Switch

Transition. This is a beefy topic. How do I transition from the parenting I have been doing to parenting with empathy as the foundation? But before I answer this question let me throw out a disclaimer.

I parent with empathy because it feels good to me, it feels "right" down to the bottom of my soul, and it works. But what I think of as "working" is different than Super Nanny's idea, or the neighbor's idea. I use connection, respect, and cooperation as barometers of our parenting success, not obedience. So that's something to consider. If you are looking for kids that jump when you say jump don't even consider following my advice. If you are looking to be on the same team as your child, to talk through situations and find compromises that meet the needs of everyone in the family (not just the parents) then read on.

I say the topic of transition is a beefy one because there is a lot involved when moving from praise and punishment or control/coercion to empathy and information. And when I say a lot, I mean a lot. I mean every single aspect of your day, your self, and your relationship with your children will change. 

Its also beefy because no two transitions look the same. We transitioned to this kind of parenting when Bella was four and Xi was a baby. It was easy and a relief. So I can't draw on my own experience to detail the workings of transition when children are older. What I have compiled below is gathered from our experience and from friends that have made the transition. If you have experience with this please comment and together we can shine a light down this path for others to follow.

Transition: 

• Get hubby on board.

It is incredibly helpful to have your parenting partner on board. In fact it is helpful to have as many supportive family members involved as possible. Alfie Kohn's Unconditional Parenting is a good starting point, and especially persuasive to the statistical, fact-finding types as it lays out research and proof. I don't have any studies to refer to but in my experience husbands really like that sort of thing. 

I also made a couple of copies of some main points to share with the grandparents, not as a way to convert them but mostly so that I didn't have to explain my parenting while I was parenting. When children are having a hard time, and others are accustomed to you ushering them into timeout, counting to three, or meting out consequences, it will confuse those folks when you bend down instead and rub a back, wipe some tears and talk. A brief explanation that there is research behind your moves, as well as conscious thought-out decisions, will go a long way in garnering support. 

• Hold a Pow Wow with the Kids

It's a good idea to give your children warning before completely switching your reactions to their emotions and behavior. Bella was four so we kept our explanation simple. We said: Bella, we are thinking of doing things differently from now on. We aren't going to do timeouts anymore. When we have trouble we are going to talk instead. And we left it at that. Other phrases I might suggest are: working as a team, no more punishments, talking things out, no more "in trouble" moments, etc.

 In my experience this part is easy. Children generally welcome this kind of change. 

• Expect Complete and Total Chaos

Its going to be a little muddy at first. In essence you are moving from opposing teams to the same team and it might take a long time before the necessary trust is in place. Using empathy again and again, instead of punishment, will build the sense of "same team" and the more consistent you are with empathy the quicker this process will go. But until trust is in place your children will act and express themselves as though they are still on the other team. It will take time for them to realize that they can be honest, that they can express the full range of their expressions, without a parent responding with a "consequence".

    Example of a child's response when trust is not yet in place:

Nicholas: Mom!! Ezra hit me!

Ezra: No I didn't! 

Mom (reaching for empathy instead of punishment): Oh darn are you guys okay? Are you okay Nicholas?

Nicholas (hoping Ezra will be punished): No. I wasn't even doing anything and he hit me!

Ezra (fearing punishment): No I didn't!

Mom: Ouch. That must have been confusing and painful huh? Ezra are you okay? Were you feeling mad? What was going on for you?

Ezra (still fearing punishment): I didn't do ANYTHING! He pushed me.

    Example of a similar situation with trust in place:

Xi: Ouch Echo! I don't like that!

Me: What happened? Are you guys okay?

Xi: Yeah. But Echo hit me and I didn't like it.

Me: Oh shoot. What happened for you Echo?

Echo: Well I got mad at her so I hit her in her arm! And then I tried to kick her but I missed.

Me: Oh. Are you still mad?...

This time period will also include moments where you use empathy for a while and then you forget to use empathy and slide back into old responses. There will be intense exchanges and thoughts like: This isn't working!, and you will reach for what you have done before. There will be times when your partner doubts the merits of the transition too, and doubt creeps in.

