Talk Feeleez

Code Word: Giraffe

 

A page from our book "Some Monsters" which is still looking for a home at a publishing house.

In our children's book Some Monsters, one of the tricks for battling monster fears is to keep a flashlight handy and shine it into the dark corners every now and then. I think the same could be said for parenting. Totally triggered by something your child is doing? Bring out the mag light and do some serious poking around. Children are born good people, they aren't psychopaths that will grow up to kill, rob, and knock over old ladies if parents don't mash and mold them into moral folk. The goodness is there already, blooming, and when they mess up, or piss us off (That's what we mean by "mess up" isn't it?), it's usually for a good reason.

They have needs that aren't being met.

or

They are experiencing a feeling so unbearable that their primal brain compels them to an action that might discharge some of that emotion.

or

They have developed some belief about themselves or others in the absence of information.

or

.... something else.

The other day I walked over to pick Echo up from our friend Romy's house. She didn't kick and scream when I told her it was time to go, but outside the gate when she handed me her tap shoes to carry and I hesitated for a split second, rage flared behind her face and she jabbed impatiently, ready to lose her shit.

A few steps later I said, so sweetly, and non-aggressively: "So Echo... lately I've noticed that you've been mad at me. Kind of out of the blue, anger leaps out. Are you mad now? I'm confused because I don't understand why."

Know what she said? 

Nothing.

She kept walking and didn't say a word.

I kept my cool. "Wow. I feel really sad that you aren't answering me. I'm so super frustrated by that."

Nothing.

"Man, this feels terrible." (Starting to lose a little cool.)

Then she said: "I don't want to talk about it!"

Me: "Why not?"

Echo, exasperated: "I just said I don't want to talk about and you're talking about it!!!!"

Then I did lose it. Totally triggered by this point I pulled out all the "info" about how at our house we don't do time outs and spanking, that we talk about things instead. And if we can't talk about things then what do we do??? I put "info" in quotes because really it was a veiled threat (If you don't talk about this, then what choice will I have other than something totally unsavory?) and also because Echo was certainly not receiving information. She was triggered too, and in that state no one hears information.

It got worse. I think I even decided I'd "play that game" too and joined in on the silent treatment. It wasn't pretty. Echo sat on the porch and cried. I steamed in the kitchen. I checked on her a couple times, each time a little more gentle and neutral. Eventually she was ready for deep sobbing and lots of hugging. I propped her on the counter and together we pulled out the metaphoric flashlight and took a look around her emotional mind.

It wasn't a quick process. There was a lot of empathy for all of the feelings Echo was experiencing, starting with the loneliness and sadness she felt out on the porch, then going further back, for the frustration she felt on the walk home, then further back, for the anger she felt toward me about the tap shoes. This part is hard for me, the part where I give her empathy for her feelings even though I am so tempted to say: "But I didn't do anything wrong with the tap shoes! Why were you mad at me?!", or "You were alone on the porch because you decided to be alone on the porch!" Empathy is for the feelings involved, not a condoning of actions, or an agreement about the "truth" of the situation. Empathy is acknowledging that her reality is real for her, and her feelings are valid regardless.

Plus, I was interested in helping her move back into her higher brain where we could discuss rationally the recent trend to be angry with me and to not want to talk about that anger. Empathy was going to soothe her feelings enough for her brain to feel like the environment was safe enough to re-open the executive function. 

We kept shining the light. She was able to describe a feeling that compelled her to hide her feelings. She said the sensation was like being slapped anytime she thought to share her emotions. She said the feeling was dark green and lurked inside her, spreading across her whole stomach and chest. It was a scary feeling, like having an enemy inside that told her not to trust anyone and that it was shameful to share, and not safe.

You can just imagine my eyes popping out of my head can't you?

Now that her whole brain was back online we looked at when this began. She was certain the green feeling arrived before our trip to Santa Cruz but remained hidden because she was too distracted by all of the fun. Then she got real quiet, for several moments, before crumbling into sobs. She revealed that the scary audio story, Revenge of the Witch is responsible. Revenge of the Witch is a story we picked up at the library. In preparation for our trip I immediately loaded it onto the ipod. Echo started listening to it right away and I didn't think anything of it. From the outside she looked rapt as usual. Little did I know that Echo was scared out of her mind. She finished the entire six disc program before letting me know that she had been living a horror story through headphones for two days straight.

Dammit.

Anyway, she thinks she felt so scared by that story that the idea sprouted in her mind that you couldn't trust anyone, not even your mom.

So although she had been wanting to talk, although she had been wanting to share her feelings, that green presence in her torso slapped her back, and scared her from doing so. Our troubles would start because she wanted me to know what she was feeling without having to tell me. And when I failed, she felt angry.

So complicated.

Now our plan is this: When the green sensation pops up Echo will use her code word: "Giraffe". My response is to give her a hug and know that she will talk about whatever is bothering her later, when the green feeling subsides. We've tried it once so far with great success. She also is going to build a bonfire with Papa and perform a ritual that involves burning  a piece of paper with the word DISTRUST.

