Does This Count as Hate Mail?

The latest issue of Mothering is out (sadly only as an online version since the magazine is transitioning to an online community instead. So sad.) and there were two letters about my article. f you haven't read it and want to, scroll down to yesterday's post. One letter was amazing and uplifting. The other? Well.. I kinda cringed when I read it. 

I was moved to tears by "Build an Emotionally Safe Home", by Natalie Christensen -- tears of frustration. If '"feelings are everything,' as the article's opening sentence states, then why should we parents whitewash our feelings and reactions toward our children? For me, cradling my sobbing baby and making comforting noises (something readers are advised against) is only natural. Telling her, "You seem so sad about x" (which the article recommends instead) falls flat. Praising her for getting through a potentially scary situation, like a trip to the dentist, feels right (though the article says I should resist doing this). Asking her instead t, "How was it for you?" (the recommended response) seems more like a caption for a New Yorker cartoon than a way to engage my child. I can't help it -- I parent with exclamation points!

The only bit of advice I agree with -- is last on the list, and flies in the face of all the tamping down the article recommends up to that point. "By expressing your own true emotions you can model what you'd like to see from her", Christensen writes. Excellent point! Well said! I agree! Oh, wait. Sorry. Ms. Christensen, how was it for you?

AMY LOVETT

Troy, New York

Yikes! All kinds of emotions came up for me when I read this, defensiveness and sadness were at the top of the list. Sadness I dispatched almost immediately, after all I kind of expected folks to be triggered by the article and putting my thoughts out there makes me fair game for criticism. The defensiveness was/is a little trickier. I do not believe that explaining myself to Amy Lovett from Troy, New York will improve matters between she and I. Her feathers are too ruffled to see my point of view (I am assuming) but a nagging concern as I thought about this throughout the day was that you, my dear readers might also be confused by a seeming contradiction.

Perhaps it's best to take this point by point.

First things first. Nothing in life, especially parenting, is completely either/or. I am saying that it is helpful to express your emotions and I am also saying its best to keep your opinions, often disguised as emotions, about your child's feelings and reactions, to yourself. This is not a contradiction. It makes common sense if you are considering the emotional well-being of the child.

Just as it would be harmful to express your emotions about your husband's mistress... one must NEVER say the following right?

Son: What's wrong Mommy?

Mother: Oh, honey, I'm just upset about Laura Knudsen. I hate that bitch! She has been sleeping with your father for three years and I JUST WANT TO KILL HER! I am so freaking pissed off right now!!!!

It is also harmful, in a different way, to share your feelings about your children's feelings. Though you may feel bothered, proud, or irked about how your son or daughter is handling a play date, a skinned knee, or a doctors appointment, it is not helpful to express it. It isn't helpful for their emotional development. That is to say if you want your home to be emotionally safe, a home where children are free to express the full range of their emotions you must remove your powerful, influential opinion from this particular arena.

There are COUNTLESS other opportunities for a parent to express themselves fully. Burnt toast, a parking ticket, love for their children, a sunny day, a gift, a good bowl of ice cream, you name it. Be emotional about your own life but stay out of their emotional life.

To address the letter's other specific points.

    Shushing.

I recommend against it. No I am not against comforting and cradling. I am against using words or sounds that indicate to the child that it is time to stop crying. If you can make a distinction between the two, or more importantly if your child is able to make the distinction between comforting and encouraging the end of sobbing, you can make any sounds you want. But what I fear is that too often the distinction, that crucial distinction, is blurred. A mother could easily justify controlling her child's emotions by conveniently shoving it under the umbrella of "comfort". And a child could easily confuse a comforting sound with a directive sound.

    Praising a child through a difficult situation.

There are no bones about it, I am completely and totally against this. I am not alone in my opinion on this one. There is science to back up the detriments of praise. If you haven't yet, please read Alfie Kohn's Unconditional Parenting. At the very least praise acts as a behavior modification (though not very well. Read Alfie!) and when it is applied toward a child's emotional behavior the results are decidedly not an emotionally safe environment. Praise means "good" and it doesn't take long for kids to figure out that if they are praised for one set of emotional behaviors, for instance being brave at the dentist, that that set of emotions is "good". Which also means, by kid logic, that other emotions are "not good", "bad", or simply "not pleasing to mom". If a child is having to do these calculations in their mind they are not in a safe emotional environment.

