Talk Feeleez

Code Word: Giraffe

 

A page from our book "Some Monsters" which is still looking for a home at a publishing house.

In our children's book Some Monsters, one of the tricks for battling monster fears is to keep a flashlight handy and shine it into the dark corners every now and then. I think the same could be said for parenting. Totally triggered by something your child is doing? Bring out the mag light and do some serious poking around. Children are born good people, they aren't psychopaths that will grow up to kill, rob, and knock over old ladies if parents don't mash and mold them into moral folk. The goodness is there already, blooming, and when they mess up, or piss us off (That's what we mean by "mess up" isn't it?), it's usually for a good reason.

They have needs that aren't being met.

or

They are experiencing a feeling so unbearable that their primal brain compels them to an action that might discharge some of that emotion.

or

They have developed some belief about themselves or others in the absence of information.

or

.... something else.

The other day I walked over to pick Echo up from our friend Romy's house. She didn't kick and scream when I told her it was time to go, but outside the gate when she handed me her tap shoes to carry and I hesitated for a split second, rage flared behind her face and she jabbed impatiently, ready to lose her shit.

A few steps later I said, so sweetly, and non-aggressively: "So Echo... lately I've noticed that you've been mad at me. Kind of out of the blue, anger leaps out. Are you mad now? I'm confused because I don't understand why."

Know what she said? 

Nothing.

She kept walking and didn't say a word.

I kept my cool. "Wow. I feel really sad that you aren't answering me. I'm so super frustrated by that."

Nothing.

"Man, this feels terrible." (Starting to lose a little cool.)

Then she said: "I don't want to talk about it!"

Me: "Why not?"

Echo, exasperated: "I just said I don't want to talk about and you're talking about it!!!!"

Then I did lose it. Totally triggered by this point I pulled out all the "info" about how at our house we don't do time outs and spanking, that we talk about things instead. And if we can't talk about things then what do we do??? I put "info" in quotes because really it was a veiled threat (If you don't talk about this, then what choice will I have other than something totally unsavory?) and also because Echo was certainly not receiving information. She was triggered too, and in that state no one hears information.

It got worse. I think I even decided I'd "play that game" too and joined in on the silent treatment. It wasn't pretty. Echo sat on the porch and cried. I steamed in the kitchen. I checked on her a couple times, each time a little more gentle and neutral. Eventually she was ready for deep sobbing and lots of hugging. I propped her on the counter and together we pulled out the metaphoric flashlight and took a look around her emotional mind.

It wasn't a quick process. There was a lot of empathy for all of the feelings Echo was experiencing, starting with the loneliness and sadness she felt out on the porch, then going further back, for the frustration she felt on the walk home, then further back, for the anger she felt toward me about the tap shoes. This part is hard for me, the part where I give her empathy for her feelings even though I am so tempted to say: "But I didn't do anything wrong with the tap shoes! Why were you mad at me?!", or "You were alone on the porch because you decided to be alone on the porch!" Empathy is for the feelings involved, not a condoning of actions, or an agreement about the "truth" of the situation. Empathy is acknowledging that her reality is real for her, and her feelings are valid regardless.

Plus, I was interested in helping her move back into her higher brain where we could discuss rationally the recent trend to be angry with me and to not want to talk about that anger. Empathy was going to soothe her feelings enough for her brain to feel like the environment was safe enough to re-open the executive function. 

We kept shining the light. She was able to describe a feeling that compelled her to hide her feelings. She said the sensation was like being slapped anytime she thought to share her emotions. She said the feeling was dark green and lurked inside her, spreading across her whole stomach and chest. It was a scary feeling, like having an enemy inside that told her not to trust anyone and that it was shameful to share, and not safe.

You can just imagine my eyes popping out of my head can't you?

Now that her whole brain was back online we looked at when this began. She was certain the green feeling arrived before our trip to Santa Cruz but remained hidden because she was too distracted by all of the fun. Then she got real quiet, for several moments, before crumbling into sobs. She revealed that the scary audio story, Revenge of the Witch is responsible. Revenge of the Witch is a story we picked up at the library. In preparation for our trip I immediately loaded it onto the ipod. Echo started listening to it right away and I didn't think anything of it. From the outside she looked rapt as usual. Little did I know that Echo was scared out of her mind. She finished the entire six disc program before letting me know that she had been living a horror story through headphones for two days straight.

Dammit.

Anyway, she thinks she felt so scared by that story that the idea sprouted in her mind that you couldn't trust anyone, not even your mom.

So although she had been wanting to talk, although she had been wanting to share her feelings, that green presence in her torso slapped her back, and scared her from doing so. Our troubles would start because she wanted me to know what she was feeling without having to tell me. And when I failed, she felt angry.

So complicated.

Now our plan is this: When the green sensation pops up Echo will use her code word: "Giraffe". My response is to give her a hug and know that she will talk about whatever is bothering her later, when the green feeling subsides. We've tried it once so far with great success. She also is going to build a bonfire with Papa and perform a ritual that involves burning  a piece of paper with the word DISTRUST.

Holy shit.

There I was, walking along the sidewalk, pissed and triggered by this little twerp who was mad at me for no reason and giving me the silent treatment. Little did I know about Revenge of the Witch and terror, and green feelings slapping her from the inside and preventing her from speaking. Does it make sense to me? Nope. Not much. But that doesn't matter. It makes sense, to her. She isn't a misbehaving twerp, she's a person with her own sense of logic, rationale, and emotional landscape.

I'm so glad we pulled out the flashlight instead of the paddle.

Another!

We're on fire over here! This is Nathan's vision, my design. Another teaching tool for our Building An Emotionally Safe Home workshop.

I find this one super enlightening. It comes up again and again! See that tree pattern with the branches stretching all over? All that stretching, all those branches, all those pathways are built within the brain to process logic and reason. BUT, get this, they only get built or built extensively, IF the social system is well taken care of.

Holy Moly.

