Talk Feeleez

Ideally I Would Have Skipped the Persuasion Part Altogether

From now on all of my posts will be about soccer.

Just kidding. 

But really those soccer games! I tell you it's like a whole parenting universe shrunk down to a bite-size and potent chunk. There are other kids doing things and I have thoughts about those things. And there are other parents doing things, and by god I certainly have thoughts about those things. And then there are MY KIDS!

Xi came to the soccer game this time and as we were arriving she was getting Echo psyched about her opponent, a local Orthodontics team in green jerseys. She was pretty sure Echo's team would win. And there it is that competition thing, the part I have been cringing about, the part I was worried other people would impose on my family, and the first time it reared up was in our own van. I ended up saying: "Well win or lose it doesn't really matter because you still get to do all the fun parts either way. You still get to run and cheer and kick and all that good stuff."

Then I crossed my fingers that mere words could land in the hearts of my girls and make a difference.

Then, unrelated to this conversation, Echo wouldn't play the game. 

Our worst nightmare! Okay, now that I read those lines it sounds a bit dramatic. The other night I woke up and Echo was nowhere to be found. Not in bed! In the middle of the night! I went into complete shock but before I FREAKED out and died of fear and sorrow that our littlest was taken in the night I went pee. In stumbled Echo - returning from (irrationally) having gone downstairs to find me - alive and well. Phew. So, a child disappearing is our worst nightmare, but in the world of sports, having the kid that simply won't go onto the field even though the game is starting is at the very least, nerve wracking. 

She was nervous. Too nervous and she wanted to go home.

Nathan and I pulled out all of the logic we could.

• - her team needed her to be the fifth player
• - her team needed her to help them protect the goal and get the ball
• - she had chosen to play soccer and this is what "playing soccer" means
• - they built the team with the notion that Echo would be the fifth player and it isn't really fair now to not be that fifth player
• - she was nervous last time and remember how much fun it was?
• - it would feel better after she started, perhaps she should just get out there and give it a shot
• - Xi is here to see the game and she really wants to see her sister play
• - we're asking you to trust us. We think this is really something you can do.
• - You can look to make your own fun, you can look for opportunities to have as much fun as possible.

But Echo was serious. She. Wasn't. Playing. Meanwhile the coach was calling for her and the game had actually started. We poured on the empathy. 

• You're cold.
• You're nervous.
• Oh man. That's hard.

Nathan and I were exchanging OH SHIT! glances as all of our words just rained down on the resolute girl.

Because here is the truth folks. You can't make kids do anything.

I wanted her to join her teammates. I also wanted her to have fun. I wanted her to want to play. But she didn't want to and even if I dragged her out there I couldn't make her actually play. Even if we threatened her with punishment we couldn't make her have fun or like soccer or do anything different than what she was doing. And of course I wasn't going to punish or threaten. Of course I am only ever going to use empathy and information because my relationship with my girl is more important than all of the drama possible at a kindergarten soccer game. 

Still I wanted her feet to move.

In the midst of it all I was able to slip in some self-empathy. I noticed I was embarrassed. And I was panicked. I wanted to run away to our van and get out of there. 

And then for no discernible reason Echo hugged each of us in turn, fiercely, with her eyes pinched closed. She ran out onto the field and had the time of her life. She was feisty and involved in every play. She was running and grinning and narrating her every move: "Uh uh uh...", she said to the ball, "Not so fast! You can't get away from me!!!" She had the time of her life.

We asked her about it later. Away from the epicenter of pure emotion she was able to break it down for us. The opposing team was a new one and that made her nervous. The field was new too. And there was an additional kid on her team too. All of this made her more nervous than before. The thought that inspired her to play though is that she remembered how much fun she had at the last game and she wouldn't even have a chance to have that kind of fun if she didn't play. And then once she was in the game she made a point of looking for all the fun she could find, and this literary girl knows very well that telling the story of playing the game while playing the game is a guaranteed source.

Ideally I would have skipped the persuasion part altogether. It didn't feel good at the time and it also didn't feel effective. And as it turns out there is a reason for this. When kids are in the throes of intense emotion they aren't able to process in the same way. Echo couldn't hear us about "fifth players" and "commitment" because she was deathly nervous. We said the words anyway because we were panicked and felt short of time (The coach was calling! The game was starting!) but if I had it to do over again I think I might go for empathy first and just suck it up and wait for a bit while that empathy sunk in.

