Talk Feeleez

I Love This

Almost a month after spring break Echo sent this message to Bella via Facebook:

Dear Bella,

During spring break you were using my favorite towel when we went swimming at the Y. And I got mad at you because I like to use my favorite towel and I said "That's the towel I use!" and I started to rip it off you. Now I regret how I pulled it off you. I just wanted you to know because I don't like the feeling of pulling a towel off someone so I wanted to write you this note. And I am sorry I did that.

Love Echo

Echo,

It was no big deal for me. I'm sorry I was stubborn.  I love you and miss you so much! C u soon!

Xoxo, Bella

 

This towel episode had been weighing heavily on Echo's mind. Sometimes, when falling asleep at night she'd recount it for me, weeping with regret. She was tentative to bring it up with Bella again, too embarrassed to remind her sister of her less than cool behavior, but eventually it got too much for her. Since Bella spends the majority of her school year at her other house we did our best with modern technology. When the return note came through Echo's body slackened with relief and delight. The weight had been lifted.

Days later we were talking about the Lemony Snicket series and the (excellent!) point the book makes about people being neither purely "wicked" nor purely "noble" but rather a mix of the two. Together we talked about actions that we both have taken that might be considered "wicked". Number one on her list was not one of the times she has violently attacked her middle sister but, The Towel Incident. 

I'm so glad I have access to this girl's mind and emotions. I'm so glad I can help her release those emotions. And I am so glad for sisters.

Sweet, sweet, sisters.

Ducking the Witching Hour

I'm guessing that every family has a witching hour. We do. Ours is from about 4:30pm until 6pm. Xi is home from school but done with her after-school snack and chill-out time. Echo is in the living room, finishing up a game of whatever she has concocted. And I can see the two ships start to converge. They are a little adrift, a little at a loss. Things could go either way at this point, they could dive into a game together and play until I drag them away for dinner, or....

well the "or" is horrible. They might argue about the jump rope hitting the edge of the rug. Or argue about the crack in the couch cushions. Then tension rises until basically they are both on the lookout for any possible conflict. I hate it.

Yesterday I decided to duck it. I decided to basically chaperon them through the witching hour by engaging them in an activity. Xi wanted a "listen and do" activity but I didn't find anything good on the internet and so decided to write my own. A "listen and do" activity is one where the participant listens to a series of instructions and, well, does them. This is what I came up with:

• Draw a tall box.
• Color it with red stripes.
• Write the word BOX under it.
• Add five plus five and write the answer, very small, somewhere inside the red-striped box. (For Xi: Subtract 105 from 115)
• Draw five clouds at the top of the page.
• Draw a roof for the red-striped box.
• Draw hills in the background.
• Put a fence on them.
• Draw seven chickens in grass.
• Circle the smallest cloud.
• Draw a curvy path to the red-striped box.
• Color the biggest chicken orange.
• Put a tree in the scene.
• Give it six apples, two are laying on the ground.
• Color the apples in the tree red.
• Color the apples in the tree brown.
• Put three flying birds in the sky.
• Underline the largest one.
• Write your name backwards in the left, bottom-hand corner.
• Turn paper over and make a list of five things that describe you.

Xi's five things to describe herself: 1. nice, 2. fun, 3. loving, 4. almost always happy, 5. loves bananas

Echo's five things to describe herself: 1. full of ideas, 2. active, 3. long hair, 4. love for nature, 5. love parents

They were absorbed for forever! And I made dinner really peacefully. They wanted to try again.

• Divide your paper in half with a line.
• Draw a fat bunny with eight turds on the left-hand side.
• Circle the seventh turd.
• Color all turds primary colors.
• Draw a toy dangling over the bunny’s head.
• Attach it to something.
• Give the bunny something soft to sit on.
• And a friend that isn’t a bunny.
• Give the friend a hat.
• Point an arrow at the hat.
• Write the name of the bunny and the friend somewhere near them.
• Draw an angry man on the right-hand side.
• Give him a shack to live in and a dog.
• Make sure the dog has a place to hide if he needs to.
• Color the dog the color you get when you mix red and blue.
• Draw 4 rainclouds in the sky above the man and dog.
• And a lightning bolt.
• Add up the number of turds and the number of clouds and write this in the bottom right-hand corner.
• Draw flowers around the shack.
• Draw hearts between the bunny and friend.
• Send one of those hearts to the man.
• Write your full name in the top-right-hand corner of the page.
• Flip the paper over and write your top five wishes.

 

Xi's five wishes: 1. have a puppy, 2. farm, 3. cat, 4. $1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 5. even more love 

 Echo's five wishes: 1. farm, 2. nurse again, 3.marry Elliott, 4. win the lottery, 5. Fala (future dog)

 What I loved about this project:

1. peace

2. that there was no right way to follow the directions and the varying delightful results

3. insight into who these girls are! "even more love", "full of ideas" - such a great window into their interior.

4. watching their faces in rapt attention, waiting for me to read the next direction.

