Talk Feeleez

Fighting Well

This rug is the place to be these days. Kids, cats, and Littlest Pet Shop figurines convene here for hours. Yesterday the girls were hunkered down, speaking sister language about the characters in their games - what their names are, where they live, how many babies they have. In general I tune this stuff out, it comes into my ears as "kids are content" and thus I do what all parents around the world do when their kids are happily busy, my own thing.

Parents aren't fools. We let sleeping dogs lie, er, I mean, playing kids play.

Eventually their play changed tune and began to reach me. Their voices grew louder, higher pitched and anxious. In turn I felt my blood pressure rise. I am triggered by my children fighting. Even now, years and years down this path of parenting with empathy I still have to process my own feelings of nervousness, anxiety, and anger - called forth from sibling fighting, in order to be of any use to them as a parent. 

Then I got distracted and turned away for a moment and when my attention returned I eavesdropped a little. To my utter delight they were explaining their perspectives on the situation. Each girl detailed how they came to the game with certain expectations and that now that those expectations weren't being met things were unravelling. They took turns. They empathized, nodding heads in understanding. Basically neither was happy with the direction of the game. They didn't reach a solution. Neither changed her mind.

They just listened.

Big sister Xi asked little sister Echo if she needed a hug. They held each other and rocked and patted backs. Giggles emerged. Then, just like that, they launched back into the game completely unattached to previous expectations, giddy and eager and open to the game going in an entirely different direction.

I didn't even leave my chair. They didn't even notice me snapping the photo.

These girls. These sisters that have fought their entire lives with tears and blood and week-long grudges, well, these sisters still fight. They are never going to agree all day, every day, and that's fine, especially as it seems they have learned how to fight well. 

Air your feelings.

Listen.

Empathize.

Touch.

Be Free.

I am so happy. I am happy for me and what this means for our daily life. I am happy to have invested years' worth of time helping them process feelings. I am happy for the girls and what it means for them and their daily lives. And I am over-the-moon happy for the future selves of these girls - how easy they will sit in the face of emotional discomfort, how steady they will stand for the emotional discomfort of others. 

May you always fight well girls.

It Was All Worth It

So... my kids don't fight anymore.

Well.. maybe it's more accurate to say that my kids don't fight nearly as much.

Okay... maybe I mean to say that I no longer want to throw myself from the top of the nearest mountain due to the constant torture, torment, and anxiety of sisters actually looking for things to fight about.

And... perhaps most profoundly, for the evolution of the kid species and certainly for my level of pride and happiness, when they do fight

THEY WORK IT OUT.

ON THEIR OWN.

IN A HEALTHY MANNER.

For those of you that have read this bog over the years know that %50 of my posts detail my children's arguments. You know that the pink chair has been hotly contested for years. You know they have come to serious blows over the blue yoga ball. You know that in the midst of one very dark year, after six months of near constant fighting about the most basic of things (who gets which bar stool, who sits on the right-side of the car, who carries the goggles to the swimming pool, who carries the goggles back from the swimming pool, who walks next to me, who blocks the other kid from walking next to me, who gets to hold the door open) we even had an elaborate Forgiveness Ceremony, because I was so desperate to shift the dynamic.

I've given this a lot of thought. Certainly, at the peak of the worst fighting I thought about it constantly. I dissected possible reasons for fighting because I just. wanted. it. to. stop. Here are my ideas in no particular order:

1. Age difference. Supposedly, if you have a second child before the first child turns five the emotional effect is akin to one's husband coming home and saying "Honey, I love you soooo much I decided to get another wife. She's wonderful and great and I think you'll love her too. I'll bring her home and you can share everything! Me, the house, your favorite objects, all of it will now be for both of you.

Ouch.

But, if you wait for the larger age gap, the older child's brain has developed enough for them to see the new baby as a project that they share  with mom and dad. The baby is not considered such a grave threat and the sibling rivalry is considerably lower. 

We didn't do that. In fact when Echo was born, she was, after all, my first personally delivered baby and I was completely consumed with that monumental task. I joined Nathan in parenting his girls when Xi was an infant, so I had experience, but I wasn't hormonal or in charge and there really is a difference. To make matters worse Echo had colic and in order to keep my sanity, and keep my crying baby as happy as I could, I gave every other responsibility in my life to Nathan, including the extreme doting on Bella and Xi that I had been carrying out previously.

So there is that.

2. Circumstantial differences. Xi has two houses. Echo does not. Until this year, Echo was homeschooling, Xi was not. For a middle child like Xi, one very concerned about equality and fairness, things didn't always appear to stack up in a fair way. She resented the fact that Echo never had to be away from her mom. She resented the fact that Echo got to be home doing, (what Xi imagined), super fun things all day long without a moment of un-fun. I think she imagined all sorts of discrepancies beyond these basic ones and that cast a resentful pall over the whole scene.