There is no way of knowing how long this period will last, but consistency, support, and self-empathy during tough times will speed things along.

• Also Expect Miracles

Empathy still baffles me. The power it has to completely melt situations into manageable and enjoyable pieces stuns me every single day. Although I have described utter chaos in the paragraphs above, do not be surprised if empathy slides into parts of your life almost imperceptibly and acts like a magic wand.

• No Matter What Choose Empathy Anyway

Even if your kids haven't completely absorbed the change in "partylines" it is important to lead the way. 

    Example from the "old way":

Girl: Dad! That's not where my coat goes! You hung it on the wrong hook! Waaaah! (Hits Dad in leg).

Dad: Sam. We don't hit. Stop it. You're a big girl. You're old enough to hang your own coat. It isn't even my job it should be yours. 

Girl: (crying and angry) No! You do it! Put it where it goes!

Dad: We don't talk to Daddy like that and we don't hit. I'm going to count to three and if you haven't hung your coat up and act like a big girl you're getting a time out.

Instead

Girl: Dad! That's not where my coat goes! You hung it on the wrong hook! Waaaah! (Hits Dad in leg).

Dad: Woah! You are super upset huh? I don't usually hang the coat up so I didn't know it had a special place. Is it important to you that it hangs in the same place every time?

Girl: Yes.

Dad: Well I can handle that, but next time will you help me by letting me know with words? I'm always willing to help you but I definitely don't like you hitting my leg.

Girl: Well you were putting it on the wrong hook.

Dad: Yeah, I was. But we can always work something like that out together without hitting. Will you show me the hook you like to use?   

•  Find Your Self-confidence

It is essential, when parenting with empathy to be "the bigger person", to reach for empathy and set that in place regardless. As in the example above it can be tricky to see each moment as an opportunity for empathy not as a victim-like moment for the parent. If your confidence is low, parenting with empathy can be confused with "let the kids mistreat you and do whatever they want". Finding self-confidence will allow you to explain how the child's actions contribute to your feelings from a centered place, it will allow you to find empathy and offer it while maintaining your own boundaries. The Dad in the example above doesn't like being hit and lets his daughter know in an informative way. He offers empathy and finds a solution while preserving his own sense of value and worth.

It is also helpful to find and booster your self-confidence in preparation for parenting upstream. In all likelihood, unless you are super fortunate, many of the parents around you will not be parenting in the same way.  

• Identify Your Triggers

We all have triggers, circumstances under which we see red. I have a hard time finding empathy for my kids when I have to pee, when I'm hungry, or when I am distracted/worried about something else. It is helpful to know this about myself because I can then see difficulty coming down the pike. If I can see the trouble coming I can quickly dart to the bathroom, grab a cup of water en route to the disturbance, or offer myself self-empathy for my mental concerns, thereby improving my chances to parent with empathy instead of lashing out.

• See Things Through

There are times when I see no light at the end of the tunnel, situations so disastrous that I worry that there will be no way to get out with our family integrity in tact. It doesn't happen often but when it does happen, I feel so triggered that I have my doubts and fantasize about drastic punishment. But I/we push on through with empathy anyway. 

Example: 

Our family is sitting down to dinner and Echo decides she wants to adjust the lighting. She gets down from the table, even though we explain we'd rather she stay at the table. We also explain that we'd like the lights to stay as they are, but she ignores this.

Echo: I just need to turn them down a little bit.

Me: Echo I really want the lights to stay as they are.

Echo turns the lights off.

Nathan: Coco. We need the lights to see what we are eating.

Echo turns them on a little.

Me: Thanks Echo. Can you turn them up a little more?

Echo turns them down. Then she turns them way up. 

Nathan and I: Echo! That really isn't working for us. I'm starting to feel sick with all of the switching back and forth. Please leave them on!

More flickering.

Me: Echo! I'm serious! I want the lights to stay on during dinner.