Holy shit.

There I was, walking along the sidewalk, pissed and triggered by this little twerp who was mad at me for no reason and giving me the silent treatment. Little did I know about Revenge of the Witch and terror, and green feelings slapping her from the inside and preventing her from speaking. Does it make sense to me? Nope. Not much. But that doesn't matter. It makes sense, to her. She isn't a misbehaving twerp, she's a person with her own sense of logic, rationale, and emotional landscape.

I'm so glad we pulled out the flashlight instead of the paddle.

Empathy Delivery

There really is nothing like pure empathy, not sympathy, not "oh that happened to me once", not a pat on the shoulder, but an authentic understanding of your feelings. Empathy can change your emotional state completely, and it frees you to give empathy in return instead of fiercely defending and describing your own situation again and again. Real empathy isn't common, at least not yet, so chances are that a few of us could use some. So here goes,

I hereby declare a large dose of empathy for any and all:

**That are sick in bed today. That sucks. What a bummer when your body doesn't cooperate with your mind and you're sick and tired of being horizontal.

**That are negotiating life with a newborn. What a challenge and a change! Sitting still for hours and hours of nursing, subordinating your own basic needs (peeing, eating, sleeping) to the needs of this newcomer, recreating your life with your partner in new and unfamiliar ways, and redefining the very essence of who you are after years of defining yourself in other ways (worker, lover, do-er). Oof! 

**That are feeling like they are old enough now that they really should have figured some of the big stuff out. Like career, or money, or both, and then judging themselves for not having figured it out. That's hard. And heavy.

**That have to  negotiate with a co-parent which house the kids are going to be at and when. The holidays sure provide opportunities for this sort of thing to get all twisted around. How tiring and frustrating to not know for sure how things will work out.

**That are caring for a sniffly child. It hurts the heart to see a little one suffer doesn't it? And it's so challenging to meet your own needs (moving your body, getting work done) while playing the nurse role. 

 

Need empathy for something not on the list? I can give it to you. Or if you'd like to add anything to this list and forward it to someone you know that could use a little empathy, just leave a comment and I'll see to it. 

xo

Prodigies

I suppose if Nathan and I were race-car drivers our children would be mounting some engine-powered thing and zooming around a track. If we were a rodeo family we'd say: "That young'in has been riding a horse before she could walk!". But we're not. You know this already I'm pretty sure. Instead we are Empathy Champions, and Empathy Entrepreneurs. "Talking shop" at our house means a lot of brain science and feeling words. So I suppose it's no wonder that our children, knowing nothing other than this sort of thing, toss this shit around like pros. 

The other day Echo got upset about something, something small that didn't match her level of emotion, and before I got my head on straight I offered to simply fix the thing that was bothering her. Oh she was pissed by that. With a growl: "MOM! IT"S NOT A GREEN LIGHT!!!"

This child. She is referring to the fact that human beings are not capable of processing information like solutions or advice when they are in a heightened state of emotion. When intense feelings pop up the brain pulls back to just the basics. The only way to re-open the higher functioning brain is to support the emotional system (usually through empathy) and wait for the rest of brain function to kick back in.

I was busted.

In my haste I forgot the brain science. But she didn't.

(Our new charts that illustrate this phenomenon are now in the shop.)

At the library yesterday the girls jostled for who would get to swipe their library books through the check-out machine first. Echo muscled her way to the front. When I asked her to pause she was irritated. I explained that Xi wasn't feeling good about the situation. With impatience Echo said: "Well Mom, just give her empathy for that so we can get these books checked out!"

In fact the sibling fighting has developed new dimensions with the girls increasing knowledge of all things empathy related. They still fight. Fucking A they fight. But the discussions about the fights have improved and their attempts to avoid fighting have gotten better. Echo lately has been that fierce version of a child, the flare up with a red face and fight for your life kind of child, even when the issue at hand is nothing more than a fairy figurine. Xi hates this. She hates it when Echo yells at her, hates it when Echo lashes out, hates it that their game comes to a crashing horrendous end. But after she receives empathy she is full of empathy for Echo. Instead of seeing Echo simply as a lame little sister she sees her as someone struggling and she's super willing to help out. 

Together the girls decided that when Echo reached her blow-up stage Xi would give her empathy and touch her - in an attempt to soothe her emotional system. (Be still my Empathy Champion heart!). But Xi soon found that when Echo blew up she didn't particularly feel warm and cozy toward her, she felt pissed. So we talked about being able to soothe our emotional systems with self-empathy. Xi was going to give herself some to help herself out and Echo was going to use it to slow down her flare-ups. Echo calls it MAGIC (which it is) and avoided enough battles that day by declaring "frustration!" to make me want to dance the two-step.

