Talk Feeleez

Is It Even Possible?

I've had an email from a sweet mama yearning to find connection with her children. She parented the first in an empathetic style with wildly positive results for all. But now that there are two kids... well it doesn't seem to come as easily. She feels she's just going through the motions and coming up short. She described a typical interaction at her house:

Ella is building some amazing elaborate lego house. Harper sees this, thinks it looks so cool and heads over to touch it and taste it and figure it out. Ella screams and cries when her building gets touched. 

Me: Ella! I know that's so disappointing...
Ella: No! Don't talk to me about that right now!
Me: But I want to talk about what you're feeling!
Ella: Harper touched my building! Make him stop! Fix it!

At this point, Harper starts climbing on me, pushing Ella out of the way, pulling down my shirt to nurse and also starts screaming. She amps up her screaming because she's just been pushed off my lap. I'm so so sad and exasperated at this point that the next part of the conversation goes like this:

Me (yelling, now): Ella, I told you if you want to build stuff Harper can't touch, you have to put it up high! He's curious! 
Ella: Mom! That's not fair! Much more crying and screaming.

Then I hand Harper a toy and start cleaning the kitchen or something just to get my mind off how sad I am that I don't have unlimited time with either of them. I've been trying so hard to keep things even. To give Harper all the things we gave to Ella when she was his age and to treat Ella the same as we did before Harper was born. It's not working though. I'm exhausted when I wake up and I feel as though both kids are left at the end of the day wanting more of me. 

Crap. That's my first reaction because I can just hear the emotions behind the words.

• Sadness.
• Loss of hope.
• Self-criticism.
• Sorrow. 

The scenario sounds hard, so very hard. But my second reaction is one of optimism. It is possible to parent two children (or three or four) with empathy, and to find, and relish, connection with each. So where to start?

Specific Practicalities

Let's start here with the "what do I do?" part of the scenario.

1. Still the panic.

When the tower crumbles get to the scene as quick as possible. Stop the "offender" from further changing the structure, not because he is wrong for exploring the tower but because you want Ella to be able to hear you, to sort out her feelings and to find a solution, and she will not be able to do any of that while in a state of panic about the tower.

2. Communicate to Harper.

Use words and sign language (the sign for "talk" is a wide open hand turned sideways and tapped on your chin) to explain why you are restraining him from touching the tower. "I'm going to hold you a moment and talk with Ella about the legos."

3. Communicate to Ella.

Use a loving face and explain to Ella that if Harper wants to nurse you're going to let him because that will give the two of you an opportunity to talk things through. Restrain Harper from kicking her. "I love you and I'm going to help you. Let's let Harper nurse because that will distract him from the tower and give me a chance to work this out with you. Here, let's make room right next to me so I can put my arm around you."

4. Self-Empathy.

Talk yourself down from panicking (as the two voices are raised and things are looking bad) by using self-empathy. "Shit this is hard. I'm ready to lose my top. I'm so frustrated." Let these words create a smidgen of emotional space for yourself so that you don't end up lending your own raised voice and haggard emotions to the pile.

5. Listen.

Play dumb. Act as though you don't know what the problem is so that Ella can tell you all about how hard she worked on the tower and how sad she is that it has changed shape and how tired she is of Harper touching the stuff she's working on. If the conversation goes there let her describe how sucky it is to have a little brother. Don't judge. Just listen.

6. Provide Information.

"It's important to you to build safely, but it doesn't seem as though the tower is safe down here. Harper sees a really cool, colorful thing and he wants to check it out. He's so little that right now the way he checks things out is with his hands and that changes the shape of your tower."

7. Ask.

"What do we do?"

8. Wait.

After empathy and with the perspective that you are all on the same team (no one is wrong or right), children find solutions quite easily. Wait to see what they come up with. Once completely heard through empathy Ella may not be attached to the tower at all. She may come up with a new idea. She may even want to find a game that includes her brother.

Larger Scope

1. Look for opportunity.

Instead of getting things done while both children are happy use that time to amp up connection with one of the children. Even if Ella is happily reading a book and doesn't need you, and if Harper is asleep or doing something else, use that moment to connect with Ella. Sit with her, read to her, listen to her, just tune-in completely. 

When my kids are occupied I like to scurry around and clean things and try to get out from under the always growing pile, and it is really hard not to do this. But it sounds like connection is at the top of the wish list, so perhaps the to-do list should take a back seat. It might help to keep in mind the time frame. For the next two years or so your children will need you to be very hands-on, which definitely sounds like an eternity, but in the spectrum of their lives it is quite short. So for two more years you will have a messier house and life than you like, but you will also have a lot of connection. And no regrets.

2. Set reasonable goals.

Keeping a lego tower completely intact? Not reasonable.

Maintaining connection even though the tower tumbles? Definitely within reason.

Giving Harper all the things you gave to Ella when she was his age and treating Ella the same as you did before Harper was born? Not reasonable.

Giving Harper and Ella an incredible amount of love and connection in a variety of ways? Absolutely reasonable.

3. Set an intention.

Set an intention for the day without getting too tight about how that intention is going to come to life. It seems that some of your sadness is that the ways you are able to connect with your two children don't match the way that you were able to connect with Ella when she was a solo child. Perhaps it makes more sense to intend to connect and gratefully accept the ways that connection pops up instead of deciding that it only counts if it comes in a certain package.

Decide to make the purpose of the day about connection and watch as opportunities to connect rise up. If connection is your intention then you are lucky because any instance is an opportunity; spilled milk, scratched knee, funny jokes, or surprise rain. 

4. Build trust with Ella.

Responding with empathy, choosing a same team stance, refraining from blame, and everything else mentioned above will build trust with Ella. She needs to know that she's important and loved, that she's just as important and loved as Harper even though you don't hold her and nurse her to the same degree. She will come to know that she is loved and important because you care about her thoughts and feelings, her towers and ideas. 

When she wants you to be in one place doing one thing and Harper wants you to be in a different place doing a different thing, go back to "What do we do?". This will drive home the point that they both are important, their desires are important, and that together as a team you will find a way to meet everyone's needs. 

Even Larger Scope

1. Check your level of guilt.

Really. Forgive yourself. You are not harming either child by having birthed the other. You have plenty of love to go around and with each day it grows bigger. 

