Talk Feeleez

Thrashing and Flailing

Nathan and I got in a fight yesterday. Well, I'm calling it that but it wasn't very "fighty". In fact, I mention it because it wasn't a typical spat.

The subject doesn't matter much. It was about household management stuff. We were in bright moods, doing stuff around the house, and then I was triggered by a particular topic. It's my tender household topic, the one I can despair over. I have been known to pile up a bunch of frustration about it and then, although trying to address it neutrally, lash out in a generalized and scathing way. I haven't done this pile-up-lash-out routine in a while because it feels terrible and I have found that focusing on what I do like about Nathan's care of our home goes a whole lot further than maintaining a mental list of the other stuff.

So from that frame of mind I casually mentioned something. 

And then, in response to his response, I fell, right into the rabbit hole of frustration and lost my shit.

Darn.

I said it wasn't a typical spat, and me losing my shit about a household management issue sounds pretty darn typical, so how does that work? Well, Nathan's response wasn't typical. He listened to my "casual mentioning" and then offered the advice "of focusing on what I do like", yes the very advice I have been giving myself with wild success. But I really didn't like it when I heard it from his mouth because from where I was, deep in the rabbit hole, what I heard him say was: "Well, too bad. Deal with it."

So I fumed and avoided eye contact. When he asked I said I was UPSET in a punishing kind of way. I raised my voice. I used the F-word. Typical, typical, typical.

But Nathan didn't respond defensively. He didn't get mad back at me. 

I huffed and puffed, actually trying to develop some more upsetting examples and stories in my mind so as to keep my anger fueled, to keep me "right" and him "wrong". I was also half-aware that these stories, if I was able to get them going well, weren't going to aid me. I knew they would only make things worse, deepen the trench between my partner and I, make reconciliation or solutions impossible. But what really stopped me from a full-blown mental narrative in which I tallied up all the ways I was "right" is that Nathan wasn't actually fighting me about anything.

When two people go at it, throwing generalizations at one another, exaggerating past instances, spitting words, the fight quickly shifts focus. Instead of discussing the issue you end up arguing the other's tactics in the fight itself.

Common phrases I can think of are: 

I can't believe you just said that!

No I don't do it ALL THE TIME. Fuck you for saying that because it isn't true!

Are you going to let me speak???

Why are you even yelling? 

This is crazy!

etc etc etc

We weren't doing any of that, so I couldn't really drum up further ire. All I had was the original ire caused by Nathan's comment - the one I thought meant "too bad, deal with it". Looking back I know he was trying to be helpful, meaning he was hoping to help me with my feelings about the household issue. And I hated that response because I didn't want help with my feelings I wanted him to do something about the household issue! I assumed he was saying "Deal with it, I'm not going to change" because he wasn't jumping to fix things. What he was doing instead was giving me empathy for my hard feelings. His face was open and kind, his words were gentle. I hated it!

Or at least I thought I hated it. My anger spiked. That's when I started fuming and using the F-word. 

Now if you had asked me yesterday if in this situation I would prefer my partner to jump up and immediately address the household issue or offer me empathy about my struggles with the household issue I would have shrieked with confidence: JUMP UP AND ADDRESS! JUMP UP AND ADDRESS! But now I am not so certain. If he had jumped up and addressed the household issue in some way or other, I would think that the solution to hard feelings is Nathan doing something different.

That is a slippery slope my friends.

Let's repeat, if Nathan had tried to help me with my hard feelings by trying to fix them then I would be lulled into the notion that other people doing what I want is the answer to my difficult feelings and that, furthermore I will only find relief from my hard feelings if people do the things I think they should do, all the time.

Instead he didn't fix a thing. At the time I thought, "The fucking nerve!" and I was pissed. And then he didn't fight back and I couldn't get my anger any bigger. Then I bonked into his comment again, realizing the crux of the issue. My anger deflated. When he asked me if I wanted to talk about it more I said: "Well, no. Because I realize that mostly I just want you to be different. In this one area I want you to be different. And I know that won't do. So then I am just left not liking how you handle this household issue and that... just... feels... so.... hard."

My anger had gone. I was limp shouldered and sad. I saw him as someone who could hold me in my sadness. 

My tantrum was over.

NPR has an article out right now: What's Behind A Temper Tantrum? Scientists Deconstruct The Screams. Scientists studied the kicks and screams of tantrums to find that they follow a pattern of sorts, an intricate one of anger winding around sadness. But the part that stood out for me was:

The trick in getting a tantrum to end as soon as possible, Potegal said, was to get the child past the peaks of anger. Once the child was past being angry, what was left was sadness, and sad children reach out for comfort. The quickest way past the anger, the scientists said, was to do nothing. Of course, that isn't easy for parents or caregivers to do.

It's true. It's hard to do nothing - no fixing, no arguing, like Nathan did for me - because the child seems to get even angrier! In fact when later I thanked Nathan for his response to me he mentioned that he wasn't sure if it had helped. I had gotten so angry. And he's right, I did. But what I experienced was a spike that sputtered out into nothing in a matter of minutes. My "tantrum" was short-lived and clean, meaning no further emotional damage was caused- we didn't insult one another or hurt one another.

Anyone that has seen a child's tantrum in full effect knows that further damage is a common side affect. And trying to find the "right" socks or the "right" ninja sword when a child is in a full-blown tantrum never works. You can "fix" all you like but all you end up doing is prolonging the anger. If you argue that there are no other possible socks to try or that there is only one f-ing ninja sword in the house, you again prolong the agony, fuel the fire. But if you just say "things aren't working out for you huh" they thrash about in the light of that truth, maybe even flail and thrash ever more wildly, but without longevity. In seconds they are a crumpled lump, willing, maybe even yearning to crawl into your lap for solace.

It wasn't with excitement that I realized the science of children's tantrums could be applied to me. And it wasn't with delight that I realized Nathan's comment was just what I needed. (Oh the thrashing and flailing!)

But oh well. 

A General Approach To Unhappiness and Conflict

An internet friend sent me a question the other day. Without going into details she let me know that some things were "off" in her home and in her relationship with her husband. They weren't seeing eye to eye and some of their connection had been slipping. I made up examples and gave her a macro-view of some things I thought she might find useful.

Then I thought others might find some use for them too. Here they are.


1. When you feel yourself getting emotional you can give yourself self-empathy. This is an internal little note to yourself, something like: "wow, I am super pissed right now" that allows for just the teeniest bit of emotional space. The extra space gives you room to wiggle around a bit and choose a different response. I find that just recognizing my feeling for a split second let's out enough steam so that I am thinking/feeling a little more clearly and don't respond automatically in my usual pattern.