This is why they say that kids with strong emotional skills, kids that have experienced routine empathy, lead more successful lives. Their brains are bigger! Ok, maybe not physically bigger, but they have more pathways! This means that when your kid melts down because you paused the audio story in the middle of the sentence instead of during a pause between sentences and throws herself on the floor and loses her shit, when that happens the way you respond (oh, okay the way I respond, since this is my kid we're talking about) helps her access her executive function. Meaning, by using empathy I chill out her social system and her executive brain functioning switches back on and she and I can discuss audio-story-pausing-etiquette. And if I do this empathy thing regularly,  throughout her development, I am supporting further brain development, giving her brain a chance to build more and more pathways.

In other words when you help yer kid through empathy you give them access to their whole brain. And when you do this repeatedly, as the norm, you allow them to grow millions more pathways than they ordinarily would. Pathways are good. Empathy makes geniuses.

When children aren't supported emotionally through intense emotion they have no choice but to operate from their reflexive system, from instinct. Remember what main instincts humans have? Fight or Flight, baby. This is why sometimes, during intense emotion, kids will physically lash out. If they don't have emotional support they have to operate from this zone because access to executive function is blocked. Sometimes when kids "act out" their parents punish them for making the "wrong choice", which is sad because actually no choice, no logic is being employed when a child is operating from the reflexive part of their brain. Choice only becomes an option if the child is given empathy for the emotions they are experiencing.

Bottom line? You want to support the shit out of your child's social system.

How?

• touch
• nursing/sucking
• warmth
• rocking/movement
• talking it out
• taking time
• empathy!

Want more? If you are local to Missoula come to the workshop!

October 20th, Open Way Mindfulness Center (702 Brooks Ave) 2pm - 4pm. $50

And another! November 23rd, Meadowsweet Herbs 2pm - 4pm  $50

Not local? We're taking this on the road! Want to host a workshop?

email me: [email protected]

Boosh

Another tool for your toolbelt!

This poster is a feature in our upcoming live workshop called Building An Emotionally Safe Home. I think visually so when I heard about emotional processing this image is the only way I could make sense of it. As it turns out we can't think clearly when we are experiencing difficult emotions. Not you, not me, not anyone. It's a survival technique put together by our amazing brains. The basic idea is that when faced with intense emotions, like those that pop up during an emergency life or death situation, our executive functioning shuts down. Our brain doesn't want us analyzing anything at this point, no logic, no debate, it wants us to stay alive.

For instance, if a bear were to charge at us on the family hike, the brain feels that anxiety and shuts down processing. It doesn't want us to take the time to figure anything out, (Is this a brown bear or a grizzly bear? Hmmmm...) it wants us to fucking grab the children and fight primal-ly for our lives.

You know as well as I do that for a six-year old, big sister grabbing her favorite hairtie just as she was about to use it is the very same thing as a grizzly bear charging in the woods. Maybe this doesn't make sense to you but it makes sense to the six-year old, and more importantly, it makes sense to the six-year old's brain. Intense emotion? Shut down executive function!

This means that at this particular moment, giving the six-year old information about hairtie ownership, sharing, and proper expression of emotion is... POINTLESS! She can't hear it, it's not her fault her brain isn't available for that.

What to do?

EMPATHY FOR THE FEELINGS! Empathy for the feelings helps them shift up through the emotional spectrum until your child's brain is again available to digest information. Then you discuss the actions involved in the hairtie debacle. Only then.

Isn't this important to know???

We think so. We think parents need this kind of information in order to save ourselves A LOT of grief. We think teachers need this information because what the capital of Portugal is just simply will not enter ANYONE'S mind if they aren't in an emotional state that allows for that kind of processing. See what this means? It means that all the hubbub about test scores and core concepts and accelerated learning, all the effort put into this stuff is worth nothing if the emotional needs of the child are not deeply considered and facilitated.

Want more of this sort of thing?

 

We have upcoming live workshops for parents:

Missoula

October 20th, Open Way Mindfullness Center 2pm

November 23rd, Meadowsweet Herbs 2pm

 

Boulder, CO

October 26, venue to be determined (anyone have any ideas?) 2pm

 

Bellingham, Seattle, Portland, Bay Area, January 2014

 

Now booking workshops for educators, caregivers, organizations, and staff. Email [email protected] for more info. We're willing to travel!

An online workshop is also in the works.

Our other course, an empathy parenting course called Parenting on the Same Team is now underway! We are so happy to have a gaggle of awesome folks to work with again. If you want in, fret not, you can still join. Just click the button on the right and I'll hook you up.

Emotional Anatomy!

1. We are all good people! It's true. Underneath our layers of quirks, expressions, behaviors, and feelings we are all inherently pure and good.

2. We all have needs! Every human being has the same set of basic needs. If we get our needs met we feel positive feelings. Some of the needs are easy to imagine: food, shelter, water. Others are less apparent yet still vital: autonomy, creativity, harmony, growth, joy, hope, etc.

Humans have an automatic instinct to look for ways to get their needs met. Sometimes we are conscious of this (like grocery shopping to get our food needs met) and sometimes we aren't. If your kid is acting in ways that completely baffle you, it's likely that he or she is seeking ways to get a need met. If you can detect what that need is the two of you can brainstorm ways to get that need met in a way that is satisfying to all parties. 

3. We all have feelings! Seriously, no matter who you are you have feelings, and so does the guy next to you. Having feelings is OKAY! Feelings are never wrong. Feelings happen but they also shift quickly if allowed expression. This is where empathy comes in. Empathy means recognizing and understanding the feelings of another person. Offering empathy to a child that is experiencing intense emotion builds connection and trust. It also aids a quick processing of that emotion. It also gives the child a safe space to explore the cause of that feeling and find ways to get their needs met. 

4. We all can choose our actions! What we do with our feelings is up to us. Some of these actions help our family or community and some of them don't. In other words, all feelings are okay but all actions are not. Parental guidance about actions should pertain to the actions alone and not the underlying feelings. For example: Discussing the choice to hit when angry instead of talking things out is a worthy discussion, but the parent should be clear that the hitting is what you are discouraging not the anger itself. 

