Good Feeling Thoughts are Easier to Maintain Than a Perfect Life

One time, in my twenties I was dating a guy. When I had a trip scheduled to come home to Santa Cruz for a visit, I invited him. I knew he would love it here. But then as the day got closer I pictured him, under this particular sun, in the shade of this particular redwood tree and I un-invited him. It wasn't going to work. The trip, perhaps even the relationship. Somehow imagining him in the format of my hometown brought things into perspective and I could see clearly.

This place is like a mirror. The mirror that you use to really see, hear, understand things. Like when you buy clothes at a shop but you have a lingering doubt that that dressing room, with it's large mirror and overhead lights, isn't showing you truly what the skirt/pants/shirt/bathing suit really look like. You need to bring them home and look at them in the old mirror behind the closet door to know for sure.

That's what this place is.

Sometimes that's painful. Sometimes I am trudging along a certain path and then I get here and this mirror sweeps the rug out from under me. Very often I am left with extreme longing and intense self-criticism. I don't particularly like those times. So when I say to the cashier at the Good Food Store in Missoula that I'm just grabbing some snacks for our family trip to Santa Cruz I know that before his eyes he sees sand and surf, sunshine and palm trees. And he's right, that's all here, but that's not what I see. In fact I know I won't use a photo for this post, not because we haven't taken any, but because photos don't show smell or nostalgia or history or sadness or healing or hope. They don't show unavoidable self-reflection.

And here I am, in the nest of all that. But I'm good.

I'm good.

I'm great.

Who I am, where I'm walking, how I'm walking, who I'm walking with, and what I'm walking toward? That reflection looks just right in this mirror. The reflection I see here, matches the one in Missoula, and more importantly, it matches the one in my heart.I am finding incredible peace in that alignment.

But hold on a minute.

I just got up to make tea and while stirring honey, thought over what I have just written. In a movie it would be that moment where the characters freeze and there is the sound of a record screeching to a halt. I believe I just gave you the impression, and more alarmingly, myself the impression, that I am feeling good during this particular trip home because I have finally got my life into a place that feels good. I am doing my life "right" so to speak so am not falling victim to self-criticism or extreme longing or desperate thoughts of making changes. Under this impression I immediately started making a catalog of what I am doing with my life right now so that I could "keep up the good work" and therefore keep up the good feelings.

Aack. That isn't even true. Or possible.

The reflection of who I am, under this sun or under the shade of this redwood tree isn't feeling good because I've figured out the right hoops to jump through. No. I am feeling good because I am feeling good. I am feeling good because I have, for the first time in my life, made it a priority to reach for thoughts that feel good. And yes, things in my life have fallen into line and I am extraordinarily happy with my triumphs, but I feel good, not because of the triumphs but because I simply feel good, because I have chosen to think thoughts that float me in that direction.

THAT'S THE DIFFERENCE THIS TIME AROUND

Well hallelujah because good feeling thoughts are easier to maintain than a perfect life.

You have been with me for this journey. I'm not saying anything new, I know. Sometime last winter I made a choice, a choice to turn my head from thoughts that caused me anxiety, and toward thoughts that felt better. And I've been keeping it up. It's been almost a year now. And coming here, to Santa Cruz and every member of my family, and history, and evaluation, and context, is the ultimate test. I am passing!

Early in our trip I had an anxious moment. I shared it with Nathan. He said something that reminded me, the trick isn't to change circumstances - saying the right thing, doing the right thing - but to change my view. He said a short sentence with glee and a smile and he kissed me and I remembered, Oh yeah! Reaching for a better thought, and away from this anxiety inspiring story, works in all parts of the world. It works here in my family home just as well as it does in Montana, in my own personal home.

Good thoughts are mobile! They fit in a suitcase! They feel good under California sun and the shade of a redwood tree!

And because I am not wrestling with thoughts, thoughts of struggle or change or worry or anxiety, I am available to experience the fucking radness of this place, these people, my life. There is sun - I mentioned that but when you live in Montana and there still aren't even buds on the trees in March you really can't mention it enough. There is fauna like you wouldn't believe - eucalyptus, bamboo, redwoods, oaks, jasmine, lemons, prickly pear, cherry blossoms, sea weed, flowering weeds -  you name it and it grows here. There is family - I love these people and they love me and my kids and my partner. There is fun - can you say multi-generational roller skating at the rink I went to as a kid???? There is the beach - my girls, starved by a winter of snow, the only ones frolicking in the waves like it's midsummer. There is good food - made by other people! By my mom, by my step-mom, by restaurants. Hybrid concoctions of vietnamese, mexican, and thai that I would roll in if I could. There are scents on the air - sea salt, night blooming jasmine, organic colognes. There are friends - people I have loved, continue to love, and want to link elbows with and chat into the night. There are my children - barefoot, bouncing from one delighted pair of arms to another. There is my partner- handsome, calm, guitar playing and tea drinking.

This is all here, it always has been here, but now I get to receive it fully.

Comments

[6512 and growing]

the title says it all.

[Natalie]

Yeah. I realized that after 1,000 words in. :)

[Carrie]

Love it
All
Good thoughts
Good on ya
Xxxcarrie-anne

[Jessica Farnham]

I had a similar experience with our recent visit to MN and all my family. It was fun, and exhausting all in the same breath. But this time was different. There was a level of confidence in our lives and what we are doing with our little family in Missoula. We really felt this time that we are in the right place, doing the right things for OUR family. Thank you, always, for your insights on what I am feeling sometimes and not sure what to do or how to feel about them. Its just part of the journey, and I love feeling the kinship with those on a similar path. We learn from each other, and that's essentially what this journey is about! Glad you had a wonderful family vacation :)

[lea]

Welcome home, the weather has been pretty dang fantastic here-crazy how home is the mirror so much of the time. Reaching for thoughts that feel good-ah, you inspire me. i want to write that on the bathroom mirror, maybe i just will...

[Martha]

That's cool. Sounds fun. Thanks for sharing your internal and external journeys.