2. When someone says something or does something upsetting, be it friend, husband, or son, say nothing for a full thirty seconds. Just watch your thoughts and feelings but say nothing for a beat. 

3. Go ahead and say something out loud. Something very simple. "I am so frustrated right now!" Just start there. Say it and wait. Let your family know or your husband know, but own it for yourself. Don't say it and then wait for them to do something differently. Say it and enjoy the tiny bit of peace that comes from there. If you can square your mind enough to then make a neutral non-blaming response do that. "I am so frustrated right now. I am feeling frazzled about dinner, are you guys willing to wrestle in the bedroom instead?" (Instead of: "Come on you guys! I'm trying to get this done so we can eat! You're driving me crazy! I mean really could you be more underfoot than you are right now????")

4. Feel the feeling and then stop. Do not make up a story about anything. Feel frustrated about chaos during dinner. Feel the feeling, make a request if possible, then drop it. Do not start a dialog in your head. For instance: "Those guys are always doing that! Argh! I swear. I am slaving away, they make a bunch of disturbance and then my husband wonders why dinner is late. Well HE is the problem. Every night the same thing. Maybe I'll just dump this meal in the trash and he can fend for himself. Fuck him." Can you see how this inner dialog makes matters worse? Can you see how the thoughts we attach to feelings are more detrimental than the feeling itself?

5. Make a conscious decision to choose thoughts (and therefore feelings) that feel good. Make it your intention to look for things/moments/ideas that you enjoy and spend time "juicing" those for better feelings. Give little or no attention to any thing/thought/or idea that causes pain, fear, turmoil, etc.

 

As for your husband...

A lot of husbands respond well to the Alfie Kohn DVD about Unconditional Parenting. He doesn't have to read anything and Alfie is so darn convincing. BUT if he doesn't want to be convinced and isn't open to teaming up parenting-wise then you have to leave him alone.

Completely accept him for who he is.

But that doesn't mean you can't do something.

1. Find empathy for him and express it. If you have to remind yourself of his upbringing, or his hard day at work, or his scratchy throat to find empathy, do that. I find it easiest to take a macro-view of my partner and try to see him as an anonymous human being who is struggling, rather than someone who is "doing it wrong". So when things get heated up between your husband and your son, look on with empathy for them both. If given the chance respond with empathy to your husband no matter what the situation may be. If he is tired and doesn't want to play, instead of internally complaining about him or cataloging the reasons why he should play anyway just say something like: "Yeah, you are so tired. It's hard to come home to this amount of energy huh?" A funny thing happens, when a person has no need to defend themselves they lose resistance. As soon as you empathize with him for his position he will most likely immediately loosen that position.

Now to be clear, empathy does not mean that you agree. As you find empathy for your husband and his strong feelings and express that empathy it does not mean that you condone his responses or want him to continue responding in that way. Does this make sense? When he punishes your son, you can have empathy for his feelings of anger and frustration. This does not mean that you "stand united" with regard to that particular punishment(or whatever the issue may be).

2. Choose the perspective from which you see your husband. Make an intention to notice what you like and "lower the volume" on the parts that are bugging you. By focusing on the less-pleasing parts (by discussing them with friends, by making mental lists, by comparing him to other husbands) you are making that version of him your reality. The more you give attention to these parts the more concrete they become until that is the only version you will see. 

Instead make mental note of what you do like, even if you have to spend time replaying happy memories, or even if it is simply noticing how nicely he cuts his nails. Decide to notice these things and only these things. Do this for a concentrated period of time, without "falling off the wagon", no matter what he does or says, and you will perceive more of the version of him that you enjoy. He will also sense the accepting, empathetic version of you that sees him in a kind light and move toward it, he will match you.

3. When you are away from him imagine him as you would like him to be. Imagine very specific scenarios - the sight of him walking in the front door, how he scoops up your son, how he is smiling. Imagine as many details as you can that make the story convincing. Do this mental picturing when you are away from him so that your "reality" cannot contradict your story. It is easier to imagine an ideal version when not distracted by the current version. Do this frequently, when falling asleep, when running errands, anytime. Do this WITHOUT listing the parts you don't like, just imagine what you'd prefer.

Then once you have this story in place, think of anything that makes you happy. The idea is that once we are clear about what we want, it will come to us if we manage to maintain a happy, positive state of mind. So tell the story, get it clear in your head, and then (because your husband might not be the thought that brings you happiness at this current moment) think of your son's eyes, or fuzzy kittens, or an organic incredible meal, whatever is potent enough to turn your mind away and bring you better feelings.

**BUT** this will only work if you actually want the new story to be your real story. If you have already convinced yourself that you don't want co-parenting and marriage to work out then the new story won't stick. Recently during a phone consult a woman and I set up a new story about her husband and then it hit her - she didn't actually want to be with him, even if his best version started showing up regularly. Something to think about.

This post is really a general outline, but it's a place to start. We have way more power over our daily reality than we think.

For help applying these ideas to your specific scene let's make an appointment. I'd love to talk.

The Most Difficult Diet of My Life

Wow, seems like 2011 is getting a bad rap. When I scroll down through Facebook there are a lot of status updates giving the middle finger to last year. I feel funny about this. It feels a little like giving the finger to a rainbow, or clouds, or your kindergarten teacher - a little profane. I guess I think of Time as being part of the metaphysical, magical, universe world, like God or something. I guess some people flip off God, but just as many others fear he'll smite them down for such an act, so that's not a good example. I don't know what it is, it just seems to me that we shouldn't piss off things that are bigger than us, or maybe it's more that I'm wary of being anything other than grateful for the armload of "stuff" we are handed. 

Also...

Even though I am as superstitious as the next guy, and even find myself excited about the new year because I like the numbers that make it up, I know that numbers on a calendar do not make a life good, bad, better or worse. I actually really loved 2011 and I know for sure why it turned out well. It was the very first year that I got serious about purposely thinking good thoughts. 

We all think we are thinking positively, but then we get on the phone with our sister and describe the big pile of dog shit we stepped in this morning. We imagine that we are maintaining a positive outlook in our life, and then make a mental list of all the things that are not working for us the first opportunity that pops up. What I am getting at is that every moment counts, so even if you manage to have a good morning full of rosy thoughts and feelings but then fall into a tail spin once you get to work and stoke your inner crabby for the rest of the day, the overall total of positivity drops. 