3. Personalities. Echo is younger, Xi is older, but damn-it-all if Echo didn't constantly buck the constraints of the birth order. Would she let older sister help her do a single thing? No siree-Bob. Would she look to big sister as a source of information? No-way-Jose. In fact, instead of receiving information and advice from big sister Xi, Echo was constantly offering information and advice, and most galling-ly she was often correct. Crap.

4. They're flipping kids! Kids fight.

You'd think that, given the last several hundred words on this page, I would have been intensely sensitive to the current lack of fighting. You'd think I was monitoring it all and rejoicing every step of the way. The truth is that I am human and like all humans I suffer from a myopic view and often lack the daily awareness of the big picture. It only occurred to me last week that I heard my kids fighting in the other room and it was the first fight of the day, not the 500th. I also suddenly noticed that I wasn't running to sort it out, for the 500th time of the day. I also noticed and enjoyed that that familiar level of anxiety, high and constant, was not present in my body. I hadn't experienced that in a long long time.

What the fuck?

I mean, YIPPPPPEEEEEEEEE!

 

Why?

1. Age difference. Kids of differing ages are like fish in a fish tank. They occupy different biological niches. You've got the the ones near the bottom sucking up gravel and spitting it out. You've got the middle dwellers doing zoned-out horizontal laps. You've got the top dwellers rising to the surface and blissfully  pip, pip, pipping air bubbles. Each in their latitude, doing their thing.

Where once my kids both shared the same latitude, where they viciously fought for resources (the blue ball, me, toys), now they don't. Echo still works the bottom zone. The floor is her domain. Today she has eight blue glass pieces, a squad of plastic native americans, and a storm trooper. She is happily narrating an elaborate, personal, storyline. Xi, now eleven, has grown long legs and hair and different interests. She now occupies the furniture latitudes. She can be found on the couch, at the kitchen counter. Her resources are the laptop, her book. Throughout the day the girls cruise their aquarium segments, only crossing paths and sharing worlds when they invite one another across.

2. Circumstantial differences. Now that both Echo and Xi homeschool, Xi sees with her own two eyes that daily life is daily life and Echo is not experiencing some grand party time while Xi is away. They share the same life experience and Xi is no longer jealous, or feeling leftout, or suspicious. 

3. Who knows. Kids are mysterious beings.

Last night the girls were brushing teeth and our parental radar was picking up some strife. We heard things deteriorating and I did my last kitchen moves before heading up to see if I could help or at the very least get them closer to bed. When I got there Echo had climbed in bed, scowly-faced, and Xi was sort of standing around, sad-faced. I gave Xi a long hug like we always do before bed and she immediately started sobbing. I held her and waited. For all I knew this burst of emotion could be completely unrelated to the bathroom scene, since as all parents know, bedtime seems to be the go-to moment for unleashing all the random emotional baggage of the day.

Eventually she raised her head and sobbed:

"Echo it felt really bad the way you were acting toward me!'

I kept hugging.

Echo, seven, her naked shoulders barely poking out from the covers, said:

"I know. I'm sorry Xi. I was just so frustrated and tired! I know you were just trying to help. You were just giving me empathy."

Then the two girls, wiping tears, made their way and clamped their arms around each other, holding tight for a long time. Some deep sighs, some giggles, and then they were off. Off to happy, content dreamland.

My children are emotionally sound.

Blessed be.

I stood there for a moment - reaching for the life lesson, my mind racing to boil it all down. Here is what I came up with:

• My kids fight.
• They used to fight A LOT for all kinds of reasons and for no reason at all.
• We spent a huge amount of time walking them through emotionally healthy responses to upset. (empathy, information, physical contact, and careful modeling)
• I struggled. They struggled.
• They needed help. Kids need a lot of help. And each time we helped it layed down or strengthened important neural pathways.
• Now they fight less, for certain reasons and for no reasons at all.
• When they do fight they resolve it and repair their relationship quickly. (With empathy, information, physical contact and careful modeling)
• Now they have well-wried emotionally sound minds and the ability to use those healthy brains without parental aid.

Which is to say: IT WAS ALL WORTH IT

Diet

I'm on a steady diet of Fairy Food around here. It's the holiday craft fair season and although I'm feeling a bit burned out by making tiny food, it still makes sense to continue. So while the children snore I make camp on the kitchen table and construct little delights. 

I also keep a steady diet of entertaining audio going. This American Life, Radio Lab and my new fave Here's the Thing (Alec Baldwin's radio show). Oh how I love radio stories! A couple nights running I watched/listened to the documentary about fracking for natural gas, Gasland, and became exceedingly alarmed and depressed. I found myself trying to meet the problems described in Gasland with info I learned on Radiolab - What if we "healed" all of the areas near leaking natural gas wells with biomass? All of the poop humans make (tons and tons of it!), could it be processed to a certain level and then injected into the earth to provide organic material and counteract the chemical damage? I'm no scientist but it makes sense at 12 am in my world of miniature romain lettuce.

After that I gave myself a psychological break and listened to/watched the Katy Perry documentary. That was a surprising delight.

By day the night world of little food and radio stories gives way to children.