In fact Xi ended up holding Echo for a long time as Echo cried. She was feeling left out, feeling alone because everyone else in the family has a better handle on emotions than she does. We huddled together in an empathetic cuddle, letting her know that she'd get there. You'd think we were talking about staying up past ten or some other coveted milestone.

On Saturday when Xi wanted to wait in the car and read library books instead of accompanying me into the craft store Echo started to cry. When we tuned in Echo said: "Xi keeps changing her mind about this. It feels unnerving!"

Unnerving. I love it. 

Unnerving isn't in the Feeleez ABCs but maybe it should be. We put our copy of the ABCs on the laptop as a screensaver. So throughout the day the cute illustrations pop up. Our girls, unbelievably, are not tired of these images. They crowd around the ones they like and suggest new ones daily. "Mom, there should be an Nora Feels Nervous! or a Karen Feels Krazy! or an Echo Feels Enraged page!" I'm loving the screensaver use of the book because it's not very often that a family settles down in front of the computer to read an Ebook. (We're still looking for a publisher! I look forward to the day this book is in good ol' fashioned paper form.) But images flickering throughout the day makes for casual but effective emotional learning. It's fairly brilliant.

Basically we're dorking out on empathy around here. But I can't think of a better subject to moon over, for us, for our community, for the world at large, than empathy.

 

 

Another!

We're on fire over here! This is Nathan's vision, my design. Another teaching tool for our Building An Emotionally Safe Home workshop.

I find this one super enlightening. It comes up again and again! See that tree pattern with the branches stretching all over? All that stretching, all those branches, all those pathways are built within the brain to process logic and reason. BUT, get this, they only get built or built extensively, IF the social system is well taken care of.

Holy Moly.

This is why they say that kids with strong emotional skills, kids that have experienced routine empathy, lead more successful lives. Their brains are bigger! Ok, maybe not physically bigger, but they have more pathways! This means that when your kid melts down because you paused the audio story in the middle of the sentence instead of during a pause between sentences and throws herself on the floor and loses her shit, when that happens the way you respond (oh, okay the way I respond, since this is my kid we're talking about) helps her access her executive function. Meaning, by using empathy I chill out her social system and her executive brain functioning switches back on and she and I can discuss audio-story-pausing-etiquette. And if I do this empathy thing regularly,  throughout her development, I am supporting further brain development, giving her brain a chance to build more and more pathways.

In other words when you help yer kid through empathy you give them access to their whole brain. And when you do this repeatedly, as the norm, you allow them to grow millions more pathways than they ordinarily would. Pathways are good. Empathy makes geniuses.

When children aren't supported emotionally through intense emotion they have no choice but to operate from their reflexive system, from instinct. Remember what main instincts humans have? Fight or Flight, baby. This is why sometimes, during intense emotion, kids will physically lash out. If they don't have emotional support they have to operate from this zone because access to executive function is blocked. Sometimes when kids "act out" their parents punish them for making the "wrong choice", which is sad because actually no choice, no logic is being employed when a child is operating from the reflexive part of their brain. Choice only becomes an option if the child is given empathy for the emotions they are experiencing.

Bottom line? You want to support the shit out of your child's social system.

How?

• touch
• nursing/sucking
• warmth
• rocking/movement
• talking it out
• taking time
• empathy!

Want more? If you are local to Missoula come to the workshop!

October 20th, Open Way Mindfulness Center (702 Brooks Ave) 2pm - 4pm. $50

And another! November 23rd, Meadowsweet Herbs 2pm - 4pm  $50

Not local? We're taking this on the road! Want to host a workshop?

email me: [email protected]

Emotional Anatomy!

1. We are all good people! It's true. Underneath our layers of quirks, expressions, behaviors, and feelings we are all inherently pure and good.

2. We all have needs! Every human being has the same set of basic needs. If we get our needs met we feel positive feelings. Some of the needs are easy to imagine: food, shelter, water. Others are less apparent yet still vital: autonomy, creativity, harmony, growth, joy, hope, etc.

Humans have an automatic instinct to look for ways to get their needs met. Sometimes we are conscious of this (like grocery shopping to get our food needs met) and sometimes we aren't. If your kid is acting in ways that completely baffle you, it's likely that he or she is seeking ways to get a need met. If you can detect what that need is the two of you can brainstorm ways to get that need met in a way that is satisfying to all parties. 

3. We all have feelings! Seriously, no matter who you are you have feelings, and so does the guy next to you. Having feelings is OKAY! Feelings are never wrong. Feelings happen but they also shift quickly if allowed expression. This is where empathy comes in. Empathy means recognizing and understanding the feelings of another person. Offering empathy to a child that is experiencing intense emotion builds connection and trust. It also aids a quick processing of that emotion. It also gives the child a safe space to explore the cause of that feeling and find ways to get their needs met. 

4. We all can choose our actions! What we do with our feelings is up to us. Some of these actions help our family or community and some of them don't. In other words, all feelings are okay but all actions are not. Parental guidance about actions should pertain to the actions alone and not the underlying feelings. For example: Discussing the choice to hit when angry instead of talking things out is a worthy discussion, but the parent should be clear that the hitting is what you are discouraging not the anger itself. 

