Talk Feeleez

Cyber-empathy

My sister used this image in her blog today, used the title "In Pieces" and described her struggle with the day.

Today. I feel incompetent. Foolish. Behind. Anxious. Scared, maybe just Nervous. I feel mean. Cold. Angry. Biting. Today I do not like myself. My stupid boots. Shaggy pants. Limp hair. Taut mouth. Today my heart is in my stomach. And I didn’t poop. And my voice is weak. And I both yelled and cried on the street. Over nothing much actually. Just a little stress and a kink in the plan. How easily I was overcome. I didn’t put up a fight. Allowed the day to pass without joy. This poor Tuesday.
I prefer hard days to be well earned.
Tomorrow.

She lives far away, nine hours by car. At this point it might as well be on the other side of the Earth in terms of being able to physically see her, but she mentions things that make me curious, like "shaggy pants" and "stupid boots", little descriptions without a description that make me want to knock on her door and ask a million questions. Is she talking about dog hair? Is that why her pants are shaggy? Is it the Dansko boots she thinks are stupid? Because I've always thought those were just the cutest things ever...

But of course I can't knock on her door, in fact she didn't even answer her phone tonight, in truth she seldom does even on a fantastic day, and it doesn't matter what I think anyway. If you aren't feeling right, if your dial is turned to Shitty, then no boot is going to appear attractive, or useful, or good in any way, and reassurance by an outside body isn't helpful. I think my sister is the bees-knees, the yummiest, funniest, feels-good-to-my-soul lady in town, but that opinion is simply trivia, simply an opinion. An irrelevant one.

Solutions suck too. Recommendations and practical suggestions, blech.

So do stories that start with Oh, I had a day like that yesterday... or, Yeah, I've been totally PMSing too... Even if offers of chocolate and female camaraderie are made, hearing someone else's troubles when you can barely see through the veil of your own is no kind of balm.

She feels bad. Mean. Tired. Angry. Biting. Nervous. Anxious. Incompetent. Cold. Scared. Foolish. 

And I love her for spreading it out like that, for not couching it. For not worrying about our reaction to that kind of display so much that a watering down is necessary, or a platitude. Or two. 

I love honesty.

She's doing us a favor really, by revealing in this way. Of course I don't want her to feel horrible, would love her with empathy in person if I could. I guess cyber-empathy might look something like:

:( 

or:

Dang.

or:

Crap. That totally sucks.

And that might help. But in any case it's okay if it doesn't, I certainly don't need her to change. Feelings are feelings and by the time she sifts through them all and returns to the top of the pile they will have changed of their own accord. 

 

 

 

elementary empathy

In our world empathy is everything. We could not have the happy family we enjoy without it. Our blood pressure would be sky high without it. Our girls would be crabby and mean without it. But what is it?

Definition:

Empathy is the capability to share another being's emotions and feelings.

Not to be confused with sympathy: Sympathy is the feeling of compassion, concern and/or pity for another, the wish to see them better off or happier. (For more of my thoughts on empathy versus sympathy, see here.)

But what does empathy actually look like? Here are some scenarios. The actual empathy will be set in italics.

Scenario 1: Echo (3) crash lands in the grass, starts to cry.

Me: Oh gosh! Are you hurt?

Echo: Yeah! I fell!!

Me: Yeah, you did. What's hurting?

Echo: My leg! Waaah!

Me: Oh ouch.

Echo: My leg got all bent up, and it hurts.

Me: Owie. You didn't like landing like that.

Echo: No.

Scenario 2: Xi (7) comes to me after an argument with Bella.

Me: Hi honey. Are you sad? You look sad. What happened?

Xi: Bella and I got in a fight.

Me: Oh darn.

Xi: I didn't want to give her this shell because I already gave her two shells. And then she kicked me.

Me: Oh. Pretty scary huh?

Xi: Yeah.

Me: You don't like it when Bella is mad at you do you.

Xi: No. And she kicked me right in the back and I ran away.

Me: Oh man. Ouch. Is it still hurting?

Xi: No, not really.

Me: Are you still sad about it? (Rubbing her back)

Xi: Yeah.

Me: Shoot.

Scenario 3: The lego robots that Bella (9) has been working on fall to the carpet and break.

Bella: GRRRRRRRR! (Throws herself on the floor, thrashes about)

Me: Oh man! They fell huh?

Bella: Yes. (Through gritted teeth)

Me: You're mad.

Bella: Yes. (Crying)

Me: Oh, REALLY mad. You worked really hard on those.

Bella: Yeah. I worked on them all morning and now they're worthless.

Me: Yeah, I saw you working really hard. And now you're really frustrated, it feels like all that work for nothing huh?

Bella: Yeah.

Me: That's not how you wanted it to end up. Shit. ( Back rubbing, hair petting, hugs)

This is what the words look like, but they only work, meaning they only feel like empathy, when you actually feel them, feel the feelings of the kids. In fact empathy doesn't require words, it can also happen with body postures and facial expressions.

Something to note as well is that the scenarios above do not involve fixing. In order for empathy to have an effect it is best delivered as a pure substance. Moving too quickly to a solution ( a bandaid, or help rebuilding the robots) dilutes the power of empathy, even rendering it useless. Children might want help with their situation, but that comes in time, rushing through their emotions straight to the fix it job is usually extremely frustrating, and often increases the strength of the existing feelings. Only when they feel completely heard, (felt, really), are children even ready to move on.

Sometimes, waiting for the child to be ready to move on takes a long time. A really long time. Self-empathy, when you're tired of holding and rubbing backs, and ready to go back to blogging, or making dinner, or knitting, is essential. For this scenario:

Oh man. I'm tired of this. I'm ready to go back to what I was doing.

A little dose of self-empathy goes a long way in being able to continue offering empathy to your children.

empathy delivery

There really is nothing like pure empathy, not sympathy, not "oh that happened to me once", not a pat on the shoulder, but an authentic understanding of your feelings. Empathy can change your emotional state completely, and it frees you to give empathy in return instead of fiercely defending and describing your own situation again and again. Real empathy isn't common, at least not yet, so chances are that a few of us could use some. So here goes,

I hereby declare a large dose of empathy for anyone:

• that has a partner that doesn't seem to enjoy parenthood as much as you'd like
• that is overwhelmed by the work in their life, by the long list that seems to never get shorter, or more fulfilling
• that is apart from their family, or parts of their family, and yearns for everyday connection with those dear people
• that worries where the money for the cell phone bill is going to come from
• that feels alone, like there isn't anyone that truly knows them, or cares for them, or notices them at all
• that is feeling fat
• that didn't get enough sleep last night, or the night before
• that has a sick child and is tired of the seemingly endless run of sniffles, fevers, and coughs
• that is ready for Spring; picnics, sandals, and skirts, but keeps waking up to clouds and drizzle

xo

Have a wonderful weekend. If you'd like to add anything to this list and forward it to someone you know that could use a little empathy, let me know.