But don't rush! When humans feel strong emotion their executive brain functioning shuts down and the primal brain takes over. It's fight or flight at this point, so a lot of words (or punishment) about choice of action go completely UNHEARD. If you want to be effective in the discussion about actions you have to wait until the executive brain function has turned back on. How do you get it turned back on? Empathy! Offering empathy for the present feelings helps the feelings move up the emotional ladder into milder emotions, at that point the executive brain turns back on and the child can actually hear and understand information and logic.

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My mind has been going crazy. I go to bed around midnight and lately I stare at the ceiling for the next hour spinning through fabulous ideas. I have to stumble into the bathroom and jot them down so that I remember my genius in the morning.

When we started Feeleez we had big dreams of worldwide effectiveness. But we also had babies and no business experience and NO IDEA WHAT WE WERE DOING. It makes me smile now because six years into this we are getting to all of the dreamed of parts. As it turns out businesses need time to mature and the business owners need time as well. Only now are we educated enough, equipped enough, and experienced enough to make our more elaborate Feeleez dreams come true.

I'm talking workshops people.

Major, exciting, informative, life-changing workshops to be presented in schools across the country. Our workshops are designed to create a safe emotional space in the classroom. A safe emotional environment is key to unlocking empathy in children. We have workshops geared to educators, para-educators, counselors, and parents. But we're not stopping there! We also are offering a presentations to the kids too! Think props and humour, think silliness and empowerment. 

See why my mind is spinning! This is so exciting!

I love presenting information, especially information that helps kids to the degree that emotional safety and empathy do. The poster above is one I cooked up to help explain, in our workshops, the way emotional anatomy works.

Enjoy!

 

ps. I'll keep you posted about workshop development and about when we can come to your school.

 

How to Use the Feeleez Poster

Who The Feeleez poster is for any one person, or group of people, experiencing intense emotion.

    

Where The poster is best hung in a high-traffic area that is easy to access and to use frequently. It's also a good idea to hang it very low on the wall so that even the littlest folks in the family (or classroom) can point to the images.

    

When The poster is meant to be used at anytime, but especially when one is experiencing intense emotion. The poster can help process emotions, whether it means lingering in feelings that feel good, or moving through less enjoyable feelings.

    

Why It turns out that our brains are incapable of higher processing when managing intense emotions. This means that new solutions, creative ideas, logic, reason, and empathy are impossible for children (and adults!) when heightened emotion is present. The Feeleez poster offers children the opportunity to identify their feelings and receive empathy - this process immediately brings the intensity down and allows the child to move forward.

    

HOW

    

*Using the Feeleez poster is a loving option to be offered to a child in distress. It is never to be required or used as a consequence or punishment.

    

1. Offer your child the option of using the poster to get some help with their feelings.

Ex: "Would you like to go to the poster to tell me more about this?"

    

2. Make the suggestion that your child select some images that describe how he is feeling.

    

    

3. PAUSE. This is the most important stage of the process. In this moment you slow. way. down. 

• a. offer empathy
• b. ask questions
• c. reenact the scenario with empathetic language

Here's an example with just one child. (This is the adult end of the conversation):

Ex: "Oh darn. (a) That's how you're feeling huh? (b) Yeah I can see that, that makes sense. (a) You feel like this one too? (b) Oh wow. That's hard. (a) You were just playing happily and the cat came along and bit you on the arm? (c) Darn-nit. (a) That's not what you wanted at all is it. (a) You didn't do anything to the cat you were just playing. (c) You didn't want to be bitten. (c) You like the cat, you weren't trying to bother it. (c) And then he just bit you for no reason at all! (c) What a bummer huh?"

Here's an example when two children are involved. (This is the adult end of the conversation):

"Oh shoot. You guys are having a hard time huh? Which ones do you feel like Abby... This one? Oh yeah. This one too? And this one? Wow, that's a tough combo huh? What about you Nellie. Which ones are you feeling like... Oh, that one huh? This one too? Oh, sure, I can see that." 

"So Abby you were playing and it seemed like from your perspective that Nellie just grabbed that toy away from you huh? You were so mad about that. Yeah, that makes sense. Sure. And you were so mad that you just hit her huh? You were so mad. You don't want someone to take away the things you are using. It doesn't feel good. Sounds like you were frustrated too, like this drawing, am I right? Wow. Yeah, that's hard."

"And Nellie you saw this toy just lying there and it looked completely available. You didn't know Abby was playing with it. Were you so surprised when Abby hit you? Like this drawing here? And it hurt too? I bet. What a terrible surprise to suddenly be hit. Did you get mad then? You did? Is that why you picked this drawing here? Sure, that makes sense. You don't like being hit at all. You want to be able to play in safety and not have to worry about being hurt. When she hit you you were you mad, like this drawing? Or sad, like this one... A bit of a combo huh. Oh darn you guys that sounds so hard."

This stage can last anywhere from a couple minutes to several minutes. As a rule of thumb we recommend staying here, even silently, for AT LEAST two solid minutes. 

4. Look for signs that emotions have shifted.

Facial expressions, body postures, lighter spirits, joking, and physical affection are all signs that emotions are starting to shift. This may be the end of the process! Often children, at this point, have moved completely on and are unburdened by their previous emotions. They are ready for solutions and cooperation and affection. At our house we often ask if our girls need to talk more, and if not we seal it with a hug and carry on.

If it seems that things have not shifted, return to step 3, or try 4a.

4a. Ask your child which images on the poster she would rather feel like. 

4b. Offer empathy, ask questions.

Ex: "Yes, I can imagine that. You want to feel good and smiling and happy. You'd much rather feel like this drawing, or this one. Of course. Darn. You don't like where you are. You can imagine what these drawings feel like and you want that. Totally."

4c. Gently ask your child what he needs in order to feel more like the drawings he chose. Offer ideas as well.

Ex: "What do you think you might need to feel the way you'd like?"

Wait here for several beats before jumping to solutions.

"Do you think food might help...?"