But don't rush! When humans feel strong emotion their executive brain functioning shuts down and the primal brain takes over. It's fight or flight at this point, so a lot of words (or punishment) about choice of action go completely UNHEARD. If you want to be effective in the discussion about actions you have to wait until the executive brain function has turned back on. How do you get it turned back on? Empathy! Offering empathy for the present feelings helps the feelings move up the emotional ladder into milder emotions, at that point the executive brain turns back on and the child can actually hear and understand information and logic.

*************************************************************************************************************************

My mind has been going crazy. I go to bed around midnight and lately I stare at the ceiling for the next hour spinning through fabulous ideas. I have to stumble into the bathroom and jot them down so that I remember my genius in the morning.

When we started Feeleez we had big dreams of worldwide effectiveness. But we also had babies and no business experience and NO IDEA WHAT WE WERE DOING. It makes me smile now because six years into this we are getting to all of the dreamed of parts. As it turns out businesses need time to mature and the business owners need time as well. Only now are we educated enough, equipped enough, and experienced enough to make our more elaborate Feeleez dreams come true.

I'm talking workshops people.

Major, exciting, informative, life-changing workshops to be presented in schools across the country. Our workshops are designed to create a safe emotional space in the classroom. A safe emotional environment is key to unlocking empathy in children. We have workshops geared to educators, para-educators, counselors, and parents. But we're not stopping there! We also are offering a presentations to the kids too! Think props and humour, think silliness and empowerment. 

See why my mind is spinning! This is so exciting!

I love presenting information, especially information that helps kids to the degree that emotional safety and empathy do. The poster above is one I cooked up to help explain, in our workshops, the way emotional anatomy works.

Enjoy!

 

ps. I'll keep you posted about workshop development and about when we can come to your school.

 

Aaah/Arg, Summer

Xi's pickle face.

When the sun came out and the grass greened up and school let out I was like: AAAH, summer! But when the girls started arguing about the polly pockets, the blue ball, the pink ball, the couch cushion, and the bar stools from sunup to sundown I was like: ARG, summer!

Instead of keeping the peace during the hour before school and the handful of hours after school, the peace-keeping challenge was suddenly ALL DAY. Eeek. At one point I thought to mention this out loud. In as neutral a tone I could manage I said: Hey girls. You might want to consider that you guys are going to be together ALL DAY today, and ALL DAY the next day, and ALL DAY the next day and on and on. Keep that in mind when you are deciding whether or not something is worth fighting about.

Strangely enough they did seem to think about it and the fighting lost it's razor edge. It's as though they became further invested in their relationship.

And when they did get into fights and needed my help I tried to remind myself of the same thing. We were all going to be together all day and all the other days so it would behoove us parents to invest in the relationships involved as well. Instead of smoothing things over just long enough to get through the before and after school hours it's worth it to dig in and get to the bottom of things.

Worth it yes, yet at the same time not always what I want to be doing at any given moment. When Xi offered to help Echo with her belt and Echo ignored her and came to me instead and Xi started crying and Echo started steeling herself to continue doing what she wanted to do, I wasn't thrilled by any means. Sometimes I want it just to stop and I don't want to get involved. Sometimes I want to go back to what I was doing pretty darn badly.

But this is what I am here to do.

So I started out rote:

You really wanted to help her huh? You're pretty mad and sad about that? You didn't like it that she didn't answer you?

You really didn't want her help huh? You didn't even want to give her an answer huh?

How boring I sound even to myself! But I got some nods of agreement and a look of relief that I actually was involving myself and that somehow things would be addressed. I rubbed backs. I stood there quietly waiting for something to shift. Then I got curious.

It's amazing what happens at this point. Empathy + Curiosity = WOW.

Xi what happens for you when you help someone? 

I got a lot of "I don't knows", which is Xi's go-to answer under pressure, but I kept asking questions. When I asked her what color her helping-others feeling is she couldn't answer, but when Echo piped up with the color her not-wanting-help feeling is Xi suddenly came to life. As it turns out, when Xi gets the chance to help someone else it's pretty much the best feeling in the world to her. It's a pale, warm coral color and it hums in her heart in a magnificent way. When her help is turned down by another that helping-feeling gets usurped by a dark, horrible one. It's color is a green-brown, like the vapor from Cruella DeVille's smoldering cigarette. This feeling is heavy and vengeful.

Yikes.

We moved to the Feeleez poster next and worked through Echo's feelings about being helped by someone. I thought maybe there was something about feeling grown up and not wanting her sister to parent her, so I poked around in that spot. Nope nothing. With more time at the poster Echo started crying and explained that for her it feels like if she accepts help from someone other than her mom her mom isn't her mom as much. Being helped by me is the same as being mothered by me, being mothered is the same as having a mom. So if she gets help from someone other than me, her mind does the math and ends up with NO MOM.