5. It doesn't even matter what the directions are! I could have written almost anything.

 

And in case you are curious, we had an enormous salad for dinner, accompanied by an enormous platter of oven-baked french fries. Yum!

 

S.O.S - Update

Are you wondering how my little beastie is doing?

She's feeling better.

In fact this morning, after making a fort in our bed with the clothes that I, ahem, leave piled up at the foot of our bed, Echo got up on her own, picked out an outfit for me and laid it on the bed, got dressed, fed all of the animals, and then made us both toast. I ate that kinda cold, poorly buttered toast in my "stylish" outfit of fleece pants and a sexy-mama sweater-shirt with shoulder cut outs. Her aim was cozy and special and she definitely hit the target. In fact I was feeling so cozy and peaceful that I forgot all about the dark days we have just emerged from.

During those days Echo would have argued irrationally and eloquently with me, explaining with fiery urgency why today was NOT a day in which it made sense for me to snuggle with papa before getting up. Then she would have shrieked at me as I made my way to the bathroom, sure that I was going to snatch away her right to pee on the toilet first. She'd do the same with the stairs. Then she'd spot something her sister was doing and launch into a full-blown red-in-the-face tirade about whatever it was that Xi was doing. She'd flail on the floor and demand my presence and argue, argue, argue about the injustice of it all.

So what's the difference?

• Nothing.
• Time passing.
• Empathy.
• Homeopathy.

Basically in that order.

NOTHING: Sometimes kids are just fucking crazy. Then time passes and they are different. So I was waiting for this. Hoping that the transition was coming. Trying not to count the days. Going into emergency mode - scheduling as little as possible, making sure food levels remained high, maintaining an early bedtime, ensuring that my physical body and interest were available for crafting, hugging, and talking, and avoiding getting myself involved in challenging things like trouble-shooting a new idea in Adobe Illustrator. 

TIME PASSING: See above. Also, with time comes perspective. The first time Echo flung her body at Xi for using the stools Echo wasn't using but was going to use I was absolutely blindsided. I spent a lot of time explaining how her view of things was baldly incorrect and therefore she shouldn't be upset. Stupid me! But like I said I wasn't prepared. After the tenth time, when Echo perceived an injustice no one else could see I didn't linger over the discussion as long. 

EMPATHY - Of course. Because even folks, or especially, folks that are not feeling quite right, that are super upset (even irrationally) need empathy. And I'm not saying this was easy to give. I am cerebral before emotional so it's tough for me to become empathetic when I see there is no cause for the set of emotions I am supposed to empathize with. 

When Echo warned Xi that she was using the fort and Xi veered away from the staked claim to find a seat on the pink chair instead and Echo still got upset about Xi using something that she was "just about to use", I've got to admit that I didn't have easy access to empathy. My mind wasn't ready with "Oh honey. You're so mad. You were using the pink chair huh? Shoot. Are you so mad that Xi is in your way?" because my mind was too busy playing "WTF?" on repeat. And I really can't leave my mind behind as much as I want to sometimes. If I could have crawled into the fort with just my heart to soothe my girl I would have.

So I plowed through the irrational "facts". I rationally explained while she irrationally explained. And that got us no where, for sure, but all the while I was holding her and giving her my full face and care. Eventually we broke through to the other side, into the grassy plain where Echo finally slackened and said: "I just don't feel right! And I just really want the pink chair. And I'm just really mad." PRAISE THE HEAVENS - that is a state of being for which  I can have mountains of empathy.

HOMEOPATHY - Get some.

No really, empathy and time passing and a simplified life is all great but it is SO MUCH EASIER and effective when the set of feelings are true. When things are just insane, when one of our children is acting loony, when empathy helps but doesn't prevent the exact same scenario from popping up again, Nathan and I know that there must be something more going on. We do our best to treat the girls with homeopathy because when they are in imbalance the things they are feeling, at least some of them, are due to the imbalance more than any particular set of circumstances. A child suffering imbalance isn't as receptive to good parenting.

For instance, when Xi is "off" she cries easily. And when I say easily I mean that she cries even before there is something to be upset about, even before she asks for help with a possibly, slightly, troubling situation. Like if I ask her to move her homework off the counter she'll start crying because the buckle on the backpack is hard to un-click. I can give her empathy for those feelings, and I do, but I also go straight for the cabinet and give her her homeopathic remedy. After the remedy is in place she is still Xi, but she is a Xi that is dealing with "true" emotions, not emotions derived from imbalance.

Xi is consistent in what remedy she needs. She has benefited from the same remedy (in different potencies) for six years or more. With Echo we use a couple different ones depending on what's going on with her. This is why it's great to have a homeopath because they keep it all straight in their database and also because they can see your child more objectively. I am partially masked by fatigue and love so it takes me a few days to clearly see any usable symptoms.

But it was the pink chair/fort incident that finally illustrated some useful (in terms of selecting the proper remedy) symptoms. I explained to Echo that I wasn't going to make Xi get off the chair, that we don't do that in our house... When something is available for play anyone can play with it.... etc.