2. Rewrite your story.

The current story is as you described above. Two children simply cannot be parented with a satisfying level of empathy and connection. You do not want this to be true. The more you tell this story to your neighbors, friends, husband, and to yourself the deeper it will sink into your reality and the more true it will become for you. You have a different story in mind as to how you'd like your family to unfold and if you want it to become more of your reality you'll have to start noticing it now. You already have a huge jump start. The final part of your letter said this:

The whole reason this style of parenting appealed to me was because of the connection it seemed to foster. I see it "working" in lots of other ways; the kids don't fight often and are really sweet to one another, they are both kind to other kids and communicate their needs really clearly, they are both so sensitive to others' feelings. But...

The more you notice and appreciate and languish in thoughts like this, the more your family vision will come to life. The only part I would edit is the "but" there at the end. A good rule of thumb would be to stop short any time you are about to add a "but" to your sentences. For instance: "The kids had a really great day, laughing and playing together. It was so fun to see but I just wish every day could more like that instead of the squabbling we usually see." Stop your thoughts and words before you get to the "but". Notice what you like and turn your thoughts from that which you do not.

3. Trust.

Go ahead and trust that everything you want is possible.

***************

Stale to Bountiful

My tricks had gone stale.

Recently I found myself sort of down, vaguely anxious. Nothing bad was happening, I just wasn't feeling exceptionally good. I wondered to myself if I was doing things right, I couldn't quite remember what it was I was supposed to be doing to help myself feel good. I was still making my list of gratitudes. I wasn't complaining, at least not out loud, yet my feelings were ho hum. I knew that meant my thoughts too were ho hum, even negative. It had all sneaked up on me. My thoughts weren't so awful as to really notice, and my feelings weren't so terrible as to raise any flags.

It kind of reminded me of a food diet. You start out strong, cutting out sugar and wheat and feeling great. Then time passes and blurs thre lines a bit. Later, when you find yourself munching on a tiny bit of dark chocolate you say to yourself, what was I doing before? What was that routine I had going that helped me feel better? Oh yeah, I wasn't eating dessert. Well this bit of chocolate isn't a slice of cake or a pile of cookies, it doesn't count as dessert.

My mildly negative thoughts were the dark chocolate in this scenario. A slow slide.

So okay, what to do? Search for things to appreciate and feel good about of course. Oh that old thing? Wasn't I already doing that? My whiny feeling-sorry-for-myself inner voice said: But I make the list each night. Isn't that enough? Apparently not. And my own counsel in this area was tired and rote. 

So I cruised Facebook. 

Not for inspiration, not for help, not for any good reason other than that I felt bored and lowly and turned to the computer screen like an automaton. And there was this quote from Abraham:

Take the worthiness that is yours, and let the "Fairies of the Universe" assist you. Stop taking so much responsibility upon yourself, and live happily ever after. Shorten that crevasse between where you are and where you want to be, on every subject, to now, now, now, now, now. Ride the wave. Just pluck the fruit... You don't have to be the one who puts it in the ground any more. You can just skip across the top of things and pluck the fruit of all of the things you want. "Oh, fruit. Oh, delicious this, delicious this, delicious this, delicious this." In other words, it's all right there for you; it's ready for you to receive it as fast and as soon as you will vibrationally let it in.

Oh!

Isn't it funny how one can hear something from one source and dismiss it entirely, or at least ignore it effectively, and then someone else will say the very same thing and we latch onto it like a lifeline? I do that a lot. Nathan will say something and I'm like, oh yeah sure, and then the car mechanic will say a similar thing and I'm like, OH YEAH! OF COURSE! Don't know why I do that but in this particular case I don't particularly care because this new image of picking fruits was so helpful.

• When the girls asked me to make an appointment at their salon and enjoy an HOUR long massage and hair brushing I plucked that mother-fucking fruit.
• When I asked them to get in the shower and they hopped in happily and then Xi proceeded to very carefully shampoo and condition Echo's hair without any assistance or trouble, I gladly picked that fruit as well.
• When I had to stop on the run and answer Echo's questions and the smell of the full river, newly strewn grass seeds, and fresh soil filled my nose I harvested that fruit with deep happy sniffs.
• When Nathan brought home half of a buttercream sheet cake, leftover from the gala opening of his play, I worried about my own willpower, but gathered that massive fruit with gratitude, marveling at the sheer fluffy sugary abundance.
• When I found myself at the grocery store super early in the morning and ran into Kris in the sunny spring parking lot in her yummy yellows and hand-knit sweater, I opened my hand and let that fruit drop into my palm.

Allover town, allover my life there was fruit to pick. I didn't have to toil to get it it was simply there for the taking. I didn't have to figure out ahead of time how I was going to manifest the fruit, I just had to notice it hanging there and grab it.

My mood changed. A lot. Ah the sweet relief.

Dear Martha

Martha's comment from yesterday:

I keep thinking about the "our thoughts are the creators of our feelings" idea, and understanding it somewhat, while also wondering how it counters with the tendency that many of us have of intellectualizing our emotions i.e. talking about them as if they are ideas instead of actual emotions, representing them as a fantasy place, etc. When someone says, "I'm having a thought I don't like, help me", how is that NOT in some way asking to be protected from (asking with help avoiding) the core emotional valence at work? I guess I can see how thoughts are PART of what creates feelings, or maybe SOMETIMES the creators of our feelings, but it seems to reduce something very complicated (how and why we feel what we feel we do, or what goes into the creations of feelings, especially when we might be feeling varying emotions simultaneously) to a (overly) simple construction. What do you think?

Yes I do think the construction: our thoughts create our feelings, is a simplified one. Over simplified? Maybe. Probably. But I personally don't have a problem with this, I find comfort in the black-and-whiteness of it, and perhaps especially in the amount of power that lands in my own mental hands when I try it on. But more on that later.

First let's talk about avoidance. I am pretty sure we can  all agree that avoiding emotions isnt a good thing. I would even go so far as to say that tamping down feelings, ducking them, internalizing them, and in general not feeling them is horrifically bad for human beings. But when we feel a feeling, and then purposely choose a thought that differs from the one that contributed to that feeling, we are not ignoring the original feeling, we are not shoving it down somewhere to fester and later explode, we are creating a new feeling. I know it sounds like a fine line, it is a fine line, and this is why to operate this method one needs to be impeccable, and function within the confines of utmost personal integrity.