My life in 2011 was wonderful because I stayed on top of things emotionally. If I started to feel a little funky I turned my mind toward thoughts that felt better. Sometimes I had to literally crank my face away from the irritating or sad thoughts, they have an incredible nostalgic and dramatic draw. Sometimes I wanted to languish in my lower feelings, moan to my friends, pine or regret or wallow. And when I felt justified in having those feelings it was incredibly hard to emotionally walk away. But I had a higher goal for myself. I wanted to feel better and thus make a better life. So I couldn't afford to "go there" no matter how justified. And I had to do this every time.

The most difficult diet of my life. For sure.

But it got easier. At first I needed a mental image handy at all times so that I could turn from the thoughts that were luring me away and move toward thoughts that felt better. Like having an emergency apple in the car so that you don't swing by the gas station and grab a candy bar when hungry, I had a go-to image to fall into. At first there was a meadow involved and a white dress and dogs. Later there was a horse that I mentally stroked. Now it's automatic. Feeling good feels more normal than feeling bad. I followed this simple formula:

 

Tell the story I want.

Look for a happier thought.

Be happy and the rest of what I want will come.

 

I first wrote about this in this post, and have been talking about it ever since because the change has been profound. And okay, I am the first to admit that I am blessed. I get a lot of help from my family and friends. But here's the thing - many many people are as fortunate as I am yet manage to completely mess that up with ungratefulness, negativity, and stories of victim-hood. Many. So a "good life" is not guaranteed by being dealt a fair hand, it is instead built and maintained, thought by thought.

Anyway, you've heard this all before. I just wanted to say it again before 2011 took anymore blame for anyone else's thoughts, feelings, and choices. The truth is so much better than that! Just by pondering something warm and fuzzy instead of something dark and irritating we can bit by bit put together the exact life we want. No matter what the calender says.

My Average Story

New goal: be average.

I'm trying to lead an average life.

My life isn't really average at all of course. I am pretty darn awesome and fortunate and things are shiny and bright. 

BUT

I noticed something lately. Somehow or other I've gotten it into my head that in order to see myself as accomplished, or for others to see me that way, I need to achieve things by way of struggle. For some reason if it comes easily I don't value it as much and I assume others don't either. If it is effortless, it's nothing to "write home about", it's ho hum, it's average.

I blame my hometown for part of it. Santa Cruz is a complicated place and hard to describe but one thing I know is that there is a premium on Cool. Cool is everything. Each person of course has their own understanding of what is Cool, but nevertheless that whole town is aiming for that singular goal. So that's part of it I guess. I am always factoring in the outside view of my life. How Cool does it look from without? It is like I am telling my story as I'm living it. So, to grow up, make good money, drive a mini-van and raise kids? BORING plot. Decidedly un-cool.

BUT if I make good money by doing something admirable or chic? Not boring, maybe Cool.

If I drive a euro mini-van? Imported, definitely not American-made? Cool-er.

If I raise kids in some unorthodox, out of mainstream way like a farm or urban co-op and dress them in only hand-knit woolens? Cool-er.

As I look back on that last part I'm not totally convinced. Maybe everyone has a hometown pressure they feel. Maybe the place you went to high school, with it's magnifying glass that studies the coolness of everything - from a pair of earrings to locker placement, always sticks with a person. Who knows.

In any case these are just surface, cliche examples. None of them involve struggle. That is a deeper level I only recently discovered. I have the topical layer of living in a Cool fashion, and in my life's journey I have added the struggle layer. It looks like this:

If I make a lot of money after having NO MONEY that's an admirable and good story.

If I have a solid marriage even though we might face INCREDIBLE CHALLENGES that is really something.

If I build a fence completely on my own WITHOUT ANY HELP or carpentry skills, then it is a worthwhile tale.

The struggle part is in caps. Those are the parts I'd like to edit out. I want value in my life and for some godforsaken reason I've attached struggle to that value. WTF? Because it is a twisted mental maze of reasoning that got me to this point, the easiest way I can imagine to shortcut the struggle angle is to tell myself I am shooting for ordinary, average. If I am average maybe I'll just have money without having to build this dazzling tale of poverty leading up to the riches. If I am aiming for a run-of-the-mill life I could just build a fence and fricking love it that I got some help in the process.

See what I mean? If I remove the struggle-to-add-value angle what I have left over is just happiness and the achievement of my goals. Why have I made it so hard?

This is why I have been going on and on about stories. The ones we tell ourselves about our kids often are the basis of most of our struggles with them. But what about the ones we tell ourselves?

I have been telling myself this particular struggle/value story for a long, long time. 

If I travel to Cuba, ALL BY MYSELF, EVEN THOUGH I'M SCARED, that will be good.

If I move somewhere where I KNOW NOT A SOUL, that will be a hard growing experience, that will be good.

As I look back almost every decision I have made in my life involves going down the more difficult (and in my mind - value-worthy) road. Why???? Why not move somewhere where I know lots of people and surround myself with my favorite humans in the whole world? Why not travel with a friend instead? Why not make good money any ol' way that feels good to me? Why not aim for a marriage that is simply rewarding and loving, instead of rewarding despite?

Why not go easy on my self? No one is watching. No one cares. No one is keeping any sort of value tally other than myself.

So I am aiming for average. It was hard at first. I thought it meant a life of dullness. But then I tried it and it has been wonderful!!!! We went to a wedding and sat at a table of Nathan's theater friends. I started to search my brain for charming witticisms. I cast about for ways to dazzle them, to show them I am worthy of Nathan's partnership (since I'd never hung out with them before). I wanted to not be boring and I was certainly willing to struggle in order to prove myself so. Then I remembered!

To be average or ordinary meant I could just sit at the table and speak when it occurred to me to talk! To not be looking from that out-of-myself perspective of judgement meant that I could just people watch. To aim for average meant that I ran in the grass with Echo for most of the night. Liberation!

Aiming for average actually frees me up to be anything but average, of course. Achieving goals without struggle is praise-worthy indeed. But that's not the point. The point is is that I get to have the things I want without a side dish of difficulty. 

One side-effect that has taken some getting used to is that my stories are a bit more dull. I like telling stories. Stories about myself, stories to myself, stories about myself to others. It has been a fun thing in my life. But I think I want general happiness and achievement more than a rags to riches, triumph over struggle, kind of story. When I run into my girlfriends and I have nothing entertaining to say, instead of panicking and looking for some kind of you-won't-believe-this struggle-story I remember, and pat myself on the back. I'm going for average! If I have nothing to say it means I am simply living my life, living a happy life, and the only reason I don't have a tall tale to tell is because I am now circumventing the struggle side of my life.

