Double Gold Star Humming Heart of Happiness

 

If I listen carefully there is always a theme bubbling around me, a concept that keeps popping up here and there. If I pay attention I can pin it down for a bit, chew on it, and figure out what I'm supposed to learn from that theme. Lately it's modeling, no not runway style, but parenting style. 

I think I have completely absorbed the idea that the most potent way to teach our girls how to treat others is to treat them in that same way. They do what they see. When the girls were learning how to climb down stairs we took pains, as we ourselves were descending, to turn around put our hands on the top step, and reach down with our feet to the next step. The babies watched and quickly, instead of teetering at the top and threatening to bash their heads in by toppling downward, they spun themselves around and crawled safely, step by step. Modeling works. I've talked about it a lot on this here blog, just search "modeling" or click on these links: motherhood manners sisters.

But it's been popping up again, so I've been looking at it again.

Nathan has been reading Nurture Shock and wowing me with excerpts. One part that stood out is the explanation that there is a need for more children's books in which the characters model behaviors and perspectives that are helpful, kind, empathetic. The model currently in vogue is for a character to display a wide array of repulsive, "wrong" behaviors, and then in the last few pages, that same character comes to their senses and "learns a lesson". Unfortunately the twenty pages in which the character is a raging tyrant have more effect on a child than the last page that exhibits remorse and apologies. I know this to be true, no matter how obvious the lesson appears to me, Echo (one of the smartest kids I have ever known personally) does not grab that part as her take home message. She remembers the nasty brawl Brother Bear and Sister Bear got into better.

(Note to self: carry on with our next project- children's books that show empathy, again and again and again.) 

Apparently the same is true for television shows, especially the "educational" ones whose sole intent is to teach these very things! The book is pretty incredible. And if you need even more reasons to lower the amount of t.v. your family watches, Nathan has a great post here.

As he was reading this bit from the book to me we were on the airplane, which is the place for feeling in the hot seat in terms of parenting. Traveling with kids is where parents get their street cred. Airports, airplanes, fatigue, stress, timetables, and millions of eyes watching your every move. Those fellow travelers send messages, through the exhaust filled air, with their eyeballs, letting you know just how they feel about the seat kicking, the crying, and just about everything else your child happens to be doing, and of course, what you are doing in response.

Shall we say that the pressure is intense?

The environment percolated with the book excerpt and then my mind threw in a conversation I had with my sister. We have a mutual friend that is pregnant and is pretty irreverent in the words she uses to describe the fetus, being pregnant, and the whole child scene. I think she's trying to be funny. But Emily was comparing it to how Nathan and I talk about our kids, or how we talked about Echo when she was in my belly. We revere our kids and our words and actions reflect that. So Emily, in turn, sees our children as indescribable treasures as well.

A light bulb went off in my head. DING! Modeling works, not just in teaching our kids how to treat others, but in TEACHING OTHER PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT OUR KIDS.

Holy shit.

For instance, back to the airplane...

Echo was pulling a fuzzy pink suitcase. Does that say enough? Probably not. Well I should add that she loves this suitcase, had never before pulled her very own, and was super proud of doing it herself. What this meant was a three-year old negotiating steps down to the tarmac and back up into the airplane and down the aisle, slowly, carefully, with passengers, large, adult, in a hurry, passengers, piling up behind her. Stress, timetables, and the pressure of it all had me itching to yank her up by the arm, apologize to those furrowed-brow folks over the sound of her wailing, and get on the motherf-ing plane. But I didn't.

Instead we told her about the custom of moving to the right to let others pass and we took deep breaths and smiled. We treated her with patience, care, and respect. And guess what? Everyone else did too! The flight attendants crouched down and admired the fuzzy suitcase, fellow passengers waited, delighted to experience this momentous activity. They all smiled and supported her. They were given that opportunity, permission to treat a child like an important human being, because we paved their way.