Echo: Yeah well she's NOT playing with it! She's just sitting there!

Me: She's pretending it's a house. She's sitting in the house.

Echo: Well it's NOT a house! It's just a chair! So if it's not a house then she's not playing with it! SO THERE! You have to get her off of it and give it back to me!

Me: She is playing with it honey. I'm not taking it away from her.

Echo: Well what she's NOT doing is giving it to me! And that's not fair!

 

An eloquent, irrational lawyer.

 

That's when it struck me, the pattern of all these outbursts. After Echo had settled I hopped up and went to the computer. When we don't want the expense of calling our homeopath we use a site called abchomeopathy.com. I entered these terms in the search box:

perceived injustice, irrational, antagonistic,

After answering several questions and winding my way through the database I landed on one of Echo's tried and true remedies. A quick trip to our cabinet and within an hour Echo was smoothed out.

Yes, she still gets mad at Xi. Yes, she still prefers to be the first one to pee in the morning. But the veneer of imbalance has been removed. Now I am just dealing with my daughter, not my daughter in imbalance. And that is about a bajillion times easier.

So there it is. A little more peace, a little less crazy.

 

ps. Our course in parenting with empathy starts tomorrow! Join in!

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S.O.S

The sun is out!

The birds are chirping!

The grass is green-ing!

But inside? The five-year old is a raging beast of provocation and irrationality.

I went to let the chickens out and thought about just staying out there, in my jammies, waiting for the day to be over. 

Here's an example of recent issues: 

Xi is at the counter doing homework and playfully sitting on two stools. Echo rears her head from her play and sees this. She flies into a rage and shoves Xi off the stools ranting about how "she can't snatch that stool away from me!". She screams, cries, and rages.

or,

I'm practicing yoga and Echo circles. She asks me to clip a barrette into her hair and when I am done I go back to my pose. She has curled her toes under the mat and is now F-ING MAD that I am keeping her from using the mat the way she wants to. She screams, cries, and rages.

And you'd think that with this kind of madness the big sister would steer clear right? Would give the demon operating her little sister a wide berth, yes? NOPE. That Xi is right in there trying to use what Echo's using, trying to play a game with Echo that Echo doesn't want to play, trying to insert herself into the eye of the storm by any means necessary.

See why early morning frost and chickens sound better?

This is day three of this. When Nathan kissed me goodbye this morning I questioned his love for me, not believing that he would leave me with these two FOR THE WHOLE DAY. 

Why is this happening? 

-Echo is probably fighting a virus.

-Xi's personal make-up and life situation pre-determines an interest in not playing alone, in not being left out even if what she's being left out of is insane raging.

-The seasons are shifting and transitions (even positive ones) throw children off kilter.

-Just because.

 

What am I going to do?

-write a blog post!

-receive empathy graciously

-make sure we are NEVER trying to get somewhere at a certain time

-empty my bladder frequently so I'm not holding my pee

-drink enough water, eat enough food

-try to keep my voice soft

-do what it takes to squeeze in some yoga

-let them fight and/or stop fearing they may fight

-dig out empathy for them, even robotic-ly until I actually feel it

 

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Books and Empathy, Books and Empathy

Echo has this weird illness that is floating around town. The main symptom seems to be that you feel sick, then you feel better, then you feel sick again. Like a roller coaster ride. The good news is that she's not that sick, just a little fever and lethargy. The other good news is that we happen to have a stack of audio stories she is in love with.

She is clocking some serious audio story time, breaking her own personal records. We're talking eight to nine hours straight. She even listened to an audio story during the walk to and from the library where we got more audio stories.

Here is our current audio story lineup:

• Charlotte's Web
• Trumpet of the Swan
• Lemony Snicket - Book One
• Lemony Snicket - Book Two
• Lemony Snicket - Book Three
• 68  Rooms
• Riding Freedom
• Olivia Kidney
• Magic Treehouse
• The Meanest Doll from the Runaway Dolls series
• THe Sign of the Beaver

At night falling asleep Echo asks her vocabulary questions. "Mom, what are stakes? As in "high-stakes"?" And I love it that she can recite the exact source sentence so that I don't send her down the wrong explanatory road and confuse her completely. And sometimes I have to go to the dictionary myself. 

But not everyone loves eight straight hours of audio stories. In this home full of work-from-home folks sometimes it simply doesn't work. That's when we pull out the headphones. But sometimes even this doesn't work. Just yesterday morning Xi came to full fed-up-with-audio-stories mode. She didn't want to hear them out loud and she didn't want Echo disappearing behind head phones either. She wanted to play! She missed her sister.

It got pretty snarky, I have to admit. There was lots of "Fine! Don't play with me!" and scowls and feigned indifference poorly hidden through desperate tears. I know some of you simply do not believe me when I say that we use empathy for 80 percent of our parenting, but seriously? We do. 