Xi and I looked at each other with bugged-out eyes. In fact at this point Xi said: Wow! I didn't know that was part of it. I though she was just being mean.

 

Results: 

For Xi: giving help = wonderful joy. Being denied the chance to help = black anger.

For Echo: receiving help = no mom.

 

Suddenly the belt incident became something so much more for us all. For me it went from an annoying, pointless, disruptive sibling squabble to something of far greater importance and I was so glad I chose to invest. There at the poster with Xi and Echo there wasn't a compact happy ending. We didn't have a tidy idea that might solve this problem in the future but we did have a deep understanding of the emotional landscape behind such a trivial event. The girls were helped by the process alone and had certainly moved on from where they were during the fight. They were now on the same team. They were serious allies equipped with new knowledge of one another's hearts. 

Later when Xi asked Echo if she could help her read a book, Echo turned her down, but in deference to Xi's feelings she explained with extreme tenderness: Well Xi? This time I really wanted mama to help me... but when we are done you could help me with the books in this stack! I have a whole bunch that I picked out. Okay?

And with that I was back to: AAAH, summer!

@*#*!

Look at this sweet angelic face.

Now spend a few minutes as a fly on the wall at our house these days and you might hear, straight from the mouth of this angelic babe:

Damn shit bucket fucks!

ALL DAY LONG

 

Out of cocoa ingredients?

Damn shit in a bucket fuckballs!

Little bit of spilled water?

Fuckin bucket! 

Going to sleep at the end of a long day?

I'm tired as hell but I'm also hell shit thirsty. And damn that! Fucking shit hell... grumble, grumble... thirsty.

Excited about a new turn in a imaginative game with your sister?

Crappin' awesome!!!

Struggling to find a new engaging activity?

Bored fucking bored balls, bored fucking bored balls, bored fucking bored balls...

 

That's the theme music around these parts. Echo is sowing her wild oats in the swearing department. From sunup to sundown any opportunity for a well-placed expletive is seized wholeheartedly. Echo is no stranger to colorful language, I posted about it the first time here and stirred up a little cyber-ire. And you don't have to look far to discover where she might have picked up these choice words as her parents certainly let fly when need arises, but the commitment to fill her sentences chock-full of as many shit, fucks, and craps as she can is all her own.

I'm not worried about it.

Last night I made a neutral comment, saying that I noticed she was using a lot of swear words these days. I asked her why.

Echo: Well... I just feel cool... and I like the words shitfuckcrapbucket.

Me: Is it hard for you not to say them out in the world?

Echo: Yeah.

Me: But you don't say them...

Echo: Yeah, 'cuz people wouldn't like that. And... it would kind of be like pulling my pants down in public and shouting: LOOK AT MY VAGINA!.

Me: You mean... inappropriate?

Echo: Yeah.

 

This is why I am not worried. This girl's sense of empathy for others is seriously heightened. Her care for how others feel is so acute that she can unleash shitcrapfuckbucket a hundred times at home and reign it in completely in public. And the best part is that rules have nothing to do with it! We didn't have to threaten her with a mouth full of soap or give her the evil eye in public, with a little information over the years about some people feeling sensitive to particular words, she has chosen to self-regulate. She even goes so far as to include idiot, stupid, and dumb from her public vocabulary - something that I think we all might consider even though they don't land on the official "swear word" list.

At home she checked in with each of us individually, to see if we would mind a spurt of serious cussing, and having gotten clearance, she is letting loose.

Darn shit bucket fucks.

*****

As an avenue toward more empathy and fewer rules, check out our emotional learning tools on the Feeleez site.

How to Use the Feeleez Poster

Who The Feeleez poster is for any one person, or group of people, experiencing intense emotion.

    

Where The poster is best hung in a high-traffic area that is easy to access and to use frequently. It's also a good idea to hang it very low on the wall so that even the littlest folks in the family (or classroom) can point to the images.

    

When The poster is meant to be used at anytime, but especially when one is experiencing intense emotion. The poster can help process emotions, whether it means lingering in feelings that feel good, or moving through less enjoyable feelings.

    

Why It turns out that our brains are incapable of higher processing when managing intense emotions. This means that new solutions, creative ideas, logic, reason, and empathy are impossible for children (and adults!) when heightened emotion is present. The Feeleez poster offers children the opportunity to identify their feelings and receive empathy - this process immediately brings the intensity down and allows the child to move forward.

    

HOW

    

*Using the Feeleez poster is a loving option to be offered to a child in distress. It is never to be required or used as a consequence or punishment.

    

1. Offer your child the option of using the poster to get some help with their feelings.

Ex: "Would you like to go to the poster to tell me more about this?"

