuned to flagging certain interactions so that I can describe them on the blog, examples of my partnership interactions haven't yet been requested, and thus have not been as meticulously studied.

But going to bed last night I realized I absolutely can track empathy with Nathan, in fact, although we didn't know it at the time, this very concept formed the basis of our union from the very beginning. We met when Nathan already was a father, and then a few months later he became a father once again, as Xi's mother gave birth over the summer. We were friends, and we talked, sooooo much. About everything but really focusing on relationships. At other times in my life I have talked about relationships with men, but because I was already in a relationship with them while we were talking, I didn't exactly listen that well. Instead the words would somehow morph as the man spoke, becoming exactly what I wanted to hear by the time they reached my ears. But I was just Nathan's friend at first, an enthralled friend, and therefore I could hear what he was saying. And he could hear what I was saying.

By the time we became more than friends there was an understanding in place that we were going to be exactly who we are, and as partners we were going to celebrate exactly who the other person was/is. There would be no attempts at changing one another.

That is empathy.

There is simple marriage-like empathy that happens I think in all unions as well. We always refill the water pitcher after using all the water so that the next person doesn't suffer from thirst while waiting for it to filter. Leaving notes, putting the toilet seat down. You get the picture.

As far as emotions and arguments go... on a good day we are textbook examples of two people using and enjoying the fruits of pure empathy.

Me: Nathan did I tell you? I totally blew it with the plane tickets. I waited too long to get the ones that we were looking at and now they aren't available. Urgh! I am so bummed. Feels really stressful.

Nathan: Oh man! Bummer! That sucks! Just one day made all that difference huh? 

Me: Yeah.

Nathan: Do you want me to take a look?

Me: No. I think I'll be able to figure it out but it still sucks.

Nathan: Totally.

There is an understanding in place that all we want is empathy. 

But I say "on a good day" because there are times when I say: Shit! The cat barfed in the closet again! I am sick of picking that disgusting stuff up! and I don't want to hear: No, I bet you don't. That's just the worst job, isn't it! In fact I don't want to hear anything. I want him to pick up the mother f-ing cat barf. On a good day I would simply ask for his help instead of receiving empathy and feeling resentful.

Also, I have to admit, that Nathan is better at this than I am. I do alright when he is having most feelings, at understanding them as simply emotions and being able to relate to them and offer empathy. But a funny (lame, unhelpful, irritating) thing happens to me when anger comes up, especially when that anger involves me or something I did. And I am even exaggerating when I say anger, because most often I read irritation, disappointment, frustration, if it involves me, erroneously as anger.

Under these circumstances I do not respond well.

Nathan: Hey! The smoothie is all gone?!

Me: (Immediately reading him as angry at me, and feeling defensive and maybe even mad myself) Yeah. Sorry, I didn't know you wanted any!

Nathan: Well that's the kind of thing you would know if you had bothered to ask me!

Me: ( heart racing, totally uncomfortable) I just figured you didn't since you had already eaten! I can easily make some more do you want more? (feeling like I am bowing and scraping at this point)

Nathan: No. I don't want you to DO anything. I'm just bummed that there isn't any smoothie left.

At this point I realize my mistake. He was simply feeling something about missing out on the smoothie. An emotion, nothing more. Switching to defensive/ fix it mode, is not the answer. Nathan's feelings, in most ways, have nothing to do with me.

Two things cause me to reach for defense and fixing.

1. There is something in my programming that makes me very fearful of someone being mad at me. I don't have to look very closely to see that I spent most of my young life doing whatever it took to not "be in trouble". Good manners, good grades, any attempt to make me a little invisible and out of wrath's path. My parents were gentle people, no spanking not even any yelling, so I can't blame them, this fear in me just is. And the fear makes me primal, takes me out of my rational emotional mind and sets me, like a rabbit, to fleeing or freezing. 

I can handle almost every other emotion, even if it is thrown directly in my face. But anything that resembles anger causes me to feel "in trouble" and takes all of my strength and will to face empathetically.