You can do a fakey version, where when faced with a negative emotion you falsely turn your head toward the sun and proclaim that "Everything is fine!", plastering on a big fake grin to boot. But that doesn't fool anybody, least of all yourself. You have to actually do it. You have to actually feel a feeling, locate the thought that created it (if you want), decide whether or not you want that feeling, and if you do not want it, then you have to wrench your mind toward a thought that you do want. And then, you have to trust that it's okay to let go of that old thought, that if you need the information buried within it you will find it again under circumstances in which you can address it effectively. Do not look back.

When I first flirted with this method I had a nagging doubt that when I left a thought/feeling behind I was somehow cheating. I worried that there was something to learn/glean/decipher within that feeling. I figured that if I was feeling something about a particular person, choice, or situation then there must be something to work on in that arena. My upbringing, my culture, my very own personal make-up has been centered around this idea of "working on my personal stuff". I have purposely confronted countless fears in hopes of moving through them. I have created exact situations that were extremely hard for me so that I could look closely at my tendencies. I wanted to sweat and toil through "my stuff" so that I could be DONE. I wanted to check that stuff off the list. I wasn't going to be caught dead avoiding, or stuffing, or ignoring. 

Now I think differently.

I still think there is something valuable in emotions. Absolutely. I know from experience that when I feel sad, mad, uncomfortable, nervous, or irritated there is a reason I could point to. I love the idea of rooting out that potential reason and fixing it. That makes logical sense to me and has enormous appeal. BUT I now have come to learn that addressing causes while in those "negative" states of emotion backfires. When I am angsty and irritated it is not the time to broach the subject of organizing the basement with Nathan. When I make that move I get more angsty, I get more friction, I make ultimatums, I make things worse.

So, what to do instead? I feel angsty about the basement, then I check my thoughts and most often they have gone wild, telling stories that are insanely upsetting. Like: "We are just going to fill this house up with pointless trash and junk. The walls will slowly creep toward us and we will be walking down crowded paths between the junk. Maybe we have a problem. We are HOARDERS. If he doesn't jump on this RIGHT NOW it is seriously going to get out of control." Etc. Then I remember that I do not want this angsty feeling, and those thoughts aren't helping me move elsewhere emotionally. I choose a different thought, any thought that feels better. Then I spend large amounts of time feeling better.

But what about the basement?

Obviously an organized basement is important to me, that's why I had the angsty feeling to begin with, right? Right. Changing my thoughts to a new and better feeling thought doesn't mean that I avoid the initial cause altogether. I never forget what I want for the basement. Instead, from a good feeling place (the same day or the next week), I am inspired to act, inspired to brainstorm, excited to create the image I have in mind. I talk to Nathan from a non-blaming, cooperative stance. I am jazzed and alive with promise. And from that place I can get some serious shit done. 

I address the issue from a better feeling place. There is no avoidance but loads of trust. I trust that any work I need to do on a certain area will still happen. It will happen from a place where I can make significant and lasting change. I used to think that if I got distracted by feeling happy then I wouldn't ever change the thing that I so desperately wanted to change because it made me unhappy. Now I know the work will happen while I am busy feeling content.

Now, do I think there are feelings that arise separate from thought? Yes. I think there are feelings that come from old associations and they pop up so rapidly that there is no discernible thought that precedes them. Some of these feelings of course come from old feelings which themselves were preceded by unpleasant thoughts, and some of these feelings come from old feelings about something that actually happened that we didn't enjoy. And some feelings seem to have no origin at all and seem to birth themselves in our midst without any warning. But in every case, at the onset of any feeling, even if there is no thought that came before, there is thought that comes after.

There are thoughts that drive you further into your pain, and there are thoughts that shift you out of that pain. Both are authentic interpretations of ones reality, and "truth" can be found in either direction. If you have an awareness of Law of Attraction then the choice of which direction to turn with your thoughts is a matter of what you want more of in your life. You can focus on the thoughts of pain, poke at the causes, and look for solutions, but you are still focusing on PAIN. Or, you could focus on a thought that feels better. You will still find solutions but you will feel better while doing so.

If you are superhuman you may be able to have a feeling and not create a thought about it. I certainly strive for this. But emotions, when left to themselves are incredibly fleeting. I find that I can only stay with an emotion if I nourish it with thoughts that encourage it to stick around. If I feel sad and yearn for a good cry, I can't get that feeling to stay with me unless I tell myself some kind of story, usually one that involves exaggerations and generalizations. So although I do think there is merit in staying with a feeling and honoring it's presence, the "staying" that any of us are doing, even at it's most lengthy, is only going to be a matter of seconds. And then what? Then our brains will start whirling, having thoughts before we even want them to.

And so it goes. Forever.

Yes, this is a simplified construction. The idea of picking new thoughts seems irritatingly elementary and "catch-all" but one of the things I like about it, is the amount of autonomy I am given when I choose to embrace it. I don't need anyone else to do anything else in order to find peace. I don't need a cooperative partner, I don't need more money, I don't need a specific professional, I don't need anything to be different other than my own thoughts. And those are within my own head! I can steer those! And I can enjoy incredible changes for the good as a result, and I can feel good while creating that change.

Are there other paths to feeling good? Of course. In fact, you can ignore every word I have written. Instead use the better/worse gauge. Does hashing things out with your partner in the heat of the moment feel good, or at least better than what you were feeling? Then by all means do it! Nathan and I got a lesson in this one day when Bella, out of anger toward her younger sister kept hiding important possessions that her sister would then miss and cry about. As the parents we kept getting mad at Bella. Then we remembered that the emotion of Revenge is higher up the feeling ladder than Anger. Now, I didn't know revenge was a feeling, I'm still not convinced, but I was willing to recognize that Bella, by hiding Xi's shoes or favorite teddy bear, was looking for a way to feel a little better. When Nathan and I stopped her, and got mad at her for these actions, she got wildly frustrated and angry, sliding further down the ladder of emotions.

In any case when I notice myself, or anyone else doing this I can find empathy that was previously unavailable. It's easier to have empathy for a little girl trying to feel better than for a bully hiding someone's teddy bear (but then again there are those pesky thoughts again! Two thought versions of the same scenario!). I don't remember exactly what we did on that day, with our girls and their emotional needs, but the example remains in my head. We have an instinct to feel better and will find ways to do so. Nothing is required- no charts, blog posts, or theories - only an awareness and a desire.

***

Thank you Martha for inspiring the mental digging. This is what I think, although after 2,000 words I still don't know if I've answered your question!

xo

Three Methods for Bedtime Fears

1. 