And then there are times that I do have a struggle story but now I am using my mental strength to not tell it. For instance the hamster did actually die and I had a few paragraphs lined up about my direct involvement in her death, but I am not telling it. It may sound extreme to apply my new formula to a hamster but if I don't start there, with the small stuff, I'll lose track of my goal.

We create what we think. So if I think I have to struggle in order to get what I want, I will struggle. If I want what I want without a difficult trek to that peak I've got to start thinking differently, I've got to start telling a different story.

Last example. I built a fence with a double gate. I don't know if this sounds like a big deal to you but it's a big deal to me. Like traveling alone, carpentry is one of those things I wanted to be able to do but feared I wouldn't. It is daunting to me, incredibly daunting. But I wanted our gate. And I built that chicken coop a while back so I knew a gate might be within range. But really it involves a lot. Including digging two feet down in rocky rocky rocky soil for three sturdy posts, mixing cement, building square gates, hanging hinges, using power tools, AND in the end it had to function. Woah. 

As I was working I felt myself telling the tale. I've never built before! All I had to use was a handsaw! I have kids! Our soil has rocks bigger than my head! There are tree roots to contend with! We have a tight budget! It is cold and raining! I did it BY MYSELF! But, wait, I remembered. I don't want struggle. I am valuable without it. So when I hit a big tree root Nathan stepped in. He hacked and whacked and did a rock star job. Then I lied on my over-alls belly and scraped out the debris. When I just couldn't get a boulder out of a hole we took turns scraping and prying. When I propped up the second gate and the very bottom corner scraped against the other I almost crumpled in defeat. Then Nathan came home, analyzed the situation, and helped me see that if I adjusted the other gate, just so, it might just swing free. And it did.

I built a fence and two gates. They are sturdy and strong and rad. And I didn't do it by myself. And it's so wonderful. A perfectly ordinary extraordinary story. A happy life.

What is your worn out story? What would you like to tell instead?

Audio Stories and Inner Stories

Here is a typical day for Echo lately. She wakes up, puts on an audio story, and listens ALL DAY. I am not kidding, the girl does not stop. I yank her from her literary reverie to run errands at some point during the day and again in the evening for a river dip but other than that she is listening. She is hitting Pippi Longstocking and Bunnicula pretty hard, meaning five to six hours a day.

There are times when we can get her to use the headphones but not very often. She can't move about and they slip down so that means that I am listening to Pippi and Bunnicula all day every day as well.

Oh my bejeezus.

It's kind of hard. The same words. Again and again and again. Nathan leaves for work in the morning as Bunnicula rings through the house, and when he returns? You guessed it Bunnicula still rings through the house. Three CDs. On repeat. Woah. 

And it's kind of weird too. Like any parent I suffer from concern that my kid's latest idiosyncrasy might not be a phase after all and just might be a cause for concern. We all do this, for instance, turning our child's current sugar craving into a rabid fear of chemical dependency later in life. Our brains can take one thought, toss in a dash of fear, and before we know it a tale of woe and panic has been spun within seconds. 

Check your own thoughts right now. What fear do you hold for your child? It's there, in your mental story, and popping up in your daily life. My own father, with children in their thirties, can still weave a large fearful story from a small bit of regular life. My sister's car needs work done. He worries about her driving it. He wants to help her fix it- because he easily can - but then his brain spins a terrible story of a lifetime of rescuing his girls so much that they never learn to support themselves and die, even if not on the road from car failure, then later in life as dependent, un-savvy, failures. (I love you so much Dad)

We all tell ourselves stories that start with some little bit of daily life - heightened emotionality, sugar cravings, obsession with wearing only certain pieces of clothing, but get so large and scary in their future implications that we panic and want to "lay down the line" or fix things, or make the child simply stop doing whatever it is that they are doing that seems a little strange. 

Listening obsessively to audio books is not even that weird, certainly not even exactly unhealthy, but I still can spin this characteristic into a frightful tale. She's listening all day instead of playing outside in the sunshine. She even eats while she's listening, maybe that's not such a good habit to encourage. That's not good right? Like people who eat while watching TV and lose touch with their bodies and get fat. Am I indulging this too far? I am delivering snacks to her like she is a princess, maybe I'm teaching her that I'm her servant. That's not good. Why does she need these stories? Maybe if I just said no, she would get involved in other things, maybe she just needs me to "set limits"? Geez, am I just raising a kid that's going to stay inside all the time. She'll be an anti-social recluse. Oh no.

This is not a helpful story.

Instead I could trust. Her brain, quite apparently, is doing something with all of this audio information. She is feeding on it and giving herself what she needs. She doesn't question any part of it, it feels good to her brain muscles. It's her brain after all and she just might be the one person in the world who can give it what it needs. 

If I look closely at my story it falls apart. I remember that stories read aloud are incredibly good for a developing brain. In fact, some experts say that if you do nothing else for your child, read to them and they will succeed academically. But the thing is, we don't stop very often to shine a light on our scary stories. They remain hidden under the surface, lurking and pulling our puppet strings. On the outside we know we just don't feel good and therefore want to change something, or someone, in order to feel better.

One time Nathan and I were in a discussion kind of argument thing and I was mad or something and feeling very much in the right and that he had done something wrong and that the onus was entirely on him. And he said, "What story are you telling yourself that would make you assume that about me? Assume that I would have those intentions or would say something like that?" In that very moment I was a bit indignant, like Hey! You're the guy that needs to look at himself not me! I didn't do anything wrong. I didn't particularly want to look at my inner mind. But, surprisingly, I did. And lo and behold there was an entire unsavory story underneath there. A tale of martyrdom and suffering and overcare about what other people think of me.

Holy shit!

I had no idea it was even in there. I just knew I didn't feel good.

Now that I know it's in there I can shine a light on it and fry it to pieces. Because, guess what? It doesn't serve me! It makes me feel bad and I am pretty sure it has had negative repercussions throughout my entire life. Did you hear that? My entire life. 

You can make yourself crazy checking your thoughts for unsavory story lines so don't even bother. Just simply wait until you don't feel right. Wait until you are mad and want someone to do something differently so that you can feel better. Wait until your child does something weird, repetitively. Wait until you don't feel good, it's easy to notice those times. Then check for a story. I guarantee it's there. I also guarantee that not only is it full of holes, it is also doing you no good.

And just in case you are wondering, yes this blog post was written with Bunnicula roaring in my ears. I'm trying to turn it into a meditation, words so familiar they have become chant-like. 