2. I have a subconscious residual belief that if I draw out empathy for someone that is angry about something I did then I am admitting culpability and guilt. To offer empathy, in this situation, is linked somewhere in my mind with making an apology.

In the smoothie situation there was resistance to find empathy for Nathan's feelings of disappointment because I saw them as anger which triggered response #1, and because I felt like I had done nothing wrong and had nothing to apologize for- response #2.

It requires my rational mind to remember that empathy is not an apology and my rational mind is not easily accessible when I feel frightened like a panicked rabbit.

On a good day the smoothie scenario would go like this:

Nathan: Hey! The smoothie is all gone?!

Me: Oh darn! Yes it is. Did you want some?

Nathan: Yes.

Me: Shit honey. That sucks!

How does empathy used with one another differ from that used with the children?

It doesn't. Nathan's feelings about a smoothie, or my feelings about plane tickets, are held just as carefully as Echo's feelings about the spilled milk on her dress. 

There is great benefit to this. At any given moment, in any corner of our home, the same "formula" is being applied. If Echo melts down in the bathroom with Nathan, I do not need to swoop in and "make things better", Papa's got in under control. He'll hold her, empathize, and together they will work things out. If Xi is angry at Bella, feeling mad that she is ignoring her game ideas, I might pause on the stairs waiting to see if they need my help finding their way, but often they do not. Bella tunes in to how that might feel for Xi and her empathy allows room to figure out a solution. The consistency brings sanity. We are all humans, with feelings, no one is to blame, and everyone can get their needs met.

How do the ups and downs of our adult relationship affect our relationship with the children?

Hmmm. When an "argument" goes well, with lots of empathy and conscious reactions, our kids see two people in conflict, yet with deep respect for one another and deep concern for all feelings involved. They see a good model for working things out, and learn to not fear disagreement. To witness parents feeling strongly and loving one another through it to a resolution, is to see two parents in love, standing strong and healthy. I think the effect of this is secure, emotionally healthy kids.

When things go awry and we lose our way temporarily, the kids don't like it. I don't either. The heart racing, primal, fearful reactions do not set me up to parent well. Because, of course, in the midst of a smoothie disagreement are children, asking for cups of water, needing to be held, making inquiries about why the trees lose their leaves, and it is exceedingly difficult to respond well while in a panicked state. 

But even these moments, where we slip away from empathy, are temporary, and because we don't hide these moments from our kids, instead plodding forward in plain view until we come to a place of understanding, our kids get resolution as well. Eventually we find our way back, back to hearing each other, back to the simple understanding of simple emotions, and with that return we get that incredible feeling of reunion, of relief and hope, even when something as stupid as a smoothie started it all. And our kids get splashed by that too.

For more on finding empathy in trying circumstances, look here and here.

Oh Crap, I mean... (insert empathy here).

Yesterday was the first day that Echo wasn't nearly comatose on the couch and I think she was experiencing that classic "Glad to Be Alive" feeling. She didn't say exactly that but during our little dog walk she did say the following:

This is a happy time of my life.

Seeing the grass and the sidewalk... what a pleasure.

Ah... how time flies.

I just kept my mouth shut, grinning from ear to ear, waiting for her next delightful expression.

But today? Not a "Glad to Be Alive" kind of day, no, more of the run of the mill kind, with its typical ups and downs. As I lie in bed with each girl tonight I ran through the day and my mind caught at each crying episode. There were many. But I realized that along with each of those episodes, trying though they were, I could also find huge doses of empathy. I figure it was the presence of that golden substance in those moments that made it so that the girls and I were lying together at the end of day in harmony, in connection, and in peace. Empathy made the difference between slumping into bed with regret and fatigue and snuggling up with friendship and trust.

The episodes of the day were:

Cereal

Echo: Mom, I'm hungry. I want granola.

Me: Oh, we don't have any anymore. You finished it yesterday. We need to get more.

Echo: (Squealing and crying) But Mom! I like granola and it's all I want!

 Me: Yeah. I know you do. We just don't have it.

Echo: Well then if I can't have that I'll have Honey Cheery Nut O's.

Me: (Internal dialog: Uh oh.) Oh darn. We don't have those either. 

