Friendly Brain

My kids are arguing right now. The seven-year old is doing some eye-rolling, with attitude to the sky, and irritable utterances. The three-year old is making unreasonable demands and setting her voice at a permanent aggressive whine. Now they say: Hey Mama? Can you help us? And I don't want to because I am irritated, so I am stalling and typing more of my sentence, and now they say: MAMAAAA! and I try my hardest not to leap at them like a demon in rage.

But I have had some powerful ideas sink in lately so instead I hop up from the computer, walk toward them and say: What's up my sweet darlings? What do you need? And after empathy and the situation dissolving I say: Shall we make whip cream?

Maybe I should back up a bit. For starters, yes it is morning time and I know whip cream sounds totally insane under the circumstances but, a. we have some fresh raw farmer's milk that comes with cream on the top of course. b. we only have about a day before the cream turns sour. c. whipped raw cream plus vanilla is a treat that kids go crazy for and is good for them in like a gazillion different ways. But, whip cream aside, the more important part of my reaction is my recent re-awareness that my thoughts create my feelings and my feelings orchestrate/design my life. 

If I spend time tallying up all of the ways in which my kids have been a total drag this morning I will in essence create more drag. If I collect all of the tiny quarrels and stack them in a pile so that I can tell Nathan, when he gets home from work, how difficult the kids have been today, Universal Law has it that we will have a difficult day today, and other days as well. 

The mental descriptions I make on a moment to moment basis affect how I feel about those moments, and certainly affect how I feel about the girls. Well guess what? I want to feel good about my moments, about my girls, and about my life, and I am realizing more and more that I have a choice in these matters. 

In this moment for example, I could see my kids as crabby and sleep deprived, I could tell myself how sick and tired I am of the quibbling and the constant need for a referee. And I can quite easily imagine the feelings that would arrive with those thoughts. Frustration. Irritation. Desperation. A giant sense of woe. Well... I don't want those feelings. I don't. And whereas before I thought feelings were simply effects that took me over for a bit, and that were my duty to honor and feel into completely. I now see them as an effect of my thoughts. And thoughts arrive like a fork in the road, one or more paths that are simply choices.

So as I sat at the computer and the girls began their sibling dance of disgruntlement, I took a moment to toss aside the "oh great, here we go again" thoughts, and forced myself, guided myself with gentle reminders to see this moment as just that, an isolated moment. To see their outbursts as strong feelings, as passion, not as expressions of disagreeable temperaments. To see them as people capable of a wide range of capability and possibility.

I still helped them of course. In this case the issue was that Echo, for reasons unknown to all, was choosing to join Xi on the same chair while Xi colored. A choice Xi disagreed with because she could not identify which pens to choose because the sunlight was blocked by Echo's claustrophobic position. I listened mostly. And when Echo was accidentally smacked in the chin when Xi pulled off the cap of a pen, I held her close. And as is so often the case with empathy, the dispute dissipated of it's own accord. But what matters more is that in my head I was choosing the path of helpful thoughts, freeing myself and everyone else involved to have an enjoyable morning.

Unhelpful thoughts: Man! Echo is in such a lame mood these days. It seems like she is choosing to do things just because it will bother others. I mean WTF, why is she even wanting to squeeze into the very same chair!!! And Xi isn't helping at all. I mean she is totally making that up about not being able to see the pens. Come on! It's not like it's actually dark just because Echo is on the side of the window. Man, when Nathan gets home I am going to tell him how "off" the girls seem and how tired I am of it. I mean this morning Echo woke me up by hitting me in the back. So lame! Ugh. I dread a day that goes like this. Why can't they just play like normal kids? Why does every single little thing have to be a dispute?

Helpful thoughts: Okay. I'm feeling irritated by this... but how do I want this day to go?... Alright so they disagree with the pen/chair/body position. These sweet girls. Echo likes Xi so much that she wants to be as close to her as possible. Ah, little sisters, so certain that whatever the older sister is doing is the most interesting and cool thing on the planet. And Xi! So sweet to even consider sharing that tight space with Echo. Blocked sunlight, I can relate to that, when I draw I feel like choosing the right color is a huge decision. Oh ouch, Echo is so close that just taking off a pen cap means that she gets punched in the chin. Poor little girl. Maybe we need a little fun around here, something unusual and special. Whip cream project?...

Of course this line of thinking applies to all parts of my life, not just my family life. It means that if I want to create more of what I actually want, and less of what I don't want, I must be vigilant with my thoughts at all times. A helpful rule to remind me is to not complain. I started by trying to go one week without complaining either silently to myself or out-loud to someone else, but after the week was up I realized how powerful this simple act, or non-act could be. When I didn't allow myself to talk about the negative aspects of anything, I had to think around those negative thoughts. As soon as I thought other thoughts, those thoughts became positive and so did my life.

So I'm keeping it up. It's good for me.

Nathan and I are even taking this idea so far as to influence our entertainment choices. I love dark, gritty movies, full of suspense and forays into the underbelly of society. But guess what? This means I go to bed with anxious thoughts and feelings, dark images and adrenaline. And then I dream along these lines all night long. It doesn't take a genius to guess that even though the source of my thoughts is fictitious, the effect of my thoughts could be very real.

So empathy, whip cream, and helpful thoughts. A recipe for a good morning and perhaps a good life as well.

Comments

[Amy McGregor]

As so often happens reading your blog, this one totally hits home right now. Tyson and I have gotten in DEEP with the negative attitude and complaining to each other about how the girls are "off". Like, every day. Many times a day.