    

2. Make the suggestion that your child select some images that describe how he is feeling.

    

    

3. PAUSE. This is the most important stage of the process. In this moment you slow. way. down. 

• a. offer empathy
• b. ask questions
• c. reenact the scenario with empathetic language

Here's an example with just one child. (This is the adult end of the conversation):

Ex: "Oh darn. (a) That's how you're feeling huh? (b) Yeah I can see that, that makes sense. (a) You feel like this one too? (b) Oh wow. That's hard. (a) You were just playing happily and the cat came along and bit you on the arm? (c) Darn-nit. (a) That's not what you wanted at all is it. (a) You didn't do anything to the cat you were just playing. (c) You didn't want to be bitten. (c) You like the cat, you weren't trying to bother it. (c) And then he just bit you for no reason at all! (c) What a bummer huh?"

Here's an example when two children are involved. (This is the adult end of the conversation):

"Oh shoot. You guys are having a hard time huh? Which ones do you feel like Abby... This one? Oh yeah. This one too? And this one? Wow, that's a tough combo huh? What about you Nellie. Which ones are you feeling like... Oh, that one huh? This one too? Oh, sure, I can see that." 

"So Abby you were playing and it seemed like from your perspective that Nellie just grabbed that toy away from you huh? You were so mad about that. Yeah, that makes sense. Sure. And you were so mad that you just hit her huh? You were so mad. You don't want someone to take away the things you are using. It doesn't feel good. Sounds like you were frustrated too, like this drawing, am I right? Wow. Yeah, that's hard."

"And Nellie you saw this toy just lying there and it looked completely available. You didn't know Abby was playing with it. Were you so surprised when Abby hit you? Like this drawing here? And it hurt too? I bet. What a terrible surprise to suddenly be hit. Did you get mad then? You did? Is that why you picked this drawing here? Sure, that makes sense. You don't like being hit at all. You want to be able to play in safety and not have to worry about being hurt. When she hit you you were you mad, like this drawing? Or sad, like this one... A bit of a combo huh. Oh darn you guys that sounds so hard."

This stage can last anywhere from a couple minutes to several minutes. As a rule of thumb we recommend staying here, even silently, for AT LEAST two solid minutes. 

4. Look for signs that emotions have shifted.

Facial expressions, body postures, lighter spirits, joking, and physical affection are all signs that emotions are starting to shift. This may be the end of the process! Often children, at this point, have moved completely on and are unburdened by their previous emotions. They are ready for solutions and cooperation and affection. At our house we often ask if our girls need to talk more, and if not we seal it with a hug and carry on.

If it seems that things have not shifted, return to step 3, or try 4a.

4a. Ask your child which images on the poster she would rather feel like. 

4b. Offer empathy, ask questions.

Ex: "Yes, I can imagine that. You want to feel good and smiling and happy. You'd much rather feel like this drawing, or this one. Of course. Darn. You don't like where you are. You can imagine what these drawings feel like and you want that. Totally."

4c. Gently ask your child what he needs in order to feel more like the drawings he chose. Offer ideas as well.

Ex: "What do you think you might need to feel the way you'd like?"

Wait here for several beats before jumping to solutions.

"Do you think food might help...?"

"Would you like a long hug...?"

"Do you want help coming up with an idea for the issue...?"

"Do you want some time just to be quiet...?"

Your child may grasp for one of one these options and may not. If you are having trouble figuring out some ideas to offer think about what need your child might have and offer a way to fill that need. Does she need reassurance? Sustenance? Does she need connection? For a full list of human needs visit this page.

5. Wait. When these steps seem to fail, or if your child isn't moving as quickly as you think he should, just wait. Remain in an empathetic stance, holding and hugging your child if they allow, and wait. We like to think of this position as a big, padded, boring envelope in which to surround your child. Children, unlike adults are comfortable with long pauses, they do not need you to fill the air with encouragement or maxims. Children in this state need only your empathy (even silent) and presence. With enough patience the feelings will pass.

NOTE: Absent from this dialog is: blame, punishment, praise, lesson-teaching, or parental opinions. This is a space exclusively created for the the processing of emotions. If you wish to give information about the rules of the house, point out who "started it", or mete out consequences this should be done (if at all) after the emotional processing is complete. This is to ensure that a. your words and logic can even be heard and understood, and b. your children feel safe and comfortable enough to express their true feelings while at the poster.

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To order your own Feeleez poster for your home, office, or classroom please visit www.store.feeleez.com. The poster is $15 and printed on recycled paper using soy-based ink. We'd love to send you one.

 

The Basics Still Pop Up

F*** PRAISE

At the soccer games some kids have parents on the sidelines that give them advice and praise when they do things "well" or "right", and these kids look to the sidelines constantly. When they miss a goal? Glance to the parents. When they kick or do something praise worthy? Glance to the parents. From where I stand the kids' game experience is filtered through the lens of the approving or disapproving parents.

This isn't what I want for my kids.