"Would you like a long hug...?"

"Do you want help coming up with an idea for the issue...?"

"Do you want some time just to be quiet...?"

Your child may grasp for one of one these options and may not. If you are having trouble figuring out some ideas to offer think about what need your child might have and offer a way to fill that need. Does she need reassurance? Sustenance? Does she need connection? For a full list of human needs visit this page.

5. Wait. When these steps seem to fail, or if your child isn't moving as quickly as you think he should, just wait. Remain in an empathetic stance, holding and hugging your child if they allow, and wait. We like to think of this position as a big, padded, boring envelope in which to surround your child. Children, unlike adults are comfortable with long pauses, they do not need you to fill the air with encouragement or maxims. Children in this state need only your empathy (even silent) and presence. With enough patience the feelings will pass.

NOTE: Absent from this dialog is: blame, punishment, praise, lesson-teaching, or parental opinions. This is a space exclusively created for the the processing of emotions. If you wish to give information about the rules of the house, point out who "started it", or mete out consequences this should be done (if at all) after the emotional processing is complete. This is to ensure that a. your words and logic can even be heard and understood, and b. your children feel safe and comfortable enough to express their true feelings while at the poster.

******

To order your own Feeleez poster for your home, office, or classroom please visit www.store.feeleez.com. The poster is $15 and printed on recycled paper using soy-based ink. We'd love to send you one.

 

Recess Empathy

Man, a lot happens at recess. Well, probably a lot happens throughout the school day but I'm only there for drop-offs, pick-ups and recess so my view is skewed. But holy moly, it is by far the longest hour and a half I've ever experienced. And it isn't awful, not by any means. I love kids and being around them reminds me of the wonders of the world and how great everything is. Difficulty isn't what makes it seem so long, it's all that happens emotionally!

About a thousand hearts rip up and patch up during that little time span.

I've been continuing my Secret (but not so secret) Agent skills. I find that everywhere I turn there is an opportunity to stretch my empathy wings and though it isn't the norm to use empathy instead of consequences and logic in the school setting, it's certainly been working. What I'm finding is relief all the way around - for teachers as they see an upset child calm quickly and find resolution, for kids as they discover an emotional ally on the playing field, and for me because offering empathy is like giving myself a face massage, I can't help but feel relaxed by it.

Some examples:

(all names have been changed)

GAME CHANGE

Amanda: (crying loudly and largely) "SIDNEY WON'T PLAY MAMA AND BABY WITH ME AND I WANT TO PLAY WITH HER!!!!!!!!!!"

Sidney: "Well... I... changed my mind."

Amanda: "WAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

Temptation: The temptation here is to use logic. "Well honey, people change their minds. You change your mind about some things right? It makes sense that someone else would change their mind too right?" The idea is that if we can convince them that it doesn't make sense to be upset then they will cease to be upset. Have you ever experienced someone trying to talk you out of your feelings? It doesn't work.

Empathy response: "Oh darn Amanda. You were really looking forward to playing with Sidney huh? Are you bummed?"

Amanda: "Yes! Because she said she would play and now she's not!"

Me: "Right. You like playing with her so much."

Sidney: "Well I just changed my mind because I started playing this and it's really fun, so then I didn't want to play that other game."

Me: "Right. You got involved in something else and changed your mind."

(This is when that magical thing happens in response to empathy. The line between the two parties dissolves and they are no longer opponents. The adult, by not responding in a further polarizing manner, paves the way for something different to happen.)

Sidney: "I know! Amanda we could play mama and baby while I am still on the swings! That's a great idea!"

MISSING MOM

I've worked the recess circuit long enough now that I know that when the kids are called to line up Octavia will start missing her mom.

Me: "Octavia they called for us to line up. Get your mittens, it's time! Let's go!"

Octavia: "I can't. I just miss my mama."

She hunkers down, slumped in her coat, legs sprawled in the sand and showing no sign of going anywhere.

Temptation: The temptation here is to repeat myself ("it's time to line up, let's go, everyone is waiting, get your mittens...") and repeat the rules ("when they call out we have to line up, that's how this works). And the official teachers have something they do that involves counting to three. I don't know what happens after three. But what I have noticed is that these things often don't work. Octavia still sits in the sand longer that anyone wants, or Octavia reluctantly gets up and shuffles and groans slowly to line and drops her mittens two thousand times and refuses to hold her partner's hand and a million other irritating acts that slow down the entire process even further.

Empathy response: "Is it that time of day where you miss your mom?"

Octavia: "Yeah."

Me: "Darn it. You just love her so much don't ya. Recess ends and you think of her and then you just feel sad huh?"

Octavia: "Yeah."

Me: "She must be pretty great."

Octavia: "Yes! Her name is Jessica and she's brown-haired!"

While we are talking I am helping Octavia to her feet and she finds her mittens and she gets in line. By this time she is skipping as she tells me all about Jessica and her brown hair and why she's so nice.

MISSING OUT

At least one day a week after recess the older kids stay in the park and do P.E. There are a couple of younger kids that yearn to be part of this group.

Evie: "Do I get to be in P.E. today????"

Me: "Nope. I don't think so."

Evie: "Why not? I turned five!"

Temptation: The temptation here is to make up some good reasons why she isn't in P.E. (even though I don't really know why) and hope that if she's armed with some reasonable explanation she will no longer be upset.

Empathy response: "I know you turned five. You're all big now, and strong, it seems like you would be a perfect match for P.E. right?"

Evie:"Yeah. I want to do that. I don't want to get in line I want to stay for P.E."

Me: "Right. You definitely aren't in the P.E. group today. But I know you want to be. You really want to be, right? It looks really fun doesn't it."

Evie: "Yeah. I can run like that."

Me: "Yes you can. Bummer, huh?"

It's counter-intuitive, in a sense, to dive into the topic of something that is forbidden to the child. It seems like it would be even torturous to discuss P.E. and how fun it looks, but I find the child receives relief by looking into the topic deeply. Evie and I discussed all the thrilling-looking aspects of P.E. and why she'd be good at those things. Our conversation gave her a place to put her feelings, an outlet for her excitement and disappointment. She got in line, and though bummed to be missing out on an activity, she soon was chattering away excitedly about all of her mad physical skills.  