The crazy thing is that we have some MAJOR money concerns right now and the house is a total sty and I just talked to the girl's dad about sharing summer break and I'm stressed about school and Tyson hates work and I'm addicted to sugar, coffee, and computer in no particular order... sooooo-- it's really interesting that what comes up more often then not is how the girls are off.

We need to majorly reestablish what we want for our family. So THAT'S why I called "The Man" (Nathan). I've got Spring fever and it's time for a change! So glad we have your lovely family to learn from and lean on when life kicks our ass. We *heart* you.

-Amy

p.s. this is the wrong post, but the girls and I are all sorry that Vanilla died and we thought your ceremony was beautiful and touching. Jaedyn felt especially sad because she had really enjoyed holding her. Jae says, "Vanilla was a great hamster..."

[annie]

love this thought train. it lives in the same vein of manifesting what you want. and whipped cream? yes! special, delicious, yum.
really i think i just want to write yes, yes yes!

[Annie]

yes! i am so with you. my son has been driving me nuts and it gets me into a yucky place. i don't want to feel yucky. and you remind me, so gently, that i don't have to be. thank you!

[Kristanne]

OK, this one's got me thinking. Do I really want negative feelings? Maybe I do.
I remember when my five-year-old was born, and so many around me were complaining about lack of sleep and the difficulty in raising newborns. All I could think about was how totally thrilled I was to have a baby.
But somehow that sense of optimism has passed.
For some reason now I consciously make a decision to not let on when my day's been good. For example, last night I had a pretty good night's sleep, but when my husband asked how I slept, I said "Oh, alright. Would have been good if it lasted a bit longer."
I gotta really decide on the type of energy that I want to surround me. I have to remind myself that it is not a competition about who's got it tougher.
As I said, you've got me thinking...

[Natalie]

Yes. I wonder if we try to add value to being a stay at home mom by portraying it as really difficult work. As if we are afraid it won't be considered "work" if we are having a good time, and therefore will not be appreciated by our spouses or anyone else. OR, it's possible that we want to avoid envy or that "she's got it so good" thing that women do to each other, by down-playing the joy and overplaying the struggle. OR we have grown so accustomed to finding community by commiserating with one another that we think that's the only way to connect. OR all of the above! In any case, it doesn't serve us and I don't think it serves anyone else either. We must find value in our "work" and find community in other ways. And the living small so as to avoid negative feelings thrown at us by others is something that should have died a long time ago.

[Blue]

As an unschooling parent of two daughters (age 11 & 7) who argue incessantly I am so relieved to have found your blog. I find that a morning squabble can send me into a downward spiral for the rest of the day and I do NOT want to live like this. Thank you for your insightful thoughts. I will certainly be back to read more...

[Joanna]

I do agree with this line of thinking mostly. I think we generate negativity in our heads, and thus coat the rest of our day with negativity. And, I believe making an effort to not let that happen is so important in most ways. But :) what about art? I too tend to lean towards depressing music, dark films and such. I like examining the underbelly, it seems real and interesting.
And, I sometimes walk away from these experiences feeling sad, melancholy, less hopeful even. But, I don't know if I want to give up those experiences. Hmmmm? It's tough. And music? I sometimes love listening to heavy, hard-core, screaming their guts out bands. It feels honest to me.

[Rachel]

Wow, Natalie- your comment here inspired me even more than the post itself! I am just humming with thought from the truth that I fluctuate between trying to show off what a great job I'm doing as a stay-at-home-mom by radiating joy and contentment to complaining about how rough my day was to my husband. Hmmm...why do I do that? And I definitely agree with the commiserating part- sometimes it seems so difficult to create any sense of intimacy with other moms WITHOUT admitting all kinds of failures and bathing in negativity. Why is it easier to bond over sorrows than joys? Hmmm. I think you're absolutely right and I'll be marinating in those ideas quite a bit now!

[natalie]

Hi Joanna,
I know what you mean about the muse of dark music, art, and movies. I do think that the melancholy state can be a productive one for an artist. I like sitting down to write when I am sighing. Love songs, dramatic posts, a good drawing, all of those things can come from that space of moody and broody. But I basically think it boils down to wether or not you can "afford" to go there. If you are loving how much your life is thriving, the abundance of everything in your life, then a Girl With the Dragon Tattoo binge is probably an "ok" bet. But if you've been dancing with hindering beliefs, and really struggling with how your life is currently unfolding, I might recommend an eighties comedy. I am simplifying of course, but do you see what I mean?

[natalie]

Yes Rachel. Isn't it interesting that line we walk? I think we come by it "naturally" since many of us Americans were taught that the whole yanking up by the bootstraps thing is what makes a person valuable, that skating through life easily is for spoiled brats and lazy oafs. And dumbing ourselves down, or dragging out our dirty laundry is a really common way to appear "real", down to earth, to avoid being seen as stuck-up or, god forbid, perfect. We are not taught that by living big others have room to live big too. That tooting our own horn makes beautiful music not enemies. Instead we are taught to blend in, to stay small and safely out of criticism's reach. But even though it may not be my fault, I don't like it, and don't want to live a mediocre, complaint-filled life.

[natalie]

Welcome Blue!

[Kristanne]

Been thinking about another aspect. Nat, do you think there's a fine line between consciously influencing our thoughts to be more positive vs being ungenuine? I know that its healthy for our children to see our full range of emotions as long as they feel safe and loved through them. But where does that fit into our efforts to project the way we want to feel and downplaying the negative?

[Nathan]

This is exactly what I needed to read today. Thank you Natalie! I've been wrestling with thinking more positively so as not to create MORE drama! For myself & others. Turns out, it's really hard! :) But it's helping & I'm having more lightness & fun. Thank you!

[Natalie]

Yeah Nathan! You're welcome!