I didn't even leave my yoga mat, I just paraphrased what I heard in clear feelings-based language. Sure, in my mind I was thinking: "We're screwed! This is going from bad to worse! I don't want to be interrupted! Just get over it girls! Maybe I should just declare that they aren't even allowed to play!" But on the outside I said things like: 

• Sure, you're sick and tired of audio stories huh?
• You miss your sister!
• You're sad that she doesn't want to play.
• You feel lonely and left out huh?
• You love it when you and Echo get a good game going.
• You love playing together.
• You were hoping for a different kind of morning.

And Xi got revved up by my comments, kind of indignant and more sad and angry. But she also stopped arguing her position and arguing the shitty-ness of audio stories. She stopped exaggerating Echo's use of audio stories and her own dislike for them. But also, and maybe more importantly, Echo listened to my empathetic rendition of Xi's position and I could tell from her face that for the first time she actually heard it. Without having to defend herself she could hear Xi's feelings.

To Echo I said:

• You love audio stories.
• It feels good, when you aren't feeling well, to cozy up and be still.
• You'd actually like to play with Xi huh? If you felt better?
• You love it when you and Xi have a fun game going, like "Girl Scouts" or "Wild Cats". 

Echo broke down in tears and said: "I would do anything to play with Xi. I am so tired and bored of feeling sick!" She slumped further in her chair but not in defiance or as part of an argument, she had her eyes on Xi - kind, loving eyes. 

Xi came up with the idea that maybe Echo could listen to audio stories during the time Xi is at her mom's house and then not listen to them at all when Xi returns. I smiled (knowing for sure that wasn't going to happen). And then Echo had an idea as well. She thought maybe she could just rally enough energy to simply stop listening to stories and play.

And that's what they did. 

At least long enough to reaffirm their love and joy in one another.

 

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Still Friends

So it's been two months since the Forgiveness Ceremony, the desperaate attempt the parents made in order to spare us all from the incessant sibling fighting. The two girls, Echo and Xi (Bella has been at her other house and thus simply cherished through Skype) engaged in a special ritual to wipe the slate clean and become friends again. 

And they still are friends!

Well there was the one day, in the YMCA locker room, the scene of our darkest sibling-shittiness-days, when Echo, when asked to pick a spot to sit while I brushed her hair, chose the exact spot where Xi was standing. My mind went wild with panic, instantly. Yet we sorted that out without incident. Then on the way home Echo misinterpreted Xi's response as sarcasm and when I glanced in the mirror, the look that passed between the two girls confirmed my greatest fears. Within the space of an hour we had traveled back to that dark time where these two girls fought endlessly. It's not as though they don't argue from time to time, but the flavor of these two exchanges were just so eerily matched to that dark era.

How my heart flared! My mind raged! If I were a child I'd be dragging my feet and screaming! I DID NOT want to go back to those old days. 

I actually honked the horn. It sounds silly now. Heck it felt silly then! But I didn't know what to do. It was like the old trick with the spray bottle, the one where you spray a cat in the face just as they are, say, scratching the furniture or something. I wanted to stop these girls in their tracks, before they could step one step further down the road to hell.

I honked the mini-van horn. Loud and long. Not caring for a millisecond that this made zero sense to my fellow drivers. Screw them, I had a serious emergency on my hands.

I pulled over and beseeched these two to realize what they were doing. I pleaded with them to notice how quickly things can change from friends to enemies. I may even have pulled on my hair and thrown in some serious drama. (Just maybe.) And they turned it around. I was so glad we had the ceremony to point to as a landmark. They knew just what I was talking about, no glazed looks were present. They simply re-chose their friend state.

Praise the heavens!

And so we've reached the two-month mark with only those five minutes of panic (mostly on my part). These two are constant companions.

• Diving to the bottom of the pool.
• Refining their various jumps (cannonball, pencil, walk-jump) from the edge of the pool
• Making forts
• Playing pretends
• Eating snacks
• Taking personality quizzes

My guard is completely let down. This is the new normal.

And just to share: On my current list of Cutest Things Ever, Xi is wearing the Girl Scout sash from my own childhood. She wears it because she is interested in becoming a Girl Scout herself. But she also wears it because she thinks it's cool! She asked to wear it to school. She has worn it for three days straight, stroking it in admiration. For some reason this pulls my heart strings, all the way. In this era of Justin Beiber and iPhones and kids growing up faster than ever before, I am so touched that honest-to-goodness merit badges have caught this modern girl's fancy. And the fact that she is proud of her (step) mom for her girlhood achievements just adds that extra tug.

xo

 

Code

A couple weeks ago the non-stop sisterly bickering frenemy state in our house reached a peak. Somehow, by totallly giving up completely, the idea for a forgiveness ceremony arose. It was beautiful and powerful and seriously wiped the slate clean for a fresh new start. A week or so later (a week without a single skirmish) tempers rose once more and after a very long-winded lecture (cringe) from me about "plain sisters" and "friend sisters" we arrived at the concept of non-violent communication. The girls were quick studies and have used, the "magic language" as they call it, for another week or so with great success.

