It's Best Not to Get Too Cocky

We're headed into Week Five of our six-week parenting course. In the class Nathan and I each write about a topic, post it, and then read what we both wrote. In his posts he's always helping us all feel better by reminding us that parenting in a conscious way is like yoga, you just keep practicing until it becomes more natural. I love that metaphor because even the most "advanced" yogis use that word. They don't "do" yoga, or "achieve" yoga, or "complete" yoga, they practice it. Everyday. And their back muscles ripple.

When you practice yoga everyday you don't think much of winging yourself into a headstand or folding yourself into what once looked like a ridiculous licorice-vine thingy. And the same is true for parenting consciously (as opposed to reflexively- repeating words and actions that you wish you didn't or that don't even work). And it's embarrassing, but I pretty much thought I/we made up this whole empathy parenting thing, so I figured that I was practically always in good form, always well-practiced.

Ha ha.

I now know that I too need to practice everyday, that I too get rusty, that parenting headstands are really really hard if you've gone slack for a bit. I didn't know I'd gone slack. But I had and the way I found out is by giving the parenting class again. We go through six topics in detail - the same team concept, empathy, ditching praise and punishment, modeling, story, and having fun - and it's not as though I was that far off track, dishing out punishment and gold stars and yanking arms and threatening, but I wasn't completely on-track either.

But a funny thing happens when you write and edit a 2,000 word post on empathy. Let's just say the concept stays on your mind. So when Echo screeched at Xi about the (f-ing) blue ball and Xi "defended" herself with her scraggly nails, and Echo screeched some more and called her stupid and whacked her in the arm, and I started to panic (as I always do in the first millisecond when this sort of thing happens, no matter how much practice I have) and ran through several possible and unhelpful reactions, like popping the blue ball, or sending Xi off to do the chore she forgot to do, or getting angry at them, I didn't. Because I had just written about the wonders of empathy and how it works!

Instead I said: "Oh man, you guys are having a hard time huh?"

And things unfolded from there.

When Bella was reading a book on the couch (because she's a pre-teen and will suddenly swing wildly from playing fairies or barbies to more "grown-up" activities) and Echo purposely stood right next to her doing annoying things and I looked away and then looked back to see Bella karate kick Echo in the neck... it was right on the heels of Week One of the course in which we talk about being on the Same Team as your children. Part of this concept is assuming the best of them. So I yelled "BELLA!!!" with anger and shock. Then I remembered that whole assuming the best thing and wrangled my feelings and actions accordingly. Instead of saying "Why the fuck did you kick her in the neck???" I said: "What happened?" And when Bella said she didn't mean to kick her, that she was only trying to get off the couch and things went awry, I didn't contradict her, I didn't look at her doubtfully, or suspiciously. I assumed the best of them both, and gave empathy for the rough time they were having.

Basically I am a student in my own class.

When Echo was moping around at the craft fair booth yesterday, hanging from my neck, whining, talking to me in ways I hated, complaining of the heat before the baking sunlight had even made it's way under our umbrella, I almost lost my shit. Almost. Then I remembered self-empathy! It sucks when your kid is hot and crabby and being lame. It's really hard! Week Two, secondary post!

Also yesterday, when Echo wouldn't let Xi have any of the grapes, I pulled at the tub and pried her little grubby fingers from the edge. I gave Xi some grapes and then remembered Nathan's post from last week about control. Oops. He says the more you attempt to exert it the more apparent you have made it that you have none. Echo was a pile of tears, and I soon realized that grapes were less an issue than my aggressive attempts to address the situation. Apologies, empathy, and self-empathy for my remorse followed.

Yep, it's best not to get too cocky about this sort of thing. 

Anyway, happy Monday. We're looking at some blogging, some Feeleez business, errands, and hopefully a dip in the river. What about you?

Oh! And also, we're still looking for votes in order to win the Mission Small Business grant. Feeleez could receive $250,000 from Chase Bank if we get 250 votes by Saturday. We currently have 130. About two hundred of you read this blog each day, if you all vote then we'll make it! (I know some of you have already voted, thank you!) Follow the link, click on "learn more", click "login and support", type in FEELEEZ and vote. Thank you!

 

 

Comments

[Andree]

Thank you for this post... you rock!

[Martha]

Great post. Thanks. I like the bit about exerting control. And I'm not in the course. so thanks for the freebie.

[jennifer]

Beautifully written -- love the comparison to yoga ... THAT will come in handy during a self-empathy moment. :)

I was so disappointed I wasn't able to take this parenting course from you guys this time. Will you be offering it again in the future, as you have in the past, or are you moving on with another course? I would dearly love to take it!

[Natalie]

Thanks everybody!
Jennifer, yes I am sure we will offer this course again as our foundation course, and then additional courses on top of that. I'll keep you posted, would love to have you with us!

[jennifer]

Thank you for responding, Natalie -- and, oh boy, am I happy to hear you'll offer the foundation course again. And more courses too! Hurrah! I'll be there!

[grayson]

Love this post, especially the bit about trying to exert control. I had a rough day. We are in the midst of moving & packing & routines are in shambles & kids & I are in shambles. Deep breath, a little self-empathy and all will look better in the morning. thank you.

[Natalie]

Shambles, what a great word to describe the result of all that upheaval. I'm hoping this morning looks a little brighter. And I agree the bit about control keeps popping up for me as well, like last night when Echo wanted to get up from the dinner table. How I wanted to grab her and get her back in her seat! We didn't, she still stayed. Practice, practice, all around. :)