COATROOM SHOVING

When we make it back to school there is the coatroom chaos of many children taking off many many layers of puffy clothing.

Octavia: "Natalie? Allison pushed me!"

Temptation: The temptation here, of course, is to find the other allegedly offending kid and sort things out.

Empathy response: (I didn't see any pushing because I wasn't looking at the two of them, but luckily I don't have to be watching in order to give empathy for the feelings someone experiences when they believe they have been pushed.) "Oh shoot! You didn't like that feeling huh?"

Octavia: "No! I didn't!"

Then, relieved of her burden, she made her way to her coat hook and got down to the business of undressing. I thought the "incident" was over but when I turned around there was Allison, one little lump of puffiness in her full-body snowsuit, with a grave look on her face.

Allison: "Natalie?"

Me: "Yeah?"

Allison: "I didn't push Octavia."

Me: "Right. I was helping her with her feelings because she felt like she had been pushed, and that isn't a good feeling. But I was never upset with you. I understand that you didn't push her."

And she lit up with a huge smile, turned and went to her hook.

 

Can you imagine just how many emotional interactions a child has in a single school day? I can. And I can also imagine that most "behavior problems" are simply emotional responses to those interactions that go unaddressed and pop up later. Of course, these "behavioral problems" are typically handled,  in many schools, with consequences that match the behavior, but not as often with empathy that matches the feelings behind the behavior. There just aren't enough teachers, time, or room in the program to be able to offer empathy as much as the teachers might like or as much as the children might need.

Xi's school is pretty awesome and her teachers seem tuned-in to the emotional side of their students' worlds. But it's no wonder that so many kids get home from school and literally meltdown, or blow up, at the slightest upset. After-all they have just spent a minimum of eight hours experiencing challenging emotional interactions with little outlet for their resulting feelings.

 

Anyway... one step at a time. One little recess heartbreak at a time.

 

The Blue Ball

We have one of those yoga balls at our house. It's not as big as the one in this photo but its big enough for the girls to push it in front of them as they run, or sit on it and bounce, or launch themselves onto and off of it cowabunga style. They love the blue ball and when we have to be inside for months on end it's pretty awesome for them to have something like it to get out their physical energy. My sister and I had a similar ball at gramma's house when we were younger. It was a giant beach ball that we could use to transport ourselves from room to room in her single story house by laying on top of the huge thing and pushing along the walls. We loved our big ball too.

But as the parent? Sometimes I think I hate the blue ball. That sucker is at the epicenter of soooooo many fights. At night as a self-preservation method I hide it in the guest bedroom or deep in the girls' closet. But they're on to me now and when they get that blue ball hankering they go to the guest room to get the blue ball out of what I guess has become it's official storage spot. This morning, before the sun was up and with the clock counting down to the time we had to bundle up and get Xi to school- that period of maternal high-stress greater than that found in any board room in the country I'm sure, Echo grabbed the blue ball. 

I was like uh-uh.

If you read this blog you know I am empathy's biggest fan and use it as my main parenting technique. I crouch down, I discover underlying feelings and needs, I summon patience and wait. But all of that only works because Nathan and I have also established ourselves as captains of this family team. And sometimes, as captains and "the ones officially in charge" the answer to blue ball requests at 745am is hell-fucking-no. I didn't say it that way of course, although I would under certain circumstances, I instead explained that I didn't want the blue ball in the mix before school because I wanted them to focus on eating breakfast since we only had a little time before departing. But it wasn't a discussion, it was just how things were gonna be. Then Xi came downstairs and without any hesitation went straight into the guest room for the blue ball and I had to repeat myself.

Then after breakfast, with thirty seconds left on the before-school clock they went for the ball again and I added that breakfast priorities weren't the only reason blue ball was blacklisted, but that I also (maybe mostly) didn't want to take the time for fights and discussions at that juncture. Back into the guest room it went (guess I'll have to find a new hiding spot).

Writing this I remember when our house was smaller, one and a half bedrooms, with awkward doors opening into doors etc. Then there weren't any hiding places as the little house didn't even have a closet, so I wedged the blue ball next to the office/computer/art/homework table. But if it wasn't wedged that sucker would somehow follow a person around. I don't know if it was gravity or electric charge but it was darn creepy to see it inching along after you. It was always there. Boy, this blue ball and I have a history.

Anyway, blue ball winds up emerging from the guest room when I cook dinner. There is a silent bell that tolls that only my children hear and it means it's time for them to get really irritable, physical, and loud. The soundtrack to dinner prep. 

Now one way of handling this time period is to tell a different mental story than that last paragraph. oops. I do that whenever I can, but if I haven't and the irritation rises and the girls come to me with blue ball disputes this is how I handle it.

1. I panic. I forget that I don't have to have an answer and panic as they approach because I don't know who should have a turn or who had the last turn or who was having a turn but only took a break etc. 

2. I remember. I remember that I can listen and empathize and things will sort themselves out.

They approach and say "Mama will you help us?" and I say "Yes" but I don't do or say anything else. Then they loiter and fiddle and start telling me "what happened". Now this part actually isn't important in the end. The point is that they both want the blue ball and neither is happy with how things are going. But I never rush them through this part as it seems to be cathartic for them. I nod my head and say: "Oh yeah, totally!" and paraphrase: "Right you were just taking a break, you weren't finished with your turn. I get it.", making sure to do that with both girls so that the message is no one is "wrong", we're just listening to one another's experience.

3. I summarize. I say some encapsulating thing like: "Okay. So it sounds like you both are really enjoying the blue ball and you both want a turn huh?" They say yes and then they ask me what we should do and I throw it right back and say "yeah, what do we do guys?"