The first method involves empathy, of course. Empathy means hearing the child's fears and being with them without trying to make them go away. It means sitting with the feelings together instead of trying to shove them aside so that the whole go-to-sleep process is quicker. (And believe me, I am just like you and definitely want that process to be f-ing faster some nights.)

When in a hurry empathy seems like the S.L.O.W route, but go ahead and test it. Time the process using empathy and time it using punishment or logic. You'll be surprised.

Feelings don't go away through punishment. Kids don't feel less scared of the dark even when threatened with a spanking unless they get in bed and close their eyes. Threats and punishment are more likely to enlarge feelings of fear. And feelings don't go away through logic either. Honey there is nothing scary in here. Nothing in the closet, I checked. Nothing under the bed, I checked there too. In fact, when faced with a parent trying to talk them out of being scared, kids cling ever tighter to the very idea. They defend their position just like anyone else faced with a devil's advocate. If you let people have their feelings there is nothing to fight for and the emotions can go their natural course.

But one night our oldest girl, age eleven, wanted more from me. She felt the empathy, she liked the company, but she wanted to know what to do. She kept saying again and again, "I just don't know what to do!" while writhing in the discomfort of her emotional state. At that point I was resigned to a lengthy process, but I wasn't exactly welcoming of that process. When the words slipped out of my mouth I gulped, thinking perhaps I had lifted the veil of my parental wisdom and revealed a skinny old man instead of the all-powerful wizardess I like to project. I said:

There is nothing you can do.

At first she was panicked, and so was I! What was I saying? Where do we go from here except deeper into terror? But then I caught my own drift. My frustration had lead me further into the bare naked truth about feelings and maybe the truth would prove helpful.

I explained that there is nothing "to do" with a feeling other than to feel it fully. And although that seems even more terrifying, the fact of the matter is that , even if we wanted to, our brains are unable to hold a feeling for very long. Even if we try very hard they slip between our fingers and morph into something else. It is literally impossible to stay in a feeling. 

And even though I didn't know where I was going when I began the conversation the destination proved to be a comforting one. I stood next to Bella's top bunk and held her hand while she felt her feeling, and then while she lost that feeling. Her breath calmed, her skin cooled, and she dropped into sleep.

So there's that. But we've gotten even better at this challenge with little Echo, four years old. Echo is the youngest so she has enjoyed empathy from the beginning (no rough transitions from praise/punishment for her) but she has also had the newest ideas incorporated into her routines early on.

2.

One of these newer ideas is that our thoughts are the creators of our feelings. This concept, because we were able to share it with her at such an early age, is now built into Echo's understanding of the world. So now when she is scared at night, she completely bypasses the part where she tells me she is scared and then I offer empathy. Instead she instantly jumps to: "Mom, I'm having a thought I don't like. Will you help me?" She won't give me the slightest detail as to what thought is bothering her (if I really press it's usually a past dream or an uncomfortable scene from a book) because she doesn't want to spend any more time in that thought/feeling. What she asks for instead of empathy is a boost into a different thought. She closes her eyes and I give her some material to work with.

One night I described a still pool with some inflatable toys, a stack of thick towels, an umbrella for shade, a stereo set-up with a stack of audio stories at the ready, and a table with beef jerky, watermelon, cupcakes, and lemonade. I didn't know where I was going with it but I liked the image in my own head. It felt peaceful and full of promise. She interrupted to ask if the cupcakes could be made from Xylitol (a natural sugar substitute that is good for teeth) so that she could eat two cupcakes in her dream. I agreed and she dropped off to sleep. I think she spent most of the night at that pool because in the morning she woke up and drew a replica of the scene.

On another night she woke me up to ask for a new thought. She'd been having a bad dream and wanted to be launched into another dream reality. Half-asleep I dredged up an image of ten purple yoga balls, an empty room with mirrors on the walls, and her sisters. Fifteen seconds later she was adrift in her new world.

Then last night she was flipping and flopping, uncomfortable with her mental state and so asked for a new thought. I drew an image of the beach for her with an ideal shade/sun combination, snacks, and a perfect hole for her to play in right next to where I was sitting. She set sail into the image but then resurfaced later, frustrated. She said: It's not working out Mom! I can't get the hole quite right!" So I used my arms to indicate how big around, how deep, and what the ratio of water to sand was. Apparently that was just the extra boost she needed because she fell deeply asleep.

So there's that too.

But the trick is to know when to use which right? In the first scenario I could have reminded Bella that she was feeling scared because she was choosing thoughts that carried her there but I could tell she wasn't receptive. Not only has she not had this concept as part of her early development, she also was too far in. In other words, bringing this information to her awareness and asking her to find a happy thought in the midst of her terror was too much like disregard for her current emotional state, too much like talking her out of her feelings, perhaps even too much like blame. The last thing she needed was for me to say something that might sound like: Well you brought this fear on yourself. 

And furthermore, happy thoughts were simply too far out of reach.

3.

This brings us to a third method. What Bella needed, in addition to empathy, was a better feeling thought. It was too big a leap for her to go from fear/terror to contentment or jubilation. No amount of  beach thoughts, or cupcake thoughts was going to transport her that great distance. She needed a thought that bumped her just a little higher up the feeling ladder. In this case, the thought that feelings don't last probably brought her out of fear, and into worry. Now worrying doesn't sound conducive to sleep either but the idea is that it is more conducive to sleep than fear. While trying on the new thought she might have worried that the fear would last longer than she liked, and that waiting part probably(knowing Bella - she can't stand waiting) turned into boredom.

Boredom is more conducive to sleep than worry. See what I'm getting at?

Bella needed the empathy in order to move from terror to plain fear. The new thought escorted her from fear to worry. Waiting, in the company of a loved one, for the shift to take place sent her into boredom. And boredom allowed for new thoughts, even thoughts/feelings of contentment. From there sleep was imminent.

I guess this third method is really just a combination of the first two, but the important part to remember is that when helping your child move through his/her feelings don't push the happiness envelope. Help them instead to tick up through the notches of feeling. Have patience. Aid them in reaching not for the very best thought they can think of but simply a thought that feels just a little bit better than the current one. 

These methods are certainly intuitive, try not to over think it. There are charts and lists on this emotion spectrum topic that are utterly fascinating, but you certainly don't need to know the precise order of the hierarchy in order to recognize better from worse. We all know what a sleeping child looks like. We all know what heavy lids and cosmic gazes predict.

