A reader asked me for a copy of my article that was published in Mothering Magazine a while back. Apparently it's pretty difficult to find it in the archives over there so I thought I'd help you all out and publish it here too. Here it is:
Building an Emotionally Safe Household
Feelings are everything. They connect us to our true
selves as well as to other human beings. When we recognize our feelings and
share them with others, we develop friendships, meaningful bonds, romance,
community—all the things that make life worthwhile. As parents, we want to set
our children up to revel in these delights. Deep down, we know that math scores
aren’t what will carry our daughter through the trial of a breakup, that
physical agility or prowess on the violin won’t help our son as he negotiates a
conflict at work. For such challenges they will need not test scores and
physical strength, but emotional integrity and skills—and we are determined
that they have them.
But how?
One place to start is to acknowledge that all
feelings are acceptable. This alone may not appear to be much of an obstacle—in
theory, it isn’t difficult to see anger as being just as important as
happiness—but in practice it’s more difficult. There are hundreds of ways in
which parents unconsciously encourage some feelings in their children while
discouraging others, only to find that when they really want or need their kids
to open up, they’re reluctant to.
Most of us aren’t even aware of the ways in which we
discourage our children from truthfully expressing themselves. Our comments,
facial expressions, jokes, and reactions—all contribute to our children’s
emotional environment. Although our comments and reactions may be subtle, our
children take notice of them, and if they don’t feel safe in their surroundings,
they may never relate their true feelings.
Here are seven ways to create an environment in which
your child will feel comfortable expressing his
or her feelings.
1. Let the child lead
Each person is the best judge of her own feelings,
including children. It isn’t helpful to tell a child what she is
experiencing.
scenario:
Girl falls, scrapes knee.
mom: You’re
OK! It’s just a little scrape! See? No blood—you’re OK.
Although Mom is trying to be comforting, she’s acting
as if it’s she who is in charge of how the girl feels. This is untrue, can be
insulting, and gently nudges the child away—not only from expressing her true
feelings, but from knowing what those feelings might be.
“You’re OK!” is a common example. If you find yourself saying this or
the equivalent, it’s probably because your child is not OK with the
situation. If a child is upset, it’s a disservice to her to tell her that she
is not upset—that she’s “OK.”
instead:
Oh! You fell! Are you OK?
2. Stop
prompting
Just as leading a child toward what the child is
feeling can be avoided, so can prompting your child about what you think he should
feel. When a child is given a present or complimented by someone, it’s
common for a parent to place himself in the background of the interaction and
indicate that the child should smile (!) and be pleased. The parent uses face,
hands, and body language to demonstrate the feeling “appropriate” to the
occasion.
Instead, try a more neutral facial expression and
wait to see how your child actually feels about this situation. The best
way to illustrate that all feelings are acceptable is to allow their
expression, no matter what is dictated by social norms.
That said, even if we accept a child’s emotional
response to a gift, we might still want him to show appreciation. This is
perfectly natural, but if a discussion about social customs is necessary, it
should be kept separate from the expression of feelings. Appreciation for a
gift, or concern for the gift-giver’s feelings when a gift isn’t enjoyed, will
come naturally to a child who has been allowed to experience the full
expression of his own
feelings. This kind of concern, commonly referred to as empathy, is a natural
response for children who themselves have been treated empathetically. An
empathic response to an unwanted gift is one that shows appreciation, not one
that quashes one’s true feelings.
If you’d like to
demonstrate your own appreciation for the gift your child has received, don’t
try to control his expression of his feelings in order to express your own appreciation. You can make your
feelings of appreciation known to the gift-giver in your own way.
3. Quit
shushing
It’s perfectly normal for humans to be upset, cry,
even sob and wail. Refrain from saying “Sssshhhh, sssshhhh” to
help a child feel better. Outside of attempting to provide for an infant’s
physical needs, make no effort, verbal or otherwise, to persuade her to stop
crying, as this may tell her that the strong feelings that have caused her to
weep are unacceptable.
Instead, hold her and give her empathy: “You seem so
sad about that.” If the child is too loud for the surroundings, remove
her from the environment without giving the impression that this is a
punishment. In addition, remain with the child so that she doesn’t feel
abandoned in her grief. Give her all the time she needs to feel her sadness and
let it out completely.
