Stalling Tactics

I've been a little slow on the draw lately. The girls get into a tussle, well to be exact, lately Echo intimidates, threatens, licks, spits on, or pokes Xi, and I can't get my brain or my mouth into action. I stand at the kitchen sink watching the whole thing go down, completely mute and stupid in the head.

I don't know why. Lack of sleep? Time of the month? Thinking about other things (like a tropical island and blue drinks)? Who knows.

I used to think a parent had to pounce at just the right moment, like training a dog (cringe), and say the right thing at just the right moment. I figured the point was to stop the child in their tracks and effect a different outcome than the one they were heading for. Child threatening older sister with a pencil? Bark a command/threat! Child dragging sharp thing across newly refinished hardwood floors? Shout sound of displeasure! Basically I thought that the world would end if I did not jump in at that crux moment. I thought my parenting power depended on quick reflexes.

Well, I was wrong.

I think we can generally agree that the first thing to somersault out of our mouths is not usually a thought-out one. Conditioned responses, usually meaning whatever our mothers said to us, are usually the first in line to pop out when we face stress. And the fact of the matter is that a day with children is peppered with little moments of mini-stress, so if we aren't careful, and allow our auto-pilot minds to shriek the very first conditioned response, we will have spent the entire day saying things our rational, thoughtful, careful mind disagrees with. 

Lately I haven't had a choice, I couldn't be quick to spout out anything even if I wanted to. My mind and mouth are filled with molasses. But I have found that taking the time to dry my hands off, walk slowly toward the scuffle, clear my throat and gather my wits is to our benefit. As it turns out addressing the situation after the older sister has been licked unwillingly by the younger one is still effective, is even more effective. The automatic, conditioned bark/shout/yell/threaten response cause the children to scatter like cockroaches, to scramble and panic and defend. The casual, slow, calm, thought-out response causes none of this. If I am not threatening, they do not feel threatened, and thus can actually hear what it is I'm going to say.

And even after I've stalled and taken my time (relatively speaking) getting to the scene of the crime, I often still don't know what to say. Empathy is a great "go-to" when I've got nothing else up my sleeve. "Crap, you didn't like getting licked. You don't want her to lick you anymore. You feel mad that she licked you even though you said no... Echo she really doesn't want you to lick her. She wants to be able to say what happens to her body and for you to respect that..." And often this is enough. Often this is more than enough to change the situation, to loosen their grip on the argument, to breathe air into the tension. But sometimes afterward, they want something more, and sometimes my muck-filled brain can't think of anything else.

So I stall again. Well it can't really be called stalling because it's more like stopping. I admit to myself and to them, that I don't know what to do. Last night Echo wanted to sit by Xi and Xi wanted to sit alone. I don't know what to do about that kind of thing. There is no precedent or rational reason why one position makes more sense than the other. So after empathy and a good "hearing out" of the scene, Xi said: " So Nallie what do we DO about that?" And I had no idea, so I said: "I don't know what to do about that. What do we do guys?"

They colored and played and revisited the conversation every now and then and without my opening my mouth again they had devised a scheme to sit together while coloring and then separate for dinner. 

Moms don't have to know the answer. 

They also don't have to jump in like a lifeguard, throwing giant threat-stuffed preservers to save the day. A slow, steady amble is fine, and a genuine concern for all feelings involved is more than enough.

Now if only the day would stay saved...

 

Comments

[Jennifer Kaczmarek]

Really thoughtful post, Natalie. Challenges my assumptions (that I don't think I knew I had) about needing to jump in all the time and be the big Fixer ... thank you for opening up a new perspective ...

Jennifer

[Nathan]

Even as a non-parent, I feel like this is helpful to me! My brain is a bit molassesy these days, too. And I like the reminder that I can say, "I don't know." <3

[kris laroche]

amen.

[Tabitha]

Very helpful post.Good food for thought about not always having to jump right in.It sometimes scares me how many conditioned responses I actualy have.Will be working on this one for sure.

[natalie]

Nathan,
Yes I think waiting a beat before saying anything can help anyone in any situation. So much changes in a moment.
Kris- uh huh.
Tabitha,
I agree. When you start to look more closely it's a wonder we have any original/thought out responses at all! But as soon as you look they change to a less conditioned response. So that's a relief.