Guiding our children to that place really is the best thing under the sun.

 

Think Of Yourself As A Werewolf

I talked with my mom on the phone last night. We got the giggles about my "It Isn't Always Easy" post. It had become funny because I was no longer feeling that way. It was funny because the post was about then not now. It wasn't funny when it was now. I suppose the passage of time is pretty crucial to finding humour in ones despair.

When I went to bed later I pondered the fact that I was feeling different now, not as at-risk for negative stories and poor thought choices. As I climbed into the flannel sheets I thanked my lucky stars that I hadn't made any lasting mistakes while under the spell of my PMS/moodiness/funk/whatever-it-was. For that particular day or two I had been vulnerable to unhelpful thoughts and as a result had been dangerous to my own well-being. I was glad that from that perspective I didn't do anything rash. I was reminded of werewolves. Werewolves that deplore their condition and don't want to eat their friends every time the moon bulges into full roundness take precautions. They lock themselves into a secure place. They foresee their transformation and remove themselves from possibly harming others. They hunker down and wait for time to pass. They wait until they are in a safer form before they re-enter their lives and carry on with choices and careers and loved ones.

At least all the werewolves I know do this.

Maybe we all could take some lessons from these mystical beasts. When we feel the funk coming on, when we sense ourselves surrounded by negative-thought rabbit holes, when all we can see before us is a vision of our lives that we do not like, and try as we might we can't seem to shift that perspective, we can take some precautions. Follow a set of werewolf guidelines. For the days that our "condition" lasts we might make the following things/actions off limits:

- no interaction with bills in any form. No sorting, no stacking, no "organizing"

- no phone calls or emails to exes

- no phone calls or emails to your partner's exes either

- no obsessive email checking (limit of two checks per day?)

- no bikini shopping

- no browsing rival "friends" facebook pages, especially photos of tropical vacations

- no inventory of anyone's faults, including spouses, self, children, in-laws, parents

- no hair cuts

- no decisions greater than "what's for dinner"

- no "thought-provoking" documentaries

- no descriptions of "what is"

- no self-describing whatsoever

*Feel free to add your own risky behavior to this list.

INSTEAD you follow your own werewolf safety-measures lifestyle, which not only permits but strongly suggests:

- spending the entire duration of the "condition" blindly looking at all things pretty, happy, and easy

- watching lightweight, embarrassing-to-admit-that-you-watch, comedies

- doing only things that feel physically good

- postponing all phone calls

- not "getting stuff accomplished"

- not "staying informed" on important issues

- reading a book in the middle of the day

- taking two showers, or one shower and a bath, or three showers, or three baths

- practicing yoga

- practicing yoga but then stopping midway to read a book on the couch instead

- noticing things you like

- laughing

* Feel free to add your own feel-good item to the list, or even items that simply don't feel bad.

When we are in this dangerous condition and can't seem to think ourselves into a different view of ourselves and/or our world, we can at the very least, prevent any further damage. We can follow the lead of our werewolf cousins. We can keep everyone safe. We can hunker down and wait for the fever to pass.

It Isn't Always Easy

Yesterday I had that kind of day. You know what I mean. Anxious I guess. PMSing for sure - that's a feeling right? And I was so aware of it, really aware that I was in dangerous territory. I knew that I was very vulnerable to traveling down a path of thought that didn't feel good. I noticed how very easily I could weave a story (or two or three) that would match my feelings. It was the kind of day where I wanted to break my thought diet, feel sorry for myself, take a long bath and count my woes.

I wanted to.

But I didn't, at least not all the way. I saw the rabbit holes surrounding my feet, I heard them calling my name. And for the first part of the day I danced past them, turning my gaze toward all of the wonderful things I saw around me: the river flowing strong, the cat like a twisted puddle on the couch, Echo and her cuteness and spelling attempts, the hug I got from a kid at recess. These images reminded me of how lovely this world truly is. 

Phew.

But I still heard that siren call, that irresistible urge to go through some things that can always get my brow furrowed. I noticed that although I was avoiding the rabbit holes I was still flirting with them. It was almost as if I wanted to get riled up. Flirting with the darker side of things.

Then nighttime came and despite my better judgement my flirting grew ever more aggressive. I thought: now would be a great time to haul out the stack of bills and discuss them (NOT A GOOD TIME! NOT A GOOD TIME!) and I did. Then I thought: now would be a good time to drag out the calendar and try to nail down some difficult scheduling with Nathan (NOT A GOOD TIME! NOT A GOOD TIME!) and I did. When Nathan asked me what I wanted to do with the rest of the evening and listed some options I was almost irritated by the suggestions. I was seriously in danger. He's a pretty intuitive guy so lovingly guided me toward a lightweight activity- a couple episodes of The Office - one that always makes us laugh really hard and feel good as a result. 

Not bad.

But then afterward, at 11:45 and really tired, I thought: On my way to bed I'll bring up a contentious issue and see if we can quickly come up with a concrete plan (NOT A GOOD TIME! NOT A GOOD TIME!) and I did and it didn't go well. Brushing my teeth, all my flirting came crashing down on me and I started to cry. The effort of fighting the urges to go to the dark side all day felt, not only exhausting, but also impossible. I knew my own advice - turn to thoughts that feel better- and I couldn't do it! The stories, old stories that bring despair, came rushing forward eager to have a turn on the stage. At one point I looked at myself in the mirror and thought: I need to pray. I need help or something. And then there was the horrible realization that there is no external help for this sort of thing. The demons are in my own brain and I can't be rescued from them by anyone other than myself.

How I hated that realization.

In the past I would have spent that time brushing my teeth composing my next conversation with a trusted friend. I would have detailed my situation and planted the blame firmly on circumstances and other people. I would have felt right and amped up and certain of how everything else could change in order for me to feel better. But I've made that a non-option, certain beyond a shadow of a doubt that responses like that only bring me more of whatever I am "right" about. Sigh.

So this time I just noticed. I noticed how quickly the stories, the justifications, the complaints, were to rush in. I noticed that I wanted to be a victim. And the noticing helped. It was as if I saw those stories and complaints knocking on the door and for one desperate moment they felt like zombies, not to be stopped from crushing me. I thought I was going down, down, down. But then I didn't. I didn't because, even though I was totally weak and susceptible that path isn't as well greased as it used to be. All the turning-my-thoughts I have done over the last year made it so I couldn't slip down there as easily.