Our girl is like a mexican jumping bean, leaping from one thrill to another all over the field. Sometimes she's stoked because her teammate hugged her after a goal. Other times she's just simply pumped because soccer is crazy fun! When she looks at us we mimic her spastic enthusiasm - for no reason other than that she's silly-happy. At the game on sunday Echo had some technically successful moves and her coach bellowed out GOOD JOB ECHO!!! Our girl, who never hears these words, lapped it up. Her spastic joy movements spiked. But she didn't look at us. She just started running crazy again, all over the field, not even necessarily trying to repeat the great thing she was praised for. That praise she received seems to have nothing to do with how she feels about herself, or about soccer in general.

That's what I want for my kids.

Heck, that's what I want for myself. I want to write in spastic joy, not because my last post got thousands of shares and I want to repeat that, but because it's fun and feels good. I want to draw or sculpt, not because my last photo on Facebook got several "likes" but because it stirs my spirit to make things. Unfortunately praising children for the "good" they do has been the parenting ideal for decades and decades. My very make-up has been shaped by this tenant and it's hard to shake.

Here's to the next generation.

 

ATTACHMENT ISN'T JUST FOR BABIES

In other news...

Echo now sleeps in her mini bed next to ours. It seems like a personal challenge she has taken on and she's simply determined that this is how things will be from now on. I like it that she is making a choice free from parental or societal pressures. It feels like her personal flower is blooming at the precise pace that makes sense for her. And somehow for me this translates into a knowledge that she is becoming herself, a marvelous dynamic interesting self all her own.

I'd say four out of five nights she joins us in our bed sometime in the early hours. The other night she found me in the bathroom brushing my teeth before my own bedtime and she wanted me to help her fall back asleep. I was thinking we should just get in the parents bed because I was looking forward to some serious zzz's and the short nature of Echo's bed means that I can't actually sprawl out and pass out. 

But my girl wanted to "sleep in her own bed" and was hoping I would help her, then get up and get in my own bed. How I resisted! How this sounded a lot like postponing sleep! I tried to talk her out of it, but I was also totally aware of how stupid that was in the middle of the night with a half-conscious child. I inwardly railed against my circumstances. Then I remembered how long I nursed this girl. I remembered how long I carried this girl. I remembered how far I have pushed my strength in order to escort this being through this world in a way that felt good to us both.

Hell, my body and will can do anything for this child.

Suddenly my complaint of bent knees in a too-small bed seemed so paltry. If I was able to do all that I have been able to do - physically, emotionally, and psychologically in order to meet my own parenting goals in the past, I certainly can sleep (or not sleep) in a too-small bed for twenty minutes until my girl drifts back to dreamland.

 

EMPATHY, WHY DO I FORGET YOU SOMETIMES

I have a personal quirk that is sometimes difficult to manage. I like to walk the dog early in the day. It sounds like I simply have a preference for this time period but really it's more than that. As the day goes on, if I haven't taken a dog walk yet I feel anxious. I say it's because of the needs of the dog but it's also for me. Taking a walk is a need of mine. Also, once the walk is imminent and my mind is turned in that direction I am super impatient. Super. Impatient.

Yesterday, by the time we did tasks, picked up snacks for soccer, attended the Wild Walk Parade, and finished the soccer game itself I was ready for the dog walk, but Echo wouldn't go.

She had caught whiff of some possible computer time and in kid logic I think it seemed to her if she refused to go that possible computer time would happen and happen soon. My adult logic was like: Are you f-ing kidding me? Kid, your PARENTS ARE LEAVING. We aren't leaving you here, you aren't having computer time, and I will pick your ass up and manhandle you into the stroller. But I kept my cool. I swept the floor to still my impatience. Nathan and I got curious about Echo's stance. She gripped the chair she was sitting in, refused to elaborate and repeated that she. was. not. going.

Stalemate.

I swept for a long time. Then I finally asked if I could hold Echo. She consented to a hug. But the hug turned into holding. The holding turned into connection and empathy. Going for a walk just doesn't sound good huh? You're tired from your game and it sounds delicious to curl up and watch Planet Earth huh? That DOES sound good. I love Planet Earth. Now that we were on the same team I gave her some more information about my perspective - how I like to take good care of our dog, how I think of the dog walk as a task to complete, how I would be more open to Planet Earth after the walk because I will feel more relaxed and willing to let it last longer because I wouldn't be hurrying that part. Nathan and I also offered to walk the same loop but at a quick pace.  

And somehow it all worked out. Empathy is invisible but powerful. Even with a time lapse camera you wouldn't be able to see it actually doing it's thing, but you certainly can feel it taking affect. 

 

Invisible empathy in action.

 

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(No) praise, attachment, empathy. The basics still pop up.

 

 

Ideally I Would Have Skipped the Persuasion Part Altogether

From now on all of my posts will be about soccer.

Just kidding. 

But really those soccer games! I tell you it's like a whole parenting universe shrunk down to a bite-size and potent chunk. There are other kids doing things and I have thoughts about those things. And there are other parents doing things, and by god I certainly have thoughts about those things. And then there are MY KIDS!