Echo: (uncontrollable crying)

Me: (Internal dialog: Crap. What the heck is this about?!) Oh man you're so sad about that. You really had a particular breakfast in mind. Are you so disappointed?

Echo: (crying) Yeah!

Me: (Back rubbing, holding) Darn.

Echo: Mom? Actually I don't want breakfast. Can I pretend to be your dog?

***

Gymnastics

Me: Echo, I know we talked about you and Papa going to gymnastics this morning but I didn't know he had an appointment. It looks like tomorrow will be a better day for that.

Echo: No Mama! I wanted to go today! That was the plan! I haven't gone in a long time! (crying)

Me: ( Internal dialog: Oh shit. I blew this one.) I know. I didn't have all of the information. I'm sorry girl.

Echo: Well you and me could go while Papa has his appointment?

Me: Well I wasn't really planning on going. I don't want to go.

Echo: But Mom! (crying) How 'bout you and me go today and Papa and I go tomorrow?

Me: We're not going to gymnastics today love.

Echo: (sobbing)  

Me: You are having really strong feelings about that huh? You really wanted to go. Oh man you are sad. So sad. (holding)

Echo: Yeah. It's just been such a long time. (crying)

Me: (Internal dialog: I wonder if she's ready for a solution/suggestion... here goes.) Should I set the living room up gymnastics style? Would you like me to set up something like gymnastics here?

Echo: Yeah! That's a great idea!!!

***

Cereal

Now, just to be clear, I walked into this scenario like a huge f-ing fool. The girls were having fun retrieving things from the grocery list as a team and putting them in the cart. In a moment of distraction I sent them off to pick out a cereal. What was I thinking??? For one, cereal is a dumb choice for breakfast but somehow we've been going for that anyway. Secondly, cereal is expensive, and you have to have a degree in math and eyes like a hawk in order to pick out a box that is even slightly economical and not chock-full of sugar. Thirdly, cereal is marketed to kids. So every box that has the most sugar, the least amount of product, the most expensive price tag, and the cutest cartoon character is at the perfect eye level for kids.

Xi: How 'bout this one Nallie?

Me: (Internal dialog: Oh crap. What was I thinking? I should have surreptitiously slipped the Mesa Sunrise bulk bag into the cart.) Umm... well... it's a really small box, Bella doesn't like that flavor, and it has a lot of sugar. How about something else?

Xi: How about this? 

Me: Well.. it's peanut butter flavor. And sugary. And a small box. And six dollars...

Xi: How about this?

Me: (Internal dialog: Shit. Someone kill me now. We are never getting out of this cereal aisle.) Um... well... still sugary... also small...

After three hundred and fifty exchanges like this we are squatted down in the aisle and I am rubbing her back. Nathan visits us, exasperated by our incredible delay and I give him the list so at least one of us is moving forward. Echo is running her distraction routine of subtly kicking Xi and pulling on my arms. I am offering a lecture on home economics and how spending a gazillion dollars on something that isn't even good for kids in the first place is not something that makes sense. And Xi is crying.

Me: This is hard huh. All of these colorful boxes that look so yummy and I keep saying no. I'm sorry Xi. It was unfair to send you into this decision when it isn't even one I am letting you make. Are you frustrated?

Xi: Yeah. (crumpling into my shoulder)

Me: I bet.

Eventually I pulled out several "approved" choices so that she didn't have to keep remembering my preferences (Rice Chex, Corn Chex, Cheerios, puffs of any kind, Raisin Bran, blah, blah, blah) while being wooed by the likes of Clifford the Big Red Dog and cute rain forest animals, and together we made a train of possibilities.

She picked the hippy version of Corn Chex. Phew.

***

Dinner

Xi: Nallie, please say we aren't going to eat dinner here at the store!

Me: Yeah we are going to eat here. I am starving.

Xi: No I don't want to! I just want to go home! And I don't like any of the food they have here. I just want to go home.

Me: (Internal dialog: Shit.) What are you interested in at home?

Xi: (crying) Nothing. I just want to be there!