Then the blue yoga ball entered the picture. 

Oh blue ball how you torture me. You delight with bounces and racing games. You actually are a friend to our daughters even though you are made of rubber, but sometimes I wish you would stay stuffed in the back of the closet because you are almost too well-liked and incite otherwise friendly girls to fight to the death.

Okay, they weren't fighting to the death, it was actually all very subtle, but the dynamic I saw rearing it's ugly head reminded me waaaay too much of the those couple months where Xi and Echo couldn't go a moment without tension and I couldn't bear it.

The details: Not much to it really. The blue ball was in the mix, delightfully so for several days. Recently he is called Rajah and the game is to train him for "The Great Ball Fights" coming up soon. The girls race him from the back door to the living room at a signal and must stop before the plastic dragon thingy, which is all very heart-racey and exciting for them all. Rajah also has been propped at the top of the stairs and after several important "vital checks" is sent racing down. Rajah either does well (just what the criteria for a "good job" are elude the parents) and is congratulated with "Good Boy"s or is chastised for some infraction or other and sternly replaced at the top to try again. He's a rubber ball! But lately he is the great Rajah and enjoys the rapt attention of these two girls. 

So when Echo and I trundled down the stairs and found Xi early one morning reading a magazine while sitting on the blue ball I felt the tension rise a bit. Echo was eager to get Rajah's training going once more but Xi was "using the blue ball" and no she didn't hear Echo asking her about playing she just "was busy reading". That's right she just happened to need to sit on the blue ball and just happened to not hear Echo as well. Uh oh. I skirted around, getting granola for Echo and hoping the threat would pass. But later that afternoon when tempers flared beyond reason over a Barbie accessory I flipped my lid.

I started by shouting. That always works doesn't it??? I kid. I kid. Shouting always fails miserably for me. Echo cowers and Xi goes completely impassive and unreadable, stone faced. UGH. So I reeled it in. I asked them why they wanted to go down this dark path again, why they wanted to re-enter the dark world they were so happy to be free from. They couldn't answer really, they just found themselves going there and couldn't explain it. I tracked the situation down to the blue ball incident that morning and made an effort to find the cause of it. 

Indeed Xi did feel distant and resentful of Echo, she felt closed off and mad at her. And this time at least there was no particular reason. She simply fell into it, like stepping into an old groove. At first I was quite daunted by this. If we couldn't find the reason how were we doing to fix it??? Xi didn't have any ideas either so I leaned into the idea that feelings, especially ones that pop up unwanted and unwillingly, don't need a solution they just need empathy. Now this feeling that Xi experiences is a complicated one. It has something to do with jealousy, and a little to do with resentment, and a few dashes of some other things too and I am positive that while Xi is experiencing this feeling she is not going to be willing to dissect and analyze said feeling in order for it to be classified and recognized. That's when the code word came in.

Thunder Cloud.

Here's the deal: When I see Xi retreating and treating Echo poorly in that passive aggressive way I will ask her if she's feeling Thunder Cloud-y and she can get some love and empathy. If she herself feels that feeling coming on she can come to Papa or I, declare Thunder Cloud, and again get some love and empathy.

The next morning when Xi wouldn't let Echo try on the sunglasses she was wearing "because she just didn't want to take them off" I heard the Thunder Cloud alarms ringing. I asked her: "Feeling Thunder Cloud-y?" She nodded yes, slumped into me for a long hug, then cheerily skipped away offering Echo the sunglasses immediately. The next morning Echo herself sensed some tension, she skedaddled out of there, came to me and said: "I think Xi's in Thunder Cloud mode. Will you help us?". I stalled a bit, giving Xi some space, and sure enough when Echo and I re-entered the living room the cloud had passed.

Fucking amazing really.

There really is something about naming something and identifying it. After all that's what the Feeleez poster is all about. Kids don't care that that particular feeling might be called "Frustration", just pointing to the image is enough. What they do care about is that you know they are feeling it. Sometimes that is enough.

What feeling-combo, funky mood state would you name? And what would you call it?

Well...

Well... remember the rainbow stacker I posted about? Remember the forgiveness ceremony I posted about too? Maybe you can see where this is going. 

Saturday morning, 8:00am, before breakfast, before even full morning light there was an issue. Both girls wanted the rainbow stacker and both girls were being total assholes about it. I took a deep breath, sauntered over and assumed my neutral, non-judgemental, helpful stance.

"So... you both want the rainbow stacker huh?"

They were deeply entrenched. They didn't want to share it, they didn't want to take turns, and they didn't want to give it to the other. Stalemate. Of course, I don't care who plays with any particular toy, what I cared about is that it felt like we were back at square one, back to the pre-forgiveness ceremony where each girl treated the other like an enemy. Sinking heart.

Somehow I got Echo to join me in waffle making, buying Xi some time with the rainbow, but as is usually the case, once she had free reign she found herself gravitating toward the rest of the family anyway. So there we all were in the kitchen and I found myself talking about sisterhood.