4. The poster. If there isn't any movement toward ideas or resolution at this point I, or one of the girls, will suggest the Feeleez poster. We trundle over and I stand there while each girl points to some characters that describe their feelings. I say "uh huh" a lot. And I just stand there as a witness. They just stand there for a while too.

5. I wait.

6. Poster round two. Often at this point, just seeing one another's feelings in plain view shifts the dynamic so much that one will jump up and down with a good idea, one that I would never have thought feasible, and they race off, back into the game. If this doesn't immediately happen I might ask a question like: "How would you guys rather be feeling?" and they point all over again.

7. Wait, witness, nod. I repeat my part, which really is so minimal that every time I think surely this won't work. And then it does. It does. AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN. They decide to scrap the game entirely, or one decides to give the other the turn, or the other has a brilliant new game idea, and they run off as friends again. There is something about the neutrality of the process and the chance to step into each other's shoes that dissolves the wall of antagonism.

8. I go back to making dinner.

 

It isn't rocket science. It isn't even particularly involved. And let's be honest, if it wasn't the blue ball it would be the magnetic paper doll's sparkly crown, or the yellow beluga. Thank goodness I don't have to know the answers. Just nod, empathize, rinse and repeat.

This Girl

I just wanted to take a moment to talk about this girl. She's eight, our middle girl, and I don't mention her nearly enough because when it's time to talk about struggle and how we handle meltdowns or defiance we talk about our four-year old, not Xi. Because Xi is easy. Easy doesn't make headlines.

But she deserves headlines! 

Or maybe it's the whole middle child thing, not the leading edge oldest or the cute baby, just there being herself in the midst of it all.

But lately I've been noticing this sweet girl and just swelling with love. What I notice is that when she is around things are easier. When she is at playgroup and the chatting mamas hear a scuffle starting in the other room we rest easy because Xi smooths things over all on her own. She's really remarkable. What is most striking is the empathy she can summon for her fellow friends and siblings. When one wants a baby doll that another is holding and tempers flare, she kneels down to their level and checks in with them. She asks them if they are sad or angry about wanting that baby. She says Oh that must be hard wanting that baby so bad huh? She pats their backs and sits with them, thinking over ideas and patiently waiting for the situation to shift.

And of course it works.

Feelings when heard so potently turn into mist. 

Xi can do this even when it's her own sister who is upset and she can even do it when that sister is upset about something Xi herself is doing. Echo will be screaming with rage and frustration and Xi calmly offers empathy. She doesn't defend herself, or get angry at the onslaught. She hears the feelings behind the words, and through this empathy either offers more empathy which alone shifts the situation or finds a way to meet the needs behind those feelings. Finding a way for Echo to be in the game without actually giving over the coveted game piece, for example.

I know she was born a compassionate, incredible human being to begin with, I don't want to undervalue that, but I also think she is able to empathize to such a degree because she has witnessed it in process as we parent her sisters, and she has experienced it herself as we have handled her feelings with care for eight years. 

This may be the best case for parenting with empathy yet. Because Xi has felt and seen the effects of empathy she goes there naturally. What this means is that she doesn't escalate conflict with a large reaction to any one person's actions or feelings, and she doesn't need an authority to take over so has no need to run and tell an adult. She handles it all independently and extraordinarily effectively.

What more could a parent want?

So just a little burst of love for this girl. I'd love her no matter what, but really she is amazing.

 

Toy Grabbing

Read your post from this morning and have a question for you regarding how you handle the sibling rivalry that you were describing.  My kids, 4.5 years and 1.5 years, pretty much fight all day long.  It’s really frustrating.  Basically every single situation plays itself out like this: Ella grabs toy from baby, baby screams bloody murder, I yell at Ella and demand that she gives it back, she cries hysterically and insists that SHE was playing with that toy (or was about to).  I’ve tried explaining a million ways that she just can’t keep snatching anything she wants from him, tried getting her to imagine how this makes him feel (sad, etc), punished her (usually sending her away by herself).  Yet it just KEEPS happening like CONSTANTLY every day.  I know kids fight and there is always sibling rivalry but this is seriously detracting from my enjoyment of being with my kids and makes me want to drive south and keep going until I reach Mexico (by myself, that is). I know you focus on the empathy approach but have you utilized that in a similar scenario and does it work?  I am at my wits end.  Curious to know your thinking on this one.

Yes this kind of thing, days like these when the kids are at each other, seemingly, without stopping, certainly make me want to run for the hills, (or Mexico) too. Fighting energy is hard to be around no matter who is doing the fighting.

To answer the question, yes I do employ empathy in scenarios like this one. Empathy is my main parenting strategy and I try to use it every single time there is any kind of outburst, dispute, or feeling of any kind.

But these are my specific thoughts for this scenario.

1. Empathy is not the tool for getting Ella to give the toy back. 

2. Empathy doesn't work alongside punishment.

3. What are Ella's underlying feelings and needs?

*******

1. Empathy is not a coercion method.

Empathy is not a means to get a child to do something. Very often compliance does happen, after receiving empathy a child loses most of their resistance and happily goes along with a parent's request. But this outcome is a bonus, not a given. Empathy given with the goal of eliciting a particular response is not true empathy. 

When I say empathy is my main strategy I mean that using empathy is the tool that helps me. It helps me find little windows of possibility, it helps me shift my perspective, usually the perspective of: I'm right, this child is wrong, and if they don't do what I want, I will lose my shit. Shifting my perspective allows me to find ways to help them through their tricky spots.

In the case of children fighting, or in this particular case of one child taking a toy from another empathy is perfect. As soon as the "altercation" occurs mom can step in and offer empathy (not request that one child have empathy for the other) for both kids. That's right, both kids. Although it seems there is an actor- the grabber, and a victim- the baby, it does not help matters to see things from this perspective. It is more helpful to see them simply as two people experiencing strong emotions. 

Giving empathy to both parties simultaneously is ideal.

For the baby: You are so sad huh? You weren't done with that toy. You didn't like it that she took that from you. Are you frustrated?

For Ella: Oh wow. You really wanted that toy huh? You wanted it so bad you were willing to just take it huh? Darn it. You're really having a hard time.