But let's look more closely at the dentist example. What is a parent really trying to say when they say: 

Good job! You did so good at the dentist today. You were so brave and I am so proud of you.

I do not think that parents are actually meaning to compliment the mechanics of the situation -- the child's physical ability to hold back tears, or sit in a chair, or open their mouths. So what is the good job they are supposedly doing? I think there are two causes for this phrase (or a combination of the two):

Option One. The parent appreciates the docile, quiet, behavior of the child. She feels so relieved that they made it out of the dentist appointment without major tears or a tantrum and wants to praise this behavior, to let her child know that this behavior worked well. The parent hopes to elicit this behavior again in the future by rewarding it with praise and affection now. This results in: Good job! 

This technique is possibly the most championed in the parenting world. I recommend against it because it doesn't work. (Please read Alfie!) I also recommend against it because no matter what the intention is behind these words they communicate that there is a spectrum of approval and disapproval for emotional behaviors.

Option Two: The parent feels overwhelmed with relief and happiness that the dentist appointment is over and that the child is okay. They feel intense love and a gush of affection and want to express that. This coctail of emotions in the heart of the parent results in: Good job!

A parental reaction of this sort makes perfect sense, and our society uses Good job! to communicate this reaction, so there is no wonder that a parent would reach for these words. But the hole a parent falls into when choosing to express these emotions with praise, or to comfort with praise, is that their words tell the child that not crying, that acting brave even when scared, is "good'. This is risky because it isn't a great leap for the child to then assume that crying, and acting/feeling scared are "bad", that to express these feelings is not a "good job".

What makes more sense to me is to ask the child how the appointment was for them before assuming anything and jumping straight to praise. And yes, perhaps the phrase "How was it for you?" does sound "like a caption for a New Yorker cartoon" but only if the parent is assuming the appointment was nightmarish, and only if the parent is a sarcastic and cynical one. If you truly do wonder if the child was scared, if they feel pain, if they feel happy about the new toothbrush-- if you really are curious about this then the phrase "How was it for you?" is authentic, and leaves room for the child to sort through their own reaction to a possibly intense experience. Under these circumstances the phrase becomes deeply considerate. 

Once the child's reaction has been ascertained, by all means "parent with exclamations". Express all of the feelings that prompted Good job in the first place.

Oh honey. I am so glad you had a good time. I was concerned you would be scared, so I'm relieved to know that you had fun. Oh I love you so much! Do you like the new toothbrush? It's very pink isn't it! 

Feel free to add exclamatory hugs and kisses as well. No matter what happened at the dentist.

 

 

Comments

[Amy McGregor]

Wow. Being criticized is really hard.

I really love the distinction you made between shushing and making soothing sounds to a crying child. When Imogen cries my first response is "oh baby, Oh baby!" When I hear people shushing it makes me cringe- it IS a directive sound! "This is making me and probably other people around us uncomfortable so pleeeeeeeese be quiet." I used to tell Maddie, "Let's take some deeeeep breathes, okay?" I'm doing my best to stop this response because I can recognize that it is a reaction to feeling squirmy that she is crying so loudly in a public place. I want it to be okay that she is upset/hurt. If we expect them to swallow the tears down NOW, what will happen when they are overwhelmed with emotion when they are teenagers... adults?!?! That's a big reason why our society is so [email protected]#%ed up.

One reason why this person may have felt compelled to lash out at you is that empathetic parenting is HARD! We have been programmed to responded to each other in another way and getting to that point can be really difficult and not feel genuine at first. But that fact that "good job not crying at the dentist" does feel genuine is a problem- we really need to look at that as parents.

It is REALLY hard though! Not to say "good job!" and "you're the best artist in the whole world!" and "calm down, sweetie" because all of those responses come from presumably good intentions.

I'm sorry she disapproved of your article Natalie. That's really hard to take when you know so much about the subject you are writing about. Thank you for being such a strong advocate for children.

love,
Amy

[Natalie]

Amy-
Thanks for your words of encouragement. About the "shushing" and feeling squirmy. I find myself hoping for a quick version to the crying when we are in public too, but what I forget is that if I go straight to pure empathy right away the crying naturally stops really quick. It's when I attempt to distract or talk Echo out of feeling upset that the crying increases- both in length and duration. Love ya.

[Monica]

Well, I agree with you completely. I'm not an advocate for much in the parenting world, the main thing is to parent intuitively. Too many directives for parents these days. But one thing I do advocate is allowing to cry, to express emotions.