These two munchkins have spent days on the living room floor with Littlest Pet Shop figurines. We've been reading the series called Warriors,  which is about wild cat clans, so the girls' game is rife with intense narrative and long discussions about proper warrior names versus apprentice names. And to my delight, they've been getting along. Not all the time, mind you, but somehow we've cleared the playing board enough, dissected the dynamic and their goals for their relationship enough that we're all on the same page. When things gets off, when they squabble over one "following" the other up the stairs, we travel backward in time trying to determine the emotional beginning to the dissonance. We rewind, looking for when things went from friendly to annoyed. Usually it's a single moment, like when Xi threw a figurine and it landed on the guitar and strummed the strings as it fell. She told Echo about it and Echo was annoyed because she was standing right there and saw what happened and didn't need Xi acting like she knew things Echo didn't.

Seriously. That is enough to set the wheels of discourse into motion.

But we go there and give Echo empathy for her annoyance (which triggered defensiveness in Xi, which turned into passive aggressiveness in Echo, which inspired the "don't follow me!" argument on the stairs), and the two are all smiles once more.

My goodness. Maybe my life's work is fostering the sibling relationship between these two.

When Xi goes to her other house Echo drops the Littlest Pet Shop diet and resumes her audio story diet.

Sometimes I chuckle when I realize that Harry Potter is our actual school curriculum. Instead of imposing "lessons" on Echo we've been following a more unschooling type approach - following her lead and giving her materials and information that will augment her learning. In real life this means Echo pauses the ipod and asks: "Mom, if Ron Weasley has to write a report three feet of parchment long, and he has eight inches left, how much has he already written?" We get out the scratch paper and work out the word problem, which led to double digit addition and the concept of "carrying the one". She'd heard about this carry the one business before so she was over the moon about learning it. A couple worksheets later this kid is a pro. All because of a steady diet of Harry Potter.

And then there is Monty Python.

Nathan just finished a run with community theater as one of KIng Arthur's knight's (Sir Bedevere) in Spamalot.  We went three times to see the show, absolutely delighted by the whole thing: the endearing characters, the catchy songs, the layers and layers of jokes. I knew it would be a fun project, and I knew it would be entertaining to attend the performances but I didn't realize how thoroughly we'd all dive in. It's been weeks now of Spamalot discussions, Spamalot sing-a-longs, and Spamalot analysis. Spamalot for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. 

Echo falls asleep reciting lines from the play and asking for information about this phrase or that, this play on words or that. And then she wakes me up in the morning with questions about african swallows, or praise for Sir Galahad. She gallops into the library making clopping coconut sounds, and dances across the living room practicing the Can Can - all Spamalot inspired. If you'd told me earlier that we'd be using Spamalot and Harry Potter as first grade curricula I'd have thought you were crazy, but that's before I realized anything of interest is fodder for intense and serious learning.

Feeleez is marching along on a steady diet of helping children develop emotionally. We've picked up several new retail stores and continue to fulfill orders chock-full of our new charts. Did you know they are in the store now? It's fun. But our latest idea is HUGE. We're looking at developing a tv show for a national audience that follows four main Feeleez characters as they receive empathy from their parents (a lot), experience strong emotions (a lot) in a healthy manner, learn about brain science and meeting underlying needs by traveling inside their own bodies, and generally loving each other, treating each other well, and having fun. We think we need about six thousand dollars to get something together that a network could take a look at. If you feel moved to contribute, be our benefactors and help children across the world experience and develop empathy, send me an email ([email protected]). 

A steady diet of empathy, Spamalot, Harry Potter, sibling play, radio stories, and mini food. You just never know what's going to feed you until you eat it. 

xo

Aaah/Arg, Summer

Xi's pickle face.

When the sun came out and the grass greened up and school let out I was like: AAAH, summer! But when the girls started arguing about the polly pockets, the blue ball, the pink ball, the couch cushion, and the bar stools from sunup to sundown I was like: ARG, summer!

Instead of keeping the peace during the hour before school and the handful of hours after school, the peace-keeping challenge was suddenly ALL DAY. Eeek. At one point I thought to mention this out loud. In as neutral a tone I could manage I said: Hey girls. You might want to consider that you guys are going to be together ALL DAY today, and ALL DAY the next day, and ALL DAY the next day and on and on. Keep that in mind when you are deciding whether or not something is worth fighting about.

Strangely enough they did seem to think about it and the fighting lost it's razor edge. It's as though they became further invested in their relationship.

And when they did get into fights and needed my help I tried to remind myself of the same thing. We were all going to be together all day and all the other days so it would behoove us parents to invest in the relationships involved as well. Instead of smoothing things over just long enough to get through the before and after school hours it's worth it to dig in and get to the bottom of things.

Worth it yes, yet at the same time not always what I want to be doing at any given moment. When Xi offered to help Echo with her belt and Echo ignored her and came to me instead and Xi started crying and Echo started steeling herself to continue doing what she wanted to do, I wasn't thrilled by any means. Sometimes I want it just to stop and I don't want to get involved. Sometimes I want to go back to what I was doing pretty darn badly.