With love and kisses all around.

Offering empathy in this environment does two things. It honors the feelings present. This may not seem like a big deal on paper, but let me assure you it is everything. This is what most people want during tough times, more than anything else in the world they want to just simply be heard and recognized. The moment shifts completely when empathy is in place, the "combatants" switch from being antagonists to comrades, two people in pain.

It also models empathy. By showing the baby empathy Ella sees how it works. And by receiving empathy Ella sees how it feels. If this is her model, if this is how her parents handle things, then she will do so as well. 

2. Empathy and punishment.

Unfortunately a child that is wary of punishment coming down the pike will be more concerned with defending her actions, and excusing herself from culpability (and therefore punishment), than connecting with how her younger sibling feels. A child worried about what will happen to them won't even hear empathy, either toward them or the other child, and has no hope of employing it herself in the future.

At this young age there is very little separation for a child between what they are feeling and how they express that feeling. For example, feeling angry, and taking a toy are so closely linked in a child's mind that being punished for taking the toy is the same as being punished for being angry. Because of this, instead of learning to express empathy for other people, what is more likely is that a child that feels she has been punished for her feelings will want to punish others for their feelings. In this light a crying baby brother becomes not something to empathize with but to disdain.

There is a time and a place to talk about sharing toys. Giving Ella empathy does not mean that you agree with her methods. In our household all of the toys are shared, meaning no one owns any particular toy, and if a toy is not being used it is available to anyone that might like to play with it. We find this extremely helpful in combating a child's desire to protect what it "theirs" and to keep others from playing with it even if they themselves are playing with something else. This might be a policy worth exploring, but this exploration should take place away from the emotional situation, meaning after empathy and after  a child feels completely heard and understood.

3. Underlying need.

When a child repeatedly does something, especially something that has a negative outcome (ie; crying, punishment, etc.) this is a good sign that there are underlying feelings and needs that are going unaddressed. Ella most likely was not playing with that particular toy nor was she about  to play with that toy. So why then does she want to take it away from her sibling? What motive does she have and what does she get if she does this?

Mothers are the best at figuring out what might be happening emotionally for their children. If we look into ourselves and into the hearts of our dear children we are able to use our insight to figure out these mysteries. Without knowing the particular children in question, I can only guess. Maybe Ella is angry that her brother even exists. Maybe Ella is worried that her mom loves him more, and doesn't have as much time for her. Maybe Ella is concerned that babies aren't careful enough with toys.

There are many possibilities for underlying feelings. Once these are recognized a parent can address the underlying needs that accompany those feelings. Does she need reassurance about how toys are made, and that they are strong enough to withstand drooling babies? Does she need empathy for being an older sibling, for her whole world changing so dramatically? Does she need reminders that moms have enough love for all of their children?

When Ella yanks a toy perhaps mom gives her attention, albeit negative attention, does this give us a clue as to what she might need? When Ella is given time by herself after she yanks a toy she still yanks toys. My guess is that time away from her loved ones is not what she needs, and may even contribute to her doing something else offensive as another attempt to get what she needs.

Until the underlying need is met a parent can talk until they are blue in the face about sharing toys, can give ever more extreme punishments, can even give mountains of empathy about toy sharing, and nothing will happen except more toy yanking.

Empathy for the underlying feelings looks like this:

a. Are you having a hard time having a baby brother? It's different now that he is here isn't it. Are you sad that our family changed? (Need for empathy?)

b. Did you take that toy because you are worried he won't keep it safe? It's special to you isn't it. You want to be sure it stays in one piece. (Need for information?)

c. Are you upset that he is playing with the toys you like to play with? Are you worried that now that he is here and doing the things that you like to do, that I won't have time for you? Are you afraid that I won't have enough arms or love for both of you? (Need for reassurance?)

Addressing the needs behind these feelings looks like this:

a. More empathy: Our family is different now. Is that hard? Do you feel sad about that?

b. Information. I think this toy was built pretty tough. It's made for his age group so I'm pretty sure it will be okay. I'll keep an eye out as he plays with it to see if it looks like it's changing shape or losing any pieces. Let's have another toy ready just in case okay? That way if it looks like it isn't working out with this toy we can offer to trade him for another.

c. Reassurance. Did you know that when a mom has another child that her love grows too? I will never run out of love. I have waaaaay more than enough for both of you. Even if I give him love I still have mountains of love for you. Are you needing some extra loving from me today? 

******

On the surface we are all looking for ways to just make our kids stop fighting. We'd all like a simple phrase, a magic button, anything to just make it stop. But the surface is not where we must start. There is a whole world underneath, and that's where we need to start.

ps. If confounded as to what your child's particular underlying needs might be there is a handy list on the Center for Non-violent Communication's Website.

pps. If you'd like to talk with me and look together at what might be happening for you and your child, I am available.

Ups and Downs, you ask?

I've been asked lately about my relationship with Nathan.

"We'd love to hear more about your relationship with him, how the two of you use empathy with one another and how it differs from how you use it with the little ones and the day-to-day of how your partnership makes parenting easier or harder. We are interested in hearing about how the ups and downs of your adult relationship effects your relationship with your children"

I had to sit on this one for a couple of days and let my thoughts germinate. Nathan and I certainly use empathy, but unlike with the kids where my awareness has become attuned to flagging certain interactions so that I can describe them on the blog, examples of my partnership interactions haven't yet been requested, and thus have not been as meticulously studied.

But going to bed last night I realized I absolutely can track empathy with Nathan, in fact, although we didn't know it at the time, this very concept formed the basis of our union from the very beginning. We met when Nathan already was a father, and then a few months later he became a father once again, as Xi's mother gave birth over the summer. We were friends, and we talked, sooooo much. About everything but really focusing on relationships. At other times in my life I have talked about relationships with men, but because I was already in a relationship with them while we were talking, I didn't exactly listen that well. Instead the words would somehow morph as the man spoke, becoming exactly what I wanted to hear by the time they reached my ears. But I was just Nathan's friend at first, an enthralled friend, and therefore I could hear what he was saying. And he could hear what I was saying.