Xi came to the soccer game this time and as we were arriving she was getting Echo psyched about her opponent, a local Orthodontics team in green jerseys. She was pretty sure Echo's team would win. And there it is that competition thing, the part I have been cringing about, the part I was worried other people would impose on my family, and the first time it reared up was in our own van. I ended up saying: "Well win or lose it doesn't really matter because you still get to do all the fun parts either way. You still get to run and cheer and kick and all that good stuff."

Then I crossed my fingers that mere words could land in the hearts of my girls and make a difference.

Then, unrelated to this conversation, Echo wouldn't play the game. 

Our worst nightmare! Okay, now that I read those lines it sounds a bit dramatic. The other night I woke up and Echo was nowhere to be found. Not in bed! In the middle of the night! I went into complete shock but before I FREAKED out and died of fear and sorrow that our littlest was taken in the night I went pee. In stumbled Echo - returning from (irrationally) having gone downstairs to find me - alive and well. Phew. So, a child disappearing is our worst nightmare, but in the world of sports, having the kid that simply won't go onto the field even though the game is starting is at the very least, nerve wracking. 

She was nervous. Too nervous and she wanted to go home.

Nathan and I pulled out all of the logic we could.

• - her team needed her to be the fifth player
• - her team needed her to help them protect the goal and get the ball
• - she had chosen to play soccer and this is what "playing soccer" means
• - they built the team with the notion that Echo would be the fifth player and it isn't really fair now to not be that fifth player
• - she was nervous last time and remember how much fun it was?
• - it would feel better after she started, perhaps she should just get out there and give it a shot
• - Xi is here to see the game and she really wants to see her sister play
• - we're asking you to trust us. We think this is really something you can do.
• - You can look to make your own fun, you can look for opportunities to have as much fun as possible.

But Echo was serious. She. Wasn't. Playing. Meanwhile the coach was calling for her and the game had actually started. We poured on the empathy. 

• You're cold.
• You're nervous.
• Oh man. That's hard.

Nathan and I were exchanging OH SHIT! glances as all of our words just rained down on the resolute girl.

Because here is the truth folks. You can't make kids do anything.

I wanted her to join her teammates. I also wanted her to have fun. I wanted her to want to play. But she didn't want to and even if I dragged her out there I couldn't make her actually play. Even if we threatened her with punishment we couldn't make her have fun or like soccer or do anything different than what she was doing. And of course I wasn't going to punish or threaten. Of course I am only ever going to use empathy and information because my relationship with my girl is more important than all of the drama possible at a kindergarten soccer game. 

Still I wanted her feet to move.

In the midst of it all I was able to slip in some self-empathy. I noticed I was embarrassed. And I was panicked. I wanted to run away to our van and get out of there. 

And then for no discernible reason Echo hugged each of us in turn, fiercely, with her eyes pinched closed. She ran out onto the field and had the time of her life. She was feisty and involved in every play. She was running and grinning and narrating her every move: "Uh uh uh...", she said to the ball, "Not so fast! You can't get away from me!!!" She had the time of her life.

We asked her about it later. Away from the epicenter of pure emotion she was able to break it down for us. The opposing team was a new one and that made her nervous. The field was new too. And there was an additional kid on her team too. All of this made her more nervous than before. The thought that inspired her to play though is that she remembered how much fun she had at the last game and she wouldn't even have a chance to have that kind of fun if she didn't play. And then once she was in the game she made a point of looking for all the fun she could find, and this literary girl knows very well that telling the story of playing the game while playing the game is a guaranteed source.

Ideally I would have skipped the persuasion part altogether. It didn't feel good at the time and it also didn't feel effective. And as it turns out there is a reason for this. When kids are in the throes of intense emotion they aren't able to process in the same way. Echo couldn't hear us about "fifth players" and "commitment" because she was deathly nervous. We said the words anyway because we were panicked and felt short of time (The coach was calling! The game was starting!) but if I had it to do over again I think I might go for empathy first and just suck it up and wait for a bit while that empathy sunk in.

Apparently, a person is actually incapable of complex thought when dealing with intense emotions. It's part of the human survival design. When confronted with a raging lion or anything else terrifying and life-threatening (like a soccer game) the part of the brain that deals with complex processing shuts down. It shuts down and boots up the reptilian brain. Your brain doesn't want you to have complex thought in these situations, it wants you to charge up your self-defense skills, like running away really fast or charging headlong - whatever it takes to stay alive. It doesn't want you weighing the odds or thinking about it too much. 

Only after the threat has passed, only after the emotions have been processed, does the rest of the brain turn back on. This is why explaining to your children about the rules and consequences of hitting while the child is in an enraged, flailing state is like throwing words into the wind. They don't stick. 

Empathy. (Time passing). Information. 

Oh but that part in parentheses can take forever! Waiting for emotions to shift enough for the complex brain to take back over is the most trying part of parenthood.