Me: (Internal dialog: Too bad!) I hear you. You want to be home. You've wanted that since I picked you up at school but instead we've been running all over town.

Xi: (crying but snuggling) Yeah. I don't want to be here anymore.

Me: The thing is, when we shop at this time of night I really like to eat here because the last thing I want to do when we get home is hurry up and make dinner before its time for bed. You guys all get to relax and play but if we haven't eaten yet I don't get to do that. Instead of playing and hanging out with you I am hustling to make food for everyone.

Xi: Oh.

Me: But aside from that I still hear you. You are tired of being here and want to go home.

Xi: (brightening) Well I do like salad! I could get that if we eat here!

***

Each and every time one of the girls is upset, crying, or generally moving in a direction I do not want to go, my emotional mind says: Run! Blame! Swear! Force them anyway! Too bad! but then my rational mind says: That's the long way home. Take the short cut, use empathy. It works every time. There is an internal battle every time and sometimes I veer down the wrong path but when I u-turn or make a quick detour up a side path to empathy I never regret it. Sure, I spent fifteen minutes in the cereal aisle tonight but the other options were so dismal. Xi picked the healthy economical cereal with her dignity intact, with an ally at her side, and with the knowledge that I cared about what she thinks and feels. That's worth fifteen minutes.

In the end, when they are upset, no one cares what the reasons are behind a disagreeable situation. Echo could care less why we weren't going to gymnastics, she was simply sad that we weren't. Xi didn't care about nutrition and economics too much- the reasons why I wouldn't let her pick Sugar Sugar Berry Krisp, she was simply frustrated that her choices were turned down. 

We can talk until we are blue in the face rationalizing why our children can't have what they want but we will get nowhere.

Acknowledgement. It's pretty big for being so small. But no matter the size, I am grateful for it. Empathy gives me happier kids.

 

An Epic Response to a Classic Question

I follow your blog and have learned tons about parenting with empathy and I am getting stuck on a particular knee-jerk habit that comes from my childhood: punishment. I have a feisty 2.5 yr old son. We have a special dynamic because I have a serious temper. The scene you described with yanking your daughters out of the stroller is very familiar to me. It happens every other day or so. I am seeing a therapist about it, because I know it is abusive, and I am trying my hardest to learn different skills for responding when I feel provoked. i.e. things feel out of control for me. The type of punishment that I want to ask about isn't this rageful reaction, it's the: you were throwing a hard toy and I explained why you shouldn't so I am going to take it away from you. Punishment disguised as natural consequences. But they're not, because they are choices I make about him, his toys, etc. With my son, it seems pretty clear that he has learned to do exactly what I've made clear I don't want him to do. Somehow, I trained him to get my attention through aggravating actions: screaming at the table, throwing hard toys, absolutely refusing to let me put clothes on him, etc. I've created an adversarial relationship with him already! And in the moment it happens, I have the urge to do something, to take the toy, to leave the table, to say, "OK, then we're not going out", which I HATE, because I know that I'm keeping the dynamic going somehow. I guess my problem is not really with punishment, it's how to get back to the sense that he and I are a team, to change the dynamic such that he isn't trying to piss me off all the time. I know it's something I'm doing, I just don't know what it is. OK: it's obvious that this doesn't fall under any neat topic. I know the magic word is empathy, but how do you have empathy with their desire to provoke? "I can see that you really want to make me mad??" Can't be.. "I can tell that you really want my attention." This doesn't at all work with the refusal to get dressed. Which may not actually have anything to do with provoking me, but may just be a frustration with being handled. Well, if any of this brings anything up in you, I'd love a response.

This question is actually a HUGE one that touches on so, so, much. My mind has been spinning for a few days as I think of all of the things that I'd like to say in response. Here goes.

I hear you saying that:

• you love your boy.
• things aren't working.
• you suspect you have responsibility for the current dynamic.
• you want certain behaviors to shift.
• you want connection, a sense that you are on the same team.

So let's look at each one.

You love your boy. This is a fantastic place to start. The love that you feel will carry you through a million interactions, it will inspire you to seek help when things aren't going as well as you'd like, to dig deeper than you ever have before with anyone else in your life. This love means that your son is lucky and that there is fertile ground for a healthy relationship between the two of you.