By the time we became more than friends there was an understanding in place that we were going to be exactly who we are, and as partners we were going to celebrate exactly who the other person was/is. There would be no attempts at changing one another.

That is empathy.

There is simple marriage-like empathy that happens I think in all unions as well. We always refill the water pitcher after using all the water so that the next person doesn't suffer from thirst while waiting for it to filter. Leaving notes, putting the toilet seat down. You get the picture.

As far as emotions and arguments go... on a good day we are textbook examples of two people using and enjoying the fruits of pure empathy.

Me: Nathan did I tell you? I totally blew it with the plane tickets. I waited too long to get the ones that we were looking at and now they aren't available. Urgh! I am so bummed. Feels really stressful.

Nathan: Oh man! Bummer! That sucks! Just one day made all that difference huh? 

Me: Yeah.

Nathan: Do you want me to take a look?

Me: No. I think I'll be able to figure it out but it still sucks.

Nathan: Totally.

There is an understanding in place that all we want is empathy. 

But I say "on a good day" because there are times when I say: Shit! The cat barfed in the closet again! I am sick of picking that disgusting stuff up! and I don't want to hear: No, I bet you don't. That's just the worst job, isn't it! In fact I don't want to hear anything. I want him to pick up the mother f-ing cat barf. On a good day I would simply ask for his help instead of receiving empathy and feeling resentful.

Also, I have to admit, that Nathan is better at this than I am. I do alright when he is having most feelings, at understanding them as simply emotions and being able to relate to them and offer empathy. But a funny (lame, unhelpful, irritating) thing happens to me when anger comes up, especially when that anger involves me or something I did. And I am even exaggerating when I say anger, because most often I read irritation, disappointment, frustration, if it involves me, erroneously as anger.

Under these circumstances I do not respond well.

Nathan: Hey! The smoothie is all gone?!

Me: (Immediately reading him as angry at me, and feeling defensive and maybe even mad myself) Yeah. Sorry, I didn't know you wanted any!

Nathan: Well that's the kind of thing you would know if you had bothered to ask me!

Me: ( heart racing, totally uncomfortable) I just figured you didn't since you had already eaten! I can easily make some more do you want more? (feeling like I am bowing and scraping at this point)

Nathan: No. I don't want you to DO anything. I'm just bummed that there isn't any smoothie left.

At this point I realize my mistake. He was simply feeling something about missing out on the smoothie. An emotion, nothing more. Switching to defensive/ fix it mode, is not the answer. Nathan's feelings, in most ways, have nothing to do with me.

Two things cause me to reach for defense and fixing.

1. There is something in my programming that makes me very fearful of someone being mad at me. I don't have to look very closely to see that I spent most of my young life doing whatever it took to not "be in trouble". Good manners, good grades, any attempt to make me a little invisible and out of wrath's path. My parents were gentle people, no spanking not even any yelling, so I can't blame them, this fear in me just is. And the fear makes me primal, takes me out of my rational emotional mind and sets me, like a rabbit, to fleeing or freezing. 

I can handle almost every other emotion, even if it is thrown directly in my face. But anything that resembles anger causes me to feel "in trouble" and takes all of my strength and will to face empathetically.

2. I have a subconscious residual belief that if I draw out empathy for someone that is angry about something I did then I am admitting culpability and guilt. To offer empathy, in this situation, is linked somewhere in my mind with making an apology.

In the smoothie situation there was resistance to find empathy for Nathan's feelings of disappointment because I saw them as anger which triggered response #1, and because I felt like I had done nothing wrong and had nothing to apologize for- response #2.

It requires my rational mind to remember that empathy is not an apology and my rational mind is not easily accessible when I feel frightened like a panicked rabbit.

On a good day the smoothie scenario would go like this:

Nathan: Hey! The smoothie is all gone?!

Me: Oh darn! Yes it is. Did you want some?

Nathan: Yes.

Me: Shit honey. That sucks!

How does empathy used with one another differ from that used with the children?

It doesn't. Nathan's feelings about a smoothie, or my feelings about plane tickets, are held just as carefully as Echo's feelings about the spilled milk on her dress. 

There is great benefit to this. At any given moment, in any corner of our home, the same "formula" is being applied. If Echo melts down in the bathroom with Nathan, I do not need to swoop in and "make things better", Papa's got in under control. He'll hold her, empathize, and together they will work things out. If Xi is angry at Bella, feeling mad that she is ignoring her game ideas, I might pause on the stairs waiting to see if they need my help finding their way, but often they do not. Bella tunes in to how that might feel for Xi and her empathy allows room to figure out a solution. The consistency brings sanity. We are all humans, with feelings, no one is to blame, and everyone can get their needs met.

How do the ups and downs of our adult relationship affect our relationship with the children?

Hmmm. When an "argument" goes well, with lots of empathy and conscious reactions, our kids see two people in conflict, yet with deep respect for one another and deep concern for all feelings involved. They see a good model for working things out, and learn to not fear disagreement. To witness parents feeling strongly and loving one another through it to a resolution, is to see two parents in love, standing strong and healthy. I think the effect of this is secure, emotionally healthy kids.

When things go awry and we lose our way temporarily, the kids don't like it. I don't either. The heart racing, primal, fearful reactions do not set me up to parent well. Because, of course, in the midst of a smoothie disagreement are children, asking for cups of water, needing to be held, making inquiries about why the trees lose their leaves, and it is exceedingly difficult to respond well while in a panicked state. 

But even these moments, where we slip away from empathy, are temporary, and because we don't hide these moments from our kids, instead plodding forward in plain view until we come to a place of understanding, our kids get resolution as well. Eventually we find our way back, back to hearing each other, back to the simple understanding of simple emotions, and with that return we get that incredible feeling of reunion, of relief and hope, even when something as stupid as a smoothie started it all. And our kids get splashed by that too.

For more on finding empathy in trying circumstances, look here and here.