And, also? Looking for a photo for this post I found this one.

I guess she does go outside. Hole number 42 in my story.

From the Inbox - Choosing Happiness Despite the Whining

 
From a recent email:

I just wanted to write to you about an issue that I've had trouble reconciling in my own mind.  It is the belief that I can choose to be happy.  I'm not sure if you can shed some light for me, but I'd really appreciate your opinion.
 
I know that a baby's cry is meant to produce anxiety in those who hear it, especially in attentive parents.  It is a baby's way of saying, I have a need and it is imperative that you respond to it now!  And I'd venture to say that as a child grows older, those cries turn into whines.  (In Australia we say whinges.)  An older child's needs might be expressed in a variety of ways, but an unmet need is usually expressed with actions or sounds that are uncomfortable for the parent to see or hear.  And that's a good thing!  It means that the parent is immediately aware that something is wrong with her child.
 
Are you with me so far?
 
I totally get what you've said in a number of ways on your blog about not needing to do anything about those expressions of need.  Sometimes just being there and available is enough.  Like your example of few days ago when you were making trips back and forth to the van as your daughters were fighting.  But despite not doing anything, you absolutely had to have been affected by their actions.  Were you?  Or were you able instead to suppress the anxiety that those actions were designed to produce?
 
I'm also conscious of authenticity.  I do not want my five year old to pretend to be happy or polite or well-socialised.  I want him to be five.  I want him to tell me how he really feels.  But when his actions/words/feelings are mostly negative, it is very tempting to tell him that I don't want to hear it anymore.  I want to focus on the positive.
 
As I've said before, I completed the Circle of Security course, which teaches parents how to effectively respond to their children's needs.  I'm just having so much trouble remaining happy within myself whilst at the same time responding to my children's whines.  I so often feel if I breathe and instead turn my attention to the beautiful weather, that I'm somehow stepping off the Circle.
 
I want so badly to be happy.  I want it more than anything.  And I feel like I am usually a very happy person.  But, throughout the day, when I've been bombarded with complaints, aggression, and lack of cooperation, it is REALLY hard to stay happy.

 

My answer:

The short answer is that YES I am affected by the sounds my children make. The sounds they make while fighting, or even when they are about to fight, make my heart race and my armpits sweat. My face grimaces and everything takes on a dark and gloomy hue. I despair. Sometimes the sounds Echo makes when she is dissatisfied or bored or tired push my internal annoyance button and I flash red. And if I am already bothered by something, practically any request from my children, whether in a whiny tone or not, makes my feelings spike so sharply that I want to bite their heads off at the neck.

Absolutely.

In the case of the fighting in the van, the sounds they were making were very upsetting, especially at the end of a hot day with work yet to get done. But the sounds they were making were not directed at me. They didn't actually need or want anything from me so it made sense for me to step away and turn my focus toward pleasing thoughts and images. I was not "stepping off the circle" I was stepping toward better feelings, knowing that in doing so if they needed my help later I would be better equipped to deal. 

That being said there are times when my girls are making sounds that are displeasing when they do need my help, and in fact are directing those very sounds into my face. And it's hard. Harder, of course than when they are making those sounds to one another. 

My response is many-fold. I stay there of course, holding and listening. And when I feel myself getting pulled in, when I can feel my emotions rising and the sweat prickling, I remember: My state of emotions is, or can be, separate from what is happening. It sounds like mental voodoo, and it is. It literally is choosing to step into a stout belief that my happiness is within my own power. I imagine two worlds. One is my state of emotions directly inspired by my thoughts. The other is everything that is actually happening. And there is a thin film that separates the two. When I believe my belief the film is impenetrable. When I doubt it, or don't want to believe it, the film disintegrates and I am at the complete mercy of circumstances.

So when Echo is whining and tugging at me and discontent, I remember that my feelings need have nothing to do with hers. I listen and empathize but I leave the film in place. I maintain my world of emotions while addressing hers. It is remarkably helpful to consider the two worlds as separate because otherwise my outlook is desperate. When she is whining and I allow myself to link her behavior with how I feel, I imagine a day of extreme difficulty. I imagine constant fighting, and screaming at the market, and no chores or work getting done, and no hope for peace, and a day that stretches interminably onward. These thoughts leave me almost incapable of "being there" for Echo. I am so annoyed that I could scream myself. I am so mad at her for "ruinning" my day that I don't want to give her even a second of my time. 

But if I leave the film in place she can do/be/say anything she likes. I pull a piece of my mind out and breathe and think of something pleasant. I emotionally multi-task. I need not cry, scream, and whine in order for her to feel supported by me. I can simply listen and troubleshoot and hold, and all the while part of my mind is noticing the breeze and remembering the good news I just heard or anything else that feels good. Echo is not the director of my feelings. She has her own and if I take care of mine I am better equipped to help her with hers.

Authenticity is not an issue. It is precisely because I am noticing my feelings that I can even think to turn my thoughts elsewhere. I am not suppressing a single thing. I am training myself to be so well tuned to my emotions that when they move in a direction I do not enjoy I see them, wave at them, notice them, and then turn my thoughts, so that I can feel better. I genuinely feel, I purposely think, and I genuinely feel. Again and again and again all day, every day.

But back to the whining child scenario. There are practical considerations. When Echo is making sounds (I use her as an example because she is younger and thus making those particularly cringeful sounds more often than the other girls) that I don't like and I am earnestly trying to maintain the film between our two emotional worlds but still struggling, I simply ask her to talk to me differently. Now let's be careful here. I do not ask her to feel differently. I do not ask her to be different. I make every effort I can to indicate that I am simply struggling a bit and need her help. It looks something like this: Echo sweet love, I see you're really upset. I am going to help you. I am here and I will help you. But I am having a hard time with the way you are talking to me. WIll you please switch to a different tone?

 I avoid:

• Calm down.
• Shushhhhh 
• It's okay. It's okay.
• Stop whining.

I make no judgement of what tone she is using I just ask for a different one. Lately I've been particlarly annoyed when she asks me to do something by demanding in a whiny tone. I say: Echo I like to be asked. I don't want to do anything for you when you talk to me like that. And she says: I'm just sad! That's why I am talking like that! And I say: Be sad! Definitely be sad. That's fine, but if you want me to do something will you be sad at the same time as switching to a softer tone and asking instead of demanding? It just feels so much better to me.