4. No more name-calling
Do not label your child for expressing his emotions, no matter how annoying (to you) those
expressions may be, or even if you consider your names for him “harmless” or
cute.
name-calling:
Henry, stop being such a whiner! I told you dinner wasn’t ready yet. If you’d
leave me alone instead of whining at me, I’d have it done already!
instead:
Henry, I know you’re hungry. You’re frustrated that dinner is taking so long.
I’m trying my hardest to hurry, but I’m pretty distracted by talking to you
about when dinner will be ready. I think if you found something to do, time
would pass more quickly, and I’d be able to concentrate better and get it done
faster.
Another example:
name-calling:
You silly goose! Pants are for your legs, not your head! You’re such a silly
goose.
instead:
Are you making a joke? Pants usually go on your legs, not your head, right?!
That’s so funny!
5. Resist
lauding
Parents want
their children to feel loved and encouraged, and praise is one of the ways we
hope to achieve this. But praising expressions of emotion, however subtly, can
have the opposite effect. If you value one sort of emotion over another,
your child will quickly understand that some feelings are worthy of praise,
while others should be avoided. When
difficult feelings arise, children who have been earlier praised for expressing
more acceptable emotional states may add concern for a parent’s potential
displeasure to an already uncomfortable emotional load and not express them at
all. Knowing that her parents will accept her no matter what she’s feeling is
perhaps the greatest comfort a child can have.
Be careful with your wording when talking about a
child’s emotional reaction:
lauding:
You were so brave at the dentist today! You didn’t even cry one bit! I am so
proud of you!
instead:
What did you think of the dentist today? How was it for you?
Another
example:
lauding: Good
job, honey! All those strangers were talking to you, and you weren’t shy at
all. You answered all of their questions. Good for you!
instead: Wow. A
lot of strangers were talking to you today. I noticed you seemed to feel
comfortable answering all of their questions. Did you enjoy that?
6. Beware
of judging
Watch for subtle cues you may give a child that
reveal your judgment of his emotional expressions. Even if not expressed
directly, criticism can be felt by those at whom it’s directed. A child can
listen and watch closely, especially when he knows or suspects that he is the
subject of an adult conversation. This is why it is important to maintain neutrality
in your words and tone, even when discussing your child’s feelings with another
parent or friend.
judging:
Sorry we’re late. My son had a total meltdown over a missing sippy cup. [rolls
eyes, looks exasperated] But we finally made it!
instead:
Sorry we’re late. We couldn’t find a sippy cup that’s really important to my
son. He was pretty upset about it, and it took us a while to sort that out. But
I’m glad we made it!
Remain loyal to your child and his emotional health;
don’t sacrifice him for the sake of a laugh, or as a way to apologize to someone else. Show him that his feelings are
valued by presenting those feelings in an honorable manner. If you need empathy
for yourself for a particularly long and difficult day or a trying moment, find
or create a private opportunity in which you can describe the details, laugh,
or exaggerate.
7. Express yourself
A child can learn a lot by watching the people around
her, so teach her by expressing your own
feelings honestly. Don’t hide or dismiss your own emotional state.
suppressing:
Oh, honey, Mama’s fine. I know I was crying, but it’s nothing. Did you finish
the TV show? Are you hungry?
instead:
Yes, I’m crying. I feel sad. It’s not for you to worry about, honey. I’m sad,
but I’m still your Mama, and I can take care of you even if I’m sad.
There’s no need to tell your child
all the details of your personal life or financial situation, but by expressing
your own true emotions you can model what you’d like to see from her.
Lasting results
When raised in an emotional
environment that is consistently and conscientiously made emotionally safe,
children will think nothing of not only identifying what they truly feel, but
freely expressing those emotions. A household in which emotional freedom is the
norm may be a wilder one —emotions
are never tidy, and seldom quiet—but the benefits of such freedom are great. In
the short term, children who recognize their own feelings develop empathy for
others, and can make generosity, appreciation, and resolution of conflicts
natural parts of their day. In the long term, emotionally healthy children have
a better chance of growing into successful, fulfilled, dynamic adults who are
able to negotiate all the social challenges of life. What more could a parent
want for them?
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