Code

A couple weeks ago the non-stop sisterly bickering frenemy state in our house reached a peak. Somehow, by totallly giving up completely, the idea for a forgiveness ceremony arose. It was beautiful and powerful and seriously wiped the slate clean for a fresh new start. A week or so later (a week without a single skirmish) tempers rose once more and after a very long-winded lecture (cringe) from me about "plain sisters" and "friend sisters" we arrived at the concept of non-violent communication. The girls were quick studies and have used, the "magic language" as they call it, for another week or so with great success.

Then the blue yoga ball entered the picture. 

Oh blue ball how you torture me. You delight with bounces and racing games. You actually are a friend to our daughters even though you are made of rubber, but sometimes I wish you would stay stuffed in the back of the closet because you are almost too well-liked and incite otherwise friendly girls to fight to the death.

Okay, they weren't fighting to the death, it was actually all very subtle, but the dynamic I saw rearing it's ugly head reminded me waaaay too much of the those couple months where Xi and Echo couldn't go a moment without tension and I couldn't bear it.

The details: Not much to it really. The blue ball was in the mix, delightfully so for several days. Recently he is called Rajah and the game is to train him for "The Great Ball Fights" coming up soon. The girls race him from the back door to the living room at a signal and must stop before the plastic dragon thingy, which is all very heart-racey and exciting for them all. Rajah also has been propped at the top of the stairs and after several important "vital checks" is sent racing down. Rajah either does well (just what the criteria for a "good job" are elude the parents) and is congratulated with "Good Boy"s or is chastised for some infraction or other and sternly replaced at the top to try again. He's a rubber ball! But lately he is the great Rajah and enjoys the rapt attention of these two girls. 

So when Echo and I trundled down the stairs and found Xi early one morning reading a magazine while sitting on the blue ball I felt the tension rise a bit. Echo was eager to get Rajah's training going once more but Xi was "using the blue ball" and no she didn't hear Echo asking her about playing she just "was busy reading". That's right she just happened to need to sit on the blue ball and just happened to not hear Echo as well. Uh oh. I skirted around, getting granola for Echo and hoping the threat would pass. But later that afternoon when tempers flared beyond reason over a Barbie accessory I flipped my lid.

I started by shouting. That always works doesn't it??? I kid. I kid. Shouting always fails miserably for me. Echo cowers and Xi goes completely impassive and unreadable, stone faced. UGH. So I reeled it in. I asked them why they wanted to go down this dark path again, why they wanted to re-enter the dark world they were so happy to be free from. They couldn't answer really, they just found themselves going there and couldn't explain it. I tracked the situation down to the blue ball incident that morning and made an effort to find the cause of it. 

Indeed Xi did feel distant and resentful of Echo, she felt closed off and mad at her. And this time at least there was no particular reason. She simply fell into it, like stepping into an old groove. At first I was quite daunted by this. If we couldn't find the reason how were we doing to fix it??? Xi didn't have any ideas either so I leaned into the idea that feelings, especially ones that pop up unwanted and unwillingly, don't need a solution they just need empathy. Now this feeling that Xi experiences is a complicated one. It has something to do with jealousy, and a little to do with resentment, and a few dashes of some other things too and I am positive that while Xi is experiencing this feeling she is not going to be willing to dissect and analyze said feeling in order for it to be classified and recognized. That's when the code word came in.

Thunder Cloud.

Here's the deal: When I see Xi retreating and treating Echo poorly in that passive aggressive way I will ask her if she's feeling Thunder Cloud-y and she can get some love and empathy. If she herself feels that feeling coming on she can come to Papa or I, declare Thunder Cloud, and again get some love and empathy.

The next morning when Xi wouldn't let Echo try on the sunglasses she was wearing "because she just didn't want to take them off" I heard the Thunder Cloud alarms ringing. I asked her: "Feeling Thunder Cloud-y?" She nodded yes, slumped into me for a long hug, then cheerily skipped away offering Echo the sunglasses immediately. The next morning Echo herself sensed some tension, she skedaddled out of there, came to me and said: "I think Xi's in Thunder Cloud mode. Will you help us?". I stalled a bit, giving Xi some space, and sure enough when Echo and I re-entered the living room the cloud had passed.

Fucking amazing really.

There really is something about naming something and identifying it. After all that's what the Feeleez poster is all about. Kids don't care that that particular feeling might be called "Frustration", just pointing to the image is enough. What they do care about is that you know they are feeling it. Sometimes that is enough.

What feeling-combo, funky mood state would you name? And what would you call it?

Comments

[Melissa]

My husband and I have a code called "the Sundays" for when either of us is feeling restless, want to DO something, but don't know what, and at the same time don't have the energy to leave the couch. This mish-mash feeling used to typically occur on Sunday evenings, thus the name. It is so convenient to have this code, b/c either of us can just invoke it ("I've got the Sundays") and the other knows EXACTLY what we mean, and can find empathy.

[Natalie]

I love this!

[Rachel]

Dan and I used to have code words for each other. They weren't flattering and I won't repeat them here but they represented how we labled each other in our minds, when we were in a place of fear, panic and stroytelling.

It was actually helpful to hear that he was seeing me as my code word, an indication that 1) there was probably some truth to his perception 2) He was telling himself a story that wasn't helpful to the present reality of the situation and needed a way to break free.

Xi is so lucky to have a stepmama like you.