Sometimes there is the practical matter of not being able to understand her when she's whining. So again I make no judgement of her feelings I simply ask her to speak in a way I can understand. I see you're super upset. You're really mad, huh? Will you talk differently so that I can understand what you are saying. I have no idea what words you are saying. 

When a child has a negative perspective I can understand the desire to tell them you don't want to hear it anymore, that you are focusing on the positive. This is possible, in a matter of speaking, by become less of an audience, less of a satisfying audience. Instead of saying I don't want to hear it, make yourself more boring to tell. Imagine that friend that always calls to share bad news, now imagine how much less that friend would call if you were a poor "bad news receiver". If you responded with positive spins on all of the things she called to relate, or if you didn't engage as actively as normal, she wouldn't want to relate those things anymore. It wouldn't be as fun or satisfying for her. You can do this with your kids too. After separating your child's feelings from a general negative perspective or negative re-telling of the day, you can become a less engaging audience in that regard. 

But more importantly, EDUCATE. All of the things that you are learning about creating your own reality, managing your own happiness despite circumstances, can be explained to your children as well. Describe how a woe-is-me outlook more often than not creates more woe. Last night, without any prompting from me, Echo declared: Mom! I thought of a lot of good things and now my knee feels better! There used to be a scrape but then I thought of having a pony and my grandpa and swimming in the river with Elliott and now, look! There is almost no scrape at all! It is never to early to teach the power of thought and it's effect on everything - from skinned knees to feelings.

Also, if you find that your children, friends, and neighbors are constantly bringing their dire perspective to you, that is a good indicator that you are still having negative thoughts yourself. Like attracts like. So use this as a friendly reminder to turn your thoughts. Again.

You can make yourself crazy trying to watch your thoughts but luckily feelings follow those thoughts. It's easier to recognize that you don't feel well and turn your thoughts than it is to watch every thought. 

When I first began to consciously direct my thoughts I went through a fairly serious mourning period. When I felt myself becoming sad or discontent I remembered my task, to think of something else, but I was so bummed because that meant I wouldn't feel sad anymore. I had to mourn those feelings. I had grown to enjoy my morose moods, in a way. I liked crying and moping and blaming. I liked feeling bad. The problem is that I couldn't feel good at the same time and I couldn't attract/create good things for me and my family while feeling bad. 

So at first it was an act of mental strength to turn from the well-worn and comforting path of sadness and discontent. I had to forcibly jam new thoughts into my head. But the thing is, is that those thoughts worked. I became happier. I no longer was bummed I didn't go down that trusty sad path because I was too busy feeling good.

It still is a mental exercise, a challenge to my strength to purposely turn toward good thoughts when my world isn't behaving the way I'd like. But it's getting much easier. In fact I am so accustomed to feeling better now that when my mood swerves I notice immediately. I can even track it back to the very thought that caused the swerve. I notice right away and because of that there is less effort needed to get me back on track. Whereas before I was thinking my way all the way from the back pasture to the road, now I only have to think myself off the shoulder of the road and back to the center line. 

If you want happiness, think yourself toward it. Parent with your eyes trained toward it. Expect it and don't let anyone, even your child's craziest antics or loudest screams, yank you away from it. It's entirely up to you.

The Down-low From My Brain

Oh lordy. Where to begin?

Maybe a run-on sentence. Maybe a cloud of images to bring you up to date. 

Or maybe I start right where I am. Hmn. Decisions.

Right now: Hair wet from the river, where I floated with my littlest girl. Kitten (on loan) in my lap. Strawberry banana smoothie at my side. Happy Feet, for weekly movie night, playing on the small screen we pull out of the closet. Two wettish dogs passed out at my feet. Summer simmering outside the window. 

Last week: Cherries, salads, and peaches, at every turn, as well as 5 huge yogurt tubs full of blackberries from Emily's own alley. Sister talk for days straight, while enjoying top-rate bluegrass and a view of Mount Hood, and while selling killer Filly dresses and Fairy Food to happy beautiful people. Two trips to a naked beach on the river where our girls ran, threw mud, danced, and laughed themselves silly. Late night talks and giggles with perhaps my three favorite people on the face of the planet, including a wild square dance jag where I laughed so hard I thought I might turn inside out, or fall. Kombucha on tap and served by really stoned guys that liked to fill up our 32 ounce jars for just three bucks. Sisters running wild and dirty and falling into sleeping bags like crumpled, and again dirty rag dolls. A horse who let me rub it's neck and ears so thoroughly that it's eyes bugged out and it released several very unhorse-like groans. Smiles and twinkly eyes from my partner. Very aunt-like antics (morning biscuit buying, talk about boys, hula hoop tricks, and gifts) from my sister that elevated her, if it's even possible, ever higher in my girls' esteem. And if that weren't stupendous enough, brace yourselves ladies... my sister, the clothing designer of incredibly comfortable and flattering clothes, said these words: Hey Nat. Since we have time, I want to go through my clothes and see if there is anything I am done wearing to see if you want it. And then she piled a tall stack of clothes into my arms that all fit and are all extra cute.

Pretty rad.

It's really been a series of rad days after another I swear. Partly it's summer, partly it's my fortune in the company I get to keep, and partly I just have been seeing things that way lately, through the lens of abundance and gratitude, and thus everything spins itself into radness.

I know it's cliche to say that we all choose our happiness (or unhappiness), that no matter the circumstances we can simply choose to feel good. Maybe it's not cliche, maybe it's just easy to apply when things are going well, but difficult to apply when things aren't. But I just keep noticing that it's true. The better I feel, the better things turn out for me. 

While at the music festival I lost the van key. Gulp. A single key, not on a key chain. A new-fangled electronic type, not just the call-the-locksmith kind of key. And then? I lost the OTHER van key. It slipped from it's "safe" holding spot in my pocket through a hole in the bottom. Oops. It happened while on the way back from the van, which was parked in a far field, across the entire festival. An entire meadow (and then some) of dry summer grass. I have to say that the phrase "a needle in a haystack" did come to mind. I cried. And I looked. And I checked the lost and found. And I cried. And I walked back and forth and back and forth in the hot sun looking at dry grass and hoping for a little black key.

Nothing.

Oh, and I looked at all the happy people swaying to the tunes and thought "those people have their car keys. No wonder they're happy." Oh, and I also imagined spending all of the money I was earning at the festival on a tow truck or a fancy locksmith, or both. 

In other words I was working myself into a pretty sad dither of victim-hood and misery. Do I have to say that I didn't find the key while in that state?

