How I Love Thee

  

Oh empathy. How I Iove thee with all of my heart.

If you were a god I would be religious. 

And luckily, we packed empathy in our suitcase and brought it with us. I use it as I watch my family and friends love Echo the way that feels right to them. Empathy for them, for the power with which they love her, helps me when they parent her in ways different than my own. Instead of launching in to an explanation of why we don't use "Good job!" as a dear family friend praises Echo's egg-hunting skills, I reach for empathy and relate to that person's need for connection, and hopes of doing a "Good Job" themselves. Later when my aunt tests Echo's knowledge of the number sequences and quizzes her about when she is starting kindergarten (she's homeschooled) empathy is my friend once again as I dig it out for Echo's confusion and my aunt's as well.

And I pull it out for myself during these interactions as well as various feelings bubble to the surface.

Empathy is in the mix.

Nathan drew it out on behalf of a fellow egg hunter who was miserable about not finding as many eggs for himself as the others had. After lengthy discussions of solutions, on behalf of several well-meaning family members, with no effect, Nathan simply kneeled down and honoured the little boy's feelings for a moment. Like magic his face cleared.

It is magic.

This morning Echo was destroyed because her grandpa wasn't in bed, as she had hoped to surprise him waking him up with kisses and snuggles. I felt myself tighten, irritated because my cheerful (crowd-pleasing) girl had become a clingy, crabby one, shunning all of grandpa's attempts to connect. I eventually, through empathy for myself for my whole set of feelings, gathered my wits and realized we needed a Feeleez poster, that Echo wasn't going to "move on" until the stupid grown-ups got it together to actually see and understand what she was feeling, instead of impatiently trying to shove her forward. We opened the laptop, pulled out the poster, and she chose the gritted teeth, red-faced girl, and the child with the hurt elbow as the kids she was feeling like. Duh. I said: Oh! Darn. and Grandpa laughed incredulously and with great pain, faced with what his actions (getting out of bed too early!) resulted in for his beloved, beloved grandchild. And that, folks, was enough.

She pointed, we saw, and now she is back in Grandpa's arms, throwing nuts for the squirrels. 

My challenge to you all is for the next week to quit every single attempt to fix any of your child's feelings. If you bring the wrong juice to the table, if your child thinks you bought the wrong cereal, if your child is afraid of the spider on the wall, DO NOTHING EXCEPT RECOGNIZE his/her FEELINGS. If your boy or girl does not believe you that you see/feel/hear them well enough, use the poster so that there can be no mistake. Try this and see what happens for you, your child, and the relationship that lies in between.

Comments

[natalie]

Oh, and the 2nd part of the assignment is to describe here in the comments section what not fixing and using empathy is doing for you and your kids.

[Joanna]

Game on! Gonna get Andy in on the action as well. We need this kinda challenge to get back on track with out kiddos. It's been a little rough around the edges here lately.
love.
J

[Jessi Crago]

The other night I was stressing hard. I was talking with my mother about the frustrations of being poor and having too many financial burdens. In the back of my mind all I could think about was all the things I WANT to do but feel limited by funding to achieve and how life is hard and how I am exhausted with working so hard to not be able to simply enjoy a few things like being able to visit a friend or go to a concert I'd like to see. I wound up getting very upset while talking with my mother because she kept trying to provide solutions to my problems instead of just being able to hear me. I didn't want solutions. I just wanted someone to listen while I felt the emotions I was feeling. She wound up getting frustrated and we almost got off the phone on a bad note. I instantly thought of your blog, of your family, and longed to have my mother simply say, "that sounds hard. you sound frustrated and bummed." that's it. that was all i wanted. I longed for empathy. And in that moment I gave myself empathy. I thought of your blog, how you speak about self empathy in times when others are causing you distress and I reached into my heart and pulled out empathy for myself. Empathy for my own feelings of frustration and exhaustion. Empathy for myself because I was wanting my mother to say something she was having a hard time coming to. Empathy for my mother who in all her love for me was trying to solve my problems so they wouldn't be problems anymore, so that I could be happy once again, because I know she would do anything to make my life even a little better. And I breathed space into our conversation in that moment.

Next thing I knew I had told my mother, "i don't want solutions. you have raised me well and i know how to problem solve, how to break a big problem into tiny pieces to find managable solutions. I don't want solutions. I just need a friend right now to listen to me. To hear my feelings and have compassion for me." by saying this my mother understood why I was so frustrated. I told her that I knew her love wanted to solve all my problems so my life would be easy and better but that life isn't easy all the time and in that moment I just needed love and empathy. That her offering solutions just made me feel defensive instead of reasured. She heard me. And she stoped offering solutions and just listened. I listened to her feelings and she listened to mine. It was beautiful.

Nothing was solved. i still have all the same problems. but we both have a wonderful phone conversation that lasted another 1.5 hours and were able to support one another through what otherwise could have been a very emotionally distancing situation.

Thank you Natalie! Thank you for your blog! Thank you for your honest open communication about your experiences in life and how you implement empathy. Thank you! I have truly learned a TON and am proud to see myself practicing and utilizing what I am learning!

[kris laroche]

I love and accept the challenge. AND I want to up the ante by adding the challenge of not trying to fix anything with other people, either. Not trying to fix my spouse or solve a friend's "problems", but totally just giving space to their feelings. xxoo

[Jennifer Kaczmarek]

Both of the photos are so, so beautiful. Just had to say that.

I really appreciate your posting about the interplay between you and others who are loving Echo ... and how you extend empathy toward them, toward yourself, toward Echo, etc. I was wondering about that this weekend as I was also with my parents -- they seem so keen on the "GOOD JOB!!!!!" thing with my 17-month-old. And when we're in the car, my husband seems keen on trying to stop the baby from making any sort of noise that indicates he's in a bit of distress.

It sounds like you just let it go with your parents and others, which is a freeing notion.

Anyway -- this was quite timely; thank you for sharing it.