Instead I sighed. Spared in some sense, and back to the realization that it's just me here. Me and my toothbrush and my thoughts. I trumped downstairs, asked Nathan for a hug, and we stood there for a long long time.

I wanted to skip my list of appreciation ritual. It was past midnight and I'd had a hard day. I wanted to give myself the gift of slipping into bed and straight to sleep. But my wisdom kicked in. After a day like this, making a long list of all the wondrous things to be appreciated is absolutely crucial.

In any case I figured I should share this. I never want anyone to think I am cavalier about this subject, that it's always easy to turn your mind to friendlier thoughts. Sometimes it's hard. I know it's hard. 

Plenty of Room for Empathy. Plenty of Need for Empathy

A question arose in response to my last post - Expand Your Definition of Complaint:

I really identify with being Down to Earth and Authentic. I guess I find that if other folks are always happy and everything is just perfect for them, I do find this rather boring. But more importantly, I find comfort in knowing others have perhaps been where I've been, or am at where I'm at. Knowing I'm not alone in my problems or struggles. If a friend is always just talking about how perfect everything is, and seems like they have no problems or struggles, then I don't really feel very connected to them as a friend, or a fellow human for that matter. I certainly don't enjoy conversations that are full of negativity, so I certainly keeping 'complaints' and whatnot to a minimum, but I do feel that if they aren't there at all, we just aren't being truthful (oh, there's that one too!)

That said, once in a while I find very positive people that are very inspiring and I love their company. Maybe the difference is some of these folks are truly happy and some of them are just faking it? I don't know.

I have definitely 'faked it' as an employee. Especially on temporary jobs. I've found that bosses really don't like to hear anything negative, so if I can keep that to a minimum, and just pretend I'm having the time of my life or whatever, things go well. However, I really don't love doing that, it feels so inauthentic.

So...how does this fit in with the practice of empathy? It seems kind of counter to that to me. "Oh you don't like that, that hurts!" Etc...

 

Let's start with these people that are "always happy and everything is perfect for them". If it isn't feeling good to be around people like this one reason might be that you are sensing falseness. A put-on vision of the world or ones life can be boring, for sure. Not because the subject matter is inherently boring, but because the storyteller isn't telling a version of the truth. Think bad, shallow, hollow novel compared to riveting documentary. 

People who really do feel good are anything but boring. They are from the "riveting documentary" category. And what's even better is their vision of the world leaves room for you to be happy! You don't have to temper your successes when with a person such as this. They are not threatened by your successes.

Fear of boring another person, or causing them to feel jealousy or any other uncomfortable emotion, inspires us to dumb-down our experience, to highlight the hardships or fuck-ups enough to keep the other person comfortable. It is incredible that we are willing to have a shitty life (since that's what we are doing every time we tell a story we'd rather not be living) in order to preserve someone else's emotional comfort. Every person has access to the same happiness and happiness tools. We are not doing anyone any favors by bringing to their experience undesirable examples. In contrast, when we live our shiniest selves we light the way for them to do the same. 

This brings us to the second possible reason that being around an "always happy and everything is perfect for them" kind of person doesn't feel good: scarcity. The majority of us have been raised in a scarcity structure. For instance it seems to make sense to us that if we are to make money, someone else has to lose money. We imagine a fixed quantity of goodness. We imagine that one friend feeling happy or having good things happen to them means that someone else has lost some of that goodness. We feel nervous and frightened under these circumstances. It's more comfortable to see someone else struggling, not only because we can relate, but because then there might still be some of that limited goodness coming our way. 

We don't believe that there is enough money, happiness, goodness or health to go around (despite mountains of evidence to the contrary), so when we see another person succeeding we don't think: Good for her! I'm going for the same!, we think: But I want that! No fair!

The truth is that there is plenty to go around. In fact, if you are seeing evidence of what you desire, even if it's happening for others, it means that you are on track for that yourself. This quotation was on the Abraham-Hicks facebook page this very morning:

Feel appreciation for those who provide examples of Well-being. How would you know that prosperity was possible if there wasn't some evidence of prosperity around you? It's all part of this contrast that helps you to sharpen your desire.

Which brings us to the topic of empathy. It is my experience that true empathy brings desire to the forefront, brings to light the "want" behind the upset. Knowing what you want is imperative to getting what you want.

Now I slipped in the word "true" there because there is something that looks a lot like empathy but is more akin to embellishing/enhancing the very story that is causing that person pain. 

Example: Your friend thinks her husband is cheating.

Story-embellishing-version-of-empathy: Oh my god! How awful! Oh this is what you have always dreaded! Remember on your wedding day, you had that little snippet of doubt? Remember? You wondered if you could really trust him. Oh no! Now you find out that you can't! What an asshole. 

True Empathy: Darn. How is that for you? Scary?

(You could also call this minimal empathy.) 

The idea is that by keeping your focus on the emotion, not the story, you free that person from further inscribing that story in stone. Instead they can easily identify the flip-side of what they are feeling and start thinking about what they want instead. In the above example the friend is likely to eventually respond with something like: Yeah it is scary. I really want to feel safe and secure in my marriage. I want to feel connected and in-tune with my husband.

Sometimes, especially with our kids, we help them find this new story/desire through our empathetic statements.

Example: The kids disagreed about a game and the conflict resulted in hitting.

Our response: Oh darn! That's not what you wanted at all is it? You guys were really loving that game. You want to be able to keep playing it and agree on how it goes.

We give them empathy without reinforcing the unwanted story and introducing the wanted story.

You cannot make someone tell a different story, to choose another less-complainy perspective. In fact when someone is downloading if you try to steer them toward positivity, Look at all that you've got going for you! Look on the bright side!, they are most likely going to defend their position ever more firmly, and further perpetuate that particular story. But with a little empathy, folks feel free to release that story/feeling since they aren't having to fight for their right to have it.

Once freed they can look toward what they want instead.

Expand Your Definition of Complaint

Oh the layers.

I've been thinking about this purposeful thought thing some more. I want a happy life, happy moments, an easier time of things in general so I've been watching my thoughts. Well, more exactly I watch my feelings, as it's WAY easier and less likely to make one certifiably insane. If I'm feeling good I know I am having "good" thoughts. If I'm feeling bad- anxious, scared, angry, frustrated, it's absolutely because I followed a train of thought down a road that isn't helpful.