Things aren't working. No, they aren't. And it sounds so frustrating, tiring, and infuriating. This is not how you want your relationship to proceed. This is not how you want your environment to feel.

You suspect you have responsibility for the current dynamic. And you are right! Although children come with unique and complex personalities, parents are in charge of the emotional and logistical atmosphere in the home. We always have to be the "bigger person" and we can count on our children to provide a reflection of how our actions and thoughts are either working or not working.

You want certain behaviors to shift. Screaming at the table, throwing hard toys, and refusing to get dressed are not working for you. This brings us to the issue of obedience. It is clear from your comment that you do not like your current method of "natural consequences", mostly because there is nothing natural about them, as they are not from naturally occurring phenomenon in his environment, but from his mother. And I agree with you, a natural consequence is feeling cold because you chose not to wear your coat. Yanking a hard toy away because it was thrown is not a natural consequence, it is the consequence of breaking a rule, one not made by mother nature, but by an authority figure.

That being said I can understand wanting a rule about throwing hard toys, or rules about anything for that matter. Children bring so much chaos (so much!) into a parent's life that it is understandable to want to guide things along, making certain actions unacceptable and placing a premium on doing what mom (or dad) says. The problem is that it doesn't work, not to mention that it wreaks havoc on your connection (the next item on your wish list).

When you want him to do, (or not do), something and he is resisting, consider the following:

- It seems counter-intuitive but to have more control you must let go of control. With fewer rules to resist, children resist less. Many of us have created numerous and senseless regulations that are needless. If your boy is resisting the "rules", one option is to rethink your list of "don'ts" and see which can be loosened, and which can be tossed completely.

- Use NO sparingly. This word is most potent when used only in critical moments, such as immediate safety situations. Watering it down by automatically using it at every turn renders it useless. And even if your answer is negative there are ways to frame it so that  there is less friction to brace against.

Yes, I will be able to read you a story, but I want to brush my teeth first. (Instead of: No, not right now.)

That's a possibility. Let me think about what our next steps might be and I'll let you know how we can fit a trip to the park into our day. (Instead of: Well, we have a lot to do today, probably not.)

Yes, I hear that you want to go to the library very badly. I'm not sure we have time today but I know it's important to you and I will work to make that happen as soon as possible. (Instead of: No, not today.)

- Use empathy as a way to teach empathy. "Good" behavior or obedience, can be achieved by encouraging empathic behavior. A child that can recognize feelings as they occur for others automatically considers how their choices are contributing to those feelings. This often results in actions that we have come to consider "polite" or "proper". A child that recognizes another's pain and feels bad for bumping into them will naturally apologize. An enforced Say your sorry! isn't necessary. When given the information that Aunt Flo feels sad when kids chase her cat, an empathic child will, more likely than not, stop chasing the cat. A rule that declares NO CAT CHASING! isn't required. The most effective way to develop empathy in children is to treat them with empathy. 

In your case, you are right, "I can see that you really want to make me mad??" and "I can tell that you really want my attention.", won't work. The first makes an assumption which is unfounded, the second seems a bit abstract for the circumstance of getting dressed. Empathy can be as simple as: 

You are mad, huh?

You don't want to get dressed. You want to keep doing what you are doing, and you'd rather I stop bothering you? 

You're screaming. Are you frustrated?

But more importantly, empathy from a parent is a stance, a frame through which to view your child. It is not something to say and then force the pants on anyway. It is not something to say and then continue ignoring their request for attention. It is not something to say while yanking a toy away. It is not a way to get them to do something they do not want to do. It is a way for you to show them that what they want is noticed, that what they feel is important to you, that their needs and interests are valued. 

What does this have to do with behaviors? Everything. If you give your boy genuine empathy for his emotional state then he will never get to the point where he has to do anything aggravating to get your attention, to be understood, or to have his needs considered.