I do understand though, where Amy was coming from. Like me, she is an emotional/expressive person. A phrase like 'how was it for you?' is cold and dry. A parent like us feels like we're playing a sterile psychologist's role, rather than being a loving parent.

I think what would help parents, who have been brought up to believe that praise and shushing are loving responses, is to understand that such phrases (how was it for you?) are only the most direct suggestions. That the parent's unique voice can shine through, and thereby be truly authentic.

[Natalie]

Very true Monica.

[jessie stevens hess]

Hi Natalie,

Thank you for posting the letter. While I do not think it qualifies as hate mail- I do believe it encourages important dialog that we all learn from. Also, awesome work being published. That is an achievement.

I read your article and as much as I love Alfie kohn, I do believe that just like religion, politics and just about any other philosophy, that parenting methods should not be followed absolutely. Also I think in books, articles and blogs ideas are presented without the needed debate ( which happens in conversation )to reveal the complexities of real life application. Parents must learn from their children and guide them they way that makes the most sense to them.

An example, I "shush " my daughter (7)when she is sick, hurt, crying because I did when she was an infant. It has always been my understanding and intention that this sound mimics the sound of being in utero and therefor naturally calms a child. My girl often wants to be heard, felt and then helped to move past an emotional moment and wants/needs Mama to lead the way.I am not trying to stop the tears but understand she has intense feelings and sometimes wants help calming them. There is an important difference there. It is my hope that I am teaching her that expressing herself is totally acceptable and needing help coming back down is also totally acceptable.

As for the dentist- we were there last week! while olive had the gross floride thingy in her mouth looking at me for support- you better believe I said " I know it is pretty gross my sweet, hang in there, let's count to 30 and you will be done, you are doing great!" I am not teaching her behavior modification, I am teaching her that sometimes self care is a bitch but we do it anyway.

I love your ideas, blog, and stories. They have become part of what I weave into my parenting quilt- but not exclusively.I love to remind myself that every generation has a new revolutionary way of parenting that is then rebelled against and shunned. It helps me not take myself so seriously and sit back and enjoy.

[kris laroche]

o boy. So much to say to all of this. Parenting is probably the most daring subject to take a stand on and i am profoundly grateful that you, dear Natalie, are willing to do so. Without your voice, putting time and energy and heart (with NO PAY INVOLVED by the way) into going public and giving examples (which i know goes so much against your natural instinct), then millions of parents who know deep inside that there MUST BE A DIFFERENT WAY than practically everything they see all around them (control and coercion), have a chance to hear their own intuitive wisdom. This wisdom centers on universal truths, not just "styles" of parenting, to be sure. We can raise children who easily chuck every self-help book on the shelf because they know they are loved and know how to love others. Thank you for your fearless leadership.

[Natalie]

Hi Jess,
I think the point that you and Monica are making is an important one. Each mother/parent must decide for themselves what "moves" are best. Nothing I say is meant to be a direct prescription and I always hope against hope that anyone who chooses to use these ideas will blend them with their own experience and especially with their unique understanding of what their child needs.
I love the image of a parenting quilt.
xo

[Natalie]

Kris,
Daring? I guess so. Sometimes it just feels foolish to say anything about parenting, not only because it is so personal but also because everyone that has a child is likely to feel strongly about whatever you might say. That's a lot of people to potentially offend! Or to help. My nerve varies day to day. If I receive any negativity at all I feel like packing up the whole thing and parenting in the privacy of my own home, not the very public world of the internet. Other days, when I receive positive feedback, or when it just feels good to express something that is going on for me, I am so glad for the blog medium and feel like I will do this until I'm a senior citizen.

[Rachel]

Thank you, Natalie, for another inspiring post. I still struggle despite my fervent intentions with the shushing and "good jobs" that pop out of my mouth without warning, so this is a good reminder for why I keep changing my heart and changing my actions.

Also, can I just take a space here to say that I am so weary, so sad about the vast majority of the parenting resources out there? Every time I come here or read someone like Alfie Kohn, I feel like I'm coming up for air or stepping into a quiet meadow. Things finally make SENSE and feel WHOLE. It's gotten to the point where I end up feeling depressed on behalf of virtually every child I meet because I know the "measures" their parents are taking to control and manipulate them. I'm searching for a way to focus on the joy of parenting my own little one without being overwhelmed with compassion for all the squelched little spirits out there...and that's really difficult.