Now sisterhood is something I know something about because I have a sister. I have one that I have gotten in gnarly hair-pulling matches with. I have one that I have pinned down in rage only to find her slip away with older-sister witty comments that rendered me panting and clueless. I also have one (that same one) that I absolutely adore! I have one that I would die for. I not only have a sister I have a sister-friend.

This is what I talked about.

Sisters will always love each other but they won't always like each other. I explained that the love part came from simply being born into the same family, but that the like part had to be nurtured and built by treating one another well. Our girls were open to this but needed more examples. So I reminded them of a recent dream I had about how I was suddenly getting ready for my own wedding and, because it was a dream, I didn't know which dress was the wedding dress or how to do my hair or anything. And in the dream I was waiting for my sister. When she arrived I knew she would set me straight. She'd do my hair and help me with the dress and apply my makeup. I literally could not get married without her and sat down to wait. The girls remembered this dream well because it involved their parents getting married (they LOVE this subject) as well as bridesmaids dresses for them. I said one could have a sister that is simply invited to the wedding, or a sister that is in the wedding, a sister that one needs and wants to be with.

Now we were getting somewhere.

Echo, blooming with the images of weddings and sisterly love, reached for Xi to give her love, and Xi kind of froze and closed off and elbowed Echo away.

But I was undeterred! I plunged forward with my wedding analogy. I said: "Xi, Echo was feeling love for you and wanting to share it. That was a building moment. That was a moment that either builds toward you guys being in each others weddings or not. Elbowing her away, moments like those, lead to being the kind of sisters that barely tolerate each other. All of the moments count and all of them bring you either to sister-friends or just plain sisters.

Xi hugged Echo back.

But we were still stuck. And actually Echo started to tear up because she desperately wants a sister-friend but doesn't know how to keep it heading in that direction. Of course I mentioned, trying hard not to use any sarcasm, that she could start with using kind words, because the morning actually started off with Echo saying:

" XI! I"M GOING TO USE THAT! GET OUTTA HERE! I DON'T WANT YOU HERE. NOW MOVE AWAY!!!"

At this point Nathan casually said we should teach the girls non-violent communication.

Non-violent communication! Why of course! My mind zipped through high school and the years spent in Peer Helpers, the workshops in conflict resolution, the success of that approach, the approach that I use on a daily basis but never thought to actually teach our children.

Their ears perked up, what is this that papa speaks of? I told them it was a magic language, one used all over the world by millions of people. They wanted in. 

Here's the formula:

I feel _______________ when you do ______________.

I need ____________.

Would you be willing to ________________.

(Feeling, need, request.)

 

The girls were intrigued and we ran through scenarios.

Echo, when you scream at me I feel really mad. I need a more gentle request. I need to feel calm and safe. Would you be willing to ask me in a different way next time?

Xi, when you took the rainbow stacker I felt really upset. I feel like I need a turn with it. Would you be willing to give the pieces back so we can talk about it?

They both wanted to insert the word "make", as in: When you scream at me you MAKE me mad. But that's not allowed in non-violent communication. The best way to move forward, find empathy, and make an agreement, is for everyone to own their own feelings. After we sorted this out, and Xi actually took notes so that she could remember (be still my heart!) they went back to playing and played the whole day without incident. In fact they have played for days now with only the one rainbow stacker blow up.

I wasn't sure how much of our sister-friend/non-violent communication conversation stuck but yesterday when we were writing thank you cards Echo said to me: "Oh mom, by the way, that magic language? I used it with Xi when she was in her room and wouldn't open the door for me to come in."

"Oh? Did it work?

"Yes it did." Then, patting my arm, "It really did."

It really did work. It really does work. And my heart is soaring once again. 

 

Desperate, Magical, Loving, Potent Measures

A couple days ago I was writing a post in my head about being a shitty parent. Well actually I didn't feel like a shitty parent but my kids were being shitty and I figured that, as the parent, it was probably my fault. So as part of my struggle I mentally composed. 

Here's the scene. The dynamic between Xi, Echo, and I has been awful. When others are around, Papa or Bella or the grandparents, the dynamic shifts and it isn't so sucky but when it's just the three of us? Holy hell. The locker room of the YMCA is the arena in which the worst comes to shine. These two girls drive me absolutely nuts. Actually it starts before we even get inside. Xi's coat sleeve covers Echo's seat belt buckle and they fight about that. Then we get to the swinging doors to enter and Xi blocks Echo's way so that she can't get to the handle. They fight about that. Then while undressing Echo shoves Xi in order to set her boots within the locker. They fight about that. Then Xi stands where Echo was standing and refuses to move. They fight about that. Then there is a decision to make about who uses which towel. They fight about that. Then there's the matter of which racks the towels hang on. They fight about that.

You get the idea.

But it doesn't stop there. Who uses which shower? Who uses the goggles first? One girl wants to move, arbitrarily to the other side of the pool, so how many minutes on each side? One girl wants five minutes in the hot tub, the other none. Then, back to the locker room... who uses which shower? Who gets to wring their suit out first? Who carries the goggles?