One of the short cuts I use to this end, and advise others to use during our phone consults, is to stop complaining.

Now this seems basic on the surface. Everyone knows what it means to complain and also that it's generally not thought of as a socially pleasing habit to boot, so the folks I talk to don't offer any resistance to adding this to their list of homework. And I'm the same way. Stop complaining? No problem I'm not really a "complainy person" anyway.

But guess what? I am a describer. And guess what else? Describing something I didn't like, continue to not like, and don't even want in my life at all will only bring me more of that something. If I'm going to use a shortcut like "Don't complain" I've got to expand my definition of complaining to include all of that brilliant describing I like to do. 

I try to let myself off the you-manifest-your-own-reality hook by making an exception for describing. Here are some other qualities we think let us off the hook creating things we don't want. We aren't complaining we are being:

Funny.

Interesting.

Truthful.

Authentic.

Down to earth.

Funny - I can tell really hilarious stories about really crappy things that have happened to me. I'm being funny! Surely this category is exempt! Nope. If you tell witty stories about how you are always the one that steps in dog shit, then you will always be the one that steps in dog shit.

Interesting - Just having a regular things-are-going-good kind of conversation can feel frightfully boring. And yes, the fact that your teenager managed to find yet another way to be a total asshole, is by some accounts, interesting. But you most likely don't want him to continue being an asshole, or become an even greater asshole, and that's what you're going to get with stories like these. Maybe boring is better?

Truthful - This one gets me because I always tell the truth. If I am telling how it is I like my audience to get the full picture. I like to include vivid details that really put the person right there in my experience. I even like to impersonate my characters and add real mood to my telling. It's the truth but if it's not a truth I want to experience again I have to let this hobby go. In avoiding this pitfall I have realized that there is about a million angles on truth. If Echo got sick on wednesday and now it's sunday and someone asks me how we are doing I could say: MY GOD it's been rough. Who knew a kid could puke that much! I'm talking horror movie levels. I swear. And out the other end too! Jesus. It's just been one thing after another, I tell ya. OR I could say: She's SO much better. What a sweet girl. Today she's sitting up, playing more, even eating so she's much much better. Every day she gets better.

Down to Earth - We give each other a lot of crap in this culture for being too happy, for things going too well. Or maybe it's okay if they go well we just aren't supposed to talk about it. (In the context of this create-your-life concept this cultural habit is lame.) In order to avoid any snubbing or jealousy we throw details of hardship into our conversations. We "keep it real" to maintain friendships. 

Authentic- You don't have to be fake in order to stop complaining. The idea is not that you have a thought, feel something in response, then shove that aside, fake a different emotion and share that. Oh me? No! I'm fine! Perfectly fine - when really you are the opposite. Instead if you have a thought that creates a feeling that you don't enjoy, you turn your perspective/head/mind until you find a thought that gives you a better feeling. Then you express that.

There are many sneaky ways we think about and talk about things in our life that we don't even want but keep creating because we keep thinking about them and talking about them!

Here are some more sneaky examples, phrases like:

Have you heard the latest drama with _____?

Well, he's really a short-attention kind of kid so...

My husband and I have always been ______. No, it's true, since the day we met it's gone this way.

I am just a scaredy-cat. No seriously! I swear I jump at my own shadow.

Unfortunately it all counts. Whether you are describing or being truthful or keeping it real or being funny it all counts when it comes to giving yourself more of whatever you are discussing. If you are going to use the shortcut of not complaining you've got to expand your definition.

Good Feeling Thoughts are Easier to Maintain Than a Perfect Life

One time, in my twenties I was dating a guy. When I had a trip scheduled to come home to Santa Cruz for a visit, I invited him. I knew he would love it here. But then as the day got closer I pictured him, under this particular sun, in the shade of this particular redwood tree and I un-invited him. It wasn't going to work. The trip, perhaps even the relationship. Somehow imagining him in the format of my hometown brought things into perspective and I could see clearly.

This place is like a mirror. The mirror that you use to really see, hear, understand things. Like when you buy clothes at a shop but you have a lingering doubt that that dressing room, with it's large mirror and overhead lights, isn't showing you truly what the skirt/pants/shirt/bathing suit really look like. You need to bring them home and look at them in the old mirror behind the closet door to know for sure.

That's what this place is.

Sometimes that's painful. Sometimes I am trudging along a certain path and then I get here and this mirror sweeps the rug out from under me. Very often I am left with extreme longing and intense self-criticism. I don't particularly like those times. So when I say to the cashier at the Good Food Store in Missoula that I'm just grabbing some snacks for our family trip to Santa Cruz I know that before his eyes he sees sand and surf, sunshine and palm trees. And he's right, that's all here, but that's not what I see. In fact I know I won't use a photo for this post, not because we haven't taken any, but because photos don't show smell or nostalgia or history or sadness or healing or hope. They don't show unavoidable self-reflection.

And here I am, in the nest of all that. But I'm good.

I'm good.

I'm great.

Who I am, where I'm walking, how I'm walking, who I'm walking with, and what I'm walking toward? That reflection looks just right in this mirror. The reflection I see here, matches the one in Missoula, and more importantly, it matches the one in my heart.I am finding incredible peace in that alignment.

But hold on a minute.

I just got up to make tea and while stirring honey, thought over what I have just written. In a movie it would be that moment where the characters freeze and there is the sound of a record screeching to a halt. I believe I just gave you the impression, and more alarmingly, myself the impression, that I am feeling good during this particular trip home because I have finally got my life into a place that feels good. I am doing my life "right" so to speak so am not falling victim to self-criticism or extreme longing or desperate thoughts of making changes. Under this impression I immediately started making a catalog of what I am doing with my life right now so that I could "keep up the good work" and therefore keep up the good feelings.

Aack. That isn't even true. Or possible.

The reflection of who I am, under this sun or under the shade of this redwood tree isn't feeling good because I've figured out the right hoops to jump through. No. I am feeling good because I am feeling good. I am feeling good because I have, for the first time in my life, made it a priority to reach for thoughts that feel good. And yes, things in my life have fallen into line and I am extraordinarily happy with my triumphs, but I feel good, not because of the triumphs but because I simply feel good, because I have chosen to think thoughts that float me in that direction.

THAT'S THE DIFFERENCE THIS TIME AROUND

Well hallelujah because good feeling thoughts are easier to maintain than a perfect life.