- Look for the underlying need behind the action. When a child is driven toward a particular action, and especially when they won't stop doing that action, even when you have asked them not to, there is a very good chance that a strong need is their motivation. Look and listen closely, open your mind to strange possibilities and you just might be able to offer information and an alternative solution that meets that need.

I see that you're banging that hammer on the wall... I am concerned about making marks. Are you wanting to fix something and be helpful? Hmmm. Can I set you up with the work bench outside? (Underlying need: purpose, effectiveness, or creativity)

Honey, I asked you to stay out of that tree. It isn't strong enough to hold you. Are you wanting a challenge? Shall we go to the park where you can climb that dragon's tower? ( Meeting the underlying need of: freedom or competence)

Please stop hitting your sister. She doesn't like it and is getting angry. Do you want her attention? Can I help you find a way to get that in a different way? (Meeting the underlying need of: love, to be seen, or companionship)

A complete list of needs can be found here.

- Offer as much information as possible. Disobedience is often due to a lack of understanding, something easily remedied when the parent is willing to take time to explain. We often have very good reasons for asking our children to do something, or to stop doing something, but don't share them. Providing information allows children to see the thought process behind our decisions.

Tommy that stroller was built for a baby doll so I'm pretty sure it can't hold you. Will you climb out of there?

Elizabeth, I notice that the cat is putting her ears back and swishing her tail. I think that means she doesn't like the way you are petting her. Will you try something else?

- Respect children as human beings and treat them accordingly. Children are not pets to be directed with barks and commands. They aren't even yours, they are theirs. They have their own opinions, thoughts and desires and recognizing this will go a long way in getting them to do anything. 

You want connection, a sense that you are on the same team. From my perspective the greatest hurdle to a connection with your son is your perspective. You do not see the two of you as a team,  you see him as an adversary, a person that is "trying to piss me off", that has a built-in "desire to provoke", and chooses "aggravating actions" in order to get your attention. You cannot have connection with someone standing on the opposing riverbank. You, the parent, have to cross over. 

- Empathy is one way to do this. Real empathy as mentioned above, the willingness to put yourself in his shoes.

He is screaming at you not because he wants to bother you, this is not an innate motivation in humans, but because he wants you. You are his end all, be all, and he wants to feel your gaze. This does not mean that you must drop everything you are doing and stare at him every minute of every day, but it does mean that when he indicates a need for your attention, you give him some. Attention seeking, by the way, has gotten a bad rap in recent "parenting theory". It is not, as some would describe it, manipulative. It is survival. Babies and children need their caretakers to fully notice them and their needs or else they will perish. Literally. So be careful about how you see attention seeking, give yourself freely and liberally, and he may not need to scream to get it.

My daughter would rather stay naked than anything else in the world. Getting clothes on that girl is a daily issue. I have to twist my head into her way of thinking time and time again to find empathy, and not become so frustrated that I shout ultimatums or shove her chubby legs into pant holes. 

- A simplified life is another. 

A time crunch is death to a mother/child relationship. When we are in a hurry we do things we wouldn't otherwise do, like shoving our children into car seats, making promises we can't keep, bribing, yelling, dismissing, name-calling. These actions do not create or maintain connection. If we can avoid hurrying we are doing a great service to our children. 

This means literally scheduling less. Days in which you do not leave the house. Days in which there is no need to get dressed. It also means doing less even when we are home. Fewer dishes, fewer loads of laundry, fewer baths, fewer phone calls, fewer t.v. shows. With a schedule like this it seems nothing will ever get done, and perhaps it all takes longer, but without tantrums, crying, and screaming matches, a whole lot more becomes possible. But that is beside the point, connection blossoms under these conditions. Shoving aside a pile of laundry in order to hold each other is worth it.

- Demoting obedience is another.

It's hard to nurture a connection with a raging dictator. Demanding strict, unquestioning obedience is a great way to drive a wedge between two people. When in doubt about any parenting choices, a good reality check is to ask yourself if the considered course of action strengthens your relationship with your child or weakens it. If you always err on the side of strengthening the relationship there will not only be less need to look for or demand obedience, there will also be a sturdy relationship in place to weather any of life's storms.

- Intentional time together is another. 