But this is what I am here to do.

So I started out rote:

You really wanted to help her huh? You're pretty mad and sad about that? You didn't like it that she didn't answer you?

You really didn't want her help huh? You didn't even want to give her an answer huh?

How boring I sound even to myself! But I got some nods of agreement and a look of relief that I actually was involving myself and that somehow things would be addressed. I rubbed backs. I stood there quietly waiting for something to shift. Then I got curious.

It's amazing what happens at this point. Empathy + Curiosity = WOW.

Xi what happens for you when you help someone? 

I got a lot of "I don't knows", which is Xi's go-to answer under pressure, but I kept asking questions. When I asked her what color her helping-others feeling is she couldn't answer, but when Echo piped up with the color her not-wanting-help feeling is Xi suddenly came to life. As it turns out, when Xi gets the chance to help someone else it's pretty much the best feeling in the world to her. It's a pale, warm coral color and it hums in her heart in a magnificent way. When her help is turned down by another that helping-feeling gets usurped by a dark, horrible one. It's color is a green-brown, like the vapor from Cruella DeVille's smoldering cigarette. This feeling is heavy and vengeful.

Yikes.

We moved to the Feeleez poster next and worked through Echo's feelings about being helped by someone. I thought maybe there was something about feeling grown up and not wanting her sister to parent her, so I poked around in that spot. Nope nothing. With more time at the poster Echo started crying and explained that for her it feels like if she accepts help from someone other than her mom her mom isn't her mom as much. Being helped by me is the same as being mothered by me, being mothered is the same as having a mom. So if she gets help from someone other than me, her mind does the math and ends up with NO MOM.

Xi and I looked at each other with bugged-out eyes. In fact at this point Xi said: Wow! I didn't know that was part of it. I though she was just being mean.

 

Results: 

For Xi: giving help = wonderful joy. Being denied the chance to help = black anger.

For Echo: receiving help = no mom.

 

Suddenly the belt incident became something so much more for us all. For me it went from an annoying, pointless, disruptive sibling squabble to something of far greater importance and I was so glad I chose to invest. There at the poster with Xi and Echo there wasn't a compact happy ending. We didn't have a tidy idea that might solve this problem in the future but we did have a deep understanding of the emotional landscape behind such a trivial event. The girls were helped by the process alone and had certainly moved on from where they were during the fight. They were now on the same team. They were serious allies equipped with new knowledge of one another's hearts. 

Later when Xi asked Echo if she could help her read a book, Echo turned her down, but in deference to Xi's feelings she explained with extreme tenderness: Well Xi? This time I really wanted mama to help me... but when we are done you could help me with the books in this stack! I have a whole bunch that I picked out. Okay?

And with that I was back to: AAAH, summer!

How to Use the Feeleez Poster

Who The Feeleez poster is for any one person, or group of people, experiencing intense emotion.

    

Where The poster is best hung in a high-traffic area that is easy to access and to use frequently. It's also a good idea to hang it very low on the wall so that even the littlest folks in the family (or classroom) can point to the images.

    

When The poster is meant to be used at anytime, but especially when one is experiencing intense emotion. The poster can help process emotions, whether it means lingering in feelings that feel good, or moving through less enjoyable feelings.

    

Why It turns out that our brains are incapable of higher processing when managing intense emotions. This means that new solutions, creative ideas, logic, reason, and empathy are impossible for children (and adults!) when heightened emotion is present. The Feeleez poster offers children the opportunity to identify their feelings and receive empathy - this process immediately brings the intensity down and allows the child to move forward.

    

HOW

    

*Using the Feeleez poster is a loving option to be offered to a child in distress. It is never to be required or used as a consequence or punishment.

    

1. Offer your child the option of using the poster to get some help with their feelings.

Ex: "Would you like to go to the poster to tell me more about this?"

    

2. Make the suggestion that your child select some images that describe how he is feeling.

    

    

3. PAUSE. This is the most important stage of the process. In this moment you slow. way. down. 

• a. offer empathy
• b. ask questions
• c. reenact the scenario with empathetic language

Here's an example with just one child. (This is the adult end of the conversation):

Ex: "Oh darn. (a) That's how you're feeling huh? (b) Yeah I can see that, that makes sense. (a) You feel like this one too? (b) Oh wow. That's hard. (a) You were just playing happily and the cat came along and bit you on the arm? (c) Darn-nit. (a) That's not what you wanted at all is it. (a) You didn't do anything to the cat you were just playing. (c) You didn't want to be bitten. (c) You like the cat, you weren't trying to bother it. (c) And then he just bit you for no reason at all! (c) What a bummer huh?"

Here's an example when two children are involved. (This is the adult end of the conversation):

"Oh shoot. You guys are having a hard time huh? Which ones do you feel like Abby... This one? Oh yeah. This one too? And this one? Wow, that's a tough combo huh? What about you Nellie. Which ones are you feeling like... Oh, that one huh? This one too? Oh, sure, I can see that." 