I love kids. And I have enormous amounts of empathy for them but I even find myself seeing a child in a negative light when the parent is leading in that direction. An exasperated look and a tossed out phrase like: Ugh! He's been acting like this lately. A total prim madonna! We'll never get out of here if I wait for him, and before I know it, I too am a bit irritated and annoyed. I saw it happen throughout the airport, a melting down kid splayed in the aisle, an exasperated parent dragging and fuming, and surrounding them, several onlookers rolling their eyes and crossing their legs in irritation. 

My theory is that we all think it is the kid that is bothering everyone, but really the reaction by the parent is what is giving everyone the idea that they should be bothered. When Echo took her turn, melted down and puddled up on the airport linoleum, my body language and words indicated that there on those cold tiles was a human in distress and in need of help and comfort. Passersby gave us looks of concern, their postures and faces soft with care and kindness. 

I want people to treat our girls that way.

The way our culture does it is like reading page after page of the Berenstein Bears mistreating each other and then expecting a child to use the last, short page as their model for living. We treat them disrespectfully, inspiring others to do the same, and then have the audacity to expect them to say Excuse me, pardon me, and wait their turn quietly. Madness!

The bright dinging light bulb in my head brought great hope and joy to my heart. If I treat our children well, they will treat others well, and I can pat myself on the back for a parenting job well done. But, BONUS!, if I treat our children well, then other people will treat them well, and that's not a job well done, that's a double-gold-star-humming-heart-of-happiness.

Comments

[Rachel]

Pure inspiration, light, freedom! Thank you, thank you!!! I feel my chest opening up & I'm thinking of all the ways this is true & I can't wait to apply it more!

[Zoe]

I have never considered modeling in terms of how we want our children to be treated, but now that you mention it, it makes SO MUCH SENSE.

Also, I am so glad to see that other people are interested in a different sort of children's book. My kids LOVE books, but I change a lot of the stories to suit our family better. I actually remember having a book read to me at daycare when I was three or four about a kid who was scared of alligators under the bed, and I had never even considered such a thing, (why would I?) until the teacher read the book, and then I was PETRIFIED. I would love to see more mellow loving children's books. My kids (who are still very small) are totally unattached to the idea of a story arc that includes conflict and resolution. I'm sure they would love books about kids who just go around doing stuff like them. Playing in the garden etc.

[Chantal]

Pure genius.
Thank you. :)

[Hilaree]

Oh good heavens. Thank you so much. What planet are you from that enables you to spread such superhuman goodness?

I desperately needed to read this today.

You rock.

Now I want to weed out our books. And our shows, too.

And my brain.

[Natalie]

As for books that don't fit the mold, Echo and I wrote this one tonight:

Once upon a time there was a big old hairy dog named Moristianne. All of a sudden she saw a little grey mouse bounding along with a big cat chasing it.
So Moristianne ate the cat up.
And the mouse said: I love you.
And Moristianne said: I love you too.
The End

As far as I can tell the book formula of things going okay, then something happening that creates a lot of anxiety and fear, and then at the very very end, things getting a little bit better, is for grown-ups. Kids are far more interested in interesting things happening and everything always going well.

[Joanna]

Let's start a childrens book writing revolution. We should all write and illustrate books with our kids, and make several copies to send around to eachother, to replace the ultra-intense-dramatic ones that we are going to throw out!

[anne]

wow, wow, wow, wow, and THANK YOU! This is exactly what I needed right now. This makes so, so much sense. THANK YOU!

[Jennifer]

love this post! thank you! loved all the details of the airport - so true that others will catch the spirit of the parents. way to spread the Echo-love!
and what's crazy is that i was just thinking yesterday of writing to you and requesting a book list that your family reads, especially ones that Echo likes, and that are empathy-themed. i always find myself editing as we go. which is fine for now, but what happens when my boy can read?
so yes, please publish some books. :) and if you have any other great suggestions, i'm listening.