Apparently, a person is actually incapable of complex thought when dealing with intense emotions. It's part of the human survival design. When confronted with a raging lion or anything else terrifying and life-threatening (like a soccer game) the part of the brain that deals with complex processing shuts down. It shuts down and boots up the reptilian brain. Your brain doesn't want you to have complex thought in these situations, it wants you to charge up your self-defense skills, like running away really fast or charging headlong - whatever it takes to stay alive. It doesn't want you weighing the odds or thinking about it too much. 

Only after the threat has passed, only after the emotions have been processed, does the rest of the brain turn back on. This is why explaining to your children about the rules and consequences of hitting while the child is in an enraged, flailing state is like throwing words into the wind. They don't stick. 

Empathy. (Time passing). Information. 

Oh but that part in parentheses can take forever! Waiting for emotions to shift enough for the complex brain to take back over is the most trying part of parenthood.

 

Is It Even Possible?

I've had an email from a sweet mama yearning to find connection with her children. She parented the first in an empathetic style with wildly positive results for all. But now that there are two kids... well it doesn't seem to come as easily. She feels she's just going through the motions and coming up short. She described a typical interaction at her house:

Ella is building some amazing elaborate lego house. Harper sees this, thinks it looks so cool and heads over to touch it and taste it and figure it out. Ella screams and cries when her building gets touched. 

Me: Ella! I know that's so disappointing...
Ella: No! Don't talk to me about that right now!
Me: But I want to talk about what you're feeling!
Ella: Harper touched my building! Make him stop! Fix it!

At this point, Harper starts climbing on me, pushing Ella out of the way, pulling down my shirt to nurse and also starts screaming. She amps up her screaming because she's just been pushed off my lap. I'm so so sad and exasperated at this point that the next part of the conversation goes like this:

Me (yelling, now): Ella, I told you if you want to build stuff Harper can't touch, you have to put it up high! He's curious! 
Ella: Mom! That's not fair! Much more crying and screaming.

Then I hand Harper a toy and start cleaning the kitchen or something just to get my mind off how sad I am that I don't have unlimited time with either of them. I've been trying so hard to keep things even. To give Harper all the things we gave to Ella when she was his age and to treat Ella the same as we did before Harper was born. It's not working though. I'm exhausted when I wake up and I feel as though both kids are left at the end of the day wanting more of me. 

Crap. That's my first reaction because I can just hear the emotions behind the words.

• Sadness.
• Loss of hope.
• Self-criticism.
• Sorrow. 

The scenario sounds hard, so very hard. But my second reaction is one of optimism. It is possible to parent two children (or three or four) with empathy, and to find, and relish, connection with each. So where to start?

Specific Practicalities

Let's start here with the "what do I do?" part of the scenario.

1. Still the panic.

When the tower crumbles get to the scene as quick as possible. Stop the "offender" from further changing the structure, not because he is wrong for exploring the tower but because you want Ella to be able to hear you, to sort out her feelings and to find a solution, and she will not be able to do any of that while in a state of panic about the tower.

2. Communicate to Harper.

Use words and sign language (the sign for "talk" is a wide open hand turned sideways and tapped on your chin) to explain why you are restraining him from touching the tower. "I'm going to hold you a moment and talk with Ella about the legos."

3. Communicate to Ella.

Use a loving face and explain to Ella that if Harper wants to nurse you're going to let him because that will give the two of you an opportunity to talk things through. Restrain Harper from kicking her. "I love you and I'm going to help you. Let's let Harper nurse because that will distract him from the tower and give me a chance to work this out with you. Here, let's make room right next to me so I can put my arm around you."

4. Self-Empathy.

Talk yourself down from panicking (as the two voices are raised and things are looking bad) by using self-empathy. "Shit this is hard. I'm ready to lose my top. I'm so frustrated." Let these words create a smidgen of emotional space for yourself so that you don't end up lending your own raised voice and haggard emotions to the pile.

5. Listen.

Play dumb. Act as though you don't know what the problem is so that Ella can tell you all about how hard she worked on the tower and how sad she is that it has changed shape and how tired she is of Harper touching the stuff she's working on. If the conversation goes there let her describe how sucky it is to have a little brother. Don't judge. Just listen.