"So Abby you were playing and it seemed like from your perspective that Nellie just grabbed that toy away from you huh? You were so mad about that. Yeah, that makes sense. Sure. And you were so mad that you just hit her huh? You were so mad. You don't want someone to take away the things you are using. It doesn't feel good. Sounds like you were frustrated too, like this drawing, am I right? Wow. Yeah, that's hard."

"And Nellie you saw this toy just lying there and it looked completely available. You didn't know Abby was playing with it. Were you so surprised when Abby hit you? Like this drawing here? And it hurt too? I bet. What a terrible surprise to suddenly be hit. Did you get mad then? You did? Is that why you picked this drawing here? Sure, that makes sense. You don't like being hit at all. You want to be able to play in safety and not have to worry about being hurt. When she hit you you were you mad, like this drawing? Or sad, like this one... A bit of a combo huh. Oh darn you guys that sounds so hard."

This stage can last anywhere from a couple minutes to several minutes. As a rule of thumb we recommend staying here, even silently, for AT LEAST two solid minutes. 

4. Look for signs that emotions have shifted.

Facial expressions, body postures, lighter spirits, joking, and physical affection are all signs that emotions are starting to shift. This may be the end of the process! Often children, at this point, have moved completely on and are unburdened by their previous emotions. They are ready for solutions and cooperation and affection. At our house we often ask if our girls need to talk more, and if not we seal it with a hug and carry on.

If it seems that things have not shifted, return to step 3, or try 4a.

4a. Ask your child which images on the poster she would rather feel like. 

4b. Offer empathy, ask questions.

Ex: "Yes, I can imagine that. You want to feel good and smiling and happy. You'd much rather feel like this drawing, or this one. Of course. Darn. You don't like where you are. You can imagine what these drawings feel like and you want that. Totally."

4c. Gently ask your child what he needs in order to feel more like the drawings he chose. Offer ideas as well.

Ex: "What do you think you might need to feel the way you'd like?"

Wait here for several beats before jumping to solutions.

"Do you think food might help...?"

"Would you like a long hug...?"

"Do you want help coming up with an idea for the issue...?"

"Do you want some time just to be quiet...?"

Your child may grasp for one of one these options and may not. If you are having trouble figuring out some ideas to offer think about what need your child might have and offer a way to fill that need. Does she need reassurance? Sustenance? Does she need connection? For a full list of human needs visit this page.

5. Wait. When these steps seem to fail, or if your child isn't moving as quickly as you think he should, just wait. Remain in an empathetic stance, holding and hugging your child if they allow, and wait. We like to think of this position as a big, padded, boring envelope in which to surround your child. Children, unlike adults are comfortable with long pauses, they do not need you to fill the air with encouragement or maxims. Children in this state need only your empathy (even silent) and presence. With enough patience the feelings will pass.

NOTE: Absent from this dialog is: blame, punishment, praise, lesson-teaching, or parental opinions. This is a space exclusively created for the the processing of emotions. If you wish to give information about the rules of the house, point out who "started it", or mete out consequences this should be done (if at all) after the emotional processing is complete. This is to ensure that a. your words and logic can even be heard and understood, and b. your children feel safe and comfortable enough to express their true feelings while at the poster.

******

To order your own Feeleez poster for your home, office, or classroom please visit www.store.feeleez.com. The poster is $15 and printed on recycled paper using soy-based ink. We'd love to send you one.

 

I Love This

Almost a month after spring break Echo sent this message to Bella via Facebook:

Dear Bella,

During spring break you were using my favorite towel when we went swimming at the Y. And I got mad at you because I like to use my favorite towel and I said "That's the towel I use!" and I started to rip it off you. Now I regret how I pulled it off you. I just wanted you to know because I don't like the feeling of pulling a towel off someone so I wanted to write you this note. And I am sorry I did that.

Love Echo

Echo,

It was no big deal for me. I'm sorry I was stubborn.  I love you and miss you so much! C u soon!

Xoxo, Bella

 

This towel episode had been weighing heavily on Echo's mind. Sometimes, when falling asleep at night she'd recount it for me, weeping with regret. She was tentative to bring it up with Bella again, too embarrassed to remind her sister of her less than cool behavior, but eventually it got too much for her. Since Bella spends the majority of her school year at her other house we did our best with modern technology. When the return note came through Echo's body slackened with relief and delight. The weight had been lifted.

Days later we were talking about the Lemony Snicket series and the (excellent!) point the book makes about people being neither purely "wicked" nor purely "noble" but rather a mix of the two. Together we talked about actions that we both have taken that might be considered "wicked". Number one on her list was not one of the times she has violently attacked her middle sister but, The Towel Incident. 

I'm so glad I have access to this girl's mind and emotions. I'm so glad I can help her release those emotions. And I am so glad for sisters.

Sweet, sweet, sisters.