At some point, much too far along in my pity party I hate to admit, I realized that I was strolling. On a farm of pristine beauty. By myself. No kids chattering, no heavy bags on my shoulder. No tasks at hand. (What? I thought I was in the pits of misery? What is this new perspective?) If you took a snapshot of my actual reality it was pretty fucking good. Even with the missing key. So I returned to our booth/tent/hangout headquarters and I changed my clothes. I took off the pants with the infamous hole and I slipped on a white dress and little shoes and I drank water and I put lotion on and took a moment to love myself and see where I was. I simply made a choice to think and feel differently.

The key was still missing but I wasn't.

Then, from a giggly moment with my sister and sun on my neck I decided that I would simply check the lost and found again, but that this time I would find the key.

And I did.

I don't mean to get too harpy about this line of thinking but, good golly, the benefits are enormous.

I can even apply it to my children. There were times this past week when I was super fucking pissed with Echo because she kept hitting her sisters and deliberately messing up their scene. She did it again and again and again and just kept doing it no matter what anyone did or said. I wanted to lament and complain and point out her lameness with Nathan and Emily. I wanted to roll my eyes or pin her down or throw some kind of consequence at her. But I didn't. 

Instead I turned away.

I turned away and I remembered the scent of her hair. And the squeeze of her little arms. And how cute she is running with a towel flapping behind her. And how smart she is and the clever things she says and her way-beyond-her-age theories. I remembered how kind and gentle she is and how much she adores her sisters. I remembered that she just learned to color for real and likes the combo of dark pink and turquoise. 

And she was different. I saw her differently and she was different from that view. She still demanded to have her feet right in the middle of the book Bella was at that very moment reading. And she still launched her body on Xi while Xi was eating dinner. But not as much. And in any case I was coming from a different place and that place allowed for more patience, more ingenuity and more energy no matter what Echo came up with.

I would say that most of our parenting happens when we are not actually parenting. All of the millions of thoughts that go through our minds - about ourselves, our thigh size, our paycheck, our latest irritating conversation with a friend, our fears, our failures- factor in. Those thoughts are right there when our kids do something. We think it is the something that is bothering us, or the particular terrible age of our child, or the child itself. But that is bullshit.

Imagine how you would parent in any given moment if the thoughts you were having leading up to that moment were friendly.

It is actually possible to feel better, to feel good, happy, fulfilled no matter how many van keys are missing or how lame your child is acting. My happiness can actually be independent of these things, even independent of even worse things.

So that's the down-low from my brain. Fruit, beloved folk, summer, and a positive perspective.

xo

ps. The other van key? When I got up the next morning I stood and stretched before leaving the tent and my big toe rounded over a small lump. Pinned between the tent and the ground tarp. The other key. Two needles in an enormous haystack.

Sing It

I think Bobby McPherrin had it right.

Okay it's too simplified, cheesy and totally eighties but Don't Worry Be Happy is making a lot of sense to me these days.

Here is a little song I wrote 
You might want to sing it note for note 
Don't worry be happy 
In every life we have some trouble 
When you worry you make it double 
Don't worry, be happy...... 

There are theories out there for basically anything you wish to believe. On this blog and on Nathan's we've been looking at beliefs about sugar. There is a theory that sugar does not mess with your system, causing it to rush and crash. There are actual studies about this. So today Echo ate 12 mini tootsie rolls. I didn't expect a meltdown and so there wasn't. Read the article if you're thinking I'm crazy right about now. But that's what I mean, it might feel crazy to you, and so you can choose to look at another theory that says things that don't make you feel crazy. 

For me, learning that sugar may not be something that I have a right to majorly over control in our household felt good. I love trusting my kids when it comes to their bodies. I love letting go off the prison warden role. I love trusting that if I don't stand in her way, or make sugar evermore enticing by keeping it out of her hands, that Echo will be able to recognize when she's had too much, or when she doesn't actually want any at all. I didn't love watching her unwrap and eat 12 tootsie rolls, but this is day two trying out this new theory and I bet the amount she is interested in will dramatically change once I've gotten out of the way. In fact the bag sat on the counter, she could have scooped up tootsie number 13, but she didn't. She didn't want anymore, of her own accord.

But sugar is a tangent. The point is that there are theories galore in this world, some that make you want to bury your head in the sand, some that make you laugh, and some that make you want to kill someone. If you want to believe something there are studies that will back you up. I like feeling good, so I've been reaching for more theories that lead me in that direction.

One such theory is that the Universe always says yes, no matter the question. Like Bobby's song says, if you put worry out there, you will get worry back. You say: Worry? and the Universe says: Yes! You say: My kids will have a sugar rush right? and the Universe says: Yes!

But not only does the Universe say Yes!, it also says: Why do you keep asking the same question?

The Universe doesn't forget what has already been asked. Accordingly, it is a waste of time to keep asking, clarifying, and reiterating that, for instance, I want a greater income, a fresh load of wood chips for the driveway, and farmland in Santa Cruz county. Asking and asking in prayers and visions is pointless. According to this theory I've already asked, and the Universe has already granted. 

So far so good, right, but what about the "granted" part.

Apparently the thing that actually brings your desires to fruition is feeling good. If you want to get hippie about it, the idea is to raise ones frequency. Get good vibes going. I naively translated this as, okay if I want wood chips for the driveway but don't have the funds for that particular project right now, I don't have to ask the Universe for it because I already have, I just have to feel good about wood chips in the driveway. So instead of saying: Oh too bad we don't have wood chips yet, I'll say: Oh won't it be so awesome when we have wood chips. ?

But that's not it.

Sure switching from despairing words to optimistic words is helpful, IF the change of language actually helps you feel better. But the larger point is to feel good, period. 

It sounds too simple. It is simple but we don't commonly do it. Mostly we spend our time fretting, complaining, and worrying, then occasionally remember that it's better for us to relax and de-stress. Then we go for a run or bend ourselves about in a yoga class for an hour. Afterward we go back to our auto-pilot of stress and negative thoughts. 

So here is how it goes if you're doing it for real, moment by moment. When I walk outside and remember that I really want wood chips to smooth out our rough post-construction driveway, instead of calculating how much that would cost, and how much we don't have to pay for that, and how scary money is, and how sad the current economy is, and how expensive things are these days, and how freaked out I can get about money, INSTEAD of all of those thoughts I can reach for any one thought that helps me to feel good. It doesn't have to have anything to do with money or wood chips at all, it can be completely unrelated. If I can feel good consistently, then I will have wood chips in the driveway, somehow or other.

Isn't that crazy? Like I said, like the song. So simple. 