One hour each day in which you do nothing but focus on your child works wonders for connection. One hour simply tuning in to them and their world without answering the phone, or making lists, or anything else and there will be no way to remain on opposite banks of the river.

There are more ways to connect, specific to each child and each mother. More include:

 

- Being present...taking breaths in the moment, noticing what is happening for the child without saying anything, just keenly observing.

- Asking kid for help with cooking, raking, problem solving, etc.

- Sleeping together as a family.

    

Anyone want to add some more?

 

 

I hope this helps. Let me know...

 

I Used Self-empathy and I'm Still In Danger of Lashing Out At My kids

 

A couple of posts ago I mentioned an incident in which, in my opinion, I totally blew it with the girls, yanking them by the arms, out of the stroller and, in general, scaring the pants off of them. I deeply regret this action and hope to use self-empathy better in the future so I do not repeat acts like that.  

    

 Self-empathy is basically talking to yourself, even if it is silent, about what is going on emotionally inside you. It means recognizing what you are feeling and simply noticing it, and maybe naming it. To give yourself self-empathy you take a moment, check in with yourself, and reflect.

    

Oh my god! I am so MAD right now! Argh. I just feel pissed off about that. I  had everything all set to go and now it's all ruined...

    

or

    

Gosh. I  feel so sad. So sad. I thought things were going to work out differently and they didn't, and now I feel so desperate and defeated. Sigh...

It seems too simple but, like when empathy is used with others, it has a miraculous effect. It's like poking a tiny vent hole into an almost bursting balloon. Self-empathy inserts a little breathing room into the situation, allowing you to see your daughter, son, or the actual moment as something separate from your feelings. 

    

But sadly there are times when self-empathy doesn't work, doesn't work well enough, or I don't use it well enough, and I am still in danger of taking my feelings out on my children.

    

When self-empathy doesn't work, I:

    

- notice what position my face is in and then try to smooth it out (wrinkled forehead, clenched teeth).

    

- pay close attention to what is actually happening, like listening to what Echo is saying, or what the weather is like, or what music is on, anything that will draw me out of myself/feelings and into the moment. (Again not to avoid them, but to lessen their distractive power.)

    

- text Kris or Nathan so that they can give me quick empathy in response. For example: "stuck on sidewalk outside grocery store for 25 minutes now. Echo won't get in stroller. Ugh." and then they can respond with: "crap!" or, "darn it"

    

- change things dramatically- like turning up the music or switching it to something crazy, treating the girls to a surprise, making pancakes for dinner, anything that will shift things, make everything feel different and at the same time be fun/weird in a good way, for the kids

    

- after kids are asleep review with Nathan.

    

- if I can, I make sure to avoid triggering circumstances. For example:

• bring water + snacks (for all of us) everywhere we go in case I am stuck somewhere negotiating with a toddler. 
• Pee when I have the opportunity so that I am not physically uncomfortable.
• Schedule very few things each day so that I am never in a hurry.

    

Again, these are not methods to avoid feelings, they are ways to keep me from harming my relationship with my children, a way to let off a little pressure so that I do not mistreat them.

    

Having a community that knows how to give empathy, instead of solutions, advice, or their own personal stories, is incredibly helpful. If you do not have a friend that can do this for you, email me (natalie@feeleez.com) and I will share my phone number with you so that you can get an empathy text when you need one.

 

Cyber-empathy

My sister used this image in her blog today, used the title "In Pieces" and described her struggle with the day.

Today. I feel incompetent. Foolish. Behind. Anxious. Scared, maybe just Nervous. I feel mean. Cold. Angry. Biting. Today I do not like myself. My stupid boots. Shaggy pants. Limp hair. Taut mouth. Today my heart is in my stomach. And I didn’t poop. And my voice is weak. And I both yelled and cried on the street. Over nothing much actually. Just a little stress and a kink in the plan. How easily I was overcome. I didn’t put up a fight. Allowed the day to pass without joy. This poor Tuesday.
I prefer hard days to be well earned.
Tomorrow.