You have been with me for this journey. I'm not saying anything new, I know. Sometime last winter I made a choice, a choice to turn my head from thoughts that caused me anxiety, and toward thoughts that felt better. And I've been keeping it up. It's been almost a year now. And coming here, to Santa Cruz and every member of my family, and history, and evaluation, and context, is the ultimate test. I am passing!

Early in our trip I had an anxious moment. I shared it with Nathan. He said something that reminded me, the trick isn't to change circumstances - saying the right thing, doing the right thing - but to change my view. He said a short sentence with glee and a smile and he kissed me and I remembered, Oh yeah! Reaching for a better thought, and away from this anxiety inspiring story, works in all parts of the world. It works here in my family home just as well as it does in Montana, in my own personal home.

Good thoughts are mobile! They fit in a suitcase! They feel good under California sun and the shade of a redwood tree!

And because I am not wrestling with thoughts, thoughts of struggle or change or worry or anxiety, I am available to experience the fucking radness of this place, these people, my life. There is sun - I mentioned that but when you live in Montana and there still aren't even buds on the trees in March you really can't mention it enough. There is fauna like you wouldn't believe - eucalyptus, bamboo, redwoods, oaks, jasmine, lemons, prickly pear, cherry blossoms, sea weed, flowering weeds -  you name it and it grows here. There is family - I love these people and they love me and my kids and my partner. There is fun - can you say multi-generational roller skating at the rink I went to as a kid???? There is the beach - my girls, starved by a winter of snow, the only ones frolicking in the waves like it's midsummer. There is good food - made by other people! By my mom, by my step-mom, by restaurants. Hybrid concoctions of vietnamese, mexican, and thai that I would roll in if I could. There are scents on the air - sea salt, night blooming jasmine, organic colognes. There are friends - people I have loved, continue to love, and want to link elbows with and chat into the night. There are my children - barefoot, bouncing from one delighted pair of arms to another. There is my partner- handsome, calm, guitar playing and tea drinking.

This is all here, it always has been here, but now I get to receive it fully.

Get Dumber

We know a lot, we do. We've looked at all the elements of our lives and can see it, in plain detail, the reality of our worlds. We've been praised for this. For example, our parents love it when we look at our financial situation and then make a mature decision to not use our student loans for a trip to Peru. We get good thumps on our backs for that sort of thing. And other people praise us too, like when we look at our five-foot frame and make peace with the fact that we won't be on the catwalk for Prada next Spring. Folks love it when we take stock and get our heads out of the clouds, they take large inhales and congratulate us on "working with that which we are dealt".  

I myself have always prided myself for practicality. I listened to the talk of my environment and never wanted to be seen as impractical, gasp!, or naive, even worse! And so I know the allure of doing what makes sense and certainly of not doing anything outwardly that shows any kind of foolishness. I think I've spent a good part of my life dodging the appearance of foolishness. Poor me.

But let me just be clear about one thing. All this care for reality, all this acceptance of what is, only makes sense, only has any merit if you like the reality that you see. In other words, if you are totally cool with the parameters you see before you, if you like the cozy spot that leaves you then by all means make a clear inventory of your edges, definitely talk about it with friends, certainly beat the drum of this reality. Scream it loud.

But if you do not?

Then stop it.

This "reality" thing doesn't even exist. Anything you see is there because you have listened to a story about it, added to that story with your own experience and evidence, and then further cemented that story with complaints, charting, and taking stock of "what is". For instance your mom told you that bad knees run in the family. Then one time in junior high gym you twisted your own going for the volleyball. And now you are fifty-two and one hundred pounds overweight. You'd love to run or do Zumba or Piyo or whatever new-fangled thing the skinny girls are into but you can't. You've got those bad knees. The "reality" is that you're going to be fat and that's all there is to it. Better make peace with what is, right?

Fuck that.

Nobody wants that story to be true, so the obvious urge is to tell a different story. You try waking up each morning and saying: "I HAVE PERFECTLY HEALTHY KNEES!" and it feels right and good and more things feel possible, until you catch yourself in the mirror, or your knees creak while going downstairs, or the dog pees on the rug, or the coffee-hut you frequent is closed for remodel, or any other uncomfortable thought or experience comes your way and then you think: :"This positive thinking thing is BULLSHIT! I've got to get practical. Nothing ever changes with wishful thinking. I either get a second job to pay for Jenny Craig and low-impact water aerobics or I'll be fat forever."

But the problem isn't that you lost track of reality, that you are a fool for trying to think your way to something that feels better. The problem is that you jumped, you made a leap for a story that was so far from the one that you have practised that you don't believe it. And because you don't believe it you actually gather contrary evidence, more examples of how impossible the new story actually is.

The trick is to poke some holes in your original and unwanted story. If you've practised thinking a particular way for a long time you might not even recognize your reality as a story, it feels simply true. It feels so true as to be made of concrete, solid and incontrovertible. But it isn't. Just watch.

Pick a phrase that brings possibility.

I know nothing.

What else is possible?

Nothing stays the same.

I personally like I know nothing because it opens things pretty wide and sort of flies in my face any time I think I know how things work and therefore begin to anticipate any number of "realities". Once you've picked your phrase, use it as a mantra. Use it every time you feel that familiar dread or anxiety. Use it when you figure things are going to go the way they always have. Use it again and again and again.

Then notice.

Notice every time your (now new) reality matches this thought. Notice when the neighbor shovels your walk too instead of stopping at his usual boundary line. Notice when your kids surprisingly engage in some sort of team play instead of continuing the usual argument about couch space. Notice when your hair feels thicker than it usually does. Notice when your usual body lotion is inexplicably a dollar cheaper. Notice. 

Now you've got evidence. Now you've got evidence that your world matches your thoughts. Now you've got confidence, proof that you are a powerful being, proof that what you thought was "reality" is just a set of thoughts repeated over time and not at all a solid edifice impermeable to change.

Oh the possibilities!

Now, just stay with it. Leave all the charting and knowing of the previous story behind. Embark on the strictest thought diet of your life - hug the thoughts that support your new story and turn your back on the ones that do not. Even if "reality" is calling your attention toward them, even then, especially then.

Yes you do know a lot. You have years of experience. You are a veteran of this thing called life. But now that you know so much try knowing nothing. Embrace being less smart, embrace your inner "fool". See where you can go with that.