Side by Side

We celebrated Nathan's birthday yesterday. We did it up right for sure. Presents selected and wrapped by the girls, a mini fairy food mud pie to accompany the real mud pie. Said mud pie eaten riverside with radical mamas and happy children, sidewalk chalk birthday greetings, a birthday tree, a to-die-for-dinner out courtesy of awesome parents, an evening bike ride home with giggles and a stop for apricot picking, lots of kisses and smiles, and a late night campfire.

See what I mean? Done up right for sure.

We really like this guy so it's fun to celebrate him. I like the days leading up and how my focus starts to center on the birthday person, what they like and don't like. How to please and delight them. And I always write or make a card. For the girls I lean heavily on the drawing, something cute and fun, since they appreciate this the most and only scan the words. But for Nathan I always sit down away from distraction and try to write how I actually feel about him, how happy I am that he is alive.

He is unlike anyone I have ever met.

When we first met sparks flew and angels sang and we fumbled over words and all that good stuff. Then we worked together, six months before even saying out-loud how enormous our mutual crushes were. Neither of us were technically "available" so for all of those six months we talked, and talked, and talked. (I think maybe I've mentioned this before?) In any case since we weren't wooing one another, we were honest. You know that phenomenon where, because you are so smitten, you end up morphing into the person you think the other person might like? I'm not fool enough to become a completely different person but I am optimistic or adventurous enough to at least subtly try on a new version of myself that feels complimentary. But I had no reason to for Nathan. Even though I was drop-to-the-floor lit up by him, we weren't even about to date and therefore I was myself.

We talked a lot about relationships and again because we weren't actually starting one we were free to describe our thoughts candidly. One evening in the summer-lit alley of the Indian restaurant where we worked Nathan held his hand out, palm up, and then he put my hand next to it, palm up. And he described that that was how he imagined the ideal relationship. Two people moving together, next to one another, celebrating one another. There was no gripping or even intertwining, just cupped hands, together. I really liked that image.

I had been in previous relationships with jealousy, codependency and gentle nudging in various directions. I adored the idea of being exactly who I am, independent of the other person yet also adored by that person. I liked the idea of letting the other person be exactly who they were and celebrating that as well. I liked the idea of side-by-sideness, without ownership.

Needless to say that though we were talking in theory, those talks formed the foundation of our life together. In fact, when, in that same alley, Nathan confessed his romantic thoughts to me (and embarrassingly I actually said "Ditto"), I also said outright that one of my concerns as we moved forward was that I wouldn't be strong enough. I worried I wouldn't be emotionally sturdy enough to not slip a finger of my cupped hand over into his, to pin his a little, or at least guide it in the direction I preferred.

And there have been times, let me tell you, when not only did I attempt to slip a little finger over his, but a whole era where I wanted to pin his entire body, thoughts, and feelings to the ground, to shove him in the direction that I wanted things to go. That era was called pregnancy. I didn't want to stand side by side, two people celebrating each other in all of their wonders, I wanted him to be mine in every way possible, and call me on the hour, and never be home later than 7pm, and anything else that felt extremely secure and buttoned down. In my mind all bets were off. I was having his baby and that meant that all of that emotional strength stuff we prided ourselves on was not only a thing of the past but something to not even desire any longer.

He, of course, was a bit alarmed. Our foundations were our foundations and here I was moving to another site entirely, one in the boonies. But, he's also a smart and compassionate man. A man that had been through two previous pregnancies, one wise enough to know that a pregnant woman is another species altogether. So we made compromises. We switched his shifts to an earlier time, he called constantly, and in general we came up with ways in which I could feel safe and secure and he could have a smidgen of personal freedom.

Eventually I gave birth and fell in love with my baby and didn't care as much what Nathan was doing. I definitely forgive myself for my time spent in the emotional boonies. Hormones are powerful and important. I was a mama tiger in the jungle looking for a safe place to deliver my kits, and that's a good mama. Now that I no longer have hormones coursing through my body it's a lot easier to stay on my side of the cupped hand metaphor.

Easier, not easy.

It's hard to let someone be exactly who they are. Or maybe more specifically, it's hard to be in partnership with someone and let them be exactly who they are. I am not the only woman who thinks they know best as to what their man should be doing with his time, energy, thoughts or ambitions. Heck we women are running a family! We are in charge! If there is a half hour of "free" time, let us count the ways in which those precious thirty minutes will be well spent! But you don't even have to be running a family to start feeling entitled to altering or controlling (however subtly) what your man does. Outfits? Evening plans? Rules about how to talk while in a fight? What it's "okay" to be angry about? Who he hangs out with? What he spends money on?

We can defend ourselves, sure. Shared money, shared house, shared time, lead us to believe that we have a say in how these things are handled, it's true. It's motherf-ing hard to simply allow someone to be themselves when they live in the same house, share your body, and spend the same money.

But the reason this all came to mind is because of the last post where I realized I can simply choose to have different thoughts or feelings no matter what the circumstances might be. I can feel happy even if the van keys are lost. I can feel loving even if Echo is hitting her sisters again and again and again. Well, guess what?

I can feel happy no matter what my partner is doing as well.

And I gotta say that even with those aforementioned foundations, and even with the realizations I have had about this regarding myself and parenting, and even with previous blog posts on this subject, I only really, fully, got this notion recently. In other words, I knew I could survive no matter what Nathan did or how he spent his day off, and I knew I could stay in partnership no matter what he was doing or who he was hanging out with. I knew I had the kind of strength or self awareness to be "okay", but I didn't know I could actually be JOYOUS no matter what he did.

Maybe it takes a while to sink in. Maybe if you are a logical person and applying this knowledge of the personal choice to feel good, you eventually get to your relationship and although your feet might drag, you realize that it can only apply there as well.

Maybe it's easier when there is an incentive to go this route of fully accepting your partner. After all I want to be with Nathan. I want to live a long happy life with him. If I didn't I might say, Oh he stays up too late and doesn't wash the dishes. I don't think we are a match. Nathan and I actually are a match, very compatible in innumerable ways. In fact I had a hard time coming up with even joking examples that would make us "not a match", but even still we come up against issues that are deal-breaker issues. If I didn't want to be with him I could simply break up and never give full acceptance a shot.

But here's the great thing. With or without the incentive of long-termness, in realizing that I can feel good no matter what, I have no reason to guide my partner in any direction. I can simply notice what direction he's going and smile. And if I am not trying to change him in any way then I can actually see him. Have you ever noticed how beautiful and shiny a person can be when they are being themselves? If I take responsibility for how I feel I get to hang out with that sparkling person. I get to kiss him and eat dinner with him and float down the river with him.

That's what I wanted to write in Nathan's birthday card. That I see him. That I am over here as my own cupped hand and from this perspective I can see his shiny perfect self. I also wanted to say thanks. All of the times I wanted to trash the cupped hands metaphor, all those times I was dissatisfied or fearful and thought he should do something to fix it, he reminded me. He reminded me of who I want to be. At times I didn't want to hear it, didn't want to remember. If I remembered it meant work on my part, it meant I had to dig up emotional strength I didn't know I possessed. I didn't want to dig! I wanted him to just be different!

But he always kept his cupped hand right there. Steady. Loving me from that place.

Boy is that a reminder.

I don't think I summed it all up in the card. But maybe he'll read this.

3 Comments

Yeah, girl!
What a beautiful manifesto of love.
So happy for you both.
(also, today is Dan and my 9-year wedding anniversary as I was reminded by a friend (doh!) - so a special day for sure).

Posted by: 6512 and growing | 08/18/2011 at 06:01 PM