Who carries the fucking goggles from the shower to the locker. We're talking about SEVEN FEET folks but it takes us ten minutes to come to an agreement.

It's not as if I was posing these questions to them, offering them their choice of shower or asking them who was going to carry the goggles. I don't care who!!!! They just were choosing to care violently about each of these issues and also choosing to disagree about them at every stage.

I found myself saying in rote:

So you both want the goggles. What do we do?

So you both want shower number four. What do we do?

So you both want to be first to wring out your suit. What do we do?

Now I consider myself a patient person but can you imagine the tedium? Can you imagine the amount of time this takes? I was factoring in huge amounts of time for our swimming excursions just to leave time for the locker room debacles. I was going out of my mind. I decided things would change as the girls changed developmentally. But three months have passed. I explained how I wasn't wanting to go the to Y with them anymore. I drummed up empathy from them for my plight but it only worked for a couple days. 

I wondered what it would be like to have boys instead. I imagined how after swimming I would send them off with papa to the men's locker room then saunter casually into the women's for a leisurely stress-free shower.

I stood in the kitchen at night and analyzed it with Nathan. These discussions led to serious discussions with Xi about her feelings. As it turns out Xi felt like we love Echo more, that in particular I side with Echo during arguments. As a result Xi intentionally, though slyly, does things to inspire Echo to be an asshole in the hopes that I will notice and get mad at Echo. Like purposely blocking Echo with her body while looking like she just happens to want to stand in that particular  spot. Or like "accidentally" whipping her in the face with her coat sleeve as she swings it over her shoulders.

Although this news was upsetting, on hearing it I felt like we had good stuff to work with. Xi and I talked about her feelings. I talked about how much I love her and that if she is worried about that sort of thing she can come to me for extra love and reassurance instead of instigating an argument in the hopes that I would side with her against Echo. I decided that I would see these little arguments as a reaching out by Xi, and that I would respond with extra love.

But it didn't stick.

There we were in the locker room settling the same old arguments.

I was resigned to either a sucky dynamic or elaborate arrangements in which I managed to go to the Y without the girls, when Papa got curious with the girls over dinner one evening. He asked them in complete neutrality what was going on for them. They admitted that they weren't liking how things were going. Nathan asked if they had any ideas for doing things differently the next time an issue came up. 

Echo responded: "I for one am not going to lose my wits."

Xi said: "I don't even know what that means."

Echo returned: "Basically it means that I'm not going to start screaming."

I loved this exchange but obviously it didn't sound exactly like a solid plan of attack. So we continued talking. 

Echo tried to reassure me: "Mom, you know, all kids - well all well-behaved kids, and we ARE well-behaved kids - want to do what their parents want them to do. They do. It's just... hard."

I loved this even more.

As we talked further it sounded like their dynamic was very much a case of payback gone awry. Xi was paying Echo back for a past grievance, and then Echo was mistreating Xi for mistreating her, and then Xi would pay her back for that mistreatment and on it went for three months and running. But somehow we pulled from this muck an idea. 

A forgiveness ceremony.

How we all love ceremonies! The girls were pumped.

They wrote down their complaints with one another, some classic examples for which they were going to forgive the other.

I was a little worried about this part. I was concerned that they might actually start to get angry with each other as they remembered all the times they were pissed off. But I think it was important. We weren't going for a sense of vague forgiveness, we were hoping for a forgiveness that stopped the horrible payback cycle we were stuck in.

We got down our special altar we use for ceremonies, the girls gathered round and in preparation they explained the things they had drawn. They went through each instance. 

"When Xi takes a toy from me I really don't like it and I get really mad. So I am forgiving her for that. I am letting go of all that kind of anger."

"When Echo doesn't listen to my idea and just shouts NO at me I hate it. So I am letting go of that. I'm going to forgive her for that."

As they went through each one they started to feel really sorry for each other. They actually noted that they hadn't been as sweet to each other as they liked. When we began the girls were planning on simply giving one another forgiveness but as they went through their struggles and found empathy for one another they realized that they'd prefer to ask  each other for forgiveness. Holy shit.

So they held hands, held eyes, and asked.

"Echo I'm really sorry for the things I did that I don't feel good about. I'm sorry for doing those things. I am asking for your forgiveness."

"I forgive you Xi."

"Xi, I'm really sorry for the things I did that I don't feel good about, like threatening to stab you with a fork. I'm really sorry about that. I'm asking you to forgive me."

"I forgive you Echo."

It was amazing!

Then each girl, with the help of Papa, burned each of their grievances. 

At the very end Xi burned an image she drew that symbolized me loving Echo more than her. She decided she was going to get rid of that idea, burn it to the ground. Papa asked her if she saved it for the last because it was the most important, most potent one and she said yes. And that paper, I tell ya, it burned bright and big and fast.

And then they hugged. A hug so loving and true that Echo kept saying afterward that she thought that was the first time the two had really really hugged. 

