Yeah, you guessed it, there has been a lot going on around here. Fun going on. Lots and lots of serious melt my heart, best days ever, sigh with complete happiness, fun. Last night I walked with my three favorite families to frozen yogurt. My childhood neighborhood path, my dearest friends in the whole world, and EIGHT of our children. See what I mean? Nostalgia and warm breezes and sugar and family. Swoon.
*Bonus points for you Missoulians out there. See who our Missoula visitors are?
**Bonus points for you Santa Cruzans out there. Can you tell where we are?
So the title of this post might seem a little odd for the kind of goodness I described above but trust me, emotional dumping is good. It is something Echo brought to the forefront yesterday, although she's been practicing this for quite some time. The basic idea is that she runs to us to help her get her feelings out about something that upsets her, so that she can go back to learning and playing.
Yesterday she and Salome were playing a game together, following a map through the family compound and being spies or adventurers or something like that. Then they had a falling out and Echo ran home to cry. She was upset and walked me through the whole scenario from start to finish.
I particularly liked that she told me the facts but she also included the emotional landscape as well. She explained that Salome may have had some stored upset feelings from an earlier moment when Echo took, (perhaps a too long) break from the game to play with a visiting dog and that these stored feelings tumbled into the altercation making it bigger. She also guessed that Salome may have been having some embarrassment about her map not being exactly accurate and those feelings also may have been included in the actual argument. (Which, by the way, was about whether or not running was allowed in the game.) These observations may or may not be accurate, we didn't have Salome with us to ask about embarrassment or stored feelings, but I really liked it that Echo was acknowledging how previous feelings can augment current feelings.
Anyway, I just listened and held her close and offered empathy for her woes. Eventually she became interested in restarting an earlier lego game she had going but wasn't quite ready to move on. She said: "Mama, I want to play that Lego game again but I need to get these feelings out first so that I can have fun at it. Will you help me more?"
Fucking brilliant.
I would say that %99 of us would choose an activity in order to feel better. Echo was going to feel better first and then choose an action. "Helping" her meant touching her physically, giving her an empty envelope to dump her feelings into. She cried and moaned a bit and then she was done, completely free to enjoy her next activity to it's fullest.
The thing is, brain science totally supports this.
When our emotional system gets riled up our upper brains simply shut down. It's no fault of ours! When we feel mad, sad, even terribly excited, the part of our brains, the more complex, advanced part turns itself off in order to deal with the more pressing issue at hand. Our brains use our emotions as cues. Is it time to dive into complex algebra? Or is it time to run for our life? Emotions are the clue. Terror? Run for your life!!!!!!! Calm? Let's do this math.
Echo takes several opportunities each day to dump off her emotions. She finds a parent, holds on, and just lets out any hurts or worries or concerns. In this way her slate is wiped clean. In this way her upper brain is continuously turned back on. Her pathways are WIDE OPEN. She is constantly ready for new information, empathy for others, or complex thought because she doesn't have fuzzy, unweildy, distracting emotions literally blocking her.
I am super envious.
But I am also inspired! Emotions first, action next. When I get uptight or anxious (my most common stirred-up state) I think that I need to get the dishes done or mop the floor and then I'll feel better. I look to change my outside world in order to feel better. Well guess what? This is a faulty method. The outside world is ALWAYS untidy. It's ALWAYS unruly and ready to provide cause for greater anxiety anytime I want it to. So I imagine what it's like for Echo. She gets her emotions dialed down, and then she moves.
That is fucking freedom.
An emotional state that isn't dependent on the outside world morphing itself into something more comfortable. An independent emotional state. Good golly that's good.
p.s. Need to get some emotions out? Need an empty welcoming envelope to dump them into? The Empathy Hotline is your best bet. Join the group and get empathy from all over the world.
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