6. Provide Information.

"It's important to you to build safely, but it doesn't seem as though the tower is safe down here. Harper sees a really cool, colorful thing and he wants to check it out. He's so little that right now the way he checks things out is with his hands and that changes the shape of your tower."

7. Ask.

"What do we do?"

8. Wait.

After empathy and with the perspective that you are all on the same team (no one is wrong or right), children find solutions quite easily. Wait to see what they come up with. Once completely heard through empathy Ella may not be attached to the tower at all. She may come up with a new idea. She may even want to find a game that includes her brother.

Larger Scope

1. Look for opportunity.

Instead of getting things done while both children are happy use that time to amp up connection with one of the children. Even if Ella is happily reading a book and doesn't need you, and if Harper is asleep or doing something else, use that moment to connect with Ella. Sit with her, read to her, listen to her, just tune-in completely. 

When my kids are occupied I like to scurry around and clean things and try to get out from under the always growing pile, and it is really hard not to do this. But it sounds like connection is at the top of the wish list, so perhaps the to-do list should take a back seat. It might help to keep in mind the time frame. For the next two years or so your children will need you to be very hands-on, which definitely sounds like an eternity, but in the spectrum of their lives it is quite short. So for two more years you will have a messier house and life than you like, but you will also have a lot of connection. And no regrets.

2. Set reasonable goals.

Keeping a lego tower completely intact? Not reasonable.

Maintaining connection even though the tower tumbles? Definitely within reason.

Giving Harper all the things you gave to Ella when she was his age and treating Ella the same as you did before Harper was born? Not reasonable.

Giving Harper and Ella an incredible amount of love and connection in a variety of ways? Absolutely reasonable.

3. Set an intention.

Set an intention for the day without getting too tight about how that intention is going to come to life. It seems that some of your sadness is that the ways you are able to connect with your two children don't match the way that you were able to connect with Ella when she was a solo child. Perhaps it makes more sense to intend to connect and gratefully accept the ways that connection pops up instead of deciding that it only counts if it comes in a certain package.

Decide to make the purpose of the day about connection and watch as opportunities to connect rise up. If connection is your intention then you are lucky because any instance is an opportunity; spilled milk, scratched knee, funny jokes, or surprise rain. 

4. Build trust with Ella.

Responding with empathy, choosing a same team stance, refraining from blame, and everything else mentioned above will build trust with Ella. She needs to know that she's important and loved, that she's just as important and loved as Harper even though you don't hold her and nurse her to the same degree. She will come to know that she is loved and important because you care about her thoughts and feelings, her towers and ideas. 

When she wants you to be in one place doing one thing and Harper wants you to be in a different place doing a different thing, go back to "What do we do?". This will drive home the point that they both are important, their desires are important, and that together as a team you will find a way to meet everyone's needs. 

Even Larger Scope

1. Check your level of guilt.

Really. Forgive yourself. You are not harming either child by having birthed the other. You have plenty of love to go around and with each day it grows bigger. 

2. Rewrite your story.

The current story is as you described above. Two children simply cannot be parented with a satisfying level of empathy and connection. You do not want this to be true. The more you tell this story to your neighbors, friends, husband, and to yourself the deeper it will sink into your reality and the more true it will become for you. You have a different story in mind as to how you'd like your family to unfold and if you want it to become more of your reality you'll have to start noticing it now. You already have a huge jump start. The final part of your letter said this:

The whole reason this style of parenting appealed to me was because of the connection it seemed to foster. I see it "working" in lots of other ways; the kids don't fight often and are really sweet to one another, they are both kind to other kids and communicate their needs really clearly, they are both so sensitive to others' feelings. But...

The more you notice and appreciate and languish in thoughts like this, the more your family vision will come to life. The only part I would edit is the "but" there at the end. A good rule of thumb would be to stop short any time you are about to add a "but" to your sentences. For instance: "The kids had a really great day, laughing and playing together. It was so fun to see but I just wish every day could more like that instead of the squabbling we usually see." Stop your thoughts and words before you get to the "but". Notice what you like and turn your thoughts from that which you do not.

3. Trust.

Go ahead and trust that everything you want is possible.

***************

Genuine?

