I've been thinking about something lately.
Bella has been with us for a good chunk of Winter break, and because they are children, scratch that, because they are people living in close quarters, playing within three feet of each other for days on end, there have been times when Bella has lost her temper and lashed out emotionally against her sisters.
As a side note, I mention Bella in particular, not because she is the only one to get mad, she isn't, but because she is the child least indoctrinated with our kind of parenting. Bella's mother moved to a town 200 hours away a few years ago and because of this, the logistics of parenting plans and snowy highway miles, we see her less than we'd like - every other weekend, and holidays. Because she is parented quite differently at her other home, I am particularly sensitive to how our reactions to her feelings, or in particular, our reaction to her expression of those feelings come across.
In short Bella sometimes gets mad, and sometimes, instead of saying something like: HEY! I don't like your foot bonking into the doll I'm playing with! Will you please scoot over a bit?, she might use her body, or sarcasm, or a threat - basically all of the common reactions/expressions that ninety-eight percent of the population uses. Not often, but sometimes, she will use phrases like: Fine! Then I won't play with you! or, Oh, great, just when I had it all set up you ruined it!, maybe mixed in with a shove and a growl. By general family standards this is commonplace, normal, routine. But although it doesn't happen every time, and always less and less the more time she spends with us, in our house, a household so focused on empathy, patience, and honest expression, these phrases and actions are unsettling.
And here's the part I've been thinking about. When we talk to her about the way she is expressing her feelings the understanding she picks up is that the feeling itself is wrong, or at least not welcome here.
Oh dear.
No matter how clear we are: Bella, you are pretty mad huh? You really didn't like that. Echo didn't know her foot was bonking that doll and in any case you don't have to treat her that way. You can always just let her know how you are feeling and make a request... what she thinks we are saying is that her mad feelings are not founded or acceptable, and that she should feel something different. So the next time Echo's foot swerves toward the American Girl, Bella responds, not with an expressive request, but with a cinched down, boiling tea pot expression. And then she says: Fine. Go ahead. I don't care.
But she does care.
And I care. If you've read this blog at all you have picked up the idea that I'd like feelings to be okay, celebrated, and at the very least, expressed. But here, one of our very own children is getting the opposite message.
It's tricky to even get it clear in my own mind. All feelings are okay, but not all expressions of those feelings?
I want our girls to express their feelings without hurting anyone else's. I want them to feel safe expressing their feelings and know at the same time that others in her vicinity are physically safe as well. And beyond that, I want to be able to give them empathy even if I don't like how the feelings are coming out.
Those are lofty ideals and easy to imagine in theory, but the fact is, in practice, when we are mad, calmly stating, I am feeling really mad right now, and looking out for the emotional well-being of others is DIFFICULT. Motherfucker!, comes more easily. And I am speaking for myself here. If I find this difficult, as a emotionally mature thirty-four year old, what about a ten-year old? A sever-year old? A three-year old?
In the end, it must be a parent's job to be the bigger person and fight any immediate instinctual reactions in order to offer empathy first. No matter how ugly or offensive the particular emotional outburst might be. And then follow up with information (Your sister bonked you accidentally. Are you willing to talk to her first and make a request next time, instead of mistreating her like that?).
But if you aren't careful, ever so careful, you run the risk of sending an anti-feeling message instead. And from my own experience, taking extreme care still does not safeguard completely against accidentally communicating that some feelings are okay and others not.
It's a conundrum.
Scrolling through the archive I found this post about extreme empathy. Reading it was a helpful reminder. It talks about finding empathy for another person, even if they are acting like a complete asshole. Two helpful nuggets were:
- empathy does not not condone behavior
- empathy is a perspective not a prescription
And also that, by having empathy for someone that is acting in a disagreeable way you are not only doing them a favor. You are doing yourself a favor. You are giving yourself room to breathe, as well as an opportunity to relate to someone that you are in a relationship with.
I'd like to find a happy place, a sweet spot in which I support everyone's feelings, yet also support everyone else's right (including mine), to personal safety and humane treatment. I think it's possible. At the very least, it's good to remember that empathy is a proper accompaniment to either of these goals.
Recent Comments