Genuine?

I did a post the other day about Friendly Brain, in which I shared my realization that our thoughts create our feelings and our feelings create/design our reality, like one big sandwich of cause and event with feelings as the meat. 

One of the comments to this post was:

Been thinking about another aspect. Nat, do you think there's a fine line between consciously influencing our thoughts to be more positive vs being un-genuine? I know that its healthy for our children to see our full range of emotions as long as they feel safe and loved through them. But where does that fit into our efforts to project the way we want to feel and downplaying the negative?

I think it boils down to the cart and the horse. If you find yourself having to sugar-coat your emotional state by downplaying the negative you've got the horse hooked up to the wrong end of the cart. The thoughts come first, so if you are feeling negatively it is because you have had a series (lifetime?) of negative thoughts previously that delivered you directly to your current emotional state.

Once arrived at the current moment I  think we do ourselves a disservice by ignoring our emotions or by faking other emotions. Feelings pass most quickly by giving them the breath and room to wear themselves out and away, and we certainly do our children right by demonstrating a healthy expression of emotion, BUT, there is quicksand waiting for a misstep here. The sandwich doesn't just have two slices of bread with the meat in between, there are layers and layers of meat and bread and they never stop, stretching behind us and towering forever into the future. Not only is this moment the creation of previous moments' thoughts, it is also the designer of the next moments, so it is imperative to be mindful of the thoughts we attach to our emotional state no matter what it is.

Example:

Echo is screaming and writhing on the floor, pissed off because I opened the dresser drawer when she wanted to do that part herself. I have to pee (it's first thing in the morning) and I am cold (I haven't gotten a chance to fully dress yet) and there is a time crunch ( a lunch box for the 2nd grader lies empty on the counter and the minutes are ticking by).

What I say out loud is: You were wanting to do that yourself huh? I just jumped right in and did it for you without even asking. You like doing it yourself because you just learned that skill, huh? Are you mad and sad?...(etc. etc.) You know Echo, I'm feeling pretty frustrated right now because you wanted my help and I am here to help. But you aren't getting dressed or even letting me help you. I'm cold and anxious about getting Xi's lunch made in time. Can we do this part a little more quickly?

The usual: empathy and information.

But meanwhile there is an internal dialog going on and it is either helpful (designing future moments of more agreeable emotions and events) or not helpful (ensuring a more difficult morning and emotional states).

Helpful thoughts: Wow, this is not how I'd like this to go. I am freezing. I am irritated. I don't know exactly what's happening for Echo but I'd sure like to help her, salvage this moment, go pee, get warm, and get us back on a harmonious path...

Not helpful thoughts: Fuck! Why do mornings always have to be so difficult? I am practically naked, freezing, while my three-year old yells at me. Moms get so much flack. I'm basically held captive here, when I'd rather be peeing, meeting my basic needs! Every morning Echo finds some reason to mistreat me. I'm sick of it. Now I'll be late putting the lunchbox together and here begins another stressful day. Ugh.

The helpful version includes self-empathy, and the intention to see this moment as only a moment not a template for the day, our life, or as an encapsulation of who Echo is as a person. The unhelpful version swerves way off into generalized thoughts that paint my life and my child in a dark ominous light, and dramatizes the scene so as to become nearly unbearable.

It's easy to see how these thoughts will generate very different emotional states.

The idea is to feel the emotion fully, but to stop there, without letting the feeling fuel a thought-story that screws up the next moment, the rest of your day, or your life.

The choice lies in the thoughts. 

At any given time there are numerous "truths" and thoughts that come along with those truths. Yesterday while climbing the stairs I noticed myself having these thoughts: Oh man. I am just so tired today. These stairs feel like a giant mountain...ugh. Then my conscious mind kicked in and I realized I didn't want to feel tired, to have an entire tired day, or for the stairs to feel insurmountable. So I reached for an empowering and equally true thought: I am so strong. My body is incredible, and I hate to sound too hoaky but my ascent became easy. I even skipped steps, feeling my quads working beautifully. It was instantaneous. 

Consciously designing your life through your thoughts (and subsequently your emotions) does not mean being un-genuine, it does not mean feeling mad but faking happy, it means reaching for thoughts, among a whole pile of genuine and true thoughts, and enjoying the fruits of that decision.

Comments

[Kristanne]

I get it. I really get what you're saying.

To use and slightly modify (to my own experience) your helpful thought example, my morning thoughts are often:

"Wow, this is not how I'd like this to go. I am irritated. I don't know exactly what's happening for my son but I'd sure like to help him, salvage this moment, and get us back on a harmonious path..."

But, then, when I've had these thoughts for the last 42 mornings in a row, I start to think:

"Fuck! Why do mornings always have to be so difficult? Why aren't my efforts to have positive thoughts, self-empathy and child-empathy working to make this easier? Aaagghhh! I'm making an enormous effort and he's not coming to the party."

It's like I have to remain totally unaffected by behaviour. That's hard. Is it even possible?

[Joanna]

Well put Natalie. And Kristanne, I get you. I have those feelings too. It feels really unfair sometimes. I wouldn't let anyone else treat me this way, so why does he (my son) get to?

I have seen the difference though when I decide to change the story in my head. When I refuse to let it cloud my day, I don't go down an irritation spiral. It's hard though, to not feel like a victim sometimes.

[Jennifer Kaczmarek]

Totally. I really clicked with this part:
"The helpful version includes self-empathy, and the intention to see this moment as only a moment not a template for the day, our life, or as an encapsulation of who Echo is as a person." As I mentioned in a recent comment on Kris's site, my brothers and I were labeled by my mother, often, growing up (and continued to be as adults) -- and it felt like my mom was doing just this: taking a very brief moment and turning it into who we were as people. And, I felt, often misinterpreting who we were and what we were feeling.

So I am really sensitive to this kind of stuff and heartily applaud you for bringing this to light, and being so conscious of how you think and how you react and how that affects Echo (and Xi and Bella).

It helps to reinforce how I want to parent my son. It's almost like pressing the "reset" button continually, giving him new chances, etc.

Jennifer