Sand Eating, Sidewalk Licking... Curiosity or Defiance?

Straight from the inbox:

I have been meaning to write and ask for your help on an issue I am having with my daughter. She keeps testing me on certain things and I don't know how to react in an empathetic way. So I will give you a few examples.

1. We are at the park. She loves playing in the sand box. But now she is putting it in her mouth, and showing it to me, as if to show she is doing what she is not supposed to...and what am I going to do about it. So I ask her to stop. And then, I told her if she cannot play without eating the sand, we will have to leave until she is ready to play with the sand again. That felt so uncomfortable for me to do. I hate using consequences.

2. Another example. We are at the park, she lies down and starts to lick the ground. My reaction is the same as above. She stops, but I don't like myself for how I wasn't empathetic. But how can I be empathetic when I want her to stop, when what she is doing is not healthy or safe for her. 

3. Another example. She is running around, her shoe lace gets untied. I stop her and tie it back up. She tries to loosen it again. And we go back and fourth. I don't know how to deal with this since she will fall if her lace is untied. Thankfully we had a distraction that pulled her away from trying to continue untying the shoe (she saw a bird in the air).

What are your thoughts on this? How do you deal with these kind of situations using empathy? Clearly my daughter knows she shouldn't, but she is doing it to test me. I know just because of the way she looks at me when she is doing it. It's like she keeps doing it knowing that I don't want her to. Agh. What to do?

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I can picture the scenarios that you describe perfectly. They are almost universal I imagine! I can definitely give you my thoughts on these and hopefully you will feel free to use any parts that feel useful to you and your daughter. 

    

What seems to be happening is that there are two teams forming. Mom on one side saying no and implementing consequences, daughter on the other experimenting with sand (which is viewed by mother as "testing" or doing what child knows is wrong). More specifically: 

• You don't want her to eat sand. 
• You don't like it that she is doing it anyway. 
• You are concerned about her health. 
• You feel like she is defying you(?).

My guess is that she:

• Is curious about how different textures taste and feel.
• Is curious about your strong feelings regarding this.

Shifting the perception from "defiance" to "curiosity" will go a long way to ensure that empathy is even possible.

    

Empathy for her means stepping into the shoes of a young child, remembering that her mouth is a very useful tool in discovering things about her world. You can find empathy for simply liking how something feels, for enjoying oneself to the fullest. You can empathize with truly "knowing" a place inside and out, all the way down to how the sidewalk tastes! You can also empathize with her curiosity about your reaction. It must be pretty darn intriguing to her that when she puts sand in her mouth her mom has a big response.

    

This empathy will help you find connection with your daughter, will help you join sides, it will not make her stop eating sand. 

    

I think it will help to set this goal aside.

    

To impose a consequence in this situation, in my opinion is potentially damaging to your relationship (present and future). Your daughter probably does not connect eating sand with having to leave the park because there is no natural connection between these two. What she likely sees is her mother indiscriminately imposing her power. What is probably happening for you is that you are making a decision based on your feelings and reactions and carrying it out, disguised as consequence. 

    

Making her leave the park is a form of punishment and I do not believe that punishment works well for eliminating behaviors or fostering connection. Besides, there are innumerable places with dirt, sand, gravel, and all sorts of other gross things. Controlling her behavior by controlling the environment will prove fruitless in the end. There are consequences that happen naturally when one eats sand and it might be helpful to talk to her about these, or observe them when they are happening, as a way of imparting information.

    

Oh I see. You've put sand in your mouth. How is that? Pretty crunchy? Do you need some water to wash it down/out? Are you looking at me because you know I don't want you to do that? You're right. I am concerned about your belly. Sand isn't something that your body can use, it isn't food so your belly might have a hard time with it. I definitely would prefer you eat some of the snacks we brought.

The more neutral you can be in your response the less motivation she will have to eat sand as a way of witnessing a strong reaction from you. But if she still eats sand, this is where empathy comes in for you. 

(Internal dialog) Oh man. I HATE it when she does that! It feels so gross to me, and I am worried she will get sick, or that people will think I'm a bad mother. I said no and she's still doing it, that really pisses me off.... I get the heebie jeebies when I see that! Ugh. 

My hunch is that if there were not a restriction against putting sand in her mouth your daughter would do it a couple times, maybe more, and then be done with it. Furthermore I do not believe she will actually get sick. In my experience it is really difficult to convince a child of something when I can not convincingly explain why.

    

If she were running into a busy street I think you have full license to pick her up physically. I do not believe sand eating or sidewalk licking falls into this life-threatening category.

    

It might be worth it to look into your thoughts and feelings about your daughter doing something that you told her not to do. It is definitely part of current american culture that parents should "control their children" or when a parent says "no, they mean no!". Our society prizes blind obedience without looking forward to see what that obedience turns into. Let's remember that you want a free-thinking daughter, one that has her own mind and can not be easily influenced by others. You want a daughter that can think for herself, but also one that has natural empathy for others. This means helping her with that now by using/expressing empathy and avoiding unduly controlling her actions.

    

In my world I am careful not to lay down "the law" because my girl will almost always go in that direction, just because she has been told not to, and then I am stuck with the job of enforcing that law in some unsavory manner. If I stay on the same team we can work together to find a solution. 

    

As for the shoelace, you can try using empathy as you reach to tie it: Oh you're having so much fun you don't want to stop running for a second! I'll be super quick, I just want to tie this shoelace so that you stay safe while you are running. If she really doesn't want it tied leave it untied. If she does fall, hold her and kiss her just like you would when she gets hurt in other situations. After that you can mention the shoelace: You know I think this shoelace might have tripped you up a bit. Shall we tie it so that you stay safe?

That really is the rub of parenting, you can't actually make them do anything. You can try, but I think it comes with a great cost to the relationship and to influencing their behavior in the long run. So you will be at the park grimacing as she licks something you'd rather she didn't, and cringing as she runs with a loose shoelace. And that will be hard. But it is worth it.

    

Want more? Here is Nathan's take on making kids do things. And more from me.

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Comments

[Mahala]

Let her eat it and say something like, "Mmm, I'll bet that tastes good." Making a deal out of it makes it more fun to do. Let her lick the sidewalk and if she asks for water to wash her mouth, first take her home before giving her water. It would stop me. Lastly, let her trip on her shoelace. Natural consequences from her actions. That's all.

[kris laroche]

I also notice that when I am giving myself empathy I can work myself into MORE of a tizzy when I think thoughts that are doomsday and fearful. I can recognize that I'm feeling freaked out by her eating sand or drinking bathwater, and then I challenge myself lovingly because I am making assumptions that may not be true. Is she for sure going to get sick? Does she always get sick when she does this? What am I afraid of really. And then...reminding yourself that NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, you will handle it. If she gets sick, you can handle it. If she falls and hurts herself, you can handle it. I often think it is my own lack of resilience which is the real crux of the matter. My own lack of faith in myself. xxoo

[Natalie]

I never thought of that angle Kris. Veeeeeery interesting...

[Common Sense Mom]

Kris- YES!! Yes and Yes. Thank you for pointing that out. I am very germ-phobic and I know this is why I freak out when my son wants to put something gross in his mouth (even his own fingers). Totally a lack of confidence that I can handle a vomiting/feverish child.