She lives far away, nine hours by car. At this point it might as well be on the other side of the Earth in terms of being able to physically see her, but she mentions things that make me curious, like "shaggy pants" and "stupid boots", little descriptions without a description that make me want to knock on her door and ask a million questions. Is she talking about dog hair? Is that why her pants are shaggy? Is it the Dansko boots she thinks are stupid? Because I've always thought those were just the cutest things ever...

But of course I can't knock on her door, in fact she didn't even answer her phone tonight, in truth she seldom does even on a fantastic day, and it doesn't matter what I think anyway. If you aren't feeling right, if your dial is turned to Shitty, then no boot is going to appear attractive, or useful, or good in any way, and reassurance by an outside body isn't helpful. I think my sister is the bees-knees, the yummiest, funniest, feels-good-to-my-soul lady in town, but that opinion is simply trivia, simply an opinion. An irrelevant one.

Solutions suck too. Recommendations and practical suggestions, blech.

So do stories that start with Oh, I had a day like that yesterday... or, Yeah, I've been totally PMSing too... Even if offers of chocolate and female camaraderie are made, hearing someone else's troubles when you can barely see through the veil of your own is no kind of balm.

She feels bad. Mean. Tired. Angry. Biting. Nervous. Anxious. Incompetent. Cold. Scared. Foolish. 

And I love her for spreading it out like that, for not couching it. For not worrying about our reaction to that kind of display so much that a watering down is necessary, or a platitude. Or two. 

I love honesty.

She's doing us a favor really, by revealing in this way. Of course I don't want her to feel horrible, would love her with empathy in person if I could. I guess cyber-empathy might look something like:

:( 

or:

Dang.

or:

Crap. That totally sucks.

And that might help. But in any case it's okay if it doesn't, I certainly don't need her to change. Feelings are feelings and by the time she sifts through them all and returns to the top of the pile they will have changed of their own accord. 

 

 

 

Did I ever Mention This?

This is my girl today. Eyes ablaze, striking first, screaming second, pissed.

My logical, solution-seeking brain wants to know why? I scan through the last twenty-four hours. Did she get enough sleep? Food? What the bleep is wrong? Eventually I come to my senses, it doesn't matter. I feed her all the time and we strive for as much sleep as possible. There aren't days where I let sleep slide, or forget to offer nutrients, so even if I found a culprit to blame there still wouldn't be anything to do differently in terms of physical needs.

After flailing about in this direction, I remember that I can still address emotional needs and quickly pull out empathy and information.

Empathy: Oh Echo. I see you're really upset, really mad.

Information: When you scream at Bella like that she turns away from you and doesn't want to play. Can I help you talk to her and figure out a solution?

I use my face to show understanding, I make myself physically available in case a hug or snuggle is desired, and I keep listening, searching for deeper feelings that can be empathized with. This is our formula and it works. It is time-consuming, at least in the moment, (although I'd argue that time-outs, threats and bribes take more time out of your life in the long-term), and quite verbal, but our children thrive under this system.

That being said, I'm not sure I've ever mentioned the fact that I also use physical restraint. Today, empathy is reaching Echo's ears, but not before she lands a few blows. Once I caught wind of her fierce temperament this morning I have been quick to slide my body between hers and her adversary. When the safety of others is involved I follow the same formula, while gently but firmly holding Echo in my arms.

Empathy: Oh Echo. You're really mad. You want to hit her, huh? Oh you're sad too? You wanted to play with that toy and she picked it up before you had a chance.

Information: You want me to let you go so that you can hit her and scratch her? Well, I think I'm going to continue holding you so that your sister stays safe. When you hit her she feels mad and probably won't give you the toy. Do you want help figuring something else out?

It's a safety clause but you have to be very mindful when you use it. It's tempting to convince yourself that you are keeping others safe when in reality you are looking for ways to justify controlling your child's movements. It's better for your relationship to assume the best and be mistaken than to continuously and thoughtlessly jump in and use restraint. In addition, blocking a blow to spare another child harm is very different from grabbing an arm as an expression of your own anger. Empathic restraint is a short-term, temporary measure to protect others, the real, effective work is being done by your words, expression, and empathy.