I did a post the other day about Friendly Brain, in which I shared my realization that our thoughts create our feelings and our feelings create/design our reality, like one big sandwich of cause and event with feelings as the meat. 

One of the comments to this post was:

Been thinking about another aspect. Nat, do you think there's a fine line between consciously influencing our thoughts to be more positive vs being un-genuine? I know that its healthy for our children to see our full range of emotions as long as they feel safe and loved through them. But where does that fit into our efforts to project the way we want to feel and downplaying the negative?

I think it boils down to the cart and the horse. If you find yourself having to sugar-coat your emotional state by downplaying the negative you've got the horse hooked up to the wrong end of the cart. The thoughts come first, so if you are feeling negatively it is because you have had a series (lifetime?) of negative thoughts previously that delivered you directly to your current emotional state.

Once arrived at the current moment I  think we do ourselves a disservice by ignoring our emotions or by faking other emotions. Feelings pass most quickly by giving them the breath and room to wear themselves out and away, and we certainly do our children right by demonstrating a healthy expression of emotion, BUT, there is quicksand waiting for a misstep here. The sandwich doesn't just have two slices of bread with the meat in between, there are layers and layers of meat and bread and they never stop, stretching behind us and towering forever into the future. Not only is this moment the creation of previous moments' thoughts, it is also the designer of the next moments, so it is imperative to be mindful of the thoughts we attach to our emotional state no matter what it is.

Example:

Echo is screaming and writhing on the floor, pissed off because I opened the dresser drawer when she wanted to do that part herself. I have to pee (it's first thing in the morning) and I am cold (I haven't gotten a chance to fully dress yet) and there is a time crunch ( a lunch box for the 2nd grader lies empty on the counter and the minutes are ticking by).

What I say out loud is: You were wanting to do that yourself huh? I just jumped right in and did it for you without even asking. You like doing it yourself because you just learned that skill, huh? Are you mad and sad?...(etc. etc.) You know Echo, I'm feeling pretty frustrated right now because you wanted my help and I am here to help. But you aren't getting dressed or even letting me help you. I'm cold and anxious about getting Xi's lunch made in time. Can we do this part a little more quickly?

The usual: empathy and information.

But meanwhile there is an internal dialog going on and it is either helpful (designing future moments of more agreeable emotions and events) or not helpful (ensuring a more difficult morning and emotional states).

Helpful thoughts: Wow, this is not how I'd like this to go. I am freezing. I am irritated. I don't know exactly what's happening for Echo but I'd sure like to help her, salvage this moment, go pee, get warm, and get us back on a harmonious path...

Not helpful thoughts: Fuck! Why do mornings always have to be so difficult? I am practically naked, freezing, while my three-year old yells at me. Moms get so much flack. I'm basically held captive here, when I'd rather be peeing, meeting my basic needs! Every morning Echo finds some reason to mistreat me. I'm sick of it. Now I'll be late putting the lunchbox together and here begins another stressful day. Ugh.

The helpful version includes self-empathy, and the intention to see this moment as only a moment not a template for the day, our life, or as an encapsulation of who Echo is as a person. The unhelpful version swerves way off into generalized thoughts that paint my life and my child in a dark ominous light, and dramatizes the scene so as to become nearly unbearable.

It's easy to see how these thoughts will generate very different emotional states.

The idea is to feel the emotion fully, but to stop there, without letting the feeling fuel a thought-story that screws up the next moment, the rest of your day, or your life.

The choice lies in the thoughts. 

At any given time there are numerous "truths" and thoughts that come along with those truths. Yesterday while climbing the stairs I noticed myself having these thoughts: Oh man. I am just so tired today. These stairs feel like a giant mountain...ugh. Then my conscious mind kicked in and I realized I didn't want to feel tired, to have an entire tired day, or for the stairs to feel insurmountable. So I reached for an empowering and equally true thought: I am so strong. My body is incredible, and I hate to sound too hoaky but my ascent became easy. I even skipped steps, feeling my quads working beautifully. It was instantaneous. 

Consciously designing your life through your thoughts (and subsequently your emotions) does not mean being un-genuine, it does not mean feeling mad but faking happy, it means reaching for thoughts, among a whole pile of genuine and true thoughts, and enjoying the fruits of that decision.