Ducking the Witching Hour

I'm guessing that every family has a witching hour. We do. Ours is from about 4:30pm until 6pm. Xi is home from school but done with her after-school snack and chill-out time. Echo is in the living room, finishing up a game of whatever she has concocted. And I can see the two ships start to converge. They are a little adrift, a little at a loss. Things could go either way at this point, they could dive into a game together and play until I drag them away for dinner, or....

well the "or" is horrible. They might argue about the jump rope hitting the edge of the rug. Or argue about the crack in the couch cushions. Then tension rises until basically they are both on the lookout for any possible conflict. I hate it.

Yesterday I decided to duck it. I decided to basically chaperon them through the witching hour by engaging them in an activity. Xi wanted a "listen and do" activity but I didn't find anything good on the internet and so decided to write my own. A "listen and do" activity is one where the participant listens to a series of instructions and, well, does them. This is what I came up with:

• Draw a tall box.
• Color it with red stripes.
• Write the word BOX under it.
• Add five plus five and write the answer, very small, somewhere inside the red-striped box. (For Xi: Subtract 105 from 115)
• Draw five clouds at the top of the page.
• Draw a roof for the red-striped box.
• Draw hills in the background.
• Put a fence on them.
• Draw seven chickens in grass.
• Circle the smallest cloud.
• Draw a curvy path to the red-striped box.
• Color the biggest chicken orange.
• Put a tree in the scene.
• Give it six apples, two are laying on the ground.
• Color the apples in the tree red.
• Color the apples in the tree brown.
• Put three flying birds in the sky.
• Underline the largest one.
• Write your name backwards in the left, bottom-hand corner.
• Turn paper over and make a list of five things that describe you.

Xi's five things to describe herself: 1. nice, 2. fun, 3. loving, 4. almost always happy, 5. loves bananas

Echo's five things to describe herself: 1. full of ideas, 2. active, 3. long hair, 4. love for nature, 5. love parents

They were absorbed for forever! And I made dinner really peacefully. They wanted to try again.

• Divide your paper in half with a line.
• Draw a fat bunny with eight turds on the left-hand side.
• Circle the seventh turd.
• Color all turds primary colors.
• Draw a toy dangling over the bunny’s head.
• Attach it to something.
• Give the bunny something soft to sit on.
• And a friend that isn’t a bunny.
• Give the friend a hat.
• Point an arrow at the hat.
• Write the name of the bunny and the friend somewhere near them.
• Draw an angry man on the right-hand side.
• Give him a shack to live in and a dog.
• Make sure the dog has a place to hide if he needs to.
• Color the dog the color you get when you mix red and blue.
• Draw 4 rainclouds in the sky above the man and dog.
• And a lightning bolt.
• Add up the number of turds and the number of clouds and write this in the bottom right-hand corner.
• Draw flowers around the shack.
• Draw hearts between the bunny and friend.
• Send one of those hearts to the man.
• Write your full name in the top-right-hand corner of the page.
• Flip the paper over and write your top five wishes.

 

Xi's five wishes: 1. have a puppy, 2. farm, 3. cat, 4. $1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 5. even more love 

 Echo's five wishes: 1. farm, 2. nurse again, 3.marry Elliott, 4. win the lottery, 5. Fala (future dog)

 What I loved about this project:

1. peace

2. that there was no right way to follow the directions and the varying delightful results

3. insight into who these girls are! "even more love", "full of ideas" - such a great window into their interior.

4. watching their faces in rapt attention, waiting for me to read the next direction.

5. It doesn't even matter what the directions are! I could have written almost anything.

 

And in case you are curious, we had an enormous salad for dinner, accompanied by an enormous platter of oven-baked french fries. Yum!

 

S.O.S - Update

Are you wondering how my little beastie is doing?

She's feeling better.

In fact this morning, after making a fort in our bed with the clothes that I, ahem, leave piled up at the foot of our bed, Echo got up on her own, picked out an outfit for me and laid it on the bed, got dressed, fed all of the animals, and then made us both toast. I ate that kinda cold, poorly buttered toast in my "stylish" outfit of fleece pants and a sexy-mama sweater-shirt with shoulder cut outs. Her aim was cozy and special and she definitely hit the target. In fact I was feeling so cozy and peaceful that I forgot all about the dark days we have just emerged from.

During those days Echo would have argued irrationally and eloquently with me, explaining with fiery urgency why today was NOT a day in which it made sense for me to snuggle with papa before getting up. Then she would have shrieked at me as I made my way to the bathroom, sure that I was going to snatch away her right to pee on the toilet first. She'd do the same with the stairs. Then she'd spot something her sister was doing and launch into a full-blown red-in-the-face tirade about whatever it was that Xi was doing. She'd flail on the floor and demand my presence and argue, argue, argue about the injustice of it all.

So what's the difference?

• Nothing.
• Time passing.
• Empathy.
• Homeopathy.

Basically in that order.

NOTHING: Sometimes kids are just fucking crazy. Then time passes and they are different. So I was waiting for this. Hoping that the transition was coming. Trying not to count the days. Going into emergency mode - scheduling as little as possible, making sure food levels remained high, maintaining an early bedtime, ensuring that my physical body and interest were available for crafting, hugging, and talking, and avoiding getting myself involved in challenging things like trouble-shooting a new idea in Adobe Illustrator. 

TIME PASSING: See above. Also, with time comes perspective. The first time Echo flung her body at Xi for using the stools Echo wasn't using but was going to use I was absolutely blindsided. I spent a lot of time explaining how her view of things was baldly incorrect and therefore she shouldn't be upset. Stupid me! But like I said I wasn't prepared. After the tenth time, when Echo perceived an injustice no one else could see I didn't linger over the discussion as long. 

EMPATHY - Of course. Because even folks, or especially, folks that are not feeling quite right, that are super upset (even irrationally) need empathy. And I'm not saying this was easy to give. I am cerebral before emotional so it's tough for me to become empathetic when I see there is no cause for the set of emotions I am supposed to empathize with. 

When Echo warned Xi that she was using the fort and Xi veered away from the staked claim to find a seat on the pink chair instead and Echo still got upset about Xi using something that she was "just about to use", I've got to admit that I didn't have easy access to empathy. My mind wasn't ready with "Oh honey. You're so mad. You were using the pink chair huh? Shoot. Are you so mad that Xi is in your way?" because my mind was too busy playing "WTF?" on repeat. And I really can't leave my mind behind as much as I want to sometimes. If I could have crawled into the fort with just my heart to soothe my girl I would have.

So I plowed through the irrational "facts". I rationally explained while she irrationally explained. And that got us no where, for sure, but all the while I was holding her and giving her my full face and care. Eventually we broke through to the other side, into the grassy plain where Echo finally slackened and said: "I just don't feel right! And I just really want the pink chair. And I'm just really mad." PRAISE THE HEAVENS - that is a state of being for which  I can have mountains of empathy.

HOMEOPATHY - Get some.

No really, empathy and time passing and a simplified life is all great but it is SO MUCH EASIER and effective when the set of feelings are true. When things are just insane, when one of our children is acting loony, when empathy helps but doesn't prevent the exact same scenario from popping up again, Nathan and I know that there must be something more going on. We do our best to treat the girls with homeopathy because when they are in imbalance the things they are feeling, at least some of them, are due to the imbalance more than any particular set of circumstances. A child suffering imbalance isn't as receptive to good parenting.

For instance, when Xi is "off" she cries easily. And when I say easily I mean that she cries even before there is something to be upset about, even before she asks for help with a possibly, slightly, troubling situation. Like if I ask her to move her homework off the counter she'll start crying because the buckle on the backpack is hard to un-click. I can give her empathy for those feelings, and I do, but I also go straight for the cabinet and give her her homeopathic remedy. After the remedy is in place she is still Xi, but she is a Xi that is dealing with "true" emotions, not emotions derived from imbalance.

Xi is consistent in what remedy she needs. She has benefited from the same remedy (in different potencies) for six years or more. With Echo we use a couple different ones depending on what's going on with her. This is why it's great to have a homeopath because they keep it all straight in their database and also because they can see your child more objectively. I am partially masked by fatigue and love so it takes me a few days to clearly see any usable symptoms.

But it was the pink chair/fort incident that finally illustrated some useful (in terms of selecting the proper remedy) symptoms. I explained to Echo that I wasn't going to make Xi get off the chair, that we don't do that in our house... When something is available for play anyone can play with it.... etc.

Echo: Yeah well she's NOT playing with it! She's just sitting there!

Me: She's pretending it's a house. She's sitting in the house.

Echo: Well it's NOT a house! It's just a chair! So if it's not a house then she's not playing with it! SO THERE! You have to get her off of it and give it back to me!

Me: She is playing with it honey. I'm not taking it away from her.

Echo: Well what she's NOT doing is giving it to me! And that's not fair!

 

An eloquent, irrational lawyer.

 

That's when it struck me, the pattern of all these outbursts. After Echo had settled I hopped up and went to the computer. When we don't want the expense of calling our homeopath we use a site called abchomeopathy.com. I entered these terms in the search box:

perceived injustice, irrational, antagonistic,

After answering several questions and winding my way through the database I landed on one of Echo's tried and true remedies. A quick trip to our cabinet and within an hour Echo was smoothed out.

Yes, she still gets mad at Xi. Yes, she still prefers to be the first one to pee in the morning. But the veneer of imbalance has been removed. Now I am just dealing with my daughter, not my daughter in imbalance. And that is about a bajillion times easier.

So there it is. A little more peace, a little less crazy.

 

ps. Our course in parenting with empathy starts tomorrow! Join in!

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S.O.S

The sun is out!

The birds are chirping!

The grass is green-ing!

But inside? The five-year old is a raging beast of provocation and irrationality.

I went to let the chickens out and thought about just staying out there, in my jammies, waiting for the day to be over. 

Here's an example of recent issues: 

Xi is at the counter doing homework and playfully sitting on two stools. Echo rears her head from her play and sees this. She flies into a rage and shoves Xi off the stools ranting about how "she can't snatch that stool away from me!". She screams, cries, and rages.

or,

I'm practicing yoga and Echo circles. She asks me to clip a barrette into her hair and when I am done I go back to my pose. She has curled her toes under the mat and is now F-ING MAD that I am keeping her from using the mat the way she wants to. She screams, cries, and rages.

And you'd think that with this kind of madness the big sister would steer clear right? Would give the demon operating her little sister a wide berth, yes? NOPE. That Xi is right in there trying to use what Echo's using, trying to play a game with Echo that Echo doesn't want to play, trying to insert herself into the eye of the storm by any means necessary.

See why early morning frost and chickens sound better?

This is day three of this. When Nathan kissed me goodbye this morning I questioned his love for me, not believing that he would leave me with these two FOR THE WHOLE DAY. 

Why is this happening? 

-Echo is probably fighting a virus.

-Xi's personal make-up and life situation pre-determines an interest in not playing alone, in not being left out even if what she's being left out of is insane raging.

-The seasons are shifting and transitions (even positive ones) throw children off kilter.

-Just because.

 

What am I going to do?

-write a blog post!

-receive empathy graciously

-make sure we are NEVER trying to get somewhere at a certain time

-empty my bladder frequently so I'm not holding my pee

-drink enough water, eat enough food

-try to keep my voice soft

-do what it takes to squeeze in some yoga

-let them fight and/or stop fearing they may fight

-dig out empathy for them, even robotic-ly until I actually feel it

 

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Books and Empathy, Books and Empathy

Echo has this weird illness that is floating around town. The main symptom seems to be that you feel sick, then you feel better, then you feel sick again. Like a roller coaster ride. The good news is that she's not that sick, just a little fever and lethargy. The other good news is that we happen to have a stack of audio stories she is in love with.

She is clocking some serious audio story time, breaking her own personal records. We're talking eight to nine hours straight. She even listened to an audio story during the walk to and from the library where we got more audio stories.

Here is our current audio story lineup:

• Charlotte's Web
• Trumpet of the Swan
• Lemony Snicket - Book One
• Lemony Snicket - Book Two
• Lemony Snicket - Book Three
• 68  Rooms
• Riding Freedom
• Olivia Kidney
• Magic Treehouse
• The Meanest Doll from the Runaway Dolls series
• THe Sign of the Beaver

At night falling asleep Echo asks her vocabulary questions. "Mom, what are stakes? As in "high-stakes"?" And I love it that she can recite the exact source sentence so that I don't send her down the wrong explanatory road and confuse her completely. And sometimes I have to go to the dictionary myself. 

But not everyone loves eight straight hours of audio stories. In this home full of work-from-home folks sometimes it simply doesn't work. That's when we pull out the headphones. But sometimes even this doesn't work. Just yesterday morning Xi came to full fed-up-with-audio-stories mode. She didn't want to hear them out loud and she didn't want Echo disappearing behind head phones either. She wanted to play! She missed her sister.

It got pretty snarky, I have to admit. There was lots of "Fine! Don't play with me!" and scowls and feigned indifference poorly hidden through desperate tears. I know some of you simply do not believe me when I say that we use empathy for 80 percent of our parenting, but seriously? We do. 

I didn't even leave my yoga mat, I just paraphrased what I heard in clear feelings-based language. Sure, in my mind I was thinking: "We're screwed! This is going from bad to worse! I don't want to be interrupted! Just get over it girls! Maybe I should just declare that they aren't even allowed to play!" But on the outside I said things like: 

• Sure, you're sick and tired of audio stories huh?
• You miss your sister!
• You're sad that she doesn't want to play.
• You feel lonely and left out huh?
• You love it when you and Echo get a good game going.
• You love playing together.
• You were hoping for a different kind of morning.

And Xi got revved up by my comments, kind of indignant and more sad and angry. But she also stopped arguing her position and arguing the shitty-ness of audio stories. She stopped exaggerating Echo's use of audio stories and her own dislike for them. But also, and maybe more importantly, Echo listened to my empathetic rendition of Xi's position and I could tell from her face that for the first time she actually heard it. Without having to defend herself she could hear Xi's feelings.

To Echo I said:

• You love audio stories.
• It feels good, when you aren't feeling well, to cozy up and be still.
• You'd actually like to play with Xi huh? If you felt better?
• You love it when you and Xi have a fun game going, like "Girl Scouts" or "Wild Cats". 

Echo broke down in tears and said: "I would do anything to play with Xi. I am so tired and bored of feeling sick!" She slumped further in her chair but not in defiance or as part of an argument, she had her eyes on Xi - kind, loving eyes. 

Xi came up with the idea that maybe Echo could listen to audio stories during the time Xi is at her mom's house and then not listen to them at all when Xi returns. I smiled (knowing for sure that wasn't going to happen). And then Echo had an idea as well. She thought maybe she could just rally enough energy to simply stop listening to stories and play.

And that's what they did. 

At least long enough to reaffirm their love and joy in one another.

 

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