Holding

One of the things we talk about in our workshop is that children, or anyone for that matter, can't hold on to an emotion if they receive empathy for that emotion. It's a strange thing really. Emotions, if allowed to be and supported, slip through our fingers like mist.

"Oh darn, you wanted oatmeal for breakfast instead of pancakes? Shoot. You're pretty bummed, huh."

Poof. There goes the bummed-ness. Or sometimes it's more like a slow creeping, but the feeling shifts.

"Well I'm sorry. I know you want oatmeal but we don't have any. Plus I made pancakes! Pancakes are so good! They are way better than oatmeal anyway. And also, remember I CAN'T give you oatmeal because we don't have any."

The above is NOT empathy. The above is factual information and an attempt to nudge someone away from having a feeling. What happens here is that the person feeling bummed DIGS IN and fights for their right to have the feeling. They resist moving on, they actually may even feel worse, like mad instead of bummed. And even if they do eat the pancakes and find them tasty, that oatmeal-bumming they were having is still in there, under the layers and available for popping up later during the next upset.

Anyway,

I have gotten a lot of empathy lately for my blissed-out feelings about having made my life-long dream of living part-time in Santa Cruz with my extended family come true. I've given myself empathy, I've received it from you dear readers, from Nathan, from my sister, and from friends. There has been some serious cheering going on!!!

At first my feeling bloomed and got more intense (have you noticed your children crying harder, momentarily, when you give them empathy?) and then... other feelings started to nudge in. I found myself saying Well, sure we made it to Santa Cruz, but ANYWAY, isn't there some things I need to WORRY about? Sure, sure it's awesome here, but okay back to BUSINESS. Silly me. Pretty quickly I took this all for granted, pushed past the empathy and began looking for ways to feel less happy. But wait! I don't want my blissed-out feelings to slip away!

What to do?

Pay closer attention of course, focus back on the things I love. Like giving a campfire a little breath to make it flare once more, I must shine my light back on the wonders. They are all there, right under my nose, still beautiful and sparkly and available. So that's where I am:

Holding.

Remembering to not take things for granted. Remembering that happiness is a choice and one never has to look for anything else.

Happinesses:

Echo has been drawing her dreams. This is her Dream Horse. Our upstairs attic homeschool/work zone is paneled with these very push-pin friendly walls and she hangs her dreams up each day.

The library! The other day while the girls were with my mom, Henry and I walked downtown to run errands. One of my stops was to procure a library card. Oh how I love libraries. I actually felt pretty emotional about it all and had to stop myself from gushing my appreciation at the librarian. I just felt so thankful that she was giving me access to all these books! I played it cool though and checked out Jonathan Franzen's Freedom. (LOVE IT.) But man oh man I felt like I had officially arrived in my new/old town - checking out a book makes you an actual citizen, for sure.

Here's what the dog park looks like. It overlooks the river AND ocean. All these folks are just lounging around like blossoms, sunlight, and warmth are normal in February. February! 

One of my happinesses is being around people that have known me my whole life. They litter the town! Seriously the phrase "Safety Net" comes to mind when I think of how many people I know and love here. This is Echo just randomly poking her head out the window and happening upon my Dad's best friend. We have pictures of him holding me as an infant. Now he chats with my daughter.

Speaking of which... here's just such a delight. Meet Jeff. He's been part of our family since I was fourteen. There is hardly an image in my mind, from teenhood to adulthood, that doesn't include this incredible person. Camping, college, road-tripping, high-school parties, everything. When he isn't treating clients with acupuncture or tending his own children he works for my Dad and stepmom. On Wednesday Echo spent the entire day with him, adjusting stepping stones, painting a threshold, fixing a car door. The best.

Some afternoons my parents take the girls. My stepmom and my Dad took them to the tidepools, for a hike to a waterfall, to the library. My mom took them to her house for Barbies and coloring and "Potato Bar" for dinner. On these afternoons Nathan and I blunder about a bit. We aren't used to this childlessness one little bit. We catch up on work and run errands, and a couple times now we've gotten out into the sun for an adult hike! We talked about hallucinogens and our own personal makeups - topics not usually part of family time. We had our yellow dog with us and made our way through the various micro climates of Santa Cruz - redwoods, madrones, and live oaks. Aaah.

My sister purposely left a duffel bag of clothes here in Santa Cruz to wear when she comes. She has encouraged me to riffle through and wear as much as I like. Isn't that a nice older sister? So fun. I found this red dress. It's long and soft and lightweight and feels so good. This house has a kitchen that is fairly closed off from the rest of the house, so after dinner clean-up is a sort of alone-time for me. On this night I had the counter top lamp on and This American Life on the radio. It felt like the most charming version of playing house. Kind of dream-like. The lamplight, Ira Glass, the red floor. So delicious.

I'm holding here. Loving all of this. Keeping my eyes to the horizon for the next vignettes of delight. And the next. And the next. There is so much here for me - not just in this town, but in the "here" of it all. It feels good.

 

Comments

[6512 and growing]

"What happens here is that the person feeling bummed DIGS IN and fights for their right to have the feeling."

THAT is so important. So true for all of us. We get scared of giving attention to our children's "immature" behavior, their "petty" upsets and disappointments, thinking we need to help them "move on." Acknowledging, without judgment helps them move on.

[Lauren Acker]

"Remembering to not take things for granted. Remembering that happiness is a choice and one never has to look for anything else." Words that mean so much to me.

I can't even explain the happy and nostalgic feeling that I get reading about your time in a place that will always feel like home.

[jennifer]

Thank you, as always, for your voice sounding out the truth of how rockin' empathy is (with examples! I heart examples!). Every time you write about it, it just reinforces and strengthens my own commitment to it -- and nudges me back on course when I've gotten a bit off. And it helps me feel less alone. Many thanks for being such a wonderful, wonderful teacher and guide.

And hurrah for "holding." These vignettes you wrote of above -- this fabric of your life -- seem filled with light, warmth and anchoring. Let the good times roll!

And also? Echo's horse is, like, lethally darling -- her whole idea of her dream, the spelling, the drawing itself. Love it.

[Natalie Christensen]

I agree. We think that by paying credence we'll make things bigger and worse. And feelings do get bigger with empathy, but they get big and POP! Sometimes we'll purposely juice up our girls so that they can just get it all out and be done with it, free of old emotions.

[Natalie Christensen]

Oh, I'm so glad Lauren. xoxo

[Natalie Christensen]

You're definitely not alone Jennifer! Thanks for the encouragement. You give me strength to be vulnerable and honest.

And yes, that horse! Slays me. :)