At this point Echo goes systematically through the house and turns ALL OF THE LIGHTS OFF. And I have steam coming out of my ears. I want to grab her, yell, make her do what I want. But instead I gather my wits and start over with empathy and information.

Me: Okay, so you really want the lights off. And we really want the lights on. The up and down makes me kind of dizzy and then I feel sick in my stomach. Can you talk to me about your plan and what you want?

Echo: I want all of the lights off so that it is super spooky!

Me: Well can we finish eating with the lights on and then after dinner I will help you turn everything off, even the computer screen, and we can have a totally dark spooky time?

Echo: And I can run around with the light-up wand?

Me: Yes.

Echo: Okay!

It always works. And this is what I remember when I am tempted to grab, yell, or choose something else besides empathy.

• Use it with Each Other, Use it with Everybody

Empathy is not just for kids. It works elsewhere too and if you use it with the other people in your life your children will see that. Empathy will become a normal way of not only relating to the family but to the world at large.

****

This is the kind of post that I know isn't finished. I will walk the dog later and think up three other things to add, but it's a start. It's a conversation. 

Last night when Echo declared she didn't like Xi anymore and then threw her fork at her I was reminded that no matter what parenting method we use, kids will still feel strong feelings. They will still make disturbances at the dinner table. Forks, at some point, will still be thrown. I can't promise you that if you respond to your children with empathy all of the cutlery will remain on the table, forever. But I can promise you that the soil of your relationship will be rich, that you will sleep at night knowing that your actions and responses, did not carve away at that structure and undermine its roots, but instead contributed much needed vitamins and minerals. 

ps. If you want or need more extensive help come visit us, or seek out one-on-one coaching with Nathan ([email protected]). 

Comments

[Kristanne]

Similarly to your fan from Troy, NY, your words have brought me to tears. Not tears of frustration, but tears of exhaustion, exasperation, regret and understanding. The feelings I have are so wound together and complicated that they are difficult to verbalise.
I know what to do with my kids. I know intellectually. But it is simply not enough to diffuse that emotional charge. So often I feel stuck in these steps that you describe. I can parent with empathy in one situation, but it falls flat in another. And then I understand why I am not getting results. It's because I am not consistent and I haven't built the trust.
The chaos period seems to be going on for over a year and a half. It is absolutely gruelling. I so often think that "this isn't working" and surrender is all I have left.
I wonder why I am stuck. Is it because my husband and I have no support and we're tired? Is it because my parents didn't parent this way so I have no example? Is it because I am a slow learner? Is it because my brain hasn't fully developed empathetic neural connections?
To say this whole parenting gig is hard would be the understatement of the century. I am desperate for some relief. But I just keep plugging along because there is no other option. I want SO much to enjoy my beautiful children, to laugh and smile genuinely.

[Natalie]

Oh Kristanne,
You sound so ready for some relief. So tired and sorrowful. It is hard isn't it? Your hopes to enjoy your beautiful children, to laugh, and smile genuinely seems to me a modest and humble goal, one you certainly deserve to achieve. I admire your tenacity. 16 months is a long time.
Visiting us is an option. http://talkfeeleez.typepad.com/talk-feeleez/2011/03/come-on-over.html
And coaching with Nathan can bring great hope and progress - [email protected]
And reaching out to this community is certainly a fine start.
xoxo

[kris laroche]

O Kristanne:
I want to offer up more empathy to you as well. It is SO hard...and in your questioning why it's hard for you I hear an undercurrent of such strong self-judgment...like something must be wrong with you to not be "getting it". Oh love. That is the tender, gaping wound which is so painful. That place of wanting something to be different and giving it everything you feel you have and caring so much and still thinking that you are "failing" or disappointed or sad and lonely with all of it. Those feelings are searing. I am taking a big breath as I write this and feel so much for you. I sense that self-empathy may be the most vital part of all of this for you. Feeling deeply into those sore, sad places and being with all of you so that you immerse yourself in your own loving acceptance. Nathan and Natalie are amazing and if you choose to spend any time with either or both of them, you will get to experience all that empathy towards YOU. It is transformative. I wish you love. xxxooo kris