And I'm happy to say our swim adventure was blissful. I'm so relieved to say that they didn't fight even once the entire day. When Xi stepped out of the shower and dropped her suit into the wringer without discussing it with anyone my heart was in my throat. I think I even held my breath, waiting for the rain of tears and sprays of shouts, but... none came. They were liking each other. They played and played and played late into the evening.

I also have to say that a day later as I sat down to write this a skirmish erupted about the rainbow stacker. I was set to come back to the keyboard and erase everything I had written. But nope. There were tears as I explained to Echo she couldn't play with the rainbow for another consecutive solid day, but now? Now the two girls are right back together, right in the middle of another peaceful and elaborate pretend.

I am hopeful. It feels like we really hit on something. And what a heartwarming, in the truest sense, spectacle to witness.

xo

It's Best Not to Get Too Cocky

We're headed into Week Five of our six-week parenting course. In the class Nathan and I each write about a topic, post it, and then read what we both wrote. In his posts he's always helping us all feel better by reminding us that parenting in a conscious way is like yoga, you just keep practicing until it becomes more natural. I love that metaphor because even the most "advanced" yogis use that word. They don't "do" yoga, or "achieve" yoga, or "complete" yoga, they practice it. Everyday. And their back muscles ripple.

When you practice yoga everyday you don't think much of winging yourself into a headstand or folding yourself into what once looked like a ridiculous licorice-vine thingy. And the same is true for parenting consciously (as opposed to reflexively- repeating words and actions that you wish you didn't or that don't even work). And it's embarrassing, but I pretty much thought I/we made up this whole empathy parenting thing, so I figured that I was practically always in good form, always well-practiced.

Ha ha.

I now know that I too need to practice everyday, that I too get rusty, that parenting headstands are really really hard if you've gone slack for a bit. I didn't know I'd gone slack. But I had and the way I found out is by giving the parenting class again. We go through six topics in detail - the same team concept, empathy, ditching praise and punishment, modeling, story, and having fun - and it's not as though I was that far off track, dishing out punishment and gold stars and yanking arms and threatening, but I wasn't completely on-track either.

But a funny thing happens when you write and edit a 2,000 word post on empathy. Let's just say the concept stays on your mind. So when Echo screeched at Xi about the (f-ing) blue ball and Xi "defended" herself with her scraggly nails, and Echo screeched some more and called her stupid and whacked her in the arm, and I started to panic (as I always do in the first millisecond when this sort of thing happens, no matter how much practice I have) and ran through several possible and unhelpful reactions, like popping the blue ball, or sending Xi off to do the chore she forgot to do, or getting angry at them, I didn't. Because I had just written about the wonders of empathy and how it works!

Instead I said: "Oh man, you guys are having a hard time huh?"

And things unfolded from there.

When Bella was reading a book on the couch (because she's a pre-teen and will suddenly swing wildly from playing fairies or barbies to more "grown-up" activities) and Echo purposely stood right next to her doing annoying things and I looked away and then looked back to see Bella karate kick Echo in the neck... it was right on the heels of Week One of the course in which we talk about being on the Same Team as your children. Part of this concept is assuming the best of them. So I yelled "BELLA!!!" with anger and shock. Then I remembered that whole assuming the best thing and wrangled my feelings and actions accordingly. Instead of saying "Why the fuck did you kick her in the neck???" I said: "What happened?" And when Bella said she didn't mean to kick her, that she was only trying to get off the couch and things went awry, I didn't contradict her, I didn't look at her doubtfully, or suspiciously. I assumed the best of them both, and gave empathy for the rough time they were having.

Basically I am a student in my own class.

When Echo was moping around at the craft fair booth yesterday, hanging from my neck, whining, talking to me in ways I hated, complaining of the heat before the baking sunlight had even made it's way under our umbrella, I almost lost my shit. Almost. Then I remembered self-empathy! It sucks when your kid is hot and crabby and being lame. It's really hard! Week Two, secondary post!

Also yesterday, when Echo wouldn't let Xi have any of the grapes, I pulled at the tub and pried her little grubby fingers from the edge. I gave Xi some grapes and then remembered Nathan's post from last week about control. Oops. He says the more you attempt to exert it the more apparent you have made it that you have none. Echo was a pile of tears, and I soon realized that grapes were less an issue than my aggressive attempts to address the situation. Apologies, empathy, and self-empathy for my remorse followed.

Yep, it's best not to get too cocky about this sort of thing. 

Anyway, happy Monday. We're looking at some blogging, some Feeleez business, errands, and hopefully a dip in the river. What about you?

Oh! And also, we're still looking for votes in order to win the Mission Small Business grant. Feeleez could receive $250,000 from Chase Bank if we get 250 votes by Saturday. We currently have 130. About two hundred of you read this blog each day, if you all vote then we'll make it! (I know some of you have already voted, thank you!) Follow the link, click on "learn more", click "login and support", type in FEELEEZ and vote. Thank you!