Feeling good brings to fruition all of the things you have already asked for. Feeling bad brings to fruition all of the things that you have been worried about. 

Today I felt my body tense with concern about something (not wood chips this time) and then my friend walked in and passed me her happy chubby baby. I buried my face in plump cheek rolls and laughed and became a total lunatic, like most people with a cute baby in their lap do. And I felt my chest open, my breath deepen, and my forehead relax. I was so glad. So glad because I was feeling great in the moment, but doubly great because I remembered that every moment I feel great is another moment where I am attracting all of those things I so dearly want.

Naysayers will say: Well it feels good to sit on the couch all day, but you just can't do that! You've got to pay the bills. And I say: Well does it really feel all that good to sit on the couch all day? Not really, and especially not if there are bills to pay. Naysayers might also say: Isn't that classic avoidance? Like, oh I'm worried about my health so I'll just look at the pretty bird in the tree?! And I say: Exactly! If you have health concerns the very worst thing you can do is fret, worry, and imagine all of the worst case scenarios. Maybe you do look at the pretty bird for a moment, and then from that relaxed, grateful, delighted point of view you look at your health again, making it all the more possible to imagine exactly that, health. 

Again, these are just theories, but if I get to choose, then I'm going for the ones that feel good.

Join me?

Friendly Brain

My kids are arguing right now. The seven-year old is doing some eye-rolling, with attitude to the sky, and irritable utterances. The three-year old is making unreasonable demands and setting her voice at a permanent aggressive whine. Now they say: Hey Mama? Can you help us? And I don't want to because I am irritated, so I am stalling and typing more of my sentence, and now they say: MAMAAAA! and I try my hardest not to leap at them like a demon in rage.

But I have had some powerful ideas sink in lately so instead I hop up from the computer, walk toward them and say: What's up my sweet darlings? What do you need? And after empathy and the situation dissolving I say: Shall we make whip cream?

Maybe I should back up a bit. For starters, yes it is morning time and I know whip cream sounds totally insane under the circumstances but, a. we have some fresh raw farmer's milk that comes with cream on the top of course. b. we only have about a day before the cream turns sour. c. whipped raw cream plus vanilla is a treat that kids go crazy for and is good for them in like a gazillion different ways. But, whip cream aside, the more important part of my reaction is my recent re-awareness that my thoughts create my feelings and my feelings orchestrate/design my life. 

If I spend time tallying up all of the ways in which my kids have been a total drag this morning I will in essence create more drag. If I collect all of the tiny quarrels and stack them in a pile so that I can tell Nathan, when he gets home from work, how difficult the kids have been today, Universal Law has it that we will have a difficult day today, and other days as well. 

The mental descriptions I make on a moment to moment basis affect how I feel about those moments, and certainly affect how I feel about the girls. Well guess what? I want to feel good about my moments, about my girls, and about my life, and I am realizing more and more that I have a choice in these matters. 

In this moment for example, I could see my kids as crabby and sleep deprived, I could tell myself how sick and tired I am of the quibbling and the constant need for a referee. And I can quite easily imagine the feelings that would arrive with those thoughts. Frustration. Irritation. Desperation. A giant sense of woe. Well... I don't want those feelings. I don't. And whereas before I thought feelings were simply effects that took me over for a bit, and that were my duty to honor and feel into completely. I now see them as an effect of my thoughts. And thoughts arrive like a fork in the road, one or more paths that are simply choices.

So as I sat at the computer and the girls began their sibling dance of disgruntlement, I took a moment to toss aside the "oh great, here we go again" thoughts, and forced myself, guided myself with gentle reminders to see this moment as just that, an isolated moment. To see their outbursts as strong feelings, as passion, not as expressions of disagreeable temperaments. To see them as people capable of a wide range of capability and possibility.

I still helped them of course. In this case the issue was that Echo, for reasons unknown to all, was choosing to join Xi on the same chair while Xi colored. A choice Xi disagreed with because she could not identify which pens to choose because the sunlight was blocked by Echo's claustrophobic position. I listened mostly. And when Echo was accidentally smacked in the chin when Xi pulled off the cap of a pen, I held her close. And as is so often the case with empathy, the dispute dissipated of it's own accord. But what matters more is that in my head I was choosing the path of helpful thoughts, freeing myself and everyone else involved to have an enjoyable morning.

Unhelpful thoughts: Man! Echo is in such a lame mood these days. It seems like she is choosing to do things just because it will bother others. I mean WTF, why is she even wanting to squeeze into the very same chair!!! And Xi isn't helping at all. I mean she is totally making that up about not being able to see the pens. Come on! It's not like it's actually dark just because Echo is on the side of the window. Man, when Nathan gets home I am going to tell him how "off" the girls seem and how tired I am of it. I mean this morning Echo woke me up by hitting me in the back. So lame! Ugh. I dread a day that goes like this. Why can't they just play like normal kids? Why does every single little thing have to be a dispute?

Helpful thoughts: Okay. I'm feeling irritated by this... but how do I want this day to go?... Alright so they disagree with the pen/chair/body position. These sweet girls. Echo likes Xi so much that she wants to be as close to her as possible. Ah, little sisters, so certain that whatever the older sister is doing is the most interesting and cool thing on the planet. And Xi! So sweet to even consider sharing that tight space with Echo. Blocked sunlight, I can relate to that, when I draw I feel like choosing the right color is a huge decision. Oh ouch, Echo is so close that just taking off a pen cap means that she gets punched in the chin. Poor little girl. Maybe we need a little fun around here, something unusual and special. Whip cream project?...

Of course this line of thinking applies to all parts of my life, not just my family life. It means that if I want to create more of what I actually want, and less of what I don't want, I must be vigilant with my thoughts at all times. A helpful rule to remind me is to not complain. I started by trying to go one week without complaining either silently to myself or out-loud to someone else, but after the week was up I realized how powerful this simple act, or non-act could be. When I didn't allow myself to talk about the negative aspects of anything, I had to think around those negative thoughts. As soon as I thought other thoughts, those thoughts became positive and so did my life.

So I'm keeping it up. It's good for me.

Nathan and I are even taking this idea so far as to influence our entertainment choices. I love dark, gritty movies, full of suspense and forays into the underbelly of society. But guess what? This means I go to bed with anxious thoughts and feelings, dark images and adrenaline. And then I dream along these lines all night long. It doesn't take a genius to guess that even though the source of my thoughts is fictitious, the effect of my thoughts could be very real.

So empathy, whip cream, and helpful thoughts. A